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warren c. e. austin
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Likes it here |
Location: Toronto, Ontario, CANADA
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 247
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... but not for me. Never, could I ask that of any of you. Not ever for myself. I ask for my "friend".
As he will read your replies to this thread beginning probably midmorning tomorrow, his time, I ask that you give my request the respect and the dignity that "he" deserves; I'm asking this, notwithstanding whatever your feelings may be for me.
I have no where else to turn; and, he so desperately needs the counsel and combined wisdom of the community he calls "his home". I'll not name him, but you all know him, with many having shared with him conversation a time or two. His membership here, and the fellowship the community at A Place Of Safety has shown him, was and is still largely responsible for why I can no longer ever be seen to be seen here; although recently there have been other probably more compelling reasons.
My problem folks, and more importantly, his, is that my friend is terribly lonely, and so very much "alone". This feeling of alienation and aloneness has recently progressed to such a degree that I now begin to fear for his safety.
I am not able to understand this. He is such a kind, caring and gentle soul. And, despite his claims to the contrary, an especially handsome man; not handsome in the "Classic" Sierra Club, or Madison Avenue "Calvin Klein" manner; but, more for his seasoned smile, his wry humour, and his typical early middle-aged boy-next-door appeal.
I have tried my best, and failed at each and every turn. I have anguished over his self-torture, even as I loved him, and failed miserably. I have gently bolstered his self-confidence, only to have it come crashing down in and around his heels. I have played Devil's Advocate to his ego, to have any illusions he may have still retained shattered, with every throw of the dice. I welcomed him into my World, showing him, as I have shown no other, what a sad, miserable, pitiful, and worthless existence I endure; hoping against hope, that he would balk at the prospects, get off his ass, and haul himself out of his despair.
During a rare conversation this evening, and a most untypical moment of him displaying severe self-pity, I asked of him to consider sitting as I sit, day-after-day, night-after-night; asking him to just once walk in my shoes for one day, and for him to then tell me that he has truly come to know, and finally understand, what loneliness, and being definitively and absolutely alone, is all about. I have asked of him not to become as I have become; imploring him to not ever allow himself to cry himself to sleep, as I do each and every night, praying fervently that he not awaken in the morning, only to find himself becoming angry in the morning when he realizes that he has. His response to me, just before saying goodnight, was simply, "I'm pretty much that way now as it is."
My friend resides, and works, in a small, nearly rural community, offering few outlets, and even fewer options, for him to develop into the man he wants to be, and would I'm certain, flounder and perish in a large urban centre. He has a number of "Real-world" friends, many of whom are striving like hell to introduce him around, and like me failing in all attempts.
I have suggested that he actively welcome attention from within the ranks of the men around him, only to be told tonight "How can I consider them, they're no fun". I know the reason for this, as do a number of you. They are simply not young enough. For those here reading this that may not know him, I ask that I not be misunderstand here either. My friend desires men in their early to mid 20's; men who are basically 10 years, or maybe a little bit more, younger than he is. Not teenagers, or younger still; but certainly not a matured man, as he is, either. This limits the available pool of worthy prospects dramatically given that his prospects aren't that great, in the first place, because of his environment. I suspect that as he ages, so will the age of those that draw his interest; but this consideration, is of no help to him now, and now is when he desperately needs help.
It is so easy for me to get angry with him, as I sit here, just as I did when speaking with him earlier this evening, myself unable but to wonder what I might give to be even just 15-years younger once more, and able to live as I once had lived, and again be the "Toast of the Town". To appreciate this you need to understand that my thirties were a glorious experience for me, far better in many respects than my twenties had been, but not as good as I would later find my forties. Knowing my friend as I do, and seeing him for what I see in him, I simply do not, and cannot, understand why he is lonely, and so very alone. It's positively criminal, and just should not ever be. For him, or for any one of you.
Those amongst you that have found a degree of happiness, who enjoy some measure of stability in your lives, please come forward and help my friend to understand that life need not be the arid and bleak existence he envisions for himself throughout the next 20, or 30, or more years. You, who come here as he does, sometimes seeking guidance, and at others affirmation, are what I cannot ever be for my friend. He desperately needs you; and needs you now.
Warren C. E. Austin
Toronto Canada
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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Hi Warren, first of all I see no reason why you can't come here for help be it for yourself or your friend.
I'm not sure I know what to say that will be of help, but it sounds like your friend is shutting doors instead of opening them. Happiness is frequently found where it is least expected. All my life I more or less knew that I was gay. I fought against it, denied it, distained it. But I knew it. I thought it impossible to find happiness because I was far too afraid to admit what I am. I couldn't come out. I couldn't allow myself to have a gay partner. And I thought there was no way a female partner could make me happy so I gave up looking.
Then one day a co-worker asked me if I might be interested in meeting her sister. I nearly said no. But something inside me, perhaps my own fear of being thought to be gay, told me to accept the invitation. What could it hurt? Most likely she wouldn't want me anyway. I'd meet her once, maybe twice and we would part ways. I would have dated a female and everyone around the office would have known it. My reputation would be safe.
Well, as an old TV character used to say "Surprise, surprise, surprise." I found happiness with her. I couldn't have happened. It shouldn't have happened. And it certainly wouldn't have happened if I had declined the invitation that day because someone's "sister" wasn't my type. I could have closed that door. Instead I opened it.
Has life become perfect since then? No. But am I better off than I was before? Absolutely!
Tell your friend to open the door.
Think good thoughts,
e
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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There are many young men who need and desire the stability that an older companion, then friend, then lover will bring.
It is a matter of being wise enough to meet them.
