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Part is self-inflicted. I sit at home doing nothing but playing games or surfing the net or writing my stories while it's being a totally marvellously wonderful summer day outside. Then I sit at home and do the same thing when it's cloudy and rainy thinking to myself, 'well I don't wanna be out in that weather anyway so what does it matter?'. I have wasted like three weeks worth of great weather this way so far.
I have emails I need to write to people, except I put it off again and again, then I whine and pout to myself about nobody writing me... Geez, I really should do better, I know. I usually DO do better if people prod me, but I guess everyone's too busy for that, it's understandable. I mean, I'm used to people being too busy for me so why complain.
I missed an appointment with my therapist or whatever the hell he's supposed to be more than two weeks ago because I friggin forgot about it like I do so easily; in part I forgot because he re-scheduled from a friday to a monday or tuesday, but I think I forgot simply because I plain FORGOT. Hell, I can stand in the bathroom clipping my nails, and as I start on like the third finger I think, 'gotta clip toenails also', and by the time I clip the tenth nail, I have FORGOTTEN that I need to clip my toenails also! Can someone try to understand how FRIGGIN IRRITATING AND ANNOYING it is forgetting things from one moment to the next and nobody understanding me? They just think I'm sloppy, like I would do this on purpose?! AAAARRRHHH!
I still got a bill for not showing up of course, but he didn't bother contacting me for a new appointment and it's been at least two weeks now. Dammit, he KNOWS I have problems dealing with my life, he should friggin help me with this! It's his friggin job after all or so I thought at least! I called his number late last week (only got his voicemail of course) but he hasn't called back today).
The Evil Momthra called at nine thirty today to wake me up without me asking her to do it. I told her yesterday I slept til noon (because I sat up writing, amongst other things) so she was just trying to be helpful to avoid wasting half the day I guess, but I had this really wonderful dream about men going out to war long ago (like, pre-WW1 era), and young, beautiful and mysterious refugee girls that appeared at farm houses to live there for a while before disappearing again without a trace, only being known by a number and not a name. They did embrodery-work with nimble hands and weaved grass, and somehow impregnated the returning soldier-boys (???) before disappearing... Well, it was a dream people! It doesn't have to make sense!  What was so wonderful was that it was strange and mysterious and filled with a sense of tranquility, and it was scored with music too, and it was wonderful, and then Momthra calls and wakes me up right in the middle of it. I was kinda pissed.
I went back to bed and woke up an hour later due to radio-alarm starting to scream at me and an over-full bladder. Didn't bother going back to bed after that.
Had another, quite different dream before that one, ending around 07:25 or so... I don't remember much about it, it was me and some guys, and we had bath robes placed out on chairs, and then some other guys came and took our bath robes so we took theirs as compensation, and then they got upset with us and seemed to want to fight. I wasn't scared, I was confident in my dream I could handle those guys, but I calmed things down by saying I didn't want to fight, why should we fight when it was so much better just to talk (or something like that), as I sat down on the floor in front of this handsome guy. He had a black suit-jacket on and dark curly hair that was fluffy and kinda gay-looking (the hair I mean, not the guy. The guy was just kinda manly with a nice smooth chin n such), and suddenly we were making out like crazy him and me, naked, and I had my .... well you know, up his .... hmm, well you know... And then I was awake all of a sudden, proud owner of a pair of messy orange boxers.
That's a much better way of handling conflicts methinks than invading countries and such.
Nobody's replied to my contact ad. Makes me believe I really am as unattractive a guy as I think I am.
So this is a small splinter of my life in writing. Can't expect anyone to care, but I needed to write about it, tell someone even if nobody listens just to see if I'm still visible.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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The old joke. "Who spoke just then?"
But it woudl have hurt.
What I think is that we are as invisible as we make ourselves. SO a way of handling this is to raise your profile inside yourself as a worthwhile human being.
I know you are worthwhile. We have met, eaten and drunk together. We have walked, talked hugged and joked. What I can so, so can others. Only you have to see it too.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Your therapist shouldn't be so rude...my policy is to return calls within 24 hours, and if I haven't then the client should assume that I didn't get it. Unless I'm out of town or something.
