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i don't. i'm lost in cyberspace. tonight is my night to write in this forum thingie and so i'm on other SNs that i don't usually have open, because i have two characters being played at the same time, along with two others, so it's a lot to keep up with.
but my head is elsewhere. in clouds and in the dark. it's such a clear night here. the windows are open. i can smell the lake and autumn-burned leaves. and i feel like crying and laughing. i feel calmly insane.
yesterday, before i had a chance to sleep and was really on the last thread of being snapped, i got into a fight with a friend. he was asking me "what is that lame show that all the girls say us gay guys have to watch? you know, the one that has every terrible gay stereotype that you fag hags watch?" now, he has a very dry sense of humor, and i know he meant no harm to *me* because he knows with me, things like that are different. still, i went off on him, like, hardcore. whatever livejournal entry he was making where he needed to reference "queer as folk," he locked so i couldn't see it. i imagine so he could mention what a bitch i was. i apologised and explained the no sleep and exams eating at my brain every week, and he understood. he's in college too. still, we're strained now. it's okay though, because we don't usually talk a whole lot, with schedules.
but then i got to thinking, because during that he said the types he does NOT like are the girls who are all, "eeee ooo, i wish i was a gay guy ahahaha!" and yet ... i do. but not for superficial reasons. like i really do think i'm in the wrong body. i mean screw him, okay, and screw stereotypes. some gay males *are* effeminate, and some are *not*. and me? i feel like i would make a damn good guy. i was the unplanned pregnancy of my parents, and my dad had said, i guess, 'well i hope it's a boy.' and i'm not, so he and i's relationship has always been odd. not bad, just strange.
when they had to gome get me from a hospital 70 miles away, he was pulled from army duty, because what i'd done was that bad. he didn't speak to me at all, and i couldn't talk from being intubated for so long. but he held my hand and rubbed my wrist, he brushed the hair back from my head. i kept trying to say i'm sorry, and it kept coming out as garble. it was the first time i'd seen him cry. he says boys aren't supposed to cry. it's why my brother has so many issues.
i have no idea where this is going. i have no idea who i am. i have goals, some i am reaching, some i will soon. i love; family and friends and a someone; i am a mother and i'm startlingly far away from finding myself.
it's 1 am and i'm nowhere near close to sleeping. at least i got 4 hours to make up for the last 3 days i didn't sleep at all. 
excuse this burp of a post, please.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Hiya, you night person you! ::-)
Here, it's just a bit after 1 PM...tomorrow afternoon from your viewpoint. Glorious sunny day, since finally the rainy season seems to be over. It went on longer than usual this year, and we had huge down-pours on 38 out of the past 40 days. We get more than 2/3's of our total yearly rain-fall between May and now.
The sky is soo blue today, cobalt blue. We don't have a long dusk this close to the equator. So when the sun sets, it will go down rapidly in such a blaze of glory that I often have to stop whatever I'm doing to watch the show. The colors of the rainbow ripple thru the high columns of clouds, and the intense sunlight changes from bright hot yellow through pinks and rose colors to cooler shades of purple, finally fading into midnight blue.
I'll get to watch the sunset today from the car that will be taking me from the Big Mango (Bangkok) down to our house on the coast. It's pretty much flat, so it will be a good show. "Red sky at night; sailor's delight".
Don't know why I wrote all that...maybe prompted by your somnambulism in the dark? 
Do you consider yourself a transexual? Just wondering, although labels like this one can be too limiting sometimes...
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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i would love to watch the sun go down, get eaten up by its own flames. that's got to be one heck of a sight to see. i don't mind that you wrote all that at all! it helps my mind. gives me imagery to play with and imagine.
i'm not sure if i am a transexual. i took a women's studies class, and we had these "terms" as vocabulary. would it be that i'm trans-gendered? or is that like when one actually undergoes surgeries and whatnots? i'd never do that -- i'd lose my daughter in a second if i did anything like that. but i *do* feel like i shouldn't be a girl. i don't have many "stereotypical" boyish qualities ... i just know i don't like being female, and would probably be happier had i been a boy.
or am i thinking transvestite--when one becomes another gender, through hormones and surgeries? i think that's what that is. so yes, i'm probably transexual/transgendered somewhere, inside. it seems strange to suddenly put a tag on it, but it *does* make sense. and probably would make people think me more a freak.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Don't worry about the tags so much...just try and keep figuring out what feels like "you" and "not you" inside.
It's not transvestite, that's dressing in the opposite gender's clothes, not wanting a different body.
Here's a link from Amazon, with quite a few good books for late night reading sessions. I especially recommend a new one coming out soon by Virginia Ramey Mollenkott, called Transgender Journey. She's one of my favorite writers. Other good ones from this list are "The Transgender Reader" and "Gender Blending". Give em a try, you can read the first few pages of each of them on Amazon's site. The link is
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-url/index%3Dbooks%26field-keywords%3Dtransgender%26store-name%3Dbooks/002-6674096-4706453
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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okay so yeah, no, hehe! i don't dress in boys clothing. at least, "not like that" -- i buy guys jeans because i like how they fit low on the hips, and they don't make girl skate-pants or board-shorts that don't, well, suck. and i hate pink, so. but other than that i dress very "girly" i suppose you could say ...
... though i do pull off pin-stripes okay, i must admit. but the suit was still cut for a woman. ehehe!! anyways!
so i guess it would be transgendered then, if it was to be tagged .. except no, i don't think i'm quite 'taggable' that way. whereas i think i would be happier as a boy, and i complain about being a female (a LOT), there are aspects i like .. only aspects, though. it's so hard to explain.
so instead i am going to go look at that link now, and thanks for passing it along! 
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Hi somnambulist!
Whew... I find your name a little bit harder to type now. ^_^
Anyway, I read your post and well... no matter where we are in the world, there WILL BE places and there WILL BE people who won't like us, much less appreciate us or don't think the way we do.
Just because we're different doesn't mean we're nobody.
We are in fact, special- in different sorts of ways.
They don't know how WE feel.
While it may be a bit shitty, a bit exciting and a bit confusing all at the same time- don't you just love the way we look at life?
We look at life in, I must say- a rather special way. We see some things "normal" people don't, we ask questions "normal" people don't normally ask- we act in ways that seem "abnormal" to other "normal" people.
For me, I'm happy I don't think and act the way "normal" people do. (Thank God for that!)
We're special. We may have to live hard to get what we want being the way we are, but I think our life is a lot more COLORFUL than "normal" people who have to live through routine. ^_^
I sometimes hate and wonder to the point of banging my head on the wall about me bein' gay, but I don't regret being attracted to other boys.
ALSO, ALWAYS REMEMBER:
No matter where we are in the world... there WILL ALSO BE places and there WILL ALSO BE people who will accept us for who we are, appreciate us for what we do, and think the way we are.
This MB is proof of that.
An MB full of people with wild, crazy, imaginative, thoughtful and God knows what else ideas. Go get a hug from smith! Heh-heh! And one from me too.  )
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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No Message Body
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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No Message Body
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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wow, michael, thanks for that ... i suppose when you break it down that way i can't argue, huh? *smiles and hugs!* and truth be told, i've a feeling i'd be a dreadfully boring person, or at best just *bored*, if i was normal. so this is a very interesting take on everything, one i won't soon forget.
by the way, you can just call me heathyr if you want/need.
i hope your day's gone good so far!
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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