|
|
|
|
Hi everyone, I was pleased when Timmy sent me an email telling me that he posted two of my poems. Well, they are songs actually that I wrote.
¨Time to get over you¨ is a slow blues about addiction I had on a guy, his name was Carl. I got hurt big time, the pain started to heal when I wrote the song.
¨The gentleman from a foreign country¨ is a about love towards Talgat, a sweet Russian I met on a message board, we got online at night and I fell in love with him. He loves poems and I wrote one for him. I still love Talgat, always will, wherever he is.
Blake's my boy.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
smith
|
 |
On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
|
|
|
Thanks for putting them up. The "no expectations" lines.....yeah, no expectations, not so much hurt.
smith 
ps....I love the little birds flying..way cool.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
My name is Stephen, and I’m an addict.
I was born on a warm summer Saturday night at ten o’clock sharp in 1961. As soon as my parents left the hospital, we were heading straight off to a place I always loved. A place by the lake surrounded by mountains. My grandfather built 10 shacks in front of the lake, so that a big part of the family were all together. The place is St-Jovite, Qc. Near the Mont-Tremblant ski resort. I was the baby of a family of five children.
The first born died at age 12 in 1957, she died on the operating table due to heart failure. On that same year, my brother, who happens to be autistic, was 17 months and fell into convulsion four times during the same day. He never spoke again. He’s been institutionalized ever since. Also on that same year, my grandfather became half paralyzed. That leaves me with two sisters, one was 14 and the other was 8 when I was born. I grew up with my parents, sisters, cousins, uncles, and aunts. I was spoiled by my parents, I could almost have anything I wanted, even getting away with murder, sort to speak. My father was in a family business my grandfather built, in a race-track called Blue Bonnets, in Montreal.
At age 5, we moved to the city of Montreal. My mother wasn’t crazy about living too close to my father’s family. The ¨In-laws¨ were always treated as second class citizens by my grandparents. My mother was fed-up and asked my father to move away. As a child, I couldn’t understand the idea of leaving the country for the city. I always hated the city. I missed my cousins, and worst of all, I began school. I wasn’t use to strangers. Needless to say, I hated school as well, and that’s when my nightmare began.
I always felt different somehow, don’t ask me how but always did. At home, I was always too young for my sister’s conversations. They often spoke in English so I couldn’t understand until they realized that at one point I understood.
In 1966, my older sister married an Italian (Calabrese), and the ¨new couple¨ took me around when they went out. I was like their child. My brother-in-law’s family was like mine. I learned the Italian way to say uncle and aunt as ¨Ti¨ short for Tia and Tio, the Calabreses don't use the A nor the O. My brother-in-law’s parents were Big Nana (his father) and Small Nana (his mother). Nana is pronounced Nunnuh. Nana Cheech (Franki) and Nana Teresa pronounced Térrèss happens to be Small Nana's parents who immigrated from Calabria, Italy. Big Nana's parents were Nana Romeo pronounced Romè and Nona Ida pronounced Nonah Eedah who immigrated from Rome. I feel like I'm teaching Italian here, LOL.
In third grade, my mother sent me to English school. I loved English school, the majority were Italians, so I felt close to home. My other sister was dating an Irishman. My relationship to that man wasn’t the same as for my other brother-in-law.
In 1974, high school began. I was very much involved in the radio station the school had, and the dance committee. I hated math, but loved language art. Outside school, I never got involved with anybody. I never gave my phone number to anyone. When classes were over, so was ¨that¨ world for me. I got home to escape with books, television and music. When I masturbated, I was thinking of boys instead of girls, but didn’t pay much attention to it, nor the meaning of it.
One day in the shower, in gym class, the others noticed my erection, I got excited to see other guys naked, so that’s when my reputation of a ¨Fag¨ started. I always dreaded that word. I became withdrawn and the thought of suicide were often present. My mother was taking ¨Equanil¨ to sleep each night. I took some from her big bottle weekly to escape. Sleeping was a way for me to escape.
In 1976, my father passed away from a blood vessels blocked in the brain. I was 14. My mother had access denied from ¨the family business¨, so she had to get a job, she began working at Sears. My other sister married the Irishman in 1978. On that same year, I had an evening job selling junk-food in a hospital, this way I didn’t have the need to ask my mother for money.
