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in a few days, maybe three or four, i don't think i'm going to be "me" anymore. i know that, reasonably and logically, i need to be on this medication. the fact that my head gasket on my car is going to blow shouldn't make me cry on the bathroom floor with my head in my hands, scaring the hell out of my little girl.
(if that happens to my car, my father offered to pay half. the problem is i won't have my half for one more month yet.)
afterward, she gave me her "grumpy bear" (care bear) and i said, "but i'm not grumpy." and she said, "pretend it's not grumpy and it's just sad. i bet if you cuddle it you'll be happy and you can write again." (because somehow, the shift went from my inability to care properly for a car to the fact i've been unable to write either story i'm working on for almost 3 days.) i kissed her little pixie-elf face and said she's the best. she said, "i try." just like i say, sometimes...
so i started lexapro as of last night, and 2 hours after taking it i felt bizzare. i realise it takes a few weeks for the body to regulate itself to such kinds of medications, but it's a bit alarming. i was numb and also giddy, distant but eerily right there in the moment. i've been ecstatically happy with the email correspondence between alan and i, and the phone-call. i pose unreal scenario's to him; "what would you do if" and he always answers without hesitation the exact things i always say "no one would ever..." ahahaha ... *executes classic Mr. Burns pose* eeeeeexcellent. perhaps i can nudge him into having a boyfriend! i'm kidding.
anyway this is just kind of a head's up. i'm reading everything that's going on here, and i hvae a lot i want to say about it, but i don't want to add fuel, and part of me isn't even sure, wholly, what's going on. i've been doing a lot of reaching but no one's reaching back. i guess i should just start keeping my arms out to those i know are fine with reaching back. i'm the only one i know who continually skins her knees up trying to reach and communicate and be there for people who are just flat out not interested in my correspondence or words, or friendship. it scream martyr, but i'm not. no one likes a martyr. i just think i try too hard, and should quit that. quit that! *slaps wrists* ehehe. ergh.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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There as a little story entitled FOOTSTEPS...Girl you are in all our hearts 24/7...Just keep the speed under 35 and you can nurse that car for another month.Keep the oil changed and fresh...Believe it or not,the engine oil does a more important job of keeping things cool then the water.The oil brings the heat from the friction surfaces to the engine block that is cooled by the water...A higher octane as fuel burns at a lower temperature but that gasoline is higher priced but that higher priced gas will keep that engine a bit cooler...Cylinder head gaskets are destroyed by excessive heat and high cylinder exhaust pressure....Keep the speed down and that car will last.Tire pressure is another thing to consider,the proper pressure will take some of the load off the engine......Hugs are important and you gots lots of them here and this ol geezer loves your posts..Your struggle has touched my heart as it has touched others....Go girl go and make this a better place.......rob
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thanks rob -- for both the tidbits on car maintenance and your hugs and input. i appreciate that. 
they're supposed to call me back with an estimate on the car; i just had the transmission done as of yesterday, i don't get why they didn't just keep it there since it had to be fixed "as soon as possible.." they said they left an estimate in my car, but it was not there when i got it last night. someone else said to hope it was the "top" of the gasket, as that's usually easier/cheaper to fix. i'm hoping this is a recent discovery, so that would mean it's not been ongoing/more damage done. i had my car in 6 months ago for this chirping problem (alternator) and they didn't notice it then, either. i've had this car for about 4 years, and it's almost paid off. so it would figure it's starting to break down! but it shouldn't, it's a good car (chevy cavalier, 1995) and has been mostly problem free.
thanks for your positive words rob. the efforts you've made to reach out, not just to me but everyone, is wonderful. building bridges is good, because should you ever fall or break then, you have a place to run to, and people who will be willing to catch you.
smile or make a goofy face for me,
heathyr
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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I never asked,but what part of the excellent state of Michigan are you from?I was born in Grosse Pointe,Moved to Algonac on the St.Clair river.Did a bunch of dirt track car racing and Allison powered power boat racing..Had a reputation as the mad bomber of Algonac and a general hell-raiser.Highschool saw me putting rocket engines on boats and playing daredevil..Those were the days when you got your friends,found an oak tree with a strong branch and chain lifted that engine out of the car and pissed my father off by getting a ton of oil on the driveway.Engine parts all over the place..Mom pitched a fit when she found two cylinder heads on top of my bed.Tons of boys all over the place.I guess my folks were trying to make it up to me for trashing my boyfriend--he took his life.....rob
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Hehe, cool to be able to finally be able to pin a name to "Mr. Right" (or hopefully so anyway!)
Very happy for you about that! *hugs tight*
Anyway, don't worry TOO much about crying over a gasket, if you're strapped for cash I guess it's a quite normal reaction to become upset over such a thing. Most things car related are rather expensive after all unless one happens to know some mecanics who work at a car garage or such and can abuse that friendship for a bit.
Sorry about the (continued) lack of email communication. People here who know me know about this aspect of me as well. It's not really that I'm LAZY (though I often get into my head I am), it's that I'm very easily distracted, especially when I have lots of stuff to do (like when re-installing a computer and stuff so I have to set things up just the way I like it and install tons of programs and such).
