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so, here it goes, or comes. raining and pouring, whichever you choose. i'm sufficiently dosed on dramamine (i take it for anxiety; perscription anti-d's scare me), and i think i'm ready to dive into this.
part of it is because a story i'm working on involves some parts of this explanation. no one knows about this story, even the girl who i co-write play-scenes with. at least, not yet. i hadn't touched the story in a short while (one of the character's names is the same as my half of one of her and i's play-scene's, but the character is not the same character -- i just love the name), but i did this morning, and got thinking of it hardcore again. anyways.
i'll forewarn this might be .. graphic? i'll keep it clean as possible, and also try not to get too dramatic. i'm a pisces, it's hard not to be.
i would probably be considered bi-sexual, but the thing of it is, is that i don't really care for sex, for myself, with any gender. i suppose that's a jaded view to have at just 25, but i've been with both, and both sides of the coin have only given me pain. one side gave me a beautiful little girl; probably the only reason why i'm still here.
i've been around and around with myself on this topic: why can't i be sexually happy? is it because of the rapes (a group of boys i was in a band with, at age 14; they were 19. i thought i was chosen for how well i played bass, i found out i was wrong)? is it because i just haven't found "the right one"?
or .. is it because i'm female? i say this because i'm not content with lesbian relationships, the few i've been in. i am with a girl now, long-distance (but we visit), and we love each other deeply, but the relationship lacks all things physical that, after a year, should be there. this situation is ideal for me, and if not for my strong a-sexual stance, or the fact i click with her so well, i'd have left a long time ago. the point is, girl-girl things, after general "petting" points, don't work for me. but straight-sex winds up sending me into panic attacks or boredom, or feeling used, depending on the person i'm with.
i think i should have been born a boy, because what does .. uh, "do it for me", i guess you could say, is anything and everything relating to male/male love and sex. everything in between. it's more than just "a female groupie/advocate for gay males," it's, a lot of times, all i think about. i'm not a "butch" female, in fact it's quite the opposite -- i'm about as feminine as they come, but i have tomboy flares. i street-skate, i've gotten into fights. there's nothing abnormal there.
this is coming out way disjointed, because i've never put this to words before.
my ideal situation would be to live with a gay male couple. because the things i do want, and believe that i need, draw a line before things become sexual. curling up with, cheek and eye-lid kisses, being wrapped up in arms and legs. comfort. all of this without the strings attached; affection that doesn't require having to "do it", and they, obviously, wouldn't expect it of me, would they? they wouldn't even want it. and i, of course, wouldn't want it. i would just want to .. be there in the mix. their girl"friend" that is not a girlfriend. does that make any sense at all? i'd be content for the rest of my life if i could say, "you, or you, or both of you, just be there. comfort me if i'm sad, kiss me if i need it, let me lie in your bed and watch, or just lie in your bed to exist, just sometimes, and in return i'll take care of you. i'll be the middle-girl of your disagreements, i'll help with birthdays and christmas, i'll be a cover if you need it, if you're in a situation where family/employment/whichever wouldn't accept who you are."
is that very selfish of me? i know it seems that way, and it seems unfounded, and unrealistic -- this latter because i'e yet to find that. but i've come to find that would be the only situation i'd be happy in. i've had every kind of relationship under the sun, plus some that can only be found on the dark side of the moon, and in the end none of them have been right.
there is so much else to tell; my sicknesses (one a physical disease that won't ever go away, the other a "mental" one, that affects the physical), my life, my past, my dreams for a future -- i'd die to be an author (short fictions, and there's a novel i've outlined and laid out but haven't begun, involving my character payton angelo). i hadn't started college until last year (disease reasons), and was going to major in english, but the reality is that struggling to publish *anything* for X amount of years before i "make it" isn't going to pay the bills. i don't care about feeding my own mouth, but i do care about feeding my daughter's. so i've enrolled in an EMT course, but it got overfilled and i can't start it until NEXT fall. in the meantime, i'm taking pre-med courses so that when i start the EMT program, it'll be that much easier for me. i'm also sneaking some english courses in there too...
of my family, only my mother knows i'm bisexual; she accepts my GF, but also likes to pretend we're really "just friends." my brother has an idea, but just that. he and i are very, VERY close (we'd be working at the hospital's ER together when i finish school), but it's the one thing he doesn't know. we're all allowed our secrets. and mine is more than just "i like girls," it's ... "i like girls, i like guys only to a point, and if i cannot be a gay male, i want to live with two of them." yeah ... unrealistic.
anyways, that's the jist of it. and even then i can't find the right words to match the velocity of what i mean, and how much this aches inside that it's something i (apparently or so far) cannot have.
thanks for reading this far, if anyone made it, hehe.
