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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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This is cross posted from my online journal. I thought maybe it'd prove useful, interesting or something of the sort, some feedback would be nice, although I've really already drawn my own conclusions, but still, anything anyone has to add- feel free!
I've been selfish..... Ignorantly and stupidly so.... I just got off talking to my Mum who has been talking to my uncle. My uncle is still pissed off at me because I still owe him money, sure, we probably all know that. However, really I should have just paid him back already, as much as I can try to pass it off on not getting enough work, really it is my own fault, I could have had more work if I wanted to, but I was just not motivated enough to get it. Lack of motivation is one of my weaknesses which I have, sure, while we can never totally overcome all our weaknesses I should have a least made more of an effort. The emotion strain my debt to my uncle is putting on my Mum, Nan and the rest of my family is really unfair. Mum even mentioned her and Nan loaning me the money (condition free and interest free) so I could appease my uncle, but really, how selfish would it be of me to accept it. They'd be putting themselves further behind their debts, struggling to help me pay off mine just because I haven't got more work. Not to mention my trip to America.
Chris (who isn't even family yet) is going to be paying for me to go to the USA, he is a student and isn't rich. He has to work until 11 pm some nights in order to save up enough money for me and everyone to go (he's paying for Mum and my brother, too) and while I am grateful to him, obviously I am not grateful enough. Surely I could have at least double the pitiful amount of work I have now so I could pay him back, even if only partially. Plus, unless I pay my uncle back the trip will probably be dampened slightly because everyone will be uptight about my uncle finding out I went on some extravegant trip when I haven't even payed him back my debts.
I guess growing up I never really had any responsibility, things weren't easy, sure, I was never spoilt, but I never had to manage my own money. I always had my basic living expenses provided for, without needing to think twice, even if sometimes luxuries were a little thin. I don't know if this is something everyone goes through, they have to really experience what others are willing to sacrifice for them before they mature and realise they have a responsibility to provide for themselves, at least. Maybe some people just realise what is required to give back to people, but it took a lesson that has almost turned quite bitter in order for me to realise it. Perhaps this is the first time I have felt true responsibility in life, Maybe now I finally realise why so many people get up and go to work every day. Pity it has taken almost 6 months in Japan, plus a University drop out to learn it, but maybe now I'm finally starting to become an adult.
So, where from here? Well, I already have about half the money I owe my uncle saved up, not including the money I borrowed from him to buy my luggage bags and stuff I needed to come here. I'll be getting paid from Jonathan's School sometime soon, after which I'll try and fully pay off my debt from my time in Japan, to him. After that I won't have much money left, and I'll probably be living on very cheap food for a month, but hopefully my visa will be approved so I can start looking for more work so I can actually eat and also have some spending money for in USA and all should be well in the world.
Recently I have had my uncle blocked and only been talking to him occasionally by email, I have been scared of him, true and I don't think I have matured from living in fear of him, in fact I wouldn't be suprised if it has taken me longer to understand this lesson because I've been living in fear of him. Hopefully things will go smoothly with my uncle and I catch him on a good day so he is not so angry. I would like to perhaps try and patch up my relationship with him, but if that isn't possible I guess I'll settle for being out of his debt and have a neutral relationship with him. Despite his bad reaction, I still did wrong, even though I didn't intend to. It's more that I was just ignorant, only now am I starting to get an idea of the importance of money and the responsibility that comes from being an adult.
I wonder if this is the last hurdle before the TRUE transition between child and adult, once this idea has fully pentrated and become a driving force in my life I wonder if I'll have lost the last bit of my childhood. I guess I wish I had learnt the lesson sooner, though and that it had been easier, but I guess then I probably wouldn't have learnt it so well. The lesson of responbility to look after yourself, to provive for at LEAST yourself, if not for a family too, is quite a difficult one. My Mum learnt the lesson by getting pregnant with me and having responsibility thrust upon her, I learnt it by realising how much of a burden I was being to people by being in debt to a family member. I hope all my friends learn it when the time is right, too. Those that are still young, though, forget it and enjoy life, you still have much to gain from being young before having to grow up and just hope you don't lose too much of that youth.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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Just cool it a bit with all the childadult juxtapositions okay, because the best adults are those that are still kids to some extent, or at least have a close connection with their inner child.
Bad adults are those that only worry about 'adult' things such as money and their job and stuff like that and ignore all that they thought was important while they were still a fun and interesting person, ie: a kid. 
One doesn't have to abandon all of that to be responsible, I guess it might help, but that only turns you into a surly boor of a person that hates children.
So rather, try to concentrate on being responsible, rather than being adult, okay? One does not require the other, so there's no reason to strive for both. ;-D
On a side-note: are you still in Japan? When do you leave for the US, and for how long?
Take care!
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Well, yeah, that was sort of a 'in the moment' thing, I don't think for a second that I am going to lose any other aspect of myself, nor try and be less kiddie. I'm just more talking about the transition from kid to adult, rather than playing them off against each other. I'm not going to be any more tame, I'm just going to do more, instead of expecting others to do it for me.
I was always a smart kid, which was good in some ways, yet bad in others. Throughout all school I had the 'good results with minimum effort' philosophy instead of 'excellent results with substantial effort'. It served me well as a kid, but it is time to break out of that routine, because as an 18 year old, sure things CAN work like that, but it really isn't a good way to live. I strive for greatness, afterall.
Oh, and I forgot that you guys don't know everything I mentioned in my previous journal entries. I am still in Japan, yeah, my visa expires in a week or so, but I've applied for an extension... Fingers crossed. But yeah, heading to the States on a family trip with my Mum and bro from 17th Jan- 12th Feb, which should be cool. Gonna see LA, Vegas and Utah, primarily...
Anyway, hope that covers everything ;-D
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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I think owning up to what the problem really is about is growing up. It takes some much longer than it did for you to figure that out. So be proud of yourself and continue to do what you know is right.
Also, don't block him. Even though it is scary. If you showed him this post of yours, I think he would come around. Just talk to him. What can it hurt? Honesty is almost always the best policy.
Anyway, I am proud of you too.
Hope all goes the way you wish,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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