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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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and I suppose that's true, but what if, after awhile, when people you love hurt you and let you down and circumstances just keep knocking you flat...what if you don't get stronger anymore? How do you say to someone, "I can't do this anymore? I can't deal with this anymore?" What if little chunks of you get lost and you realize that the strength you had isn't there anymore? What do you say to yourself to make it all right? What do you say to them? How do you put yourself back together when the pieces don't fit? Can you get so lost that you don't get stronger anymore?
smith
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Would you care to be a little more specific.
Tell me - us - more.
Your pain is palpable, but without more detail, how can you expect us to help?
And please, do not runaway, respond let's us work through this together. All of us.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I'll take a stab at this, even without more details.
Yes, it seems to me that sometimes a relationship can drag you down and make you weaker. Yes, from personal experience, some relationships just don't meet your needs despite all parties meaning well.
Only you can say when it's time to pull the plug and call it a day. You're timing won't be the same as anybody else's, and other people will have strong opinions about the timing. If that's what you mean, I can only suggest direct and honest statements about the situation to anybody you need to.
For yourself, I hope you can get to the place where you can really believe that you did all that you could, the best that you could, and that there truly wasn't any more that could be done by YOU to try and make it work out. If some of the problems come from you, then of course work on those so you're a better partner. If there are problems from the other person, then that person has to own their problems and work on them him/herself. And it's not your fault if they don't do that.
And then if it really isn't going to work out, you'll mourn the loss...grief from a relationship can feel like the death of a loved one.
I don't often speak of earlier relationships (before Man came along and helped me finally make it work the way it should...)
One of my first relationships was with somebody I loved so much it hurt to think about it...I was sooo full of love I could hardly bear it. I wanted the relationship to work sooo badly, I felt like I might not survive somehow, if it didn't work out as i wanted it to.
And Mike meant well. I think, in his own way, he really loved me too. He was one of the first people to tell me, "I love you". He was sooo handsome. So intelligent. Sooo ready for me to help him be free of his past.
But what he really needed was for me to do all the work. I was given the responsibility of fixing everything...not just my problems, but Mike's as well. Not because he was selfish, but because he truly believed that I was the one that could do it, and that he couldn't solve his own problems.
He was soooo messed up. It sent me to therapy (which in a way helped me find my current career, of course...) It used to embarress me to tell people about Mike, since now I can see so clearly how one-sided it was. It's a long story, loads of messy details. I'll probably turn it into a storyu sometime. Until then, suffice it to say that the last I heard about Mike, he was in prison for drrugs and car theft.
It still makes me sad to think about him. It makes me sad to think about what could have been. It makes me angry that he seems to have wasted his life. But maybe he was doing the best he could, and couldn't do any more either.
How do you let go? First I had to break off contact with him, saying good-bye the best I could. And believe me, Mike did NOT understand. (Your situation is probably waaay different than this, and you may not need to break off like that.) Then I had to mourn the loss, which took me quite a long time.
But the heart does go on, as thecorny theme song from Titanic says.
It reminds me of a Tennyson (I think...) poem called Blue Rose Melancholia:
"I think of all that I could do,
If all the roses were only blue."
But they're not. Sometimes reality sucks.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Friends help us work out how to hammer the pieces back into place. None of us is strong enough alone.
Friendship is an active process, of befriending and working to keep the friendship. It starts with a shy "hello". Enough "hellos" and someone replies. And enough repliues and you find friendship material
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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tim...of usa
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Likes it here |
Location: buffalo, new york...USA
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 266
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some times i just dont know where all the chunks of me go so what i do is let it go and let "god" (in your onw understanding) help me get past or get the job done.
i have over the years ended up with a few spear parts....i always know tommorow will be better, extra parts or not it alwyas is
peace
tim
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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"Spear parts", I mean. Hope you don't mind my joking. I do seriously like your reply, though.
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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But it is at this point that your saying is most correct. When you get to the point where you are worn down and you start to think that it just might kill you, that's when you must find the strength to step back, take a breath, and maybe even say "I can't do this anymore." You can't always make everything alright. Sometimes you become stronger when you realize that. I'm not talking about giving up, only stepping back and taking a realistic look at whatever it is that is causing you so much pain. Sometimes the only way to keep from getting killed is to admit that something is broken and you can't fix it and move on. Accept that it is broken and at least for now, it will have to remain that way. Being able to set things aside and move on often takes considerable strength. And anything that takes strength, builds strength.
Think good thoughts,
e
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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... has anyone here at all had any contact what-so-ever, whether IM Service, e-Mail, whatever, with our young smith in the past 24-hours. That would be from just before Midnight EST on the 21st, July.
That's when he started this thread, and it is so unlike him to have not at least "openly" acknowledged one of the responses to his thread; moreover, I have noticed he has not replied to any post at all since having made his own crie de coeur at 23:55 Hrs EST.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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He's fine. Just painting his home pretty much single handed. And as fed up as anyone would be.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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A good friend told me that I don't always have to be happy and bouncy as if the world and I are great buddies; to write a post when my defenses were down. I'm sorry I worried people and thank you for caring.
One of the things I've done to myself over the past 5 years is feel that I have to make people happy. That it's my duty in life to give everyone what they want......a smile, a giggle, a feeling that they are cared about. I'm learning that when I do that, I unbalance the scale........I give but I don't let myself receive. You can't make people love you but I think you can just lay it all out and ask them to like you. Maybe they will; maybe they won't. The danger in that is caring too much and realizing too late that all they want is that smile, that ::kiss:: ,not smith with all his funky screwed up dreams.
An old friend on-line called me a chameleon once and I had to agree. Maybe he's the only one who's ever really seen me and, sadly to say, he didn't like what he saw.
I hide from the world; I hide everything I think and feel. I realize I have to stop but old habits are hard to break. I seem to be having an extremely long "drama princess" moment this week. Excuse me please. J
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Thank you for all you've given us over - what - the last year? Your friendship and contributions have been wonderful gifts.
But your honestly is a great gift too, even if you don't know how to stick a bow on it. We'll take it unwrapped and dented around the edges, you know. Seems like this is a perfect place to take off the chameleon suit when you are ready to get naked a little. No need to be excused for having a bad week and needing to talk about it, either.
I like funky - perfection is boring. And, we know at least one of your dreams is very beautiful.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I'm happy you're now ready to show us more sides of yourself than just the smiley bits. Helps us all to know you better. And as e and trevor said so well, you're entitled...and it will help others do the same, I think.
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Re: Things that don't kill you make you stronger....... 
Freudian slip or tmi? 
I'm getting worried ... 
