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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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This forum is very important to me and has become part of my daily plan.With all the love and respect I can muster,I have a request to make..As I do not want to be offensive nor arguementive nor combative,I feel strongly that there must come a barrier between Marc and myself.I do not really wish this to happen,But there seems explosive anger between the two of us that SHOULD NOT SPILL ONTO THIS FORUM...I await your advice and WILL ABIDE by your wishes....rob
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Rob,
You know, there is an old saying that says "Differences make good sparks." And whether the author of this saying was refering to electrical charges, chemical reactions in fireworks or just plain human compatability, I am not certain. It does apply to all of those and more, though.
The fact is, anger is a necessary emotion in a relationship, just as affection, anxiety, agape, anodyne, and any number of similarly beginning with "a" words. It is an expression of the boundaries of ones own self, of our values, our personality, our preferances and most importantly or what we will not accept. Anger can be a defining quality, it can even become a destructive quality. But it is a necessary quality.
Now, the question becomes this: is your anger with Marc, or at least his point of view on things, causing you harm? Do you feel that a state of constant feuding between the two of you exists? I wonder if he reciprocates this, if it is true.
I know that you are a thoughtful person, perhaps the thing that might save you from some of these concerns is to realize that Marc is too. And that both of you feel things very deeply. Maybe both of you let the anger overcome your thought at times, instead of blending with it. Perhaps both of you need to consider that a little sugar on your words might be better than flat out vituperation. No one picks up the spitting cobra when they could be picking flowers instead. Even flowers have thorns, but they can be easily worked around with a little effort.
So, and I don't do this often, but my advice to you, and to Marc, should he read this, is to realize that we're all here to help each other through this wearisome, worrisome, wierd sometimes thing called life. That Timmy shouldn't have to be stepping in between you two because the both of you can agree to disagree.
Just think of this when you post: are you acting with conscious thought, or reacting like a blind animal. I find myself having to go through the same mental processes sometimes when I post here, so I know it isn't as easy as it sounds. Believe me, there's been times I wanted to type something just full of wrath and hatred and then read it and thought to myself "Wait a sec. This isn't going to help. It's just going to throw another log on the fire. This isn't part of the solution, it's part of the problem." I've been right up to the point where you click submit and decided to cancel out insted. Sometimes, thinking and feeling you are right, and righteous in your anger, isn't enough to just trade posts and make it worse.
Sometimes you have to just give in a little and understand that you aren't going to change someone else's opinion and they can't change yours. We are all thinking, feeling people here on this message board. A family of sorts. I'd like to think we are a family that doesn't have to run to Papa every time something between us goes wrong. Maybe the differences between you and Marc are too great to work out. I hope not, but I don't know. That's for you and Marc to settle amongst yourselves. But I advise not being forcibly separated, like two little boys in grade school that can't stand to be in the same part of the playground together because they both are so strong willed, so deeply emotional, and so charismatic that they must war for dominance. I personally would hate to see it come to that.
The soap box is creaking from me standing on it too long, I'll end with this brief thought then:
Against the dark we stand, at opposite corners, to opposite hands.
We cannot face for fear of night, neither wrong, neither right.
Yet we are still as fortune claims, necessary to each others names.
And in the binding struggle we unite, brothers and anchors within the light.
I hope you and Marc can find something to agree to. I hope that you don't need to be parted. I hope that somewhere in all of this, perhaps all of us can realize why Timmy set the board up in the first place and keep that in mind. It's about healing, my friends, not harming. Anger is necessary to healing as well, but in doses that spur you into action, not into despair, agony or repression. Let's anchor each other in the light and push the dark back a little more.
Cya,
D'Artagnon
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Any explosive anger between the two of you should be handled in privacy by email, by phone, or in person face to face.
Any differences that cannot be resolved in this way (and it takes real work to handle differences) should be set out privately between the two of you, and, as the gentlemen you each are, should be worked upon in order that you understand each other and why you have those differences, and should be allowed to remain as well understood differences.
Any time you see a post from the other that appears to kindle an explosive flame in you, you should wait and consider that you have the differences that remain. Having considered that and removed it from the equation you should then go ahead and post a decent, well worded reply worthy of a gentleman, and suitable for public display.
If you feel a public fight is unavoidable, and that it cannot be resolved as a gentleman, then withold any opinion silently. That does not imply "losing". Instead it says precisely nothing. At this point go back to the top of this list, and restart private difference resolution.
Now, let us be clear. A well understood difference, well expressed, and phrased with care and politeness has a total place here. With others differing from a view we may also change our views when presented with logic and calmness. We may change other people's views by presenting our own with logic and calmness. That is, in part, what this place is about.
[Updated on: Sat, 06 September 2003 07:36]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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Thanks for the post Art--Btw I simply adore your stories,they are refreshing and bring a lot of joy they are FUN to read.You are absolutely right when you suggested not to complain to Timmy,I suppose things will work out in time.The fact is that the man generates so much anger inside me and I do not wish to return that anguish to this board....rob
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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robert bryce wrote:
> The fact is that the man generates so much anger inside me
Not so. Instead you allow words to generate emotions to control you. Instead you need to control the emotions and work out the inner conflicts.
"the man" generates nothing. All he does is to post what he feels. And like all of us, not always as well thought out as we woudl each wish when we post. The sole person generating anger in one's own mind is one's self. And that is what has to alter, in any and all of us.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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dear rob,
first off let me say it took a real man to stand up and say...i have a problem that i dont know how to deal with, my respect to you for that.
secondly i am deeply touched that you have come to like and respect this mb and its cheers mates enough to want to make a change in the way you deal with some others here. tells me that the IOMFATS bug has taken hold of not only you mind but your spirt also...hugs to you for that.
as for the issue at hand i wish to say but one thing my grand mamma told me when i was just a little tyke.
if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all....(she added).... some people in life will really get your goat and those are people you need to sit back and listen to with your ears open and your mouth shut.
i am not suggestin that you ignore mac or dont read his posts what i am saying is maybe set up your own little rule in your mind and dont react or reply to posts from him if that piss you off so much.
to be totally honest i have applied that rule to you since like the second post you made here...if you look back no matter how many posts you have put up here i have rplyed to none of yours....why?....cause what you say 99% of the time really pisses me off! but that is not your issue or problem to deal with its mine and my emothions that i have to learn to deal with in a controlled and proactive way not reactive way...follow me at all???
i for a long time held out no hope of you settling donw and relaxing here but your post here has proven me wrong, thank you for that
peace
hugs
love
tim...of USA
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I would only add, when you feel angry, wait an hour before you reply.
Also, I agree with Tim of USA (and Timmy). I am proud the you are sharing this with us. My hope is that we can work through this together.
Also, (and I am not good at this either) try not to take things to personally. While Marc can be short, gruff, and to the point, he has a heart of gold.
I am sure that with patience you two will work this out. We will be here to help.
Much love to you,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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No Message Body
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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It seems to me to be very strange that this "advice" cannot be taken.
Perhaps I need to strengthen the word "advice".
This is not advice. It is a mandatory rule.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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With respect an open letter to Timmy 
A letter to reply to a letter 
Re: A letter to reply to a letter 
Some relly good advice.... 
BTW, I was talking about others advice, not my own 
This is not optional 