Areas like "Planetout", if well screened when the replies come in, will create opportunities.
Additionally a raising of the sights IS possible, to raise the age desired from a mid 20s to a youthful 30 someting. It takes a decision, of course, and some work, but it can be done.
Partnerships start sometimes a great distance apart. I know one on California that met a young man in Vancouver. They are together. Another in Ohio who met a young man in Lousiana. They are together now.
These things are totally possible. And they take work. BUT the net is simply one of the many places to start looking. Small ads in the personals WORK.
Oh, and Warren? We missed you. This was a GOOD place for a long post, my friend
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Good thoughts thus far.
One other thing...your friend needs to WANT to change and be helped. Nobody can make anybody else change or grow, even from negative ways to more positive ones. They have to be ready to take the risks that change entails.
Until he himself is ready to remove roadblocks of his own erecting, all your advise and all our words of encouragement won't amount to much.
Reminds me of a silly old joke...
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: One...but the light-bulb has really got to want to change...
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Warren,you are already doing a lot for your friend by BEING a friend.I sorely miss you at this forum.I alse note your presence on ashleys board and am inspired by your comments.They mean a lot to me.Friendship and fellowship are offered here on timmys forum,But some of us are seperated by thousands of miles.How may we help.Perhaps just to be strong FOR YOU so that you can be strong for your friend.Spiritual strength is a gift free for the asking.That power is GOD given but comes with a cavet-One must share that gift of strength with others.You do that in so many ways.Sometimes the hardest task a man can do is to ask for help and admit powerlessness over what we think we cannot change.The healing process begins with some kind of faith that things CAN get better.I believe THAT is the keyword-FAITH.Please consider THAT ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE UNDER GOD-if we ask.Not for ourselves,but for others.The measure that we share will be returned ten-fold....rob
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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I know I'm not qualified to be here but I did want to say something if it's okay.
His quote "How can I consider them, they're no fun," meaning they aren't young enough.....There was a topic on here not too long ago about remembering how to play and everyone commented that it's still within every person's grasp to enjoy life and sometimes it takes a nudge to remember how. I remember when I was little, we had a substitute teacher alot one year, a man who was the most wonderful person. He made everyone feel special and played a wicked game of kickball. We loved him but thought how old he was and how could he still play like that with us. He was 32........hahahaha !!
Here's something I saved thinking I could post it one day. It seems to fit right now:
The man whispered, "God, speak to me."
and a meadowlark sang.
But the man did not hear.
So, the man yelled, "God, speak to me."
and the thunder rolled across the sky.
But the man did not listen.
The man looked around and said,
"God, let me see you."
and a star shone brightly.
But the man did not see.
And the man shouted,
"God show me a miracle."
and a new life was born.
But the man did not notice.
So the man cried out in despair,
"Touch me God, and let me know you are here."
Whereupon, God reached down and touched the man.
But the man brushed the butterfly away.....
And walked on.
**I want to add one more verse of my own, if it's okay...
The man cried out sadly,
"God, I'm so lonely. I need your help."
and an e-mail arrived reaching out with encouragement.
But the man deleted it and continued to cry.
Please, don't miss out on what could make you happy because it might not be packaged the way you expect. Look for happiness, don't wait for it to come to you.......Go out. Look in their eyes.......youth, beauty, love.....it's in their eyes. Don't brush away the butterfly.......
{hug} smith
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Because it isn't full of roses and buttercups, all laced with silliness....
But it seems your friend needs a good solid dose of reality.
In life one attains what he is willing to reach for.
A person has to look at the realities which he can not change and make suitable comprimises in the areas which are not carved in stone.
If your friend is a thirty something and has not the charisma, ability or willingness to gain a twenty something, then he must set his sights to a more realistic goal.
Nothing in life comes without its little prices... And the maintenance of a relationship is high.
Your friend has to be willing to change. No one can do it for him. If he is not willing to do what needs to be done than there is nothing we can do.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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very well put marc--you have my respect....rob
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I know the person that Warren is referring to and Warren is absolutly right he is "such a kind, caring and gentle soul" but beyond that he is my best friend and I love him. I want nothing more than for him to be happy but nothing seems to help for very long. He like many others is tired of getting his hopes up only to be dropped to the floor and shattered. All I know to do to help him is to be there for him. I don't know that he needs me but I know that I need him...I don't know what I would do without him but I would be a hell of a lot lonlier if he wasn't around.
I love you bud and I will always be there for you come Hell or high water!!!!
Danielle (Ducky)
"To the world you may be but one person, but to one person you may be the world!"
"Some people love you and some hate you.. those who hate don't know what they're missing and they're missing out!"
"Never underestimate your power to change yo
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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There is always something new to find in Timmy's webpage, it is amazing. Anyways all i ask is for your friend to think about some of the things mentioned here. Just maybe he can find things that make life so beautiful. There is no reason to be lonely.
Fifteen of the best reasons for living, even if you cannot quite believe them, maybe especially if you cannot quite believe them
1)At least 5 people in this world, love you so much they would die for you.
2)At least 15 people in this world love you, in some way.
3)The only reason anyone would ever hate you, is because they want to be just like you .
4)A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5)Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6)You mean the world to someone .
7)Without you, someone may not be living.
8)You are special and unique, in your own way.
9)Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you.
10)When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11)When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look, you most likely turned your back on the world.
12)When you think you have no chance at getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, you probably sooner or later will get it.
13)Always remember complements you received, forget about the rude remarks .
14)Always tell someone how you feel, then they'll know.
15)If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they're great.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Please, I need your help ... 
Re: Please, I need your help ... 
justsmith 
