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Man, sometimes, it's just SOOOO hard tryin' to adjust.
Today, for our Theology class- we went to a really far place by the sea where we all had to attend some kind of celebration. And guess what? Stephen and I got paired by our teacher to do some job! ;-D ;-D ;-D
I had a REALLY great time having to work with him. We had to help out a few people set up the stage for the program and Stephen was all, like- "You take care of yourself or you might fall" and "Hey, you need some help with that?"
After our job, we rested and our teacher gave us some free food! We had to skip the program to rest while all the others bored themselves with all those speeches. ;-D Stephen changed his shirt 'cause he was all sweaty and I was DAMN havin' a hard time tryin' to calm myself. In our four years of being friends, I've never seen him naked THAT close. I was tryin' hard (and I mean REALLY HARD) not to look but I just couldn't help it! He looked so cute and all the while I was rememberin' what Timmy said to me in his post...
"His body is off limits to you... his body is off limits to you... his body is off limits to you..."
Well, I stared anyway!  I think he saw I was lookin' and he just smiled.
After that, the class was dismissed early and most of us went to the mall- some watched a movie while the boys (Stephen and I included) shot some pool and played arcade games.
Eventually, we said goodbye.
Darn... I REALLY wish Stephen and I were more than just friends. Well, we really can't have everything so I'm more than lucky enough to have experienced what I had.
I find it funny that... while I try to change the way I look at Stephen and simply be his simple friend, the more circumstances make me fall for him more. 
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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Glad you had a great day!!! I am not sure I could be that close to my ex that soon after I found we weren't going to be together. When I was in love with Jack, I was in the same spot as you are now and I found I was in torture for several years. Only when he went off to the Navy did I start to live again as far as seeing other boys was concerned. Oh, I had fantasies, but I was in love with only Jack.
I hope your time and your friendship with Stephen stays true. Be happy with today.
And love will find your heart,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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*sigh* yeah...
Like I said, everything feels like a major irony, Bambam.
It's all like- a mixed feeling of happiness and frustration at the same time- and it really feels shitty- like those times you wanna pee but for some strange reason, nothings comin' out.
I can't even understand how I am able to cope with all this!  ??
If I hadn't had THAT much patience, believe me, I would've jumped at him right then and there! ;-D
Well, that was the closest I could get- so "Mike, live with it!" ;-D
Better than nothing at all. At least, I was able to see his top. *faints* And guess what? I even had a slight fever at night that day!  ) The image just keeps on playing in my mind!
Thanksfully, I got over it now.
Thanks also for all you've said Bambam.
It feels really great to have friends like you guys. :-):-)
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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I wasn't able to think of that word---
And I guess that was pretty much the very perfect word that describes my position that time! ;-D
I sometimes feel like I'm being picked on though.
Sheesh- is life testing my limits or what! Anyway Kevin,
which of the two do you believe more:
1. Absence makes the heart grow fonder; or
2. Out of sight, out of mind?
I can't tell right now. But if I were to choose between Stephen being away or being close to me, I'd rather have him close by. It's torture alright, but I can live with it so long as he's my friend.
Still, sometimes, I REALLY get frustrated about Stephen not being mine. It's just that- he really feels like a major loss to me. Well, I think I'll stick to 'the ideal' thing Timmy talked to me about.
What the heck- where am I going to find anyone like him?
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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I kinda know how you're feeling. My best friend growing up is as close as a brother to me and, even though he's totally str8, I can't help but wish that he would look at me differently and that maybe he could bend just a little :-/
Having Stephen for your friend is much better than not having Stephen at all, so enjoy the closeness of the friendship and keep your eyes open for someone whose hand you can hold.
{{hugs}} smith
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Someone whose hand I can hold... *thinks deeply*
*sigh* I bet it'd feel great to hold Stephen's hand...
Darn--- argh! Get over him already!
*bangs head on the wall three times*
Heh-heh! Okay, I'm fine now! ;-D
Hi smith! What you said was definitely what I, too, was wishing for. That... if he could just... just... "bend just a little."
Well, in my case, I guess that's too much to ask already- considering being friends with him after the confession was more than I could hope for.
No matter how hard I try to purge these feelings, they just don't seem to be... going anywhere.
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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Today, Stephen and I had a good talk- a serious one, like a consultation of some sort. A little short, but nevertheless- it made me feel better.
A lot better.
We went to take lunch together at the canteen after finishing our school project. He had invited me to join him 'cause Hana (her GF) still had a class and couldn't join us.
I was surprised by the way our conversation went.
It's not that it's really something that's really major or surprising... I just didn't expect him to ask about it, I guess.
Knowing we're just friends, since my confession, I've avoided raising issues concerning me and my problems- especially about the way I feel for him. I didn't want to cause any problems for Stephen and her girlfriend. We talked about how much work load we still had to do, about projects, then about food, anime- and videogames.
In the middle of our conversation he asked me how I was doing.