-h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Rapes at 14 make being hugged hard, kind of. But you deserve one, and I think coz I am gay I can offer one.
I made it to the end. It wasn't disjointed. It was just you, and a place to start a journey, I think.
I hope I'm right about the journey.
To me gender matters not one jot, nor orientation (whicha varies anyway, as we know). What matters is that people in pain can come and start to share the pain. Putting it into words starts to remove the power the pain once had over us.
Be here as long as oyu need. Go, come back, stay. All are the same. You may make good friends here, you may make no friends at all, and either may be at your choice.
The hug is there, if you would like it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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You are not selfish. You are a human being with needs, wants, desires, and like the rest of us on this planet, confused. I use the word confused but I think it's not the right one. Maybe searching for truth would be a phrase to replace confused.
I offer my hand in friendship, and an ear to listen if you ever need it.
Please know that the struggles you face are as real and valid as anyone else's. We are equal you see. Like Timmy says, we are on a journey each of us. And we will be here through yours.
Hugs, and much Love to you,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I can't think of a single appropriate thing to say...
But I think you need a huge hug.....
Soooooo
((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))
If you need to talk I am on aim im ... my ID is.... Marcv1972c
Anytime....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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when you've spent 10 years burying, hugs get easier .. and hugs from people who are safe are always good. so i'll take, thank you. 
and journey .. that sounds about right. i suppose it's time i have. i'm on another message board for things relating to one of my "issues" that i know WAS bithed by the rapes and a need to be invisible. i haven't gotten far there. i should probably just seek therapy, but my insurance is bad, and i have problems actually speaking. about this, that is.
thanks for making me feel welcome here.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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thanks, kevin. when i'm able, i'll take you up on that.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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No Message Body
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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You are very brave to share and this is a very good place because we all kinda of care alot what happens to people.
I'm sorry about the r***; just try to lock it in that little room in your head where the bad things go and know that it didn't touch your soul.
It's interesting; your wanting to "be with" guys and just have the love and the comfort and the warmth without the heat. My best girlfriend is kinda like that. She's stayed over with me since we were little and we've always slept in my bed or me in hers. We have sleeping bags for the parents to see but we always end up together. She's the only friend who knows who I really am and she always says when I find someone she wants to just come live with us. Hmmmm.....I guess I'll have to find the right guy for that arrangement, huh? The world is a hard place........I guess we just all look for the warmth where we can find it.
{{{hugs}}} smith
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i've reread this about four times now, just sitting and staring at it. you, and your friend ... your friend is so lucky. hopefully YOU can find that someone, and that arrangement could work.
locally, well. i live in a small town. a good friend of mine who came out the year he left high school no longer lives here, otherwise .. maybe. everyone assumed we were together (he was my "cover" for the girl i was with, long story), and we never said anything different.
i would be so happy if ... but sometimes i think that's why it hasn't happened, and probably won't. i must have done something terrible in a former life to have had the one i've had (so far). and hoping and dreaming only carry me so far. i wouldn't think it would be so much to ask, but othertimes i think it is. it's carried over into my story .. and i never even meant it to, it just happened, hehe!
or maybe, that 2 months of forced needles and pain and everything did touch my soul, or touch something it shouldn't have, or tainted something. not everyone in life is meant to have "someone", and probably less are meant to have "someone's", or the situation that is likely the only kind of relationship i'm able to have. time will tell, huh?
