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No Message Body
"To the world you may be but one person, but to one person you may be the world!"
"Some people love you and some hate you.. those who hate don't know what they're missing and they're missing out!"
"Never underestimate your power to change yo
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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No Message Body
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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You can probably learn just about anything. But in the end, love isn't a learned behavior or a learned emotion. You can learn how to love someone, even learn how to express it, but if you don't feel it first, it's not going to happen. Emotions don't work like text books. I absolutely hated Trigonometry, but I could learn it. I totally fell in love with one person and learned to be with that person, but I'd never even have tried if the love wasn't there already.
Similarly, just loving isn't enough. Love is your end of it, true, but a relationship is a reciprocation of love. It's a lot like trust. You don't trade trust, you earn it. Well, you don't just say "I love you," and automatically get a "I love you, too," back. Many times we can't help who we fall for. Just the same way, we can't help who we don't fall for either.
So, can you learn to love someone? Probably not. although you can learn to adjust to them, it's not the same. It's got to start as love and then let learning take over.....Hollywood movie scripts not withstanding. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but in my experience, that's the way it works.
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
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I like this guy but I don't know if I love him...I don't know if it is something that can develop over time so I don't want to close any doors. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met and I know he would do damn near anything for me so I don't want to let him go, but at the same time I don't want to string him along either. That is where my current dilemma is. I know he likes me alot but I'm just not sure how I feel about him.
"To the world you may be but one person, but to one person you may be the world!"
"Some people love you and some hate you.. those who hate don't know what they're missing and they're missing out!"
"Never underestimate your power to change yo
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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No Message Body
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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Not worth much but from a kid's POV:
I think you already know. It really sounds like this nice guy is affecting your head; not your heart. Your head is telling you that he's great just exactly what you want, but your heart isn't doing flipflops. Considering whether or not you really want to be with him or how you feel about him would SO not be an issue if you were falling in love.
My best friend dated the most adorable girl. Sissy would have done anything for him. She gave him little presents, sat through movies like Blade2, and accepted the lamest of excuses. She is a beautiful,loving girl but he broke it off because he was taking advantage of her and he was never gonna take it any further.
Sweetie.....if you don't know whether you do or not...you don't...and it's not likely to jump out from behind the door three weeks from now.
{{{hugs}}} smith
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Love can grow over time, but you cannot learn to love someone.
You canrealise that you are in love quite late in a relationship. All love feels different. But you do know. or at least have a clue. That he is sweet and plain nice does nto mean you love him.
But you might choose him and being perfect in all except that.
A vital question is "Do you want to make love to him?"
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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ch.oo.lo
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Toe is in the water |
Location: Michigan, USA
Registered: August 2003
Messages: 49
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I've never posted here before, and I'm not trying to argue or anything like that.
If you don't want to have sex with somebody, does that mean you can't love them?
Maybe I don't have a right to ask this because I've never been in a relationship/love and I've never wanted to have sex with anyone. Those 2 things probably eliminate a great deal validity from my question but I'm still curious as to what the answer is.
-Ch.Oo.Lo
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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You can love somone if you don't want to have sex with them. What I am driving towards is the fact that most relationships involve sex.
So, I could love you, for example, as a friend, a brother or sister, a parent or a child. But could I have a long term relationship with you lasting some years if I don't want to make love to you? I doubt I could.
I'm not talking about simply having sex. We can have sex with people we don't ever want to see again. I'm talking about making love, emotionally as well as physically.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Welcome! The question is certainly valid. I think sexual desire - chemistry if you will - is one component of love, and there are also different kinds of love.
I took timmy to mean that if you really like someone and lust for them, perhaps it would be easier to fall in love over time, or possibly even have a different relationship which isn't love but is close friendship with sex.
My wife is a perfect example of your question, though. I love her with all my heart and she is my closest friend, but I don't lust for her. But because of the other attributes of our relationship, we are able to have good sex which is fulfilling for her and nearly fulfilling for me.
I understand that "asexuality" is considered another "sexual orientation" by some professionals - simply no desire for sex.
I also know several women who have no desire for sex, at least with their husbands. I'm sure there are several reasons for this, but in one case where I know the details, the Mrs. has worked with people who were sexually abused and prostitutes, so there is a state-of-mind component, but also I don't believe her husband is especially gentle or giving in bed.
My guess is, until some people become sexual, they aren't really lustful, but once they become sexual they begin to want more. Maybe that's like drinking alchohol or something, maybe it's because they don't "know what they are missing."
I'm sure love is possible without sex. A long-term loving relationship without sex is probably possible, it may just take time to find someone of the same "orientation".
I guess another question is, "Are you attracted to some people by their looks, shape, face, eyes, smells, etc?" That is, sexual attraction without desiring sex per se? I do think snuggling is highly underrated, but for most people one thing does tend to lead to another eventually.
Well, those are my rambling thoughts, but I've only had one lover, too, so take it with a grain of salt. 
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I'm sure it's possible for someone to love another person without feeling a wish to have sex. That said however...
We usually wish to be close to the one we love, I mean, reeeally close...  If one part only wished for a platonic relationship, or at least a loving one except without the closeness it wouldn't work for very long I'm sure. The other would feel frustrated, having nowhere to vent his/her "urges"... I guess, either the relationship would crack from the strain, or the frustrated part would resort to infidelity.
If two people feel the same though, then it might well be possible, though finding two such people would probably be a very rare thing. Everything's possible though, we're all so different!
I guess you worry sex isn't for you, but probably it's just the matter of not having found the right object for you to covet. If you don't feel you wish to have sex with any particular person in your vicinity, yet still think about it, perhaps in your day or nightly dreams, or when you see a pretty artist or actor, then you can rest easy. Nothing's wrong with you. You just need to find the one that's right for you.
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Thank you all for helping me to help make a difficult decision that I'm still not completely sure of what to do...I know what the answer is but I don't want to wonder what might have been if I don't give him a chance.
"To the world you may be but one person, but to one person you may be the world!"
"Some people love you and some hate you.. those who hate don't know what they're missing and they're missing out!"
"Never underestimate your power to change yo
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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love is supposed to be a special mutual feeling between two people and therefore i do not think i t is possible to learn to love someone love should come naturally but however it is possible to learn to cope with someone.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I suppose I should be the last person to give advice so please allow me to share a thought...Love,In whatever form it takes,should be unconditional and not depend upon reciprocation.Love and the falling in love is a process that darned few understand,shrouded in mystery.This person does not pretend to understand,but what I do know is that a ton of faith is required..Mix in several hundred pounds of hope and trust.Of course in this kitchen sometimes the monster of fear will stomp in and flatten the cake while its baking..what I need to remember is that someont taught me how to bake the cake in the first place and thats a good thing...rob
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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that it can develope into love as time passes by and in the
beginning its physical attraction and feelings that you just
can't define as love yet?
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Do you think you can learn to love someone? 
Between the Ears vs. Between the Ribs 
Re: I think it would be possible, though probably very difficult. 
Re: Do you think you can learn to love someone? 
