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ch.oo.lo
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Toe is in the water |
Location: Michigan, USA
Registered: August 2003
Messages: 49
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I'm usually one giving advice to people, not receiving. And if, for whatever reason I do get advice from someone, I still end up doing what I wanted or thought I should anyway, but this is different. Maybe not completely different, but I'm really at a loss about what I should do  . Before I tell you the exact problem I should probably tell you about myself first so you don't say "follow your heart" or something to that effect, because that would be pointless.
Ever since I've been 5(ish), I've refused to wear girls clothing. The first time I can remember refusing was when my mom told me I was going to be the flower girl in her friend's wedding. That meant that I had to wear a dress. It also meant that I was about to put up a huge fight. My friend Julie told me it would be "fun", it wasn't. So in an attempt to make me feel better my mom said that she would bring something else for me to wear (the flower girl dress thing was a renaissance type thing, it sucked). What she brought was a plain white dress with a largish red rose in the center. I was SO mad, I think I actually started crying (not in front of people, though). So yeah, that's the first memory I have of not being a 'normal' girl.
From kindergarten to 5th grade I was around the same 30 or so students, so we knew each other pretty well and were off in our own little world. I was the "link" from the boys to the girls when they wanted to ask each other out or tell the other something. I was everybody's friend. I played sports reasonably well and was easily the strongest kid in my class. None of that mattered to me, I just didn't really notice since I'd never known anything different.
During that time I'd been mistaken for a boy over 20 times (although not everytime the person at fault said so). My dad took my brother and I to the mall one day (I think I was in 2nd grade) and we were dressed alike except for the fact that I had a backwards hat on. This lady came up to my dad and commented on how cute his sons were. I don't remember his reaction. Another time was when we went on vacation to Las Vegas and were in Treasure Island on our way to see Cirque du Soleil. On the way to the ticket booth, you have to go down an escalator and there's a screen up above with a pirate which greets you. The pirate said something directed to my dad about the 'boys' having a good time at the show. I don't remember too many other occasions of this happening while I still lived in NY, but I'm sure it must have.
The summer after 5th grade, we moved to Michigan. My dad got a job offer which was much better than his job at the time, so he took it. I had to start at a new school in 6th grade, which wasn't so bad, then we moved again but just to a nearby town. 7th grade was where I got the most comments. I was in pep band and one kid turned around and asked me if I was a girl or a boy and I told him I was a girl. He blushed and said he couldn't tell because I had long hair (it was braided so maybe he couldn't tell) and a number of other people around me then told me that when they first met me they weren't sure of which I was. Then these girls were like "that's so mean!", but I wasn't offended at all. Maybe that was a clue, I dunno.
Now, the girl-boy thing doesn't happen too much, or at least people don't say so. The place I most often get mistaken for a guy is on the phone. Or at least I did, until my brother's voice changed  .
So, now you know my "crossdressing" history (Hah, that sounds funny). Here comes the real problem, at this point in my life I don't wear anything in the girl section. Shoes, shirts, pants, you name it if it's for a girl, I won't wear it (That's not completely true, I have to wear the "essentials", you know what I mean). I'm actually offended when my mom suggests we go into the women's section to find clothes. On numerous occasions she's told me "You aren't a boy!" (once she did that in a store, I was pissed, more because she said it in a store than the fact that she said it). For orchestra the girls are required to wear a long black dress provided by my school, I refuse to wear it. In fact, if I can't think of a way to get around it, I may quit orchestra (despite having a lot of fun there).
The obvious answer would be to just tell my teacher about my "issues", but I don't know her and even if I did, I'd never tell her. Nobody knows about this and telling a near-stranger is not appealing to me at all. I also don't like talking about myself to other people.
There is my dilemma. If you can think of anything that might help just a tiny, little bit, even if you personally think it's insignificant, please just tell me. It'll be really helpful.
If anybody wants to talk to me/ask questions or w/e on AIM, my sn is CJBluebabe12.
If you want to learn more about my personality, look up schizoid personality disorder (or style) that's an extremely accurate description of me.
-Thanks from the One and Only Ch.Oo.Lo for reading this far .
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do you have guidance counselors at your school? or maybe even just another teacher that is outside of the orchestra you can trust?
believe it or not, there was a boy who i was very close with when i was in orchestra/chamber in high school, and it was the opposite. he'd wear skirts at times, not all the time, but on "fancier occasions", and our concerts were considered that. he fought tooth and nail to be able to wear the 'tuxedo top' with a floor length black skirt. he was a cellist.
granted, everyone knew about him -- he never came out until years later, but as many would say, "he didn't have to. he burned that closet down just by walking down the hall." 
you should also know that if you were able to get around this rule (which i think is an absurd rule, so long as you're wearing black, that's all that should matter!), people are going to know, or suspect, or assume or dramatise, or what have you, when they see "the girl who didn't wear the dress like the rest of the girls." are you ready for that? high school can be almost more brutal than the world itself, sometimes.
i hope that bit didn't come across as i don't think you are ready, or anything. i don't mean it to! you seem very headstrong, and very sure. i'm just mostly sorry that people still have to be so "one side or the other" in matters like this. i'm not sure if anything i said helped, but i hope for you, that something works out.
-h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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imagine high school in the 50s.Grosse pointe is a preppy series of cities just outside of detroit,Average income in that period was about 50 thousand a year and most of the kids were as snooty as hell.There was this tom-boy that was pretty good looking her COMBAT boots made her look like a boy and to top it all off,this girl could kick butt.Long story short,we became friends but the path was pretty rocky.One thing this awsome girl had was a sense of self pride and confidence that blazed.This girl held her head high,a heart of gold and was a friend to all..Why am I writing this-Just to say hold on to your dreams and make them happen...rob
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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I know it's really hard going to a grownup cause so many times they have problems of their own and push us away, but if you really want to be in the orchestra, you really should try to talk to someone at school. The teacher would be the place to start because he/she would be the one to let you feel comfortable if it could happen. You could push it but then it would become an "issue" that you prolly don't want opened up.
If they say "NO" then wear jeans under the gacky long dress. You can just smile and enjoy yourself 
{{hugs}}
smith
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Sombody in my family has a story almost exactly like yours. She might not be as far along as you, and I wish I could tell her about this place.
BTW, I live in Michigan too! What a small world it is.
Keep your chin up. Be who you are, it's much more fun and easier than being someone your not.
Much love to you,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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Re: I hate asking for advice but... 
Hi 