(((( )))))
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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:-[
i've realised why it's been so hard to write this story i'm working on. or, why i can only get so far, get frustrated, get angry and ready to hurl my laptop into the wall, and delete everything just to start over again.
it's because it's what i want and can't have, or probably won't ever have. because i started the whole thing on the grounds to write out dreams, so i'd have at least that; something for comfort or solace, a little scenario, an 'if only.'
and it works that way, it does, it *does* help, but then it gets to be too much. these phantom characters dance around the edges of my peripheral vision like end-trails of an acid trip. faces in and out of dreams, when my mind decides to let me remember them. though the character that is "me" in the story is, well, representing me, there are also pieces of me in the other two. so i can work with everything, lay out all the angles and maybe lay some things to rest. unfortunately, it's not that easy. they (ah, the elusive and illustrious "they") say that the best art is birthed from pain.
but it's not art, it's become torture. and yet i can't let go of it this time. i swore i wouldn't delete or tear apart.
it's maddening to stare at a screen in tears, to want to curl up with someone, but that someone doesn't even exist. i didn't want to board-litter by starting a new thread with this ramble, so i just stuck it in here.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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i'm dragging this silly thread back up to keep all my junk in one spot; to not litter the board. it doesn't even have to be read, so much as i just need a place to put it that's not my livejournal .. which has become some intervention warzone. haha. i pay for the thing and have to censor myself there, now.
also, i'm going to keep this as clean/cautious as possible, which isn't hard as i'm used to self-censorship. mostly, i don't want to alarm/scare/trigger people. anyways.
i haven't slept yet. 2 people have IMed asking why i'm up so early on a weekend. i think i lied and said something about watching the rain roll in off lake michigan. really, i haven't gone to sleep yet.
slowly, i'm learning things. timmy called this a journey, and he's right. journey's aren't always pleasant, and the things i'm learning point to truths i've been avoiding. they've been buried too long to touch or fix, i think, and if not, then they'll allow themselves to be touched or relived, and be fixed, when it's time. if it didn't fix, i'd be fine with it. i think i deserve that; i think, also, that parts of me died. but i'm getting there, even if for my own benefit.
i said:
i've been around and around with myself on this topic: why can't i be sexually happy? is it because of the rapes (a group of boys i was in a band with, at age 14; they were 19. i thought i was chosen for how well i played bass, i found out i was wrong)? is it because i just haven't found "the right one"?
i've figured it out. i will never, ever feel safe around straight males. the only straight male i feel safe around is my brother. sure, sure, i can method-act through a relationship, i have before, but after a short-time i have to shut down in order to handle all things physical that are past the point of comfort zone. then i'm left because i'm distant, detached, cold and unemotional -- the complaints women usually have about men, and to hear a man tell me i'm these things is strange ... but it means i succeeded. i drove them away.
my first relationship ever was with a female, i said that somewhere already. but that's not what i need, either. women are freaking annoying to deal with, and i'm allowed to say that because i am one. trust, they play the headgames and the back and forth and the emotional rollercoaster junk on girls as well as they do guys -- if not worse. at current i'm in a pseudo-relationship that depicts this worse. she's a whirlwind of mothfire on wires when we're apart, and driving me sweeetly insane. when we're together, i may as well be on the other side of the world. few relationships have made me feel as worthless as the one i'm in. but i don't leave, because i don't want to be alone. because she has redeeming qualities, and knows things about how i function, that no one else knows. she says her life depends on me, and without me she couldn't breathe. the pressure of that on my shoulders is insurmountable. if i left, and she did something, i couldn't live with myself.
i explain all of these things, because i was recently accused, again (if i had a dollar for everytime...), of being a "little fag-hag groupie." sure, 'faghag' is supposedly, in some circles, an affectionate term. when used by the right people, it can be. but while i fully admit and always will that yes, sexually, i enjoy guy/guy things far beyond anything else, it's more than that. for what it all stems from, it will always be more than that. unfortunately, i can't wear a sign that says all this. people won't, and don't know first hand that as far as males go, i only feel safe, and only ever WILL feel safe, around those who are gay. there, there is no pressure. i could receive a hug, a kiss, without knowing in the back of my mind that "after 2 more times of this he's going to want more. if i don't give it, he'll call me this and that and this, and he might even throw me into a wall." i could cry my eyes out into the curve above his collarbone, and have my temples kissed and be all wrapped up, and not feel obligated to make up for it the next day by sullen stares, or the erection that winds up pressed into my hipbone while i cry.