In 1980, I graduated from high school, and started working at the post office as a letter carrier. I was 19. I began smoking joints on the same year. I rented a summer house in my home town in 1983. My family acted as if it was theirs, and it was normal for me, until I realized that they took too much advantage of it. At that point I became ¨no more Mr. Nice Guy¨. I discovered cocaine in 1984, that same year, I got off of my shell thanks to a human relation course (Dale Carnegie type of course). 1984 was a special year for me, I fell in love with a girl who broke my heart three weeks later, got involved with a married woman, had side homosexual encounters. I was dating this married woman who was getting a divorce. I got evicted from the summer house, since the husband was part of the landlord's family. I was considered a male version of Abby Fairgate Ewing, you know, the bitch in Knots Landing.
In 1985, my younger sister got separated and sold her house to me, as long as I let her stay in the basement bachelor. My mother was against it, saying that family living too close wasn’t a good deal. She was right. My girlfriend and her two daughters lived in with me in my new house. At that time, I stopped using for our family value. I’ll skip the details of the ¨break-off¨ between my girlfriend and I. When she left, I was dancing at R&R, a strip club for gay men, to make ends meet. I used it for drugs and booze. I was also the club’s slut. Thank God that protection was always a main tool for me. I gave up dancing for a look-alike troupe. We were like real time stars, going around in limousines and stuff. At that time, I allowed a look-alike to be my room mate, so I rented a room to him.
In 1990, I was more involved with suicide thoughts. One Saturday night, in my room, I had sniffed 4 bags and swallowed a whole bottle of wine and a half bottle of aspirins. I was rushed in emergency. The following Monday, I attended my first NA meeting. A guy at work told me about Narcotics Anonymous, knowing what I was going through. It is said that it takes an addict to know and help another addict. I’ll always be thankful for this wonderful person. My clean time is February 2nd 1990. I didn’t have a drop or drug since. My first clean year, I learned to sit and listen at a meeting. I got a sponsor and began working my steps. I’m a slow learner and my sponsor kept on telling me that recovery is a process.
On my 7th year clean, my mother passed away, and that’s when I began to open up. Ellen Degeneres came out on that year, I decided to do the same with two friends of mine. I also learned about affective dependencies when I met Carl. That’s when I wrote ¨Time To Get Over You.¨
Today, I enjoy life and I’m well aware that even if I’m not using, the world keeps on turning. I still have bills to pay, I still have to eat. I treat others the same way I want to be treated. I’m still not out to my family, neither at work. I’ll just give them time to figure it out. I’m not the type to go into details with my sexuality. I love myself today. I love life, even with shortcomings. I rarely feel this spiritual awakening, but when it’s there, I feel it. Most of the time when I get spirit awakening is when I know that I’m where I need to be on a particular time. Today, I won’t ever trade the best day of my active addiction with a worst day of recovery, because I feel and deal with life as I’m suppose to. Life is short and I enjoy life every second as if it would be my last day. I believe in a Higher Power, he’s there for me and I feel it. I know I’m never alone again.
My name is Stephen and I’m a grateful recovering addict.
Blake's my boy.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
your story with us, steve. i can't speak for anyone else, but i'm very grateful you were willing to share that here. i can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to have gone through everything you have, and find your recovery an inspiration.
keep loving life, and loving yourself, too.
((((())))
heathyr
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
marc
|
 |
Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
|
|
|
We've been down many the same road.
It's good you were able to clean up and better still you were able to stay that way.
It is good to be able to lend inspiration.
If you would like to chat I am on AIM my ID is Marcv1972c
Any time
Marc.....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
 |
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
if that's allowed
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
of course it is allowed 
Blake's my boy.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
smith
|
|
On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
|
|
|
I'm smith. Thank you for sharing pieces of your life. I've been down one of your roads enough to know how hard you've worked to feel so at peace with yourself. I'm very glad to make your acquaintance.
Smiles & Sunshine
{{{{hugs}}}}
smith J
ps.......Blake...he made it through the rain
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
smith honey, I think you love Queer as Folk, come and join us, check my profile.
Blake's my boy.
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
Very Cool Lyrics 
Hiya Stephen :> 
