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i am in a strange situation, and have a conversation going on about it right now, but i'm getting super over-spoken in IMs. it's times like this i wish long-distance phone-calling was completely free.
it goes like this. i all but broke up with my GF, and many parts of me regret that now. she did/does love me, she is safe. she does not pressure. i am seeing that it was probably better we were not all romantic touchy/feely when we had time to be together physically. at the time, this was becoming an issue for me, but now, it's all different.
to be blunt, it's all based on the medication they put me on. most anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medications have the primary side-effect of "lack of sexual drive," or variants of. okay, here is where i try to be as delicate as i can ... before hand, i had a very normal drive, except what spurred it on, you could say, was not "normal" for a female. as in ... it was things not straight, and not even girl/girl related. so what does that leave? yeah, i'm sure you guessed it. anyways ... now that's not even there. like, it IS mentally. i can think it, read it, write it, see it, and think, "oooo..." but like, then nothing can be done of it (god, okay, and i feel like already i've said too much and people will be running to vomit..).
so, given current circumstances ... this will become a problem. has, in fact. and in my screwed up defense mechanisms, i find this okay. for all my talk about being "asexual" (because what i want to be, want to have, i can't--i'm a girl, and therefore what i want and wish i was, isn't possible) it's suddenly come true. i could go off the meds, but then the other problems (which are only BARELY gone, considering i've been up all night cramming for a huge exam, only the first one of this class and each week they get bigger/harder. i think without the meds i'd have snapped, but with them, i'm just constantly borderline and feeling so bad like i want to break but can't) will return. i could change meds, but those that don't have "sexual side effects," apparently do not mesh with my medication for my stomach disease. some say this will level off. but i don't really want it to .. this means i'm totally safe. it means, also, i'm probably a short time away from breaking someone's heart who came back around. bi, sure, but like last time, he seems to forget that when around me. and i doubt if i said, 'love me but find a boyfriend, please, and i will tag along,' that would fly.
and here, i will finish up with a paste from the IM i am in:
Stellarfusion [1:22 PM]: you want to know why i'm pulling back, for honest? it's a lot of reasons. i'm a selfish person, that's a harsh truth, but i think i am. i want what i can't have, and when i have it, i sometimes don't want it anymore. it's been my experience that, when in relationships with guys, bi or straight, eventually their male-ness comes out and sex becomes an issue because even without this medication, i was never overtly sexual. and to them that means i don't want them, love them, or want to be with them.
and there you have it. i'm not as good a person as some of you say, or as others say. all i do is destroy stuff and people. i don't even mean to. i think it all comes down to the fact i was born with the wrong damn body. i should have been a $)%R*$ boy. for as feminine as i am, i hate being a $)%(*$# girl. I HATE IT. :'-(
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13801
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No need to be delicate, and graphic is fine.
I got stuffed with anti-deps too for a while, and they do wreck sex life. The thing to look at is which is more important right now, sex or stability. Only you can judge that.
If she loves you, and you love here, and I think you do, then why not go through the motions a bit, even fake an orgams or two? Seriously? And sort the rest out over time.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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i do love her. my problem is that i love too many. i love differently and i love based on situations. i love someone immensely who, if was closer, could wipe all this away, i do believe. he soothes.
i love someone else, but i think he's mostly a memory. a flash of who i used to be before i got sick. carefree times, and we are not children anymore. i don't think it will be the same (and he is who this post was geared about--probably because i'm trying to find a way out of that situation without making *him* go psycho on me).
but her ... she was safe. warm. and i would actually fake something, if she even touched me to begin with. we barely even kissed, but when we did it was sweet, and not forced. her and i both have lots of physical hang-ups, and that, really, is why we never even really made out.
i think it's more important i'm stable right now. as said, the medication is helping ease my suffocating anxiety, and bouts of wanting to do bad things. since the last incident that totaled my car, i've been fine. i still stress out (and badly, given my exam tonight and that i haven't slept, have not eaten, and am jacked on caffeine and ephedra pills to stay awake), but i can control it. it's not eating me alive. that's what's important.
if memory-he cannot deal with the fact i'm not some street-slinking whore anymore, if he can love beyond that, then fine. but i still don't think i want it, or him; or parts of me sure don't. else this wouldn't be shifting so abruptly between the time he found me again, and now.
far-away-he, well i don't know. we both know it's probably impossible, but he has huge chunks of my heart. more than most have had in a long, *long* time. i think he knows.
and her, god *her*. i love her because we're so alike. we both have the same sexual hang-ups, the same turn-ons (which, HA, is probably why we never really touched each other, ehehe). i think, sometimes, we share the same brain and possibly soul.
doesn't that make me terrible? how can i be in love with three people? and only one of them knows about the other two. she doesn't know about the he's, and memory-he doesn't know about the other two. but far-away-he knows all of it (between board and emails), AND knows how i feel about all of it. i hate hate hate being dishonest, but it'd break her heart, and memory-he would go insane and maybe do bad things to himself or me.
maybe i'm one of those people ... like a bird that wasn't meant to be caged, a wild animal never meant to be kept. one of those people who is a whirlwind who'll never be stopped, not really .. can only be slowed down for a short time, held for a short time, before she's gone again. because i don't do this to be malicious, it is not "conquests" to me, or whoring (esp. because sex is so not a thing with me). but to make her see that, and memory-he see that ... it would be bad. it would sound like excuses.
it makes me sad, but i truly do think not all of us are meant to be had, or really have.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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No Message Body
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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We don't know much about each other...but I did have a few thoughts, for what they're worth. If they're on-target, keep 'em, if not, ditch 'em.
I beleive strongly in people trusting their own feelings about things. So if you trust them here, then maybe none of them is the final "Mr./ Ms. Right" and you should not commit yourself to any of them until you're more certain.
Honesty is probably best, with each of them, not only to be fair to them, but so you can feel better about yourself.
You feel badly about yourself now, but truly, aren't you trying the best you can in a difficult set of circumstances, and won't the people that love you underatand that and give you support for it? I hope so!
And if you need stability more than sexual intimacy right now, then go for it and don't think twice. You and Timmy are right about the meds side effects issue.
Have you ever tried counseling about any of this stuff? Not for an answer on the MB, but just a suggestion cuz it sometimes helps when you find the right person to talk to about this stuff.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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