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or the fact that they do more than their job, when, if they just did their job, it would be a much better system.
it was just supposed to be the usual female-physical. little talk session, and then the "eh, icky" stuff. usually the little talk sessions don't last very long because i don't talk. well, today i did. i read up on effexor most of last night and decided it wouldn't be so bad. thought, destructively, it would aid in my never-ending quest to become invisible and breakable again.
it was a woman doctor today -- my usual doctor was out, and this practioner usually handles the physicals at his office. we got to talking, we got to talking about stress, my stomach disease, the surgery, how i've been doing, that i should quit smoking, etc. and then i said, "so you wanted me on effexor, then?" and she says, "well, you know it causes weight gain, right?" and i stared at her a moment, lifted my chin and said, "i know that's not true." and she says, "so tell me again ... why did you suddenly change your mind about getting put on it?" and i said something about realising that it's okay to get happiness and stress-free-ness out of a pill, i guess, or maybe i won't be a zombie on it forever. and she laughed a bit and said, "i know that's not true. quite frankly, with your history of eating habits and disorder, i won't allow you on this medication."
so i'm being put on wellbutrin SR for depression/axiety, as well as to quit smoking. yet i told her since i have crappy state/gov't insurance, the wellbutrin won't be covered, and she has to put me on something else if i must go on some pill. she said, "if prescribed for anything BUT anti-smoking, it should be covered."
i have never .. ever been so angry and frustrated. i have never seen this woman before, and she outsmarted me. it usually doesn't run that way with doctors and i. no one ... NO ONE tells me what to do with me. i decide that. she also recommended i seek therapy, perhaps at a rape crisis center, and i hit the $R#)(* ceiling at that one. i said it's only a crisis when it just happened, it's not a crisis anymore, it's a $(*#$* thorn in my side, and i can ignore it if need be. then she brings up post traumatic stress syndrome??! i thought they were there to ASSIST and HELP a person, the medical field. i walked out of there feeling MORE messed up and freakish and insane than i did when i walked in. maybe this is why i lose friends so easily, why i scare people off, why i'm a ghost in people's lives. because there's all this crap wrong with me. eating disorder. PTSS/supressed memoryies. anxiety. depression. no one wants a crazy, screwed up person for a friend, let alone more. yeah.
on a side note i found out that i'm not, in fact, 5'9". i always thought that i was, but i found out that i'm 5'7.5" which .. might be a bit off, because when she brought the thing down onto my head, it slipped and bonked me, and my knees bent. so maybe i'm 5'8"? i don't know. i don't care because either way, it means my BMI is off and is therefore higher than i thought, since i'm shorter than i thought. as if i needed that, too!
sorry this has nothing to do with board-related topics. in a way it does though. everything i am now has been born of what happened when i was 14: everything i was before that, or could have been, died a slow, 2-month long death. i wonder what that little practioner would have done if i told her the things i mention here, what i know to be the thing that would make me happy, love-wise. love smoothes everything out, even the most hopeless cases. for everything i'm ranting about here, i at least know that much. we have to make for ourselves first, we cannot hinge our happiness on the presence of another, but it's a lot easier to walk with someone else, than it is to walk alone. it's just i have to get rid of some of this baggage, first. and i'm working on that, i am. i'm not always so gloomy. :-[ :-/
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Don't be sorry. It is a board related topic the second you post it.
And for anyone else out there, if you feel strongly about a subject, talk about it. Remember, if it is important to you (that goes for all of you out there) then it is an important topic because you are important. You have value.
We should all feel free to talk about how we feel. Others may learn something for that, and if not, no harm done.
Thanks for sharing girl.
Much love to you,
Kevin:-D
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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