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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I was taking medication for depression and for pain. Now you have to understand what my living circumstances were at the time. I, for lack of a better discription had a caretaker, someone appionted by the court to look after my daily personal needs. Things like making sure the bills were paid, making sure I ate. Making sure I didn't harm myself. On this sunday for some reason that I don't really remember, I got up in the morning ant took my meds as usual, but later having forgotten, I took yet another dosage of the pain medication.
This started a spiral, kind of like watching a leaf being sucked into a whirlpool. Things began to crash in on me. Thoughts which I worked very hard to push out of my mind came rushing to the surface. Memories came flooding back.
This was the day I first talked with Tim.
I don't really remember what it was that we talked about. The only thing that I was sure of was that I took way too much medicine.
Tim held my hand. He talked with me and expected nothing, demanded nothing, but most importantly he never turned away from me. We would talk and somehow he caused within me a calm that let all the worse things finally come out. Things so horrid I still don't like talking about them.
Tim said that if I write out some of these things that it might help me to understand (I am not even sure is understand is the right word) what happened. Perhaps even the why of it all.
I can't really say that we came to any closure with understanding any of it, but I can say that it is a little easier for me to maintain focus. To avoid the spiral.
There are still things I have issues with. There are still things I wish I could resolve. Sometimes certain words or combinations of words bring out the worse in me. Sometimes I react without thinking. Sometimes I react with alot of remembering.
I am not saying all this for sympathy. Nor to make any excuses.
I wish none of this ever happened. I wish I would not have wasted my entire life. But I did waste my life. I just couldn't deal with things any more so I just hid within the walls of a classroom. I have nothing to show for it.
Nothing......
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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No Message Body
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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I know you've seen alot more life than I have....experienced alot more. I know that. But we do share a common thread. The first times I talked to Tim I was so high on Percodan and Darvoset you could have flown me like a kite. I was spiraling out of control and he caught me just before I crashed. He talked quietly to me and expected nothing, asked nothing of me other than to think and never turned away from me. He never told me to write about it but he did let me put my story on the site when I asked.
Marc, memories come out of nowhere, tearing at the fragile wall we have built to hide behind. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone. Whatever age we are, ghosts try to control our lives. Don't let them. This is just as hard for me to write as it was for you to write yours.
{{{hugs}}}
smith
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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I guess I just like to see what makes people tick, and I don't think you've really shared that much about yourself here, so I'm certainly glad. I think we are all the results of our lives, some of which we have some control of, some we don't, and, especially in my case, some SEEMS like we don't have options or choices, but we really do - we just need to look for them.
Teaching is a very honorable profession, and certainly no waste. It may be "safe" but maybe that is a good thing for you right now. We all need safety in our lives. But, teaching is an investment in the future, and an opportunity to make an impact in this world. How many students do you influence each day? Share some bit of your philosophy or your soul or your kindness? I would love to hear more - what and where you teach - but only when you want to tell, of course.
There are a few teachers that really changed my life, or got me thinking rather than regurgitating facts. Several were not just "teachers" but truly mentors or friends. Others I couldn't relate to or thought odd, but those also got me thinking.
Okay, (whoever) you can slap my for being sugary and all, but I do tell it like I feel it.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I know what you have been through to the extent that you made it live in my mind, but I just happen to like you, though we have been known to fight recently. But real friends can fight without cost to the friendship.
My thoughts are to allow the rest to come out again, as vivid or restrained as you make it. What you lived through first was awful enough. The remaining evil times are surely now balanced by the good? And yet you are not yet able to process the crap to finality. I very much hope you become able to. Here.
Take note of the people who want to grasp your hand, and grasp a few. Somtimes it will sting a bit. Water too hot. Other times water too cold. The right people are here and in your home. Spill it all again in profnt of the right people and it will lose its power again.
As for a wasted life, which of us has not got one of those? None of us have achieved yet all our goals. But we can.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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The subject was Philosophy.... But I no longer teach.... I chose early retirement some 3 years ago. Things were all mounting too high and it all was about to crush me.... I had to go (at least for a time).... There was another reason as well, but I just can't talk about it now....
I loved teaching, I loved seeing that spark light up when all of a sudden a person "gets it". Perhaps someday I will go back.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Wasting a life is when you hurt the people that care about you. When you hurt people for no reason, turn on them, belittle them, treat them as if they don't exist.
When you help another person, care about them then life is never a waste.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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No Message Body
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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