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How does one forgive after being hurt and mangled by the words and actions of others?
I have read that forgiveness, even of something that seems unforgivable, is something you do for your own sake, lest you be bogged down in negativity which impacts your own life badly.
In other words, according to that view, forgiving somebody or something is a proactive decision you make to benefit yourself...it has little or nothing to do with making the "forgiv-ee" feel any better.
That point of view might help some people forgive and move on here after the most recent difficult times.
But...
Sometimes people cannot forgive and move on in a positive manner as readily or as quickly as others would hope. Everybody should be allowed to heal in their own time and fashion. Being "told" to "let go" of something and move on is not a suggestion that anyone can force upon themselves until the time is right within themselves, despite their good intentions and hopes that things be behind them as soon as possible.
It is also certainly not something that can be forced upon anybody else by those who did the hurting!
Not being allowed to openly and freely process their remaining hurt and pain in the midst of supportive friends and family only purlongs the pain and hurt.
Another issue: sometimes, people should not be encouraged to forgive and forget while there is still the possibility of more hurt and pain being inflicted upon them. It would be inadvisable to remove one's self-protective armour whilst the dangerous forces are still on the field (to use a battlefield anology).
People find it hard to forgive in the best of times. Until trust is built again that the hurt will not be repeated, or until the source of the hurt is gone, forgiveness, letting go, and moving on may be impossible.
And so people may need to continue walking on eggshells here for quite some time, I think. Some may not be able to forgive and let go for quite some time. That's the result of human nature and our natural reaction against pain to try to protect oneself against it in the future.
Unfortunately, some people may need to leave here for self-protective reasons, having to do with distancing themselves from potentially toxic people or situations for their own well-being. That's not what Timmy wants, it's not what anybody wants.
But if it happens, I hope that the folks remaining will not think or speak badly of those who had to leave. Because it wouldn't ever be that they were just being selfish or petty.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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I agree with you whole heartedly. You words are an inspiration.
Love and Happiness to you (and Man),
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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Two very good friends of mine have given me advice about how to deal with the situation. Without going into detail, I am going to take their advice as best I can.
Much Love to both of you, since I am sure you know who you are. ::-)
I am also going to try to take Davids words and use them as I go forward. Thank you all for helping me through this .... well ... stuff.
A special thanks to smith too, just for being my friend.
Kisses all around,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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David....
The depth and sincerity you wrote with are so incredible !!!!! That you have taken so much time to express such an important subject in life as this shows just what an incredible person you are...
If I may... I, like most every other person who lives or has lived, have been hurt. Some do it almost unknowingly (through ignorance), and some do it selfishly (not thinking of anyone other than their immediate lust), and some do it pervasively (just to be bad).
I love others so deeply that when I am hurt, it is a very big thing for me to 'go there' and 'deal with what they have done to me' and then proactively forgive them.
I forgive others, David so as to allow them to heal from whatever it is that caused them to do wrong. I also forgive because (from a purely selfish standpoint, i admit...) if I don't forgive, I feel I am less of a person. I know that may sound strange, but I must be a bigger man than the one who hurt me. That is the only way I can shake off the pain, anger, hurt and frustration, and make the world better.
The relationship I previously had with the 'assailant' in this whole issue will always be different. I can not change that in me. I will love them just the same, and will do what I can for them if the need arises, but I will also have that different relationship with them. Of course, I speak of being hurt by someone who purposely hurt me...
And to think I just wanted to drop you a line, and wrote half a book !!!!!
Peace, Love, and Huge Hugs.........
Bam Bam.......
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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With respect and polite regards---a certain person got mangled because he mangled FIRST on another message board and that certain person is trying to bring that indescretion here to this message board..The entire mess is still there for all to see and judge...Apologies have been made,but the mindset is to still bring the sorry mess to the table...The posts could have been deleted and I cannot understand why they are not..DO NOT BRING YOUR GRUDGE AGAINST ROB HERE....it wont work.....rob
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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"If you ain't got sumtin nice to say, best keep trap shut." ? Does that only apply when you wish to apply it?
David, great post and well thoughtout words.
smith
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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The more the pot is stirred the smaller the pieces become.
And, I for one do not think David's words are being very helpful.
All I see is many people trying to keep the fighting going.
It's time to grow up boys..........
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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I must agree in this case; and in this case, I'm afraid it must begin with the one who is stirring the pot.
There has been the feeling among us (at least some of us) that the "Animal Farm" doctrine of "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others" has (however well-intentioned) in this instance been put into effect, in that others have in the past been dealt with more "severely" for "lesser" behavior. I've been feeling this as well; but I have trusted that Timmy knew what he was doing, so I have pretty much kept my counsel to myself.
I, too, thought, that if we all simply ignored the "source" of the unrest, then it would just go away. Just as I was wrong to not have given my tuppence here (as some have been urging me to do), I was wrong about that, too; because as one of us (one whose wisdom never ceases to amaze me, even though my own shortcomings sometimes prevents me from fully comprehending it) has been trying to get into my thick head, silence can often be misinterpreted as "implied consent". I see now that this is the case here.
In "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan", Mr. Spock says, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few (or the one)." I feel this certainly applies here. If "simple behaviors...friendship and love" are expected here, then they should be expected of everybody (and that means EVERYbody). Too many people are being made to feel less and less safe in this "place of safety" by the behavior of just a few (a very few). If those few (those very few) can't abide by those simple tenets, then I'm afraid it would be for the best that they not be allowed to participate. It's sad that it has come down to this (and I wish it hadn't); but I'm afraid it's just selfishness on the part of that "very few" to expect to still be able to continue on.
I still trust you, Timmy.
We do not remember days...we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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- My word is only law because I sometimes use it by pressing the delete key or locking a thread
- All, repeat all, are welcome here until they break my trust a second time
- I trust you all to behave like gentlemen and ladies. By which I do not mean challenging someone else to a duel
- It is obvious that you all speak of Rob. What must he do now to prove that he is a decent citizen here? This is a rhetorical question. I will answer it myself. Except for the odd small mistake (like we all have made) he has to do what he is doing. Behaving decently. I have noticed his cry of hurt above, and those are the small mistakes that are allowed, but I ask him not to do them often, if at all
- Marc is right. The fight must have been great fun, for it is perpetuated in subtle ways
- Anyone who wlaks on eggshells makes it so obvious that they start to look really rather silly. So don't do it. Either post well, or do not post. But no eggshells
- I have tried to make very clear to all what I am trying to achieve here. I wonder if any of you realise the huge and horrible pressure this puts me under. You may all ask for thinsg the way oyu want them. I am the guy who has to work out how to do it.
- I want everyone at least to pretend to behave. Get used to being nice. It is not hard to do.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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But The crew did risk all to retrieve Spock.
So it seems the needs of the one are as important as the needs of the many.
And why???
Because it takes alot of "ones" to make many.....
If we are to get through this.... We will do it together....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Forgiveness and Letting Go...When and How? 
Thank you David ..... 
Re: Forgiveness and Letting Go...When and How? 
Rob ! What happened to: 
