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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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#1
An atheist is walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river!" As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13 foot Kodiak brown bear ready to charge at him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly gaining on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest as he tried to run faster yet, but alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike.
"OH MY GOD !!," the man screamed. Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped flowing....as a brilliant light shown upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around. "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT? DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?"
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years; but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
#2
A drunk guy gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud bloodcurdling scream is heard, one scream and then another and another.
The bartender runs to the restroom to investigate. "What's all the screaming about? You're scaring the customers."
The drunk guy cries, "I'm just sitting here on the john and every time I flush, something reaches out and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"
The bartender opens the restroom door, looks inside and says, "You idiot!! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!"
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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total brat. ROFLMAO. Mop bucket!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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totally worth while to read, just to get to joke #2.
Thanks smith.
Brian
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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to be smith jokes.
Think good thoughts,
e
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For some inexplicable reason, when it saw "smith Joke Alert!!" my mouse did its impression of the pointer on an Ouija board and went right for it! [ ]
Thanks, smith! Aside from providing some laughs, it also let us know that you escaped Tropical Storm Bill (goodness knows you've had more than enough rain there to pretty much last the whole summer).
We do not remember days...we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Problem is, you have to understand mop buckets!
One pace forward all Janitors!
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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sidenote....Two weeks ago, we had 23 inches of rain in a 5 day period!!! We had fish swimming in our yard and limestone deposits under the roads disolved and the roads collapsed. That tropical storm went to New Orleans and then moved on toward the Carolinas. And this is just the beginning of hurricane season. Ya gotta love Florida!!
soggy smith 
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No Message Body
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Saw this link in a thread on another board about the US supreme court ruling on sodomy laws. PLEASE tell me what you think okay? Personally I think it's funny as hell. 
http://www.ilovebacon.com/063003/i.shtml
-L
PS: e, I tried writing a post to you today but god, bill gates and internet explorer all conspired against me because the browser window just crashed spontaneously and unprovoked before I could post it.  Sorry man, I'll try to re-write it soon.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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How on earth do you tell the sex of a spider???
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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If it purrs it is a female.....
If it bites you it is still prolly a female.....
If it looks at you with a cold "ive got a headache" stare, well then it is prolly still a female.....
If it rolls over and spreads its legs.... well you know....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Firstly, Marc authors a "fluff" piece on hotdogs. Secondly, he responds to a "fluff" piece here in smith's thread. And, to top it all off he actually cracks a joke.
Lordy, I think I've done died and gone to heaven!
Keep it up Marc, bud. It's soooooooooo nice to see you show your gentle side.
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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I'll wait.
Think good thoughts,
e
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Hotdogs are my favorite food..... So I am looking for the perfect one.....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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smith Joke Alert !! 
Re: smith Joke Alert !! 
Rain,,,, 
I simply cannot believe I'm actually witnessing this ... 