elsewhere, i feel dirty, i feel unsafe, and most of all i feel nothing. i can play it very, very well. it's become second nature for me to pretend i don't care about it, it's easy for me to pull away from people before i destroy them, but i don't like it. in fact, i can't stand it. but i've grappled for years to change it. i've delt with four seperate therapists, once upon a time, and even they were stumped. with the experiences i've had, i shouldn't "like" or have the "fetishes" that i do, they say. "not all men are unsafe men, heathyr," they say. you know, i know that. but i can't bring myself to know or find them, because then i become the girl i was 10 years ago, scared with screams drowned by nirvana and a haze of needles, and i don't want to know them. i'd rather die alone when i'm 80, than go through the mental mine-field that is trying to find a male who doesn't scare the hell out of me below the surfaces of "i'm fine, of course i love you, of course i want to..."
i can't remember who said it .. smith, i think, about locking it all away, and knowing it didn't touch my soul. for a time, it didn't. but i think it's been locked so long that it's festered, and it's rotted my soul. there's so much of me missing, and then i wonder why i starve. i say fancy things like, "i need to get back to the girl i was, so that i can face her and fix her. to do that i must starve," or the classics of, "i don't deserve -insert whatever here-." i'm a textbook case, i'm sure. maybe not even the only one, but the textbook readers and the textbook writers and the textbook pushers didn't experience what i did; they aren't me. do you know i've never talked about it? it was 7 years before i ever told my mother, and when i did, she stopped me. she couldn't handle hearing it. of course not, she's my mother -- she felt guilty because she's who drove me over there; she picked me up, and she never saw it. they were smart boys. they knew what to do that left no marks. they knew how to capture me without capturing virginity. they knew how to exact fear so i wouldn't speak. they knew my friend cried wolf concerning rape, and that i wouldn't dare be out with it, for fear of being called a liar like her.
my brother gets too angry when i talk about it. my father has no clue. my daughter's father knows, because it was he and my cousin that got me out of that mess. i'd left an anonymous message with subtle hints and nursery rhyme code on a BBS in town here, to find my cousin. within three days i was out of that mess. one of the four is dead now; i won't get into that story here, but i'll tell it/mail it if anyone wants to know just how that played out. the other three still live in town here. i see them sometimes, but i don't think they recognise me now. they, on the other hand, haven't changed.
so, because i don't or can't speak around here, no one knows, and it festers. it's a gaping wound that's left me two ulcers in my time, and could very well be how or why crohn's disease came about, though no one really knows what causes that. it's why i'm so good at being everything for everyone, burying myself in everyone's problems, being everyone's saviour and angel, but never for myself. now, it's nearing the time i have to be for myself, or else i'm going to snap in the worst ways (as if i already almost haven't ... i scared the hell out of danielle and didn't mean to, and still feel bad about that), and i can't do it. i set out intending to, to have a self-sabbatical, and then it gets too hard, too brutal and too painful, and i shell it all back up again. let it fester some more.
so i've typed this out, it's probably been too graphic and i'm sorry for that. if i was able to speak it it would be terrible. if i was able to type freely without fear of putting people off or making them disgusted, annoyed, sickened by me, i would. but i don't want to be a dramahound, i'm dramatic enough as it is. who else takes pictures of themselves crying when she feels like people don't believe her when she has a bad day? christ, i'm hopeless.
enough for now. apologies.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Too many to reply to, so I think I will choose a few to ask about. No need to answer, just to think. Learn the answers for you, not for me.
What if you found a man who simply knew who you are, and had infinite patience? One for whom sex was (of course) important, but was not the be all and end all of his life? What if he helped you to learn that making love was soft and gentle as well as fierce and passionate? If he showed you how he could subsume his desires to meet your needs? What then?
Will you promise yourself to allow someone in if you find you love him? Or her?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I haven't really talked to you before, or said a proper hello, so I'd like to do that first.
Hello! Very happy to meet you!
There's not enough girls here, in my opinion. Very glad to meet you!
I read your post. I made a similar one when I first came here about a year and a half ago. Your ideas about living with a gay couple sounds very nice and sweet I think. I myself am kinda bi, in the sense I find many girls very attractive from a physical point of view, and I would like to hold and cuddle and kiss a girl, even love one if I ever met the right one. That's kind of where the problems start, I'm not sure I'd actually want to have sex with one...