And I told him, "I'm fine. Most of the school projects are about over anyway." And he said, "No, no, no, not that. It's just... you don't seem to be like your usual self anymore. Most of the time, it seems like you're so far away, then you start singing or dancing- which is definitely something I KNOW you DON'T do---so I figured something was wrong. Are you made at me?"
'Course, I replied, "HELL NO! Why would I be??? I like you!" So I told him the truth behind my mood swings and weird behavior. That I still like him, though I'm trying damn hard to adjust. Well, still, I find it sweet of him to be concerned about how I was doing.
Then he talked to me about an experience he had too- about a girl he had liked before- who had also dumped him. He said he spent for years before he got over the girl. He told me my feelings would change too- somehow... eventually.
Of course, I doubted that (in my mind)- judging from the current trend of what I'm feeling. As I write this post, Stephen sent me an email and this was what he said:
"We are friends and it'll stay that way. Don't ever change, though I believe those feelings should and would in time... nothing lasts forever, right? I treat u as a good friend so as I've said, nothing will change... Sorry coz I can't do anything about how you feel... thanks 4 saying this
though. I know it was hard for you, and to tell you the truth, I really can't believe it and wasn't expecting it. Now I know, but dont worry. Ur secret s safe with me..."
So the day ends... :'-(
I miss him so much...
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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You ended that post with two happy faces and only one sad, so I guess that's a win...
Judging from his email, your friend seems to be the best friend you could ever hope for. If he was any better, he'd be your boyfriend. That's a win too.
It's good to know your friends care about you, right?
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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I gotta agree with Lenny, and you've said it yourself. He seems like such a wonderful person, no wonder you fell for him. Just make sure you let yourself think about other people than him, and make sure you're exercising your gaydar, and somebody else wonderful WILL appear, when you're ready to notice him...and he'll be gay! 
So tell us more about that fishing project... ::-) ::-)
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Mostly happy, but still hurting.
I don't know, Lenny...
If I just--- think about it- it's actually something that isn't hard to do.
"Be his simple friend", right?
But if you're just... right there- with that one person you like so much... it's so... DIFFICULT to do. It's like that song, "Can't Help Falling in Love." :-/
Seeing him so close... watching him smile- it's like... I wanna punch him so hard I wish it'd knock his brains off or something then he'd realize he was in love with me after all! ;-D (Yeah, right- I wish!)
*sigh*
Man, this is what I hate- the "coping up" part.
It's so confusing. It's like, it helps a lot if I'm not able to see him- like after school... but then, I start to miss him and then WANT TO see him... but when I see him, it just hurts so much I DON'T WANT TO see him... but then I miss him and WANT TO see him again! (you could go on and on here)
Yeah... I feel like some fool who can't make up his mind. :'-(
I'm happy he cares about me, though.
And that he's my friend.
And that you guys are here.
Come to think about it, you're righht- there's more reason to smile. ;-D
Thanks a lot, Lenny.
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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I gotta agree with Lenny, and you've said it yourself. He seems like such a wonderful person, no wonder you fell for him. Just make sure you let yourself think about other people than him, and make sure you're exercising your gaydar, and somebody else wonderful WILL appear, when you're ready to notice him...and he'll be gay!
So tell us more about that fishing project...
Stephen is just... more than wonderful... he's awesome!
I DO try to think about other people David... but, you know- it's difficult to tell who's straight or not.
With Stephen, I also wasn't sure whether he was straight or not, but I just decided to give it a shot. Why? Because I liked him so much I just couldn't hold my feelings anymore.
I wish I'd be able to fall in love with another person soon. But that takes an awful lot of time. It took me 3 years to fall in love with Stephen.
I haven't got to work on "The Fishing Project" yet. This sem break, maybe. It's something that's not exactly easy to do. Honestly- I haven't been in one, and... I'm a bit shy to enter in one, alone-- and I can't exactly ask any friend or Stephen and her girlfriend to come with me (as suggested by Timmy) 'cause I'm too shy to ask them. :-[
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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Hi Michael. You seem to be handling the situation pretty well. I also had the misfortune to fall in love with my best friend, not just once, but three times. Back in high school was the first. We used to spend the night with each other and in Jr. High we began masturbating together. After about two years of this "torture", I had wanted more right from the start, I told him how I felt. He got angry and I ended up walking home. It took a couple months for him to get over it. In the meantime, I thought I had lost my friend. Thankfully, he didn't "out" me to the school and eventually, he told me that he still wanted to be friends. The other two times it hapened I also told those friends, and the friendships ended both times. I've always been glad my first friend decided we could still be friends, but it was never easy for me. I never stopped wanting more, but having him for a friend was worth it. In fact, I think it made us better friends because I didn't have to pretend around him and he could accept me for what I am.
Think good thoughts,
e
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I had a REAAAALLLY GREAT day! 
Re: Hi Michael 
Should I cry.. or smile? 
