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tim...of usa
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Likes it here |
Location: buffalo, new york...USA
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 266
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this is going to be long so get comfy befor you start reading.
almost a years ago i read a story by timmy called the misfit and it brought back a flood of memories to me of the first boy that i ever loved when i was a lad of only 15. well after a month or 2 of rereading that story and srying my self to sleep i came to this MB to make a few posts and then i made a post about matt to matt....you can read it below
to matt:
dear matt a friend of mine brought you rushing back into my mind and i feel totally compled to sit down and let you know how i truly feel about you.
i know it was a long time ago that you made your choice to move on to a better place, a place of peace. at first i was hurt and angry as hell for what you did, not to your self but what you did to me. but now as the years have slipped by and i have grown into a man i know that you took that step in to the light to escape the pain, i too know that pain and i now can honestly say i am sorry that i did not help carry your pain and help you feel more at peace with your self in this life. i will forever question my self and wonder if, if a million times over..if i did this ... or if i had done that. (lol...for a 2 letter word "if" hold a ton of weight).
well more to the point my friend, i know that i never said this to you face to face but i loved you with all my heart and soul and to this day you are and always will be my one true love. even today i hold every one that comes in to that specail place in my life up to you goast to se if they mesure up.. none do, some come close but none ever do, and none ever will.
i now know that i have spent years in love with what could have been, its time to move on.
i was at your grave this morning and left you a gift, you'll know it when you see it, its long over due but it is yours now.
with all my love
tim
NOTE TO READERS: i read tim's story "the misfit" a few weeks back and it brought back my first love into my life. he killed himself when we were both young boys and discovering ourselfs in this mad mad world, that was my motivation for writing this note to matt my first love. i guess this is sort of my way of letting go and moving on.
you need not make commenet on this its just some thing i had to get out of my system
thanks for reading
and THANK YOU tim, your story as unhappy is it may be gave me back a bit of my life
***continue of new post***
well as you all know i have meet some one and he is comming into my life on monday may 12th at 11:44 am eastern time USA.
why do i bring up the past with my furture looking so bright and happy?....well jeremy my BF has meet the standard that i said no one could ever meet, jeremy has helped me open my heart to love and be loved. with this MB and the people here and the love that they showed me even at times that i could not love my self i have grown to be able to put my past to rest and open my heart to once again love.
on the secnond day that jeremy and i talked he said some thing in exactly the same way that matt used to say it ...word for word and sound for sound...so i guess you could say that i have found my new matt, twisted bizzar and freaky...yup but it was some thing that i was looking for and i have found it.
ok more to the point of this post.
life brought me to a google search on line to find a story The Misfit by Timmy...that story brought me to his web sight to other stories....those stories brought me here to this MY and my rag tag family of friends that love me unconditionally (new concept to me) at this place i have learn that no matter what and no matter how bad i feel or how bad life is right now i always have you people and the hope that you share.
so to any one new here give it a chance be honest and open and let others help you and love you till you can love your self again.
to the old timmers here thanks and never ever give up doing that your doing.
i started hurting when i was 15 and matt died
i started healing a year ago from that hurt
i started loving myself like 6 months ago
i started being love not to long ago by a man that fills
my heart with joy
every one of you who have added a post here since last july...THANK YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL
some of your posts were to me some to others but they have all helped a tiny tiny bit in my healing
peace
love
hugs
tim...of USA
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Nor was your true tale about Matt.
May he be at peace. May your new peace last for always
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Tim, I not only fully understand, but with recent events in my own life, I sympathize.
On Tuesday of last week, I was told some news that pretty much rocked me to the core. The kid who was once my best friend when we were both 11, eons ago, had been killed a month ago. He was an EMT in LA and well, he was at the right place at the wrong time, doing what he's always done and putting others first. He never knew what happened to him, and died almost instantly.
But it all happened a month ago, so I had no chance to properly grieve. I think that some time this summer I may make the 3000 mile trip and see about doing final respects. But all the memories of who we were to each other then, the long talks, the school events, chasing aroung on bikes, and the things that are only between two kids trying to figure things out. He was the first person I shared secrets with, and the first one that I had no secrets from. We parted two years later, the luck of the draw of both being military brats pulling us to opposite sides of the continent, and we lost touch over the years.
Now while all this is fairly tragic, I have to tell you, while I am heartsick, and the memories tend to keep me in the dumps a lot, I want to tell you all, just reading and posting here and sharing my own words helps me exorcise these ghosts. It's the knowledge that I'm not alone in all this, that others have similar memories of "first" friends.
Kenny, I never got to tell you all of how I felt when we parted, or of how many times I wanted to talk to you since then. I hope that where ever you are now that you are at peace, I know that it's a better place because of your smile. It will be a long time until we meet again, but you will always be in my heart.