I doubt I can find a girl that would ever want a lengthy sort-of platonic relationship such as the one I know I could handle, if things proceeded far enough I guess I'd balk and then things would crack apart sooner or later and then we'd both get hurt. Thus, I guess I'll never get to try that aspect of my sexuality for real... *sighs*
You put forth a very interesting scenario. I don't know how many guys there are that feel the way I do, but since there's at least me, that should mean you could find another two to live with, and hopefully within a convenient distance too.
From what I have read of your posts - which isn't enough I admit and I will try to remedy that - you seem to be a really nice girl. I also went by your website, and you're really pretty, and your daughter's sweet, and I too like cats.
Take care okies?
Hugs:
-Lenny
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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i've been staring at this post for about an hour almost, trying to figure out a way to answer it. i want to answer it, but...
What if you found a man who simply knew who you are, and had infinite patience? One for whom sex was (of course) important, but was not the be all and end all of his life? What if he helped you to learn that making love was soft and gentle as well as fierce and passionate? If he showed you how he could subsume his desires to meet your needs? What then?
i don't know if this first part exists. sex being even remotely important in a relationship where the other half, in this case me, can't take it, is still going to cause a rift. i know a guy like this. he's friends with a girl who i call my sister, and i met him when i went to visit her in chicago. it was only supposed to be so that i wasn't a third-wheel with her and her fiance, but things burst into the best kind of flames. he danced with me. we swing-danced across the floor, we ballroom danced; we parted the crowd both times. he is, to date, the most sensitive, in-tune-with-femininity guy i know. but he was also highly sexual. that intimidated me, and wound up being why i went out there less and less on the weekends, despite everything else that was there, that had nothing to do with sex. i'm recently faced with the chance to see him again, but i'm scared to. my friend told me that he asked of me when he saw him a couple weekends ago, and all but implored she contact me and give me his new info, etc. i thought, "wow, maybe, just maybe..." until she told me he mentioned sexual things several times, and i immediately closed off.
she's visiting next weekend. i'm scared she's bringing him with her. he had more patience than anyone i've ever been in a relationship with, male or female, but even that went too far. "if you have such a problem, why did you do it?" "if you feel all this other for me, if you this-that-everything, why can't you love me sexually, too?" i can't take that. i don't know if it's male vs. female genetics, or what, but it always comes down to this. desires tapered down to meet my own is fine for awhile, it has been before, but then it's not enough for the guy, and then he cheats just to get whatever's pent-up that i'm unable to relieve, out of his system.
i just can't do it, i can't. alan was probably the best counterpart i've ever had, but i couldn't meet the intensity he wanted, and i know eventually (especially with distance involved, even if it's just 4 hours on a train) he would have gone elsewhere, or left me. so i pushed him away before he could. word has it he's still not totally past it, and has only been with one person since me, five years ago. that .. hurts. i don't mean to hurt people like that, but i can't deal with what is usually okay in the beginning, but if i don't meet this certain timeline and intensity and quota, becomes a problem.
you've given me a lot to think of, the hornet's nest is stirred, if you will. but i think .. i still feel in the core of me that i'm just not meant for it. some people in life are destined to find love, true love, male or female, and some just aren't. they're not built for it. i'm one of those people. :-/
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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hello lenny, it's nice to meet you, yes.
your post has just given me such a rush of hope i could barely even sit still. you said .. you said exactly what i've been trying to say, right here:
and I would like to hold and cuddle and kiss a girl, even love one if I ever met the right one. That's kind of where the problems start, I'm not sure I'd actually want to have sex with one...
that's exactly it. for my past, and my under-core need and submissive sort of nature, the need to be protected is strong. and that's where the dichotomy rests, because generally males are protectors, and females i've been with have not been. on the other hand, i'm terrified of straight males. i know it's unfair of me to lump "them" all into this one (well, four) impression i have, but i do, and that's wrong, but i can't help it.
several 4 A.M.s have gone by in my time where i wish could have been kissed and cuddled and held by a boy, i wish i could love whatever boy that is, but no, i don't want to have sex with one. i have before, and then the nightmares start, my skin feels dirty, i spend hours in the shower scrubbing myself raw and i fast for days, and then i do it again because i feel that i should for this boy. because that's what straight boys want, maybe even need.