I tend to write a lot when I write. Gosh darnit, just look at my stories for proof of that...!  Hence, when I write emails they tend to get big, and when I have several big emails waiting to get written (as I do now), I tend to say, 'I'll get right to it but first I gotta do THIS...!', and if that thing gets interrupted for whatever reason (which frequently happens), I postpone the emailing too. Sorry about that, as it's frequently heard under other circumstances: it's not you, it's me.
Anyway, your daughter seems to be such an angel. She must take it from her mother! 
I'm glad you have her, and I'm glad there's a boy in your life who seems to like you and care for you a great deal.
Thanks for being here, and for posting about your life...
Sincerely:
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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rob -- hugs first, for the loss of your boyfriend. sometimes time passage never really soothes that, but i hope you've found some comfort, somehow.
your highschool years sound like they were fun in other aspects, though.
i live in muskegon (where no one else seems to, ehehe), right on lake michigan, about 3/4 of a mile from. there's a smaller lake right across the street from me -- man-made, it's not quite the same. we have a family of deer that live in the woods there, except they keep cutting the woods back. a neighbor and i take turns feeding the doe and fawns, while the buck is away; we will through the winter.
just a small town, but it's getting bigger every year...
h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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but which one i shant say, hehe!
maybe he'll be the right one, he fits what i've looked for, even the seemingly impossible aspects. we are trying to take it slow, i may visit chicago in the fall, but he's talking of trying to make it up here sooner, hmm. what will i do.
please don't worry about the mails -- i know you're busy, especially with the computer mumbo-jumbo's.
though the boy might only be temporary (i've somehow still been unable to shake the notion and resolution that i'm only meant to love for so long, and then it fades. like seasons..), shiloh hopefully is not. she *is* an angel; she's my little elf and she's amazing. today she forgot her library books to return, and i had to run to the school to drop them off. she's still at the age that she's not embarrassed to hug and kiss me goodbye in front of her friends; in fact, it was her idea, as i tried to back off from her. it's very strange to be The Parent that the kids stare at, or wonder about. i'm so much younger than The Other Parents -- most of them don't like me for that. sometimes i want to say, "hey, when our kids are thirteen, it'll be MY house they run to, or prefer, because you're such a tight-ass." but you know, i can't say that.  i certainly think it often.
the gasket: it's going to be 800 dollars. so 400 of the 1800 i get at the end of october goes to that, leaving me a bit strapped (as this 1800 has to last me for bills and Things until january, when the next loan installment arrives) for things like x-mas gifts and the fact that i HAVE TO buy QAF season 2, as well as a leather coat akin to brian kinney's (those are going to be my x-mas things to myself, i rather get it myself and then receive money from the parents, rather than make them buy me things they think are lame). also i need to dye my hair ... i realise these are not Necessities, but i never get to treat myself to anything, so you know.
it will take them a week to fix my car; it goes on october 3. in the meantime i will be driving this frightening ford tempo that is sky blue, and has political russian stickers all over the back (my grandmother is/was a scary woman..) i don't know what's worse: those, or my offensive pro-choice and evolution/darwinism, pagan star and rainbow sticker on my current car.
i hope you're good today, lenny. if not, take kevin's thread-lead and think of the last three times you smiled, and i bet you'll feel better. *smootch*
-heathyr
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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yea all the good people either live in mich or come from there..It seems that you have found a piece of heaven where you live..believe it or not I even had a couple of horses..The black I named snotty..The white,well she was a girl horse and I wont tell you her name..Really tells a lot about my sense of humor..hehehe....Ten acres of grass to cut and landscape kept me pretty busy...I love your deer--what a wonderful gift to have the trust of GODS creatures.You never say a unkind word.That has my respect..You do not cry nor gnash your teeth,you give of yourself here in this place...Girl you fix things and make them better for all.You do not speak of hate or hurt.You speak of love and healing and that is a good thing...rob
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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one last piece of advice if you will,before they pull the cylinder head off the engine,make damned sure you specifically ask about cylinder head warpage and what that might cost and get that in writing..800 bucks for a head gasket job is pretty steep..Chilton and Masters suggests around 600 for your car and another 100 to machine a warped head...I just got off a web search for your area and a used engine costs about 500 so you got options..Dont get mad at this,but take a guy friend with you on this....rob
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oh, rest assured i've cried plenty, especially since coming here, and letting things out. sometimes tears are theraputic, i suppose...
i've had my share of mean and horrid moments, too. but i try to keep that in check as much as i can, and hope i've kept that away from here.
also, because i read your post just before this one, about the car things: i jotted down what you said about the gasket/cylinder head. and not mad at all! my dad is actually who is handling it. we DID find cheaper places, however he trusts this guy who is working on my car, and i guess he wants it to go there, and dad's word is the final word, unfortunately, in matters of my vehicle. but i'm definitely going to show him this note and make sure he's asking about that, if i don't get a chance when i drop the car off.
thank you for your kind words!
h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Hey girl... as I said a couple of days ago, I am kind of a newby here yet... (oh, and thanks for the wonderful welcome you handed me!!).
