|
|
|
|
This one is prolly sexist as well as ageist, but gave me a giggle anyhow...
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a
warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by
past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe. Ruled by a d!ck.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
omg i loved that one!!! i cut and pasted it to mail to people, if you don't mind!
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
robert bryce
|
 |
Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
|
|
|
;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
...I know a certain 92-y/o fruitcake lady who would be most upset if she ever read this joke. You'd have to flee even further than to Thailand to escape her barbed truisms she'd be flinging your way, haha! 
Hugs:
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
ch.oo.lo
|
 |
Toe is in the water |
Location: Michigan, USA
Registered: August 2003
Messages: 49
|
|
|
He just came into the office and told like 4 jokes, lol.
1) Q: Why do gorillas have huge nostrils?
A: They have big fingers.
2) These 2 guys were out camping in Yellowstone and on their first night there they heard this scratching noise outside their tent. They heard it all night long and when they got up the next morning, they saw the HUGEST bear in the park standing there. One of the guys screamed and ran away... but he noticed his friend wasn't following, in fact, his friend was methodically putting his shoes on. The guy yelled, "Come on! Run! We have to out run him!". His friend replied, "Nope, I just have to out run you"
3) There was an accident involving a bus. On the bus there were 17 of the UGLIEST people ever, but anyway, they all got to heaven and St. Peter welcomed them at the gate. "Ooh, ugh... ah, Lemme' go get God," he said. So God came and said, "Ooh, um... ok, I'll grant each of you one wish." Off they went, each person making their wish. The first guy said, "I wish I was handsome," he was. The next lady wished for beauty. Each person made a similar wish up until God got to the last person, "You've been snickering this entire time, what's your wish?" "I wish they were all ugly again"
These were actually a lot better than some of the other ones, believe it or not. The 3rd one wasnt actually one of his, my aunt told it to him. (Yeah, I realize there are only three... 1 of the jokes he told i didn't get, the other you had to see (I'm also too lazy to type it)). There's plenty more where this came from, dont worry .
-Chameleon (aka. ChOoLo)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
How about this, eh?
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
viðrar vel til loftárása
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse.
viðrar vel til loftárása
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
robert bryce
|
|
Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
|
|
|
The flag Admiral must have been G.Bush..with asscroft at the helm...rob;-D ;-D
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
This one may be old, but I just got it again, and enjoyed it just as much as the first time. I'm dubious about this being ONLY the work of kids, but what the heck, right?
This is supposed to come from a Catholic elementary school somewhere in the U.S.. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. These are their answers, supposedly not corrected at all.
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4.. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. King David was a Hebrew king. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of King David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24.. St.. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is; another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
New Thread for Jokes...smith's or otherwise! 
Re: New Thread for Jokes...smith's or otherwise! 
Re: And yet another! 