You have such great dreams!! If you had depressed dreams, so to speak, that wouldn't be such good news...but these are terrific, full of life, like you want to be when you're awake!
Pssst...you like my new screen name? Hehehe
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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You know how much I love your little "splinters of life"
Nimble fingers and weaving grass.......I choked on my oj when I read "had my...well,you know,up his...hmm,well you know.." That was hysterical. That sounded more like smithtalk than lennyspeak hahaha!!
Go for a walk today so you can tell us what you saw. Go to that beautiful lake not far from your place.
{{{hugs to a very visible Lenny}}}
smith
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Timmy: sorry, I hadn't heard that joke before, but I've got a sense of humor (under most circumstances anyway hehe), I think I could have handled it. I try to raise my profile despite having tried so many times only to be cut down to size again and again, but always when I do either someone comes along with a lawnmower or I feel invisible like previously stated.
It's not just a question of doing it you know, no matter if others have done it before me or not. I am NOT them, if I were I wouldn't be in this situation.
David: the guy's kinda sucky, he doesn't really make me want to talk. Often he just says, 'hmmmm...?' and sits there for like half a minute it feels like with a weird sort of half-smile on his face, waiting for me to say something. I have told him he has to lead the way with his questions, but he doesn't get it. 
I love my dreams, well at least sometimes I do. Once in a while they're scary (though not very often I admit) but when they are it's like I don't ever want to sleep again. Mostly I don't remember them at all, and sometimes I wake up because the dream's just so damn boring! Like realizing you're watching the weather on TV, or sports (and your name is NOT e, hehehe!) And then, every once in a while I have a dream that is so extraordinarily vivid and amazing, some dreams I would move heaven and earth to be a part of forever.
It would be way too easy to think dreams are the real world and my waking life just a nightmare, but I know that wouldn't be true though it often feels that way. And yes, I do like your new screen name, you bastard! *HUGS*, you lucky man you. 
smith: Glad I managed to make you smile as you had your daily OJ. Reason for the smithtalk was I didn't want to be crude you know, with women and minors present and all... :):) Besides, as with clothing, often it's more effective when NOT revealing everything than laying things completely bare for everyone to see. 
I would have tried to go on a walk today, but it's totally raining cats and dogs outside unfortunately and I'm not hardcore enough to brave such weather without a pressing reason to do so... Maybe in the evening if things have calmed down then, I'd have to check later.
Anyway, you might want to take a look at this and see what the big bad CIA is up to with your taxpayer's money: http://www.canada.com/search/story.aspx?id=070b5d8e-fb99-4a84-b7e0-062bf182c011
Personally, I think it was absolutely hilarious.
Hugs to all!
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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I too have been sitting at home a lot more lately doing nothing when I could (should) be going out.
Your dreams are so vivid. Mine are like that, but rarely can I remember them in such detail. I've been having dreams with a lot of violence lately, but none have resulted in messy orange (or any other color) boxers.
Your therapist may "get it" more than you think. That could be why it's so irritating. He could just be a bad therapist who doesn't return phone calls, or he could be trying to get you to break your pattern of behavior. You don't take much initiative and he's requiring that you do. It's like the way you handle emails. You frequently take a long time to return them, then wonder why you don't get any when you know that people will write back if you return theirs. If you take the initiative you will get what you want.
Think good thoughts,
e
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Lenny, beign "invisible" can be a safe place to be when stressful things begin to crunch in. But you are far from invisible. You are seen just about daily, sometimes with cute little vignets of Lennyland, or nice things to say to someones posting. You often offer words of comfort or encouragement or just acknowledging that you read someones posting.
Lenny, you are far from invisible...
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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More of your feeling of being seen, heard or recognized. This is about how you feel about the world around you. Many people including, if not especially me, think you pretty darn wonderful.
I can't make you know that but I sure wish I could. You might just find that the more you share yourself with the rest of the world, the more you will feel "visible".
I for one think the rest of us would be better off too. Your a great guy, and a marvelous human being.
Much Love,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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I feel invisible. 
I was so tempted 
Mornin' Lenny 
Thoughts on your thoughts... 