To everyone else, thanks for the e-mails and support. I'll keep writing if you'll keep reading and if you all keep the faith.
Cya Later, Guys,
D'Artagnon
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
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Thanks, Tim, for showing us all how important it is to remember and to honour the memories.
I tend to think of the ones I've lost through death in a particular way. I think of them as candles burning in my heart. It's always been a good image for me to visualize. I'm a bit older, so it seems that there are more candles every year.
First, there was Chris, who died of cancer when we were 14. My first shocking experience of the death of a loved one.
A beloved cousin, whom I was in love with (and I think he knew it, at least a little bit)...who wrote me every week he was in Vietnam, until the letters stopped.
The closeted youth I tried to reach when I was in Grad School...and failed. He overdosed and went to sleep, despite everybody's efforts for more than a year.
All those dear friends whose funerals I cried through in the 80's when I was living in New York City in the early days of AIDS. More than 40 of those in 7 years. The best and the brightest. That was one of the reasons I moved to Asia. I had to leave, it was too sad to bear any more.
And just a few months ago, one of my oldest friends in Thailand, an American who had lived there for more than 40 years, who shared his knowledge and his wisdom and his experience with outrageous and true gay abandon. Roger died at age 74 with his adopted gay family around him. Man and I were fortunate to be there when he passed.
Sooo many candles in my heart right now. So many. Yet they do keep me warm. They would be happy to know they keep me warm.
Tim, you're about to make the love in your heart more real, more substantial. I think Matt would love it that Jeremey is on his way soon.
Keep the candles burning. Never forget.
And, in time, you yourself will be a candle burning in the hearts of others.
I suppose that's one of the reasons I am in eternal love with Man, who is 18 years younger than I. Odds are, I'll be a good warm candle in his heart, and I'll live on a lot longer than I might otherwise hope for.
But that's perhaps another subject.
I hope this wasn't too over the top mushy. Bear with me if it was...
That's what friends are for, right?
Right.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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I dunno what to say. I wnated to post though and Timmer said I should. That so sadyet with a happy ending. It reminds me of an old lasy I was talking to a few days ago... This is a little off topic however. Basically theres a little old lady who is a crossing guard on my street, I don't need to walk down that street but shes always so happy to see me I do every single day.
I was talking to her for awhile yestarday before I continued home from school. She stopped to ask me if I was playing the bells at the wedding today and I told her of course and asked if she would come listen to us. She said she would deifnitly be there. That morning however first she needed to go to the cemetary and pay her respects and lay flowers on all her loved ones graves, including both her parents a sister and my friend Sue. She said that she couldn't think of anythign she woudl rather do after that then go to a wedding for two people who had both lost a husband and a wife and pay her respects to them and be there to celebrate for them.
Timmers story reminded me of that even though there is infinate sadness the future is full of hope and love. Peace always Timmer, thanks for making me think.
peace and trees
~Andy
Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I was with him for twelve years and he was taken from me for no reason. We were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. It could have been anyone.
I watched as one of those bastards hit him again and again and then finally one of them swung a bat and he fell to the ground in a heap. Then they got into their cars and sped away.
I watched him and held his hand and tried to tell him that it would all be all right. I watched him slip away from me. There was nothing I could do because I was hurt too.
They would not let me go and say good bye.
I wanted to be there.... I loved him so much and I just needed to be there.
I miss him so much....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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I watched my little brother slipping away......I held his hand and tried to promise him I would never leave him. He said as long as I promised, he'd be all right.
They wouldn't let me go to the hospital to say goodbye. Said it would be too much for me.
I wanted to be there........He needed me and I wasn't there.
Different stories...different ages...emotions so strong we can taste them.
Life goes on but we never forget....the promises we made, the love that was lost, the space that will never be filled by anyone. Be it brother, lover, friend.....the hurt makes us stronger, they say and I suppose they're right. I don't feel strong about my brother though. I just feel like I should have been there. I will always feel that I broke my promise.
(In my own way Marc, I do understand)
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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Thank you for the beautiful words. Over the top mushy? No, over the top wonderful. Memories have been rushing full tilt at me today and it's good to know I'm not alone.
smith
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Pain never goes away, but others starting to understand your pain can help.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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tim...of usa
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Likes it here |
Location: buffalo, new york...USA
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 266
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my spirit and motive for this post was a message of hope but it seems that each person has taken it to there heart in there own way, which is fine with me.
i want you all to know that even if i dont post much in the next week or so i will be holding you all in my heart and hugging the hope that you all have given me and being greatful for the courage that that hope has allowed me to have.
love you guys a lot
peace
hugs
tim...of USA
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Bravo, Tim 
Something we all need to share, at times 
Re: some thing i need to share 
I am proud of both, no each, of you 