it's very reassuring to know that boys like this exist, at least. that i'm not just holding out some empty-ended hope for a "someday" that'll never come. thank you so, so much for your reply.
please take good care of you. (((hugs)))
heathyr
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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i got ahead of myself and forgot to say:
thanks for going to the website, and the compliment ... i have a long way to go before i reach pretty again though, but that made me smile.
i keep meaning to add a link page to put up past essays and flash-fiction. maybe i'll do that today. it wasn't until coming here that i think anyone ever went to the site at all, heh!
thanks.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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All I want you to do is to think. That is why I ask questions. Sometimes the answers will change.
What is it about sex that is challenging for you? I mean today. I don't mean in the days when you found abuse at the hands of the boys when you were too young and they not old enough.
It could be physical: "Those things are not things I like, and sure don;t like them in there"; it could be emotionals "Why must it alwasy end with sex?" [the word "end" is chosen carefully]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Hehe, guys can blush too when they feel flattered, and right now I'm doing just that! Thanks for replying, I appreciate that immensely...
It's funny you say males are protectors, while that IS kind of lumping all of us together, I happened to do one of these silly internet personality tests just a day or so ago and lookie what my result was:
Protector
The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
Spooky, huh? 
I know these tests are a bit silly and don't cover every aspect of a person, but on the inside THIS is pretty much how I actually feel about myself, both the good points and the bad. I want to hold and cuddle my loved ones and make them feel safe, and I am highly idealistic, and I tend to be jealous too in a way, usually of people I see as being better off than myself. I am also deathly afraid of betrayals and let-downs, I do feel it like stabwounds in my heart when people treat me that way, as if pieces are cut out that I'll never be able to grow back. So yes, on the inside I do feel like a protector, but due to my poor confidence I just don't know if I can actually do the job properly. However, I would very much like to try... I could do it, I think, if there was someone who needed me as much as I needed him. Or her, for that matter. Heh, there's this one small problem though, I can't seem to find someone who wants to let me try it with them. *rueful smile*
Anyway, now that you know guys like me actually does exist, you just need to go out and find one or two of your own. Start small. Starting with one is probably the easiest. Then you help him date someone nice and then you all live happily and safely together ever after...
I have written some stuff about myself in an online personals ad and there's a pic too that isn't super-recent I admit, but it's still perhaps my best one. I linked to it a buncha weeks ago before you started posting on the board. Here it is again in case you never saw it: http://www.gaydar.co.uk/lennyvalentin You don't HAVE to click it of course, it's just FYI.
Hm. Now that I think of it, maybe it's time to update that pic...
Hugs:
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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you don't have to reply if you don't want to -- mostly, i'm answering so i have this. silly me is saving all these posts, for some reason..
What is it about sex that is challenging for you? I mean today. I don't mean in the days when you found abuse at the hands of the boys when you were too young and they not old enough.
it's the memory. it's that while sometimes in the past, well the past of one person i mentioned, it's been a whirlwind, it ends bad. it becomes too much. it becomes neccessity to whoever i'm with, when for me it's only something i do to "pay back" what they do for me. or to keep them so i'm no alone.
it's not physical so much anymore - it used to be. now it's only a smidge of physical ... it's that i feel gross and disgusting, dirty. uncomfortable, and all of this physical to a degree. mostly, it's emotional. sex has been, for the most part, nothing but trauma or pain. i realise sex throws roadblocks in any kind of relationship, and has for many people in many different situations. if it was just roadblocks, i could deal, but .. for me it rips up the entire concrete of the road itself.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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"man" sounds .. scary and blunt. "guy" sounds derogatory. i prefer "boy."
i will definitely click your link when i'm done posting, and read and see. as soon as i'm done posting i'm ULing my own site updates, and they'd be ready in about 20 minutes. mostly writing i added.
and .. woah. seriously -- i think if i'd have been born a boy i'd be you. it sounds like you're talking about me. maybe i can find ... gosh, i don't even want to think about it, i'm scared to build up hope too high, i mean ... where do you look? it's not like they make singles bars for people like me, or you. it's hard enough to find someone who won't spurratically rip your guts out, or use you, or hurt you, you know?
i definitely think you could do it, if you tried. you'd make a wonderful protector, regardless of what you think. you're compassionate enough, you understand how people work. you realise they're fragile, and you also understand that even rock-like protectors are allowed to, and need to be, fragile themselves. it's uncomfortable, after all, to lean on a rock unless it has some soft spots.
i would have such unimaginable fun hooking up a boy like that with a boy, if he needed that, or anyone he needed. i'd do anything; i'd stop time and steal the stars if it meant i'd be safe, and loved plutonically, unconditionally, but could curl up and sleep with him if i needed.