Even tho you have lots going on, it will be very cool if you just ride it out. The car will be ok... and will go as car repairs go. Fix it, pay for it, drive it, fix it again, drive it more... LOL !!!
I love what you said about your little pixie daughter. It is really cool being a young parent. (I have 3 kids from my former life, myself). My daughter tells me her friends think I am way cool as a parent. And it is my kids telling me to turn the radio down in the car (Let's face it... 'Boys of Summer' by the Ataris is kick ass awesome !!!!! Gotta turn it up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I love being the parent the kids can talk to. I am there for my kids, and their friends, too. So just hang in there. Keep your heart pure in love for all... and your life will be great. Just keep loving that little girl, and be cool and open to them and your life will be so full !!!!!!!
Thanks again for the welcome girl... and hold your head up high... and if you can't, then let us here help you... You are loved. I can see that from all the great things everyone is telling you...
Peace
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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this was the nicest post, thank you bam!
you are already awesome, i can tell, because I LOVE THE ATARIS!!!! usually i kind of shy away from remakes of songs, but they did FABULOUS on their remake of "boys of summer." hell, i turn it up, too! you sound like a great parent; i really hope that when shi gets older, that both her friends AND her will still like me. which means i hope she won't be the kind of teenager *i* was...
other than my life goals of moving to toronto one day, and being the best vampire (phlebotomist) ever, to the point no one can feel me stick them with a needle, it's also my goal to build a car that NEVER EVER breaks down. hehehe!
this place is absolutely wonderful... i hope you find it as welcoming as i did. 
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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hey, thanks girl.....
I find it really fun being a dad. I started early, and always said it would be the most fun growing up with my kids... problem is, I think they are passing me up in that department sometimes...
And by the way, as far as not being yourself... don't worry... I was on some of the same stuff for a while, and the only thing it did was help me to not really give a damn about much... and I slept better cuz I didn't give a damn about anything.... much...
Got off of em after about 7 mos. and I am fine... just do it like the doc says and not like 'girl' says....
Be careful, love life and be loved girl...
You are loved here.... ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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i want to reply a bit more, but at the moment i'm having one of those "moments" ... aka zombie. i sure hope the doctors know what they're doing...
i try to take it a bit later at night so it doesn't hit so fast, but i find by early evening i'm "needing" to take it, or wanting to.
i had a crisis today that i handled okay though -- an EMT spot opened up, and it opened up TEN MINUTES after i changed my major to phlebotomy. i could have taken it, but decided to stick with the needle-vamping. i don't think i could handle the stress of an emergency room, after all.
it's okay to feel like your kids have "passed you". for some reason, i think that keeps us as parents "humbled" you know? but not TOO much to let them walk all over us ... my daughter is 8 and sometimes i think she's more mature/beyond me, heh!
well, maybe this wasn't so short after all, hehe. see you around, and thank you for such a kind post. i think you'll find that people will love you here, too.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Hey Girl....
Thanks for writing back so soon !!!! You make me feel so important !!!!!
As far as feeling important, I have only really written to you and smith... and I actually started writing to him a couple of months ago.. (re: JHS... awesome story by the way...) He encouraged me to write here and become friends with everyone...
I have to laugh about what you say about the kids.... my daughter and son both yelled at me this afternoon to turn down the radio cuz I had it really cranked (Hey, can I help it I love to hear 'No one Knows' and 'Boys of Summer' and 'Clocks' and .........LOL)
As far as the meds... just keep your self goin girl... and stay with the doc... let him know how you feel and all that... and just know that I care.... I want you and your world to be all better. Both for you and your baby....
By the way, did u know you, Kevin and I are neighbors????? You 2 in Michigan, me in Wisconsin.... go figure !!!!!!
I hope you are doing better. Please do better !!!!!!!!!! I am behind you all the way.
Bam...:-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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yeah, actually i did notice that. one day we should all get together. i keep threatening kevin with a trip eastward in the fall ...
i will try to stick with the meds. really i don't like them at all. sure, i'm not stressed, but i also feel not much of anything ... else, either.
sometimes i get lucky and the music i blast, shiloh likes. unfortunately she likes a little world of music i can't stand, but i refuse to say she can't listen to it (britney, christina, etc). i hated when my mother did that. and maybe one day she'll grow to appreciate silverchair and dave matthews, and the cure and the smiths, and maybe even some punk if i'm lucky. she DOES love coldplay though...
 )
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Girl, don't you just love this MB????? I think this is so wonderful being able to talk this way... yet because of the time delay, sometimes it is great because one has to think a little longer before they speak.
Like I said... I am with ya girl... it will get better....
Bam
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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i have the RSS feed thingie, so i'm able to be all super-fast-reply-girl when i'm actually at a point where i can see, or pay attention to, the little tray icon.
also the later at night it gets, the more i have a penchant for run-on sentences... ::-) )
h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Heather,
I swear.. as little as I really know you, you must be the most caring, friendly and loving girl on the planet...
Thank you for gracing us all with your presence !!!!!!!!!!!
Bam
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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a little bit alarming... 
Re: a little bit alarming... 
Oooo! Alan, is it eh? 
Re: that it is, with the last name of a popular beer... 
