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simon
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Getting started |
Location: Perth, Australia
Registered: July 2003
Messages: 13
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Hello all,
I was just woundering when you people realised first that you were gay, and then before for that the first memory, when you look back and realise then that you new.
uv probalby disscussed this before but I was just chatting with a friend and so thought it would be an intresting topic.
Simon =)
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I first realised I was "gay" when I was 46 or so. Before that I just knew I liked boys and was obsessed by one (who never really existed anyway).
But, when I look back, I can see that I was always totally boy oriented. From as young as I can recall, I loved the male body and wondered what all the fusss was about over the female one. I would think the age of 10 or 11 was really the point I am truly aware of male/male feelings. But it may be before that in reality. I do remember worshipping other boys when aged 5 or so, but nothing sexual existed for me at that age. My childhood was more innocent than kids today.
I even worshipped one who bullied me, and craved contact with him. How weird is that?
But I got hung up about one boy, who, to me, was beautiful. So I got stuck fantasising about him, and about how he was and looked when I saw him last. Hence I never grew up. Not for years. That took an act of willpower.
That willpower made me able to acknowledge that I am gay. Though the label is unappealing
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Like Timmy, I can't remember a time when I was not attracted to boys and men. From the earliest memories, my interests were always in males. Timmy on the old Lassie black & white show. Danny Partridge. David Cassidy. Those all date me as a Geezer, huh? hehe
But the first time I realized that what I was feeling was gay...that was during my Junior Year in High School. My father made me go to the Prom with the depressed daughter of his business partner (who later tried to kill herself...but it wasn't my fault!).
She did try to kiss me good night...and it was then that I thought, "Why aren't you Hank Fischer???" (he and his date had been sitting next to us, and he was HOT.
It came as a big shock...I didn't sleep at all that night, when the penny dropped. If I was 16, that would have been 1968.
Ye Gods...
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That's all I need to say about that, hehe! 
As for me, I was curious about boys from way early. I think I showed mine to another guy (and he his to me) when I was like five years old or something. I also had sort of a puppy love thing going (but without the love I suppose, though I was fond of her) with the absolutely most stunningly pretty girl in the whole kindergarten. 
Kinda been the same way ever since. Never was a big deal for me, never gave me any sleepless nights, never had a moment in my life when I was stunned by this. In one way, knowing I like guys (as well as girls) has kind of been the simplest part of my life, everything else has been kinda funked up in one way or another. Weird, huh?
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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For me to even acknowledge being gay as a possibility for myself. I first got the internet when I was 15 or maybe 16 (late 2000) and after about a 6 months of having it I realised that it was always pictures of males I'd look up, or guys I'd try to find to cyber in chat rooms. It started off as a sexual realisation, which led to me to realise that I appreciated masculine beauty more, too, I started to realise that I'd perved on a lot more guys than girls, though not in a sexual way. Finally, I realised that male personalities appeal to me as well and basically by this stage I realised I loved every aspect of males. It wasn't until early last year however, 2002, that I first decided my sexuality was more "gay" than "bi", when a female friend of a friend basically started coming on to me, sexually. In some ways I think it is a little impossible to know what your true orientation is until you have experienced intimacy with a person of your prefered gender, or both genders. I guess it's different for everyone, though, but for me, it was sort of the nail in the coffin (I had another encounter, but with a guy, in early 2002).
As for looking back, signs that I should have picked up on. Well, it was always guys in my fantasies from an age where I began masturbating (11ish). I always imagined doing things together with my close friends. I admired other guys in the change rooms, not just sexually (there was barely a time when you got naked at my school, changed everything but underwear), but their chests, legs, etc. Emotionally, well, I've always had close relationships with guys, whereas my family is entirely comprised of females (never knew my Dad, never had much contact with my grandfather and my uncle has been in Japan, Mum has had boyfriends, but they've always been idiots), growing up around females has made me respect females a lot, I've had a fair few females friends, but never the type I feel I could be more than friends with, where as the guys, it's just a different feeling.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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No Message Body
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
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First time I knew for certain had to have been in ninth grade. Before then, I'd had the usual "safe" exploration period with both boys and girls. I can remember being very interested in other little boys as far back as kindergarten, and even had some exploring fun with a few pals back then. I never understood why my penis was hard and theirs almost always was just soft. Weird? Yeah, well, but there it is. I had a slew of girlfriends while younger (one even killed my first two-wheeler by parking it right behind Dad's car...CRUNCH!), and we did the usual early messing around stuff. You know, playing doctor or post office, party games as a teen (especially that nice one involving two kids shoved in a closet to see who gets frisky and who just gets smacked down). I can remember always having, uhm, shall we say, naughty impulses aroung my guy friends. Hockey locker rooms usually don't leave a great deal to the imagination, and my eyes had plenty of space to roam. I guess that's when it hit me that I liked guys a little more than the other guys would want to know.
I think it's important to note that even after I started figuring out that I wasn't one of the toes-on-the-line, straight boys, I still dated and had relations with girls. There was always that part of me that was curious, but I was brought up (prepare for the groan) Catholic and was certain that my family wouldn't understand my curiosity, or much approve me attempting to satisfy it. I also, guiltily, took part in minor hazing rituals against suspected "queer" kids. Nothing physically painful or degrading, but the usual name calling, snide remarks and sharp wit going to work, which hurts even worse, I guess, for lack of a physical mark.
I figured out I was Bi, and selectively so, after a summercamp incident of my 10th grade year. It was one of those more awkward moments for me. My family was moving for the second time that year, and I had to start over, again. I opted for the summer camp just to get away from having to deal with the new environment and because I wanted to have a little peace and quiet on what I thought was my last free summer, before the dreaded summer job would be mandatory.
