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so i went and did something, quite impulsively, although it comes from things i've been thinking about almost since day one.
everyone tells me oh, i'm worth so much more than this and that, that i deserve this and that, etc. and so on until the head spins so fast that you don't realise you aren't getting what they say you're worth.
so i step back from something, because for words that get said it still seems so empty. and empty isn't the right word, but if you're going to tell someone you love them, i just ... i don't know. it stings to be hidden and it aches to not hear a voice, and it feels strange to feel lame and pushy if i dare ask for these things. things that would be assumed commonplace in an exclusive relationship where the three magic words are being said from the heart, not just the fingers.
but i've apparently made a mistake. i seriously didn't think it'd be taken how it was apparently taken, because yes, the love is real, and i don't doubt that, but what else is there? i mean am i really selfish and daft because i think text and occasional mails can only mean so much, offer so much? i print them out and they are under my pillow for when i wake up from dreams that He has killed shiloh, or someone has killed me or there's biochemical warfare or whatever random nightmares i have no one cares to hear about. when i'm just flat out alone. it's the downfall to every LD relationship, but it doesn't have to be. they take more work, that's the truth, so then i'm selfish for giving up. but i didn't exactly give up, so much as this is what happens when i sit on things; how i feel and what i'm seeing, because i'm always afraid to say anything for fear of being a pest or annoying. or too demanding. but the things that'd be 'demands' i just see as .... needed.
but then again, crazy people see things all fucked up.
i shouldn't even be posting this here, but i've apparently caused something really really bad, and i wouldn't be hearing back anywhere else, i'm sure. so i'm sorry. if i'm wrong, you know who you are, then say i'm wrong. tell me i'm making a mistake, that what i see is wrong, that at least one of the "someday's" is more than just a pipe dream. i'm sorry i'm such an idiot that i need to have something more solid than paper that gets tattered and smudged beneath and atop my pillow.
i'm just sorry.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Usually there is nothing that can't be put right.
Sounds like you or they read too much into some words. It happens. So unhappen it.
You're "worth" what you make yourself. No big deal. Just get back to where you should be and sort it out.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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probably me. doing the reading too much, that is. or i should just say what i want/need to when the moment is there, instead of being scared or sitting on it. that always makes it worse.
i'll unhappen it if i'm able. but i honestly don't blame the person if they refuse any further contact with me. they might be better off.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Might be better off? OK. But as a "given" only they can judge this.
So, if you judge it for them you deny them the right to determine their destiny. So, they might be better off, or might not. It isn't your call.
The hard reality is, it's their call. And you are stuck with their call, whatever the outcome. Not so bad, really.
Now hold it differently. For you, your reaction to them is your call. Not theirs. No-one can make you react in any way at all. Except you, yourself.
So, come back to reality. You can do your bit to sort the issues out. If you choose. They can do the same. If they choose. And if you both choose, then you can continue whateve the relationship was, but with new information about what it is now.
The only thing you know for 90% sure: it isn't how you imagined it was.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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thanks, timmy.
i did my part, and sincerely; with all of me. whatever the outcome, i think i've learnt my lesson, if i've lost what i might have.
i wish you were my father.. *hugs*
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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give me an inch, and i make a mess. 
Why so hard on yourself? 
