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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they
decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was
wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the
problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple
out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to
start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The
couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his
wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had
better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will
forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he
said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then
fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate
of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my TOAST!"
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Hehehe, David! Yours was pretty bad in a good sort of way so you get good grades for that one from me, but there was no naughty-references in it at all. Well not REALLY in this one either, and I don't know how well it turns out once I translate it, but okay, here goes:
"I førsteklasse på folkeskolen hadde lærer-innen til en avveksling fortalt om fuglene, og da hun hadde sagt at svalen hadde en kløft i halen, reiste vesle Per seg og sa:
-Det har jeg også det, frøken."
And, an approximation in English:
In first grade in school, the lady teacher told about birds, and after saying that the swallow had a split tail, little Per got up and said:
-I've also got one, miss."
Okay, so it wasn't funny in English, or maybe my rough translation sucks (I don't actually speak Norwegian), but hey... At least I tried, right?  And, it was a change from the usual norm as well I guess.
Take care guys!
Hugs:
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said,"in my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."
Smile for the day as well!
Thanks David, Thanks Lenny.
Hugs all,
Kevin
 )
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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No Message Body
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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I SO laughed outloud ) when I got to the "Tray Up, Bitch". I better get to lookin' for a new joke.
JJ
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Oh my God! I just got off the floor from this joke!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA I LOVE IT. It's super!
You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet
You went to a better place but He stole you away from me
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Put that "princess" in her place, didn't (s)he? I love it!
At the risk of being politically incorrect, David's joke reminded me of one of my father's favorites from when I was a kid:
Once upon a time, somewhere in the United States, there lived an elderly Native American who was renowned locally for his remarkable memory. He could immediately call to mind, right down to the most minute detail, anything that occurred during his life. This man loved trains (this was long before the airplane became established as a major mode of transportation); so every day, he would go to the local train station, wrap himself in this beautiful hand-made blanket he owned, and sit there watching the trains go by. This one day, on a train which was making a stop at this station, there was a man who was passing through on a business trip. He had somehow heard about this man with the remarkable memory, and was amazed to see him actually sitting there in the station. On a whim, the businessman got off the train, went up to him, and without any preliminaries asked him, "What did you have for breakfast on April 14, 1903?" The man answered, "Eggs." The businessman thought to himself, "What a fraud this guy is! Anybody can have eggs for breakfast!" Without saying another word, he got back on the train and went on his way. Ten years later, this same businessman found himself on another train on another business trip, stopping again at this same station. Sure enough, when he looked out the window, he saw the old man, sitting there just as he had been ten years earlier. Ashamed of how he had behaved that first time, he got off the train and walked up to him, and thinking he was being polite, he held up his right hand and said, "How." The old man said, "Scrambled."
Come now, smith, you KNOW you can top that one!!! 
We do not remember days...we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
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No Message Body
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Attachment: tiger1.jpg
(Size: 66.88KB, Downloaded 328 times)
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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:'-(
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good one, Kevy
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
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No Message Body
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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speaking of "eggs".....
Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar...
the bartender says I'm sorry we don't "serve" breakfast here!!
"To the world you may be but one person, but to one person you may be the world!"
"Some people love you and some hate you.. those who hate don't know what they're missing and they're missing out!"
"Never underestimate your power to change yo
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Okay, this probably qualifies as a smith Joke. You may groan in advance to save the rush later. My apologies.  ;-D 
In Washington DC, just last week....
The young son of a recent Mexican immigrant and restauranter was entering his first day of 4th grade at his new school. The boy's name was Juan Martinez and his mother was American, so he spoke both English and Spanish fluently.
During the class, the teacher instructed the students to open their history texts and take notes. She began her lesson by asking the question, "Now class, who can tell me who said 'Give me liberty or give me death'?"
A sea of blank faces greated the teacher, save for young Juan, who had his hand up, waving frantically. When called upon, he responded "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Here's another one, class. Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, row after row of silence and confused looks. Once again, only Juan's hand was in the air. The teacher nodded to Juan, who promptly responded: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher looked around at her class and said. "Now, why don't the rest of you know these things? We covered them in class last week. Juan has been in our country, er, our class all of one day, and he knows more about American history than all of you. This Mexican boy shames you all."
"Screw the Mexicans!" came a shout from the back of the class.
"Who said that?" the teacher snapped back, angrilly and much appalled.
Juan's hand shot up and he said "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point another student shouted, "Oh crap, this is making me sick!"
"Alright, now! Who said that?" the teacher said, becoming rapidly flustered.
Juan's hand fairly beat the air and he cried out, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
A nearby student, furious at Juan's ability to keep repeating leapt to his feet and grabbed his crotch. "Oh yeah? Well suck this!"
The teacher gasps in awe and frustration as the class room explodes in giggles and twittering. Yet before she can restore calm, Juan leaps to his feet, waving his arm wildly and answers "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The mob atmosphere in the room swelled and one bully stood near Juan and shouted, "You little shit! If you say anything, I'll kill you!"
Juan's arm flailed into the air again and he practically screamed "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001!"
The teacher fainted dead away, collapsing in a flutter of papers and chalk dust. A hush fell over the class, save for one little girl that looked around at her fellow students and said, "Oh crud. We're in BIG trouble now."
Juan nodded calmly with the rest of the class and said, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
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MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow tocome so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.
(\\__/) And if you don't believe The sun will rise
(='.'=) Stand alone and greet The coming night
(")_(") In the last remaining light. (C. Cornell)
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GRROOAAN!!! :-/ :'-( :-[ 
You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet
You went to a better place but He stole you away from me
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New Good/Bad Jokes, Please! 
Are you guys ready for a Norwegian smith-Joke? 
Re: OK here goes !!! 
Re: The Tiger that mauled Roy in Las Vegas ... 