Anyhow, it was a boy scout camp, so everything was based on proximity to the swimming hole/waterfront. Let's face it, in early August in Florida, no one wants to be far from water when the heat and humidity of the day hit. But I didn't want company. I had too much on my mind, and so I found a quiet place on the far side fo the lake to just stare at the water and commune with nature.
I thought I had the place to myself, but so did two other boys. I don't know them, never met them at camp and didn't interrupt when they pulled their boat up onto shore, hid it, and then, well, I'll give them their privacy in what they did. But it sparked something in me. I watched silently thinking to myself that I'd have traded places with either of them in an instant.
I still think of myself as Bi, as far as orientation is concerned. But I also don't think of it as a defining feature about me. Who I love is a matter of not just their plumbing, but of their personality. And while I'm not "seeing" anyone right now, I currently have my eyes on two individuals, one of each sex, and both are kinda giving me signals.
Does that make me conceited, that I think two people want me? Possibly. Does it make me feel superior that I believe that I can pick and choose? By no means. I just feel that while I am strongly attracted to guys, I shouldn't cut myself off to the possibility that I might find love with a female as well.
Then again, that's just me, and I'm understandably weird. And for the record, I really am leaning towards the guy that's giving me eyes. Not that it matters much, but I think guys understand guys better, and this one's a keeper. Now, if I can just get up the guts to tell him that his hinting and my hinting are hinting at the same thing.......
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
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Steve
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Really getting into it |
Location: London, England
Registered: November 2006
Messages: 465
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I don't think I really 'knew' until it became the vogue to talk about 'gayness'. But I was aware, in my own way, that I was different from a very early age. I have recollections of homoerotic images from an age when I was so young that I am not even certain that I was in school yet. I was never 'gay': I was always 'me'. And I suffered - suffered from a sense of difference, frustration, guilt. I had crushes on boys from about the age of 11, and I am sure that all of them were straight. At any rate, I never dared to find out.
I truly believe that if I could have lived through my adolescence in the 21st century it would have changed the course of my life.
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Similar to timmy and a bit like Saben:
I actually admitted it to myself about 2 years ago, age 38. In retrospect, there were lots of clues I was ignoring, but then I'm not very self-aware and can be oblivious at times.
The most obvious signs being females never turned my head or appeared in my fantasies. Making a dildo at 16 and "inventing" anal sex at 9 might be relevant, too. Then I had too much time on my hands a few years ago and realized the only porn I was reading/viewing was gay and it had gone well past "curiosity."
I did have a few girlfriends and have been she-married for almost 17 years now, but I think that was mostly a combination of convenient lust-fulfillment plus friendship and companionship. If I hadn't been seriously involved with my wife in college, there were a couple guys I probably would have pursued and there was a GSA or whatever they called it back then I thought about briefly.
I just recently came out to my best friend since we were teenagers. He pretty much said, "Yeah, I kind of always wondered" and went on to recount details of several incidents I'd forgotten. Of course I said, "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME I WAS GAY?!?" Really, the only near-stereotype I fit is not enjoying sports and being emotionally sensitive.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I first realised i was gay in 8th grade. I remember, specially in the lockers, i started wonder what would it be like to be with the guys undressing infront of me. I secretly observed them and all i could do was to imagin. Another thing that made me realized i was gay was when a girl from school approach me and told straight out that i cute and she wanted to kiss me and be my girlfriend. I mean for any normal guy that would have been great because a girl giving herself to you is like a dream come true ( at least at tha age) since is usually the guy who asks the girls out. You what i told her, NO. You heard me , i told her no, i turned her down. Deep down i knew i was not going to be satisfy. I did not feel an attraction for her. I mean she was a great girl and sexy too but my attraction to boys was stronger. I knew right then that i was gay.
As far as memories comes, i remember all the way back when i about 7 years old that i would touch and do things with my friends. I did not know what it was at the time but i knew that i love it. It was a great feeling to have them touch me and i doing that samething to them. I also have vivid memories of when i was 9 years old. I remember i did amazing things with this boy, he was 11 at the time, i know i will not forget. I wish i knew i was gay at that time, i would have done more. Why can't you turn back time?
Then time went on and in 5th grade i did have a girlfriend. We did many naughty things together but now that i look back i never was really attracted to her. I don't know why i was with her. Then just a few months back ( i'm now 16 ) i had the change to be with a guy in a more intimate way. Of course i was more aware of my feelings and trust me did i not feel more complete ever than when i was with him. It was a great moment surely i will never forget. Today i'm happy with my life and trying to live it one step at a time.
That was my story, it was fun to remember all those things about my life.
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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I used to fantasize about a boy in my fourth grade class, but I think I was attracted to boys even before that. But it would be years before I realized I was gay. Part of it was because I also like girls. I am Bi, but much more attracted to male than female. That allowed me to dismiss my gay feelings for a long time. I became more and more aware I am attracted to males as I entered puberty and my fantasies became very sexual. Still I didn't realize it. I'm not really sure when I actually did finally become aware. I know I was aware of it in college, but I don't recall thinking I was gay while still in high school. Though I do recall knowing that I was atracted to my male friends in high school. I must have figured it out late in high school or early in college. However, it has only been the last few years that I have begun to be comfortable with it.
Think good thoughts,
e
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I guess I knew when I was 10 years old. I did not accept that till much later. And did not tell anyone till a while after that. But deep down, I knew at 10.
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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Re: More complex than you could imagine 
I'm not sure 
