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(this is pasted from my livejournal locked-entry.)
...i was sexually harrassed. like not just cat-calling bullshit, like i'm still scared shitless bullshit. it goes like this.
i'm walking across the quarter to get into the building, and there are people around, like always. i walk past this guy on the path, and half-turn to like, move out of his way, and when we pass he turns around and fucking GRABBED my ASS. so then i turn around and am glaring and pissy and i say, LOUDLY, "I KNOW YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT, FUCKER." and people were staring and he just gave me a dumb look, and i'm like ok whatever. so then i continue inside. to get to my anatomy class: it's in the E-wing, which is pretty far off from the main entrance i use. i was about 40 minutes early, and with baker being class-attendance nazi's, the halls are pretty much empty. so i round the second to last corner to get to the science hall, where i usually sit and read or something, and hello, wall corner! i end up there with mr. fred durst wanna-be look alike pinning me BY the SHOULDERS with his KNEE between MY LEGS. so i think i turned to stone and started shaking and i thought i might puke. meanwhile, he's hissing all this shit about 'bitch, i DID," and some other stuff about walking around like a snob (WTF?!) and whatever. and he's grinding on me and all up in my face and then i thought i was going to cry.
but at baker, there's camera's in every hallway, twice as many depending on what parking-lot that particular hall or wing is near. it wasn't even like, FIVE MINUTES and a security guard comes barreling around the corner on a walkie talkie, and fred durst (whose name is actually brent M-something) went for the door on the other end of the hall but didn't make it. so i had to fill out a complaint and sexual harrassment report, a police officer was called in, and according to baker's nazi policy of which i will never again rip into, he will be expelled.
interesting post-script to this mess is that before i got rid of stellarfusion, this SN, closer384358 (something with numbers) would IM me all the time, saying he found me off livejournal. supposedly his name was gabriel (hmm) and he went to school at GVSU (40 miles away). but he acted real ... odd. but i never gave out any personal info or anything like that, not even that i'm a mom. just that i live in muskegon, which is already obvious. nothing about what i am going to school for, or even where.
so i'm sitting here and haven't quite processed any of it, other than the fact that i was stupid and turned into 14 year old heathyr in a matter of like, five seconds. nevermind that i have steel-toed boots on, or that my keys were still in my hand, or anything like that. no .. i'm going to freeze up like a god damned deer in headlights and tremble and almost cry like an idiot! fucking disgusting.
it also makes me realise i should maybe go back to dressing like i weigh 50 pounds more than i really do. because now i'm really nervous about my body, which is still a gross mess as it is, but people/friends/family are all 'oh but if you wear stuff actually your SIZE you'd look so much better,' so i do and then shit happens that never had prior, and maybe isn't even the case, but it's all about preventative measures.
or i wish i was a guy. because baker is predominantly homophobic, which is sad, but true. it wouldn't have happened then. more and more, lately, i want less and less to be female. for various reasons really having nothing to do with this and i'm nervous to post about.
i have a big headache and want to puke, and i have 2 perscriptions that need to be refilled. thank GOD thanksgiving break is all next week, even if i have a big-ass take-home exam for anatomy (which i was 30 minutes late for, because of this shit today .. did i say that already?). i don't HAVE to do it--i could use it as my drop-grade, and do an extra credit project, which would bring my class grade up to a 99 percent (i got a low B on tuesday's exam which has lowered said class grade to 94, which i expected because i didn't study AT ALL). i think i'll do that. we're on digestive bull. i can find an article about crohn's or something that i know much about, and make it all flashy. go me. go me babbling about bullshit because i'm all ?!#@$(# and keep touching clavicles i was happy about two days ago because the points at the throat and shoulders are now hardcore visible, and now i want to just cover them up. maybe i could start dressing like a bag lady and stop taking showers...
but i <3 baker college. their security, annoying as they are in the parking lot, is like, superb. and they're fast. and very thorough. go baker. :-/
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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I am happy though that you didn't get hurt (physically). As far as dressing down. Bull crap. Dress to be happy. People like that are few and far between and the liklyhood that it would happen again are nil.
I am so pleased that the ass hole will be expelled. You chould consider filing charges of assault as well.
One is the lonliest number.
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You know my thoughts on this already, just wanted to drop you a line saying it's only human to freeze up in a scary situation... Guys OFTEN do that too you know!
It's crazy maniacs that get all livid, nice sensitive guys are just as likely to get all shaky and paralyzed as anyone else...and who wants to be a crazy maniac, really?
Small comfort right now I guess, but maybe it's worth something after all.
So sorry this had to happen to you, I really am, but try to take care now of yourself anyway, PLEASE.
Love n hugs.
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13801
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a full assault complaint is worth it. Screw him! he's just not worth wiping off the sole of your shoe.
BUT
It is also stressful. And that isn't necessarily worth it
So balance and choose. And having chosen pursue either action or inaction with pride. And without regret.
hugs tight
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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My instinct is to make light of this and make some silly joke about how attractive you are. But this is a serious issue. You do need to be careful. A-holes like that are all over the place. They seem to be more prominent in what I call 'sexualy supressed' areas. God knows most of the USA fits that description.
Be careful, protect yourself. But I say (please excuse my language in this post) f--- em, dress to what you feel makes you look good. Don't let em tell you you cannot be pretty. That would let them win. And by the way, you ARE pretty.
Much love to you,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Wow, that must have been awful, I really don't know what it'd feel like to be in a situation like that, the closet I've been is treading on eggshells with angry family members. I'm glad that it was resolved though and I hope you can get over it okay.
