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This past weekend I spent the whole weekend with my dad and my sister. My dad is leaving for smith country to spend the winter there. He will probably be back for a few days at Christmas, but otherwise I wont see him till next summer.
I have been reflecting on my feelings about my family and something stuck me as a bit different. When I was younger and not out to my friends and family, I would not have spent more than a few hours with them and would have retreated to home to be alone and safe, usually depressed as well. But I found that after I was honest with my family, our relationship changed. It changed for the better. I really wanted to be with them, I wanted to spend as much time as I could with my dad, and my sister and her family. Now I don't think that I didn't love them before, but with hiding who I was I think I didn't know how to love them.
They are different too. My dad was the last one in my immediate family to find out about me. Much of my family thought he might be violent with me because of his frequent comments about 'cocksuckers' and things like that I heard my whole life. Once I did finally tell him he was really great about it. I was and still am a memeber of PFLAG "Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays" and most of the members of the local office knew I was distressed about telling dad. A few weeks after I told him I brought him to a PFLAG meeting. One of the things they do at each meeting is one by one every person stands up and tells their name and something relevant about themselves. We were in the front row. The first man next to me stood up and said "My name is Steve, and I have a lesbian daughter". The I said "My name is Kevin and I am gay". after that my dad stood up and said "I'm Kevins dad, and I am very proud of him". The entire audience rose to their feet in a standing ovation. I couldn't hold it in, I silently broke down in tears and hugged my dad. It was one of the best days in my life.
We start out so afraid, afraid of losing the love we need from the ones we love. Taking that risk, can be the best thing some of us will ever do.
Not every story is perfect, and we need to be ready and have a support system of friends when we decide to come out. But if your just considering it, know that it can lead to more love and acceptance than you could dream of having before.
Oh and by the way, dad doesn't use those words anymore.
Do any of you have a positive experience with your friends or family?
I would love to hear some.
Live, Love and be yourself,
Kevin ::-)
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Perhaps the most interesting is getting back in touch with a mate I used to sail and canloe with when we were teens. I hadn't seen Ray since about 1973. A long time not to see someone. We gradually lost touch, and each regretted it.
In the late 60s and early 70s I taught sailing and he taught canoeing on the Thames. He did it for a living, I did it for fun.
We got back in touch via a friendship website, and started talking by email. I somehow ended up telling him "I am gay". He emailed me back. "I know. I've always known".
He was, all through his life, not homophobic, but homo-intolerant, and perhaps nervous in case someone wanted him, I think. But he has always known I was gay. "How?"
he worte back with two words. A girl's name. Th esister of his girlfriend. This girl was unavailable, but fancied me something awful. And she gave herself to me on a maked and horizontal plate. Only I couldn't eat my dinner, so to speak. That's how Ray knew that timmy was different. You see, she was desired by all the boys. No exceptions.
Since we got back in touch he's learnt a great deal about the realities of homosexuality, and it helps him when he counsels kids at his local church. He knows, now, the pain and horror of growing up different.
And though he "always knew" he hadn;t been able to put words to what he knew until I told him.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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You know before finding this site I did not know any gay people. only me and no one knows I am gay but me and the people here. So I never had a chance to know that other people had the same problems as I do. Like you I always avoided spending too much time with family members to avoid any questions. I know how you felt. What I don’t know is how it must feel to be accepted by those in your family. My dad is now well into his seventies and I know that there is NO WAY I could tell him. He always said the same things your dad did but with what I am sure is much more hate in his tone. My mother is in her late sixties although they are no longer together she still has the same feelings as he does.
I always thought that after they were gone I would be able to tell the rest of the family. At this point in time I don’t know if that is still possible. Now that I have kids. I don’t think I will out live them. But maybe someday I will get the courage before it is to late
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Tony, part of my reason for sharing such a personal story about my past is to let someone else know that it is not always as bad as it is in our heads. I was the same way. My Dad was very hatefilled in his words as well. It just turned out that his love for me was stronger than his hate of gays.
My family now tells me they have learned so much from me and the are greatful. Never in my wildest fantasy was this even a glint of a thought. Your situation might not go perfect, but it also might not be as bad as your think.
I am not telling you to take a step your not ready for. I need to make that clear. Just giving you some food for thought.
The decision is yours, and you need to feel comfortable with it before you take that step. Just know you have some friends here that will support you no matter what you choose to do.
Love and hugs to you,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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It was in anger that I told my mother, in sorrow I told the man whom the boy I loved became, and with increasing confidence the people I later chose and choose to tell.
I wanted to tell my father, but he died in 1982. I never feel he woudl have listened, but I am a bigger man (spiritually) than he was. So it woudl have worked out fine.
Age has nothing to do with it. Tell them or not to meet your own needs, never theirs.
My son knows. I told him when he was 15. He teases me about it.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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It strikes me as almost unbelievably arrogant for any girl to assume that she is so universally attractive to men that any man declining a sexual invitation from her must be gay.
In any case, if as you say the girl was "unavailable" then surely it would have been a breach of etiquette to have done otherwise than to decline her invitation to "dinner"?
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Oh it was to everyone else she was unavailable. Me she was all over like a rash. Good looking girl, too.
I did try to eat my dinner. I really did. But the smell of fish was overpowering.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Would that be like eating day old sushi?
Shivvers.
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Doesn't necessarily follow that you like meat, does it?
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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There were only about 50 meat dishes I wanted to taste. And all I tasted was fish
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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No Message Body
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No Message Body
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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