|
|
Neph
|
 |
Getting started |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 23
|
|
|
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court." They are statements people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. I hope you find them as hilarious as I do.
__________________________________________________
Judge: "Well, sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
______________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
_____________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?
______________________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
______________________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_________________________________________
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
_______________________________________
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
________________________________________
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played one for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
________________________________________
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
_________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_________________________________________
Q. You say there were five children in you family?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
__________________________________________
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
__________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
_________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?
A: OK.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
___________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
___________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Guest
|
 |
On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
|
|
|
Oh my god this is so funny. I still can't believe they actually said that.
Now my question is, where did you get this?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Neph
|
|
Getting started |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 23
|
|
|
Where did I get it? Where else? - Someone sent it to me! (I laughed till it hurt, so I thought that you all should hurt some too. LOL)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Proves, that just because you've gone through law school doesn't mean you're a particulary bright fella... I really liked this one:
"Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
Thank you so much!
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
smith
|
|
On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
|
|
|
Those are really funny.......pathetic, but funny.
Here are some good comebacks....you know the ones you wish you had thought of.........
#1 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
#2 A truck driver was going along the freeway went under a low bridge and got stuck. The policeman walks over to the truck and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver replied, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."
#3 The cop waited with his speed reader and stopped a kid who was going 60 in a 35 zone. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
#4 A college professor reminds her class of the final exam tomorrow. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuse except nuclear attack, serious personal injury or a death in the immediate family." A boy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The teacher smiled sweetly and replied, "Well, I guess you'd just have to write the exam with your other hand."
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
Have a good laugh today. 
Total Duhhhhhhh......... 