I don't think being a guy would make things THAT much better, in some ways it'd make it worse. Just because a school is homophobic, that doesn't mean you are free from the chance of being assaulted by a guy if you're a guy. Not to mention the fact that if you were assaulted quite often it is harder to put away one's masculine pride and do something about it.
As for what you wear, well, honestly I'm not going to say 'just wear what you want and screw everyone else', because you should feel comfortable in what you wear, which also means not being scared. Then again, feeling comfortable also means feeling that you look good, so it is a trade off, I guess. Wearing more revealing clothing doesn't make you guilty for any form of assault, but it is possible that the likelihood is higher if you do look nicer. I'm sure lots of people that wear unrevealing clothing are assaulted as well, though, so dressing like a bag lady won't necessarily protect you.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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i am sorry to know that this kind of crap still happens. Glad you are ok.I guess there is something to be said for those spy cams that seem to be all over these days. and good to know that someone is actually watching out for that kind of thing and was able to help.
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i haven't like, replied individually for the sake of board clutter, and i'm in one of those .. shell-moods. i feel like i'm bothering some, that others don't want to speak for me for reasons i think i've found out, and generally (and stupidly) paranoid. it'll pass though.
today i'm going to exercise like a mad woman to hopefully at least two QAF episodes back to back (appox. 90 minutes or so) and then take very long, very hot bath that will hopefully take me through to when shi gets home and provides needed and adorable distraction.
but again, thanks you guys.. really.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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e
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On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
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Wow, that must have been a really awful experience. It's no wonder you are shaken up by it. I hope you can fell better and get on with being you soon.
Never mind that you were scared. Freezing up may have saved you from even more harm. Fighting back would have put him in a position where he would have to fight or run and with assholes like that, fighting is often the option of choice. So being a man, or even just acting like one, might have caused even more harm. I've been in several situations where fighting was what I really wanted to do, but getting out alive or unharmed was just more important so instead, I backed down or just tolerated the situation. I've let the other guy win more times than I care to admit just because I didn't think it was worth the conflict.
As you said, sometimes there are things you can do to make yourself less of a target. Dressing down is one, but it shouldn't dictate your lifestyle. Pick when and where you should dress down based on the safety of the situation. School seems to have good security, so it is probably safe to dress up there. Walk to and from parking lots with friends. Stuff like that. There is one thing that I would point out though. If some jerk is harrassing you, just ignore it. Don't talk back. Don't call names or hurl insults. That's probably why he followed you. I know it's tempting and you probably had no idea that he would do such a thing, but there are some crazy and really stupid (he must be both) people out there. Next time just keep on walking. I hope I'm not sounding like I'm lecturing, I just wanted to point out how you made yourself a target so you can avoid such things in the future. It wouldn't have stopped him from copping a feel, but it probably wouldn't have escalted into a full fledged assault.
{{{HUGS}}}
Think good thoughts,
e
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-- is i wasn't really dressed "in"appropriately. how i used to dress = ground-length skirts with some kind of hippie-shirt or wifebeater or something, if it's summer and i feel like being a girl; typical skater attire when i don't, and when it's not summer. usually everything is at least 3 sizes too big.
how i've come to dress recently is really exactly the same, it's just things fit. what i was wearing yesterday was a pair of like, i don't know, jeans. low-riding but not SHOWING anything, boot-cut and a little too long. button-down pin-stripe shirt, i left my fedora at home. case in point i was dressed normal, i thought, but it was day 2 of dressing in what my mom likes to dub 'real clothes' as opposed to 'bags and blankets.'
i'm pretty sure clothing had little to do with it. i don't know what had to do with it, it was probably random. and you're right that i shouldn't have done anything, i just wish i'd have had the mind TO do something, at the time, rather than an hour later. i don't like that i freeze up in situations like that, like i did before.
so the natural thing to do then, is to take it beyond campus policy and the expulsion, and file charges with the police department, as they encouraged i do. redeem that little girl who didn't do jack shit when she was 14, when she could have put four guys away who thought they were smart to anally fuck her since she was a virgin, and this way there'd be No Proof. except there would have been, there STILL IS (won't go into that. bet i've rattled enough cages with that last line as is), and i could have had all four of them put away. instead, i waited seven years to open my mouth, only to be half listened to, and then hushed because certain family couldn't stand to hear it. so there was, really, no redemption. nor was there, really, when my cousin and shiloh's father got me out of that mess, and i got to watch in a rearview mirror while j. had the crap kicked out of him, then packed on up with an item i won't mention, but landed him with a colostomy bag. i thought that would help (it DID finally get me away from them), having them receive what they gave, but it didn't. and i still live in paranoia about that whole night today.
so yeah, i should report it to the cops. maybe that'd be closure. i'd be strong and i'd be doing something, la di da. except then it will probably go to the papers, there'll be investigation, maybe a trial, maybe i'd have to sit there and whine in front of a courtroom that i got pushed against a wall and touched and hissed at for five minutes or so. and i decided this morning that i can't do that, i'm not going to. i don't need a courtroom drama and people up in my face to feel better. i either will feel better, or i won't. let it die, or let it fester in holes that got torn into me that turned black. in a week or so i won't lose sleep over it anymore. to me it's enough that he got his ass kicked out of school with a set of three signatures, triplicate. maybe he was close to graduating? maybe he wasn't. but i fucked his term up, and possible whatever path he was on.
that's enough for me.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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I'll always talk to you, you don't ever need to be paranoid about ME! *giggle*
You're stuck with me, hehehe! 
HUGGGSS!
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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yeah......meeeeeee tooooooo
(((((((hugs tight))))))))
Ducky
"To the world you may be but one person, but to one person you may be the world!"
"Some people love you and some hate you.. those who hate don't know what they're missing and they're missing out!"
"Never underestimate your power to change yo
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