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but you guys've become family, and i've done something terrible, i'd like to think i can get it out here (since there's other things that ARE board related i'm scared/nervous to post about here). and i've nowhere else to go, because the 'eating disorder' board (geared and split toward both recovery and non) i go to, in my efforts to self-recover, i asked the administrators to please block me from viewing/posting in the active-ED forums. i can only see recovery oriented things, and posting this sort of thing there might trigger or upset people. my time there now is limited, anyway.
warning, bad language. also, if this is too unrelated or too .. bad, it can be gotten rid of.
also, i know that my MOTHER contacted some of you in the past and i ask this NOT be relayed to her or anything insane like that, becuase i don't intend to make this a habit. again. but --
i just binged 17 ounces of cake. well not JUST, but an hour ago. 17 ounces of cake is a WHOLE fucking cake, like, 9 inches by 9 inches.
then i had 3 fucking cookies atop that and then i puked it all up and kept on going until it was coming out clear and spit-like, and i have to pick shi up in 10 minutes, my eyes look like i've been crying or rubbing or grinding them and they're bloodshot inside and outside (does that make sense) and i feel so disgusting.
recovery WHAT? THIS is the kind of fucking shit that happens when i try to recover too fast or too int3ensely or too whatever. i DO want to recover and i HAVE to for my daughter but THIS is what happens when i force myself to eat X amount, healthily: i feel guilty, i starve, then i buy a GOD DAMN WHOLE CAKE for the whole intent of binging it to make the hunger pain go away and then FUCKING PUKING IT BACK UP.
jesus GOD. the amount of exercise i'll have to do to make up for that, purge or NOT, is insane. i cannot do this again because if my electrolytes go crazy and i land in the ER for things related to this again, i'm gone. they're going to put me in patient and i cannot do that, i can't i can't. so yes that means don't be stupid and immature and don't do ita gain, i WAS and have been losing weight while actually eating food like a normal person so i don't NEED to do this so it's simple and logical but i couldn't help it
:'-( :'-( :'-(
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I have no idea how to help, but it is totally relevant. help is needed, and i am at a loss over how to give it, but we all will if we can.
If you know what may help you, try us out
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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In some cases deadly serious even. Hopefully not for you, but serious still.
Anyway, with that in mind, there's this saying you know... One that goes, 'try to look at things from the bright side'.
So with THAT in mind, and you knowing how much I care about you, I simply can't help myself asking - because too much serious stuff is just so depressing - this probably rather frivolous question... I hope it doesn't make you angry or upset or anything.
At least tell me - before I start to worry madly over you - did it taste good?
Warm comfy hugs:
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Heathyr, we are always here for you. I hope you know that. You are as big a part of our lives as you say we are of yours...
Be at peace girl. Know we are thinking of you, and caring about our 'girliminal'....
You know we all love you... or I hope you do.. especially me.... you were so kind to me when I started coming here... I only wish the same back to you... all the peace and kindness and health that life offers.
I love you, girl....
Hugs, Smiles, Kisses, Peace and Sunshine !!!!
Bam:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
Celebrate your life... embrace your love... Become intimate with your place in forever !!!
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hehe .. not angry, not at all, silly boy.
it didn't taste bad, didn't taste good. i am assuming you mean the eating before the other stuff? i really didn't taste much at all, after the first two bites. then it becomes 'finish it as fast as possible otherwise it'll be here for days and days to eat and eat' and the taste goes away. so it's even more pointless, beyond health reasons.
i won't be doing it again. i said that last time, i know, but i've never done it to this extent before, and i'm not sure what caused it to happen to that extent, and looking back on it, it makes no sense whatsoever and i don't feel any better. i can't "heal this" overnight, and if i could find a decent therapist i'd go to one.
i will email you later today.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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thank you paul. hugs for you, and timmy too.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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It's not eating for the taste, it's like, eating for the sake of eating, right? I haven't been there myself so it's not familiar territory for me. I just thought you seemed so sad (which is understandable), and I tried to be a little light-hearted to maybe take your mind off things.
I'll be thinking of you today.
Take care.........
{{{Huuuggs}}}
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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you did, sweetie, don't worry! *hugs*
i just emailed you, by the by. our power is out and i have 60 percent power left on my battery, so i wanted to hurry and send it before it drains all the way out.
thanks for your thoughts, too. i'll be thinking of you thinking of me. hey, that could become a crazy circle, don't you think?!  ) ::-)
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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H.
if you ever feel the need to do that again...call me first...I'll walk out of class I don't care, you are more important than anything I can learn in class!
I'm glad that you are feeling better and I really appreciate you calling me. Like I told you on the phone I was going to call you later that night, how wild is that ....do we share a brain sometimes????? We "seem to share a mom" why not "our brains" too heheheh.
(((((hugs tight)))))
Danielle
"To the world you may be but one person, but to one person you may be the world!"
"Some people love you and some hate you.. those who hate don't know what they're missing and they're missing out!"
"Never underestimate your power to change yo
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Yes it does, Heathyr..... 
I guess I knew what you were going to say... 