(of course, i'd stay out of his hair if he wanted to bring someone home...
)
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Who ripped the road up?
You use many descruiptive words about relationships, all of which seem to make sex per se the major obstacle. What if it were not an obstacle? I mean use serious imagination to pretend it is not. What then?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Boy is such a sweet word, but guy is fine too, at least with with me. If you wanna get on my good side though, calling me "boy" would definitely do that, LOL! By the way, I changed the pic a few hours ago, depending on when you saw it it may or may not be the new one.
If you look in the messageboard irregulars page, you'll see what I looked like at age seven... By the way, is that link here somewhere? I can't seem to find it anymore.
And yes, I know your dilemma about finding someone nice. I've been on three dates sum total in my life and they were all total disasters. One guy just wanted sex, I tried talking to him and it wasn't flowing naturally, I wanted to get to know him and then he suggested we'd 'do' something. Then he added we should get naked (we were at his place and he started to pull the curtains together etc), and that's when I kinda freaked and I ended up leaving a little while later after some unsatisfactory kissing. I felt like I had to wash my face right away (and it was the first thing I did after coming home), yuk it was so disgusting.
Second time I wrote this huge post about a while back, it was with this mega-handsome and cute, short and sweet 23y/o Indian guy with really nice eyes (which I am SUCH a sucker for, both eyes and short guys actually), but he didn't like me, or not like me in THAT way at least. 
Third time was with this self-centered a-hole who seemed interested in little else apart from me myself and I, he invited his neighbor and a mutual friend between the two of them to our table at the restaurant and spent more time talking to them than he did to me! It was awful.
So yeah, how DO we find someone to love? I wish I knew! I feel such a deep-rooted NEED to hold someone, just hold for a long good while, and then smooch some, and perhaps fondle a bit. But mostly hold reeally reeally close... Omg, that would be so nice!
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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sorry, i over-elaborate, i know.
the road was torn up by them. the boys that did it, the three that still live a few miles away. if sex were not an issue or an obstacle, it's the simple matter that i don't trust straight males. i don't feel very safe.
see, no. that's crap because i'm unable to fully imagine sex not being an obstacle. it never is in the beginning. but i'll give it some thought, thanks.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Think that one through with great care
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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when i looked, there were the two pictures of you at seven (ohh, those were adorable!), and then the one of you by a subway station of sorts? i liked it muchly, and can go back and look again if that's the one you changed from.
i'm so, so sorry that your dates turned out so terrible. i know that i barely know you, but from the impressions i get here, i can say without any doubt that you do NOT deserve that. i can't imagine why people would be so nasty to ANYONE, least of all you.
trust me .. i understand your deep-rooted need. i feel it every day of my life. itched for it when i was in NY visiting the GF, but it never happened. i probably could have initiated, but i was so shocked and offput by her total indifference to that sort of thing that i shelled up. such is life. that's what hope's for, right?
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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dance to remember, dance to forget.
you remember the start of this thread, i said that i take dramamine (1/2 the recommended dose) for anxiety, since i'm scared of anti-depressants?
guess what i'm being put on? guess what message was sitting on my machine when i got back from taking shi to school?
my doctor wants to put me on effexor. EFFEXOR. whose #1 key side effect is ... not a good one; not for someone who pretends to recover from an ED. i'm trying to call him back and ask if there's anything else, but he said "given your career option, you need as little anxiety in your system as possible..." even though i've fore-gone emergency-room tech to be a hospital vampire instead.
oh well. he's the doc, right? and it means he can't yell at me for eating habits, should the side effects roll that way.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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discontent: or, why i'm here. 
Your Journey 
Hi Girl! 
Wow! She called me a boy! 
and who can repave that road? 
"boy" it is. 
