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i didn't go to class monday night, because i was sleeping instead. in and out and in and out ... for as much as i say, and have heard others say, how relaxing and nice it would be to not think for awhile, i have to say nothing is more frightening and strange than having no real *feelings* at all.
sometime through that first night, i think it was close to or around 3 am by the stereo clock, i woke up feeling my mom touching my cheek and jaw, and saying she was sorry. i pretended i was still sleeping. that should have moved me, or soothed, or made this all seem less scary and more like first person than third person (like viewing from the outside in), but it didn't do a thing. not a thing.
i left class early yesterday, too. took the exam and then left (a bad idea, as exam three scheduled for next tuesday is estimated to be THE hardest one of the term, and now i've lost 6 pages of notes because i preferred to come home and try to be destructive so i could feel again, which didn't work). tonight i have my med. term. exam and i will stay for all of class. i will get make-up notes tomorrow in anatomy. i'm a robot.
rich suggested i talk to my brother, and i'm trying to get ahold of him. not sure if he knows what all's happened this weekend, but i need someone to speak on my behalf. i shouldn't be on thorazine. i want to get off of it before it totally kills off whatever's left inside. but as days go by, i care less and less. i'm in hidden-love and that kind of stung at first, but now i don't mind. they think thorazine is making it so i don't care as much about eating (ie: feeling guilty and gross and etc) but really, it's come to me caring less that i'm hungry. i'm eating though--soup-bits and crackers, bits of fruit and whatnot. yogurt in the morning. which is more than before. so this is progess, right? but how do i say why. not all of it is the desire to lose a female figure, but lately (as in the past almost 2 years or so) it has been more and more. it started as a quest to become invisible so that i wouldn't be hurt anymore by those boys who were supposedly friends, but it's morphed and mutated as years have gone by. if i looked more like a boy, then the kinds of boys i feel safest around might let me be around them, more, to therefore be safe.
it's so silly, when i type it or say it i roll my eyes and remind myself how pathetic and stupid that sounds, and how impossible it is. ::-) kind of like that, only with :-/ kind of mouth, eheheheh.
i'm going to go back to sleep now.
thanks for all your well-wishes and patience. oy, didn't i say i was going to hush up a few days ago? i should listen to me more often! 
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Sorry I didn't hear you when you "called", stupid game manages to mute the beeps from the messenger. Some games let them through, seems this one doesn't, it's happened twice now.  I wish I'd been there, I'd much rather have talked to you than played that stupid game. Especially since I've already played that game before and my gay-looking tiny little level three wood-elf sucks.
I picked the hair and face that looked the most cute and gay, and then I named him Shane, coz that's such a pretty name methinks. He's got little tiny horns on his forehead and spiky brown hair... YOU wanna roll your eyes? Haha, here's something to roll eyes about or what do you think? 
Eating is important and so is feeling. If you don't like your pills, don't eat them. Trying to feel by becoming destructive is definitely not the right way of going about things. As the words imply, nothing constructive comes out of being destructive...
PLEASE take care okay? Be good. Make sure you sleep, but don't sleep too much because that just makes you lethargic. Wish I was there to just be there for you and hold your hand.
Be good now, pretty girl. I will go for a walk now, but I'll be thinking about you and sending on any nice feelings and sights I might experience your way okies?
*Huuuugs!*
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Hey... I didn't know you played games a lot, Lenny! ;-D
I do too- 'cept that I like RPG's and Survival Horrors best- like Final Fantasy and Resident Evil.
Anyway, heathyr-
I think sleeping helps a lot- just don't overdo it.
When I have problems, I just sleep them away and in the morning, I tend to feel a little bit lighter about them- a feeling like I can take them on- a mentality that sort of says, "Okay, I have a brand new day to solve my problems!" ;-D
Thinking blankly is good too.
Just stare- at nothing in particular- and don't think.
I often do that. Sort of refreshes my brain.
But like what I said to you in the other post- nothing's better than
unwinding. ^_^ It works 99% of the time.
And like what Lenny said,
don't destroy- create! You wouldn't want to bring about the end of the world! ;-D
There are really some things that cannot be-
And no matter how hard we try to wish they'd be, they just... can't.
What do I do about it?
Live life. Let things pass and see what happens. ^_^
In the process, you should be able to make a realization of some sort- something that'll mean much to you.
Always take care haethyr. ;-):-)
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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lenny, michael and rob, thanks.
lenny got to see a picture of what i look like this week and uhmmm ... NO, lol. no way am i posting that atrocity...
michael, i will certainly try to do these things. it would be so, so easy to let the thorazine just swallow me up, but i haven't, not yet...
i got a B- on the anatomy exam this past tuesday. this is normally good, except for the med. field, we have to have a B or higher to "pass." i am most upset by that, and next week test is the hardest of the whole term. so guess what i'm doing this weekend? letting anatomy swallow me whole instead of meds, ehehe.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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lenny, michael and rob, thanks.
lenny got to see a picture of what i look like this week and uhmmm ... NO, lol. no way am i posting that atrocity...
michael, i will certainly try to do these things. it would be so, so easy to let the thorazine just swallow me up, but i haven't, not yet...
i got a B- on the anatomy exam this past tuesday. this is normally good, except for the med. field, we have to have a B or higher to "pass." i am most upset by that, and next week test is the hardest of the whole term. so guess what i'm doing this weekend? letting anatomy swallow me whole instead of meds, ehehe.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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You're simply way too cute for that.
Don't let that evil thorazine swallow you up, just be cool and work diligently on succeeding in your education. You're smart, you can do it. I'm here, rooting for you.
Since you did not want to show you, I will show something I saw today... Lookie... DUCKS!
Sorry, my cam doesn't have a landscape setting, so you'll have to tilt your heads to the left to see it properly, lol! Sorry about that.
The pic was taken around 18:15, and the sun was just about to set, or maybe it was just below the horizon already, but if so it wasn't by much because it was still pretty bright outside as witnessed by the pic you should see.
Hugs:
-L
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Attachment: Ducks2.jpg
(Size: 16.67KB, Downloaded 314 times)
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Rubber ducky, youre the one....
Makes my bathtime lots of fun....
And so on....
LOL
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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No Message Body
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Attachment: ducksgif.gif
(Size: 43.04KB, Downloaded 339 times)
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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robert bryce
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Really getting into it |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 414
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I will personally petition the cliffhanger god to send you,beauty girl,ten bazillion cliffhangers if you dont send US a photo NOW !!!....rob..;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D ;-D
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*voulenteers!* 
Leave the camera rolling... 
Re: send me an angel. 
Girl, you could never be an atrocity! Never! 
