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We have all had feelings or thoughts that we felt were ... well maybe a weakness ... or a failing of our own.
For me I have a few that have to do with things (some of which I don't even know where they come from) from my past, or even from places I can't even let myself know about.
Death is a hard thing for me. I took many years before I was able to support my family at funerals (and to this point I have skipped all but the two most recent ones). Another for me is love, or more to the point being "in love". I have always defined being "in love" as loving someone and having them love your back. I have loved, and I have been loved, but never at the same time, at least not yet.
Do any of you have feelings that ... well become part of you? Maybe a part you wish wasn't there? I figure maybe some of you feel things like that too, or am I the only one?
Curious Kev
::-)
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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no, you're not the only one.. you know some of mine, some you don't, yet, but i'd hoped to share.
feelings that i have that are integrated, that i wish weren't:
indifference; or moreather, the fact that i pretend, a lot, that i don't care or feel, to the point sometimes it is that way. othertimes, i just know i pretend, a lot, and don't like that i do. but it's become habit.
paranoia
resignation.
whatever word/feeling would define self-hatred to more than unhealthy levels.
whatever word/feeling would describe the fear of growing up.
is this what you were looking for?
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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for that thing that makes us all kinda the same. You have feelings like that, I do too.
Perhaps we are not alone.
That kinda makes it seem a little easier to deal with.
Love to you,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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My weakness... I try to be more appealing.
A lot of how I live is about image, but it gets to be too much for me sometimes. In my own way, I look like a nun trying to be Kylie Minogue.
You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet
You went to a better place but He stole you away from me
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My biggest weakness is I am to dam self-conscious. I am always concerned with what other people think. I just can't stand the thought that someone does not like me. Don't know where that comes from but it has always been there :-/
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Everyone has their fobias. Everyone has their limits as far as how they deal with social issues and faliliar responsibilities. To think that what limits you set are bad in any way is counterproductive to your own personal well being. For one important moment consider that it is these differences within each of us that make us not only who we are as individuals, but what we are as a community.
Don't try to be any different and don't expect others to change to your specifications. If change is to occur it is as a result of growing not by mandate.
Change happens, it always does. Most times though it is so very subtle that it is not noticable.
One is the lonliest number.
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I think that my most pressing weakness is honesty. Not that I am dishonest, or go out of my way to be dishonest. No. For many years I lived behind the mask of lies. Not only the big one about being attracted to other males, but smaller, more complex and irksome lies. Lies that kept me safe, hidden, secret.
And for a long time, I struggled with letting go of those lies while similarly keeping some things safe and protected. I am honest now as a conscious effort. It became too easy for a while there to let the lie run my existance. I guess it breaks down to wanting to have your own honor back, and in order to do that, you need to keep yourself honest to yourself.
As far as feeling things too much, too deeply or too fully to be able to express them, well, that too was part of my lie. These days I am often more honest than some people are prepared to accept, in which case I often choose to say nothing rather than get under others' skins. Not an easy task some days, I tell ya. When you learn how to tune in to people, to trust your instincts and your "sixth sense" a little more, you find that honesty is more or less a requirement. You just go with what you feel, no matter how brutal, deep, painful or joyous it is. I guess that's why I answer to questions like this. I just can't help it.
I know what you mean about accepting death as a natural part of life. I fought against that a lot too. No specifics need be given here, Kevy. I have the feeling that there is something really important changing in your life right now. Something you'd rather didn't change.
And you have a lot to give and grow of yourself as well Girl. Self hate is a tough enough thing. Learning to find the hate as a guidepost to where you want to go, that's the first and hardest step. Acceptance of who we are gives you the touchstone to where you want to go. Sadly, none but you yourself can identify that place, that feeling to start from. I hope you do find it. That path lies before you, leading forwards, not back.
Guess I'd better pass around the soap box so others can say their piece. So, in closing, yes Kevin, there are those out there that feel and think and hope and pray and yearn and emote as you do. And we are all just a few keystokes away, a few dial tones into the future, and just a step around the corner. I know that privacy is important, but so is makeing that connection, seeing the same thing in someone else's eyes and realizing through their perspective that things aren't as bad as you probably thought they were.
My shoulder's usually dry if you need a cry. And I, like many others here, will listen if you just ask for time. Good luck finding your answers, Kevy. We're all routing for you.
D'Artagnon
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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No-one believes me, but I am shy. Very shy.
yet I look like the life and soul of any party.
But I am and always have been shy.
Take next week. Sunday i drive to a town i have never been to, to meet a client who is paying me an awesome sum of money to tell them how to run a part of their business. It's a job I have never done before. I have no fallback plan, nothing in the way of experience. I am staying in a hotle miles form anywhere, and I succeed or fail by talking to them.
And I am shy, but will have to do the old bonhommie bit. And wine and dine them and stuff.
All I want to do is to curl up with a good book. Or with someone who has read one. And I have 5 days, 250 miles from home.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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people think that i'm arrogant, that i'm careless and thoughtless, everything else in the range of indifference.
the main problem is that i let them.
whereas i firmly stand behind the fact that i am exactly as how i portray myself online, it's easier, when online, to obviously go past the Introductory Phase of things. what i mean is, first impressions work differently with friends i've made here. then, when i happen to be lucky enough to meet some of them in person, they don't see that part of me.
i should stop letting people do this, but it's a nice cushion, a comfortable defense (even if it means people slamming you into walls and calling you a conceited bitch, some days), and the more i receive certain coachings from a certain someone, the easier it gets.
the one part they all overlook is that i do have compassion, i can show love. i couldn't be a mother, otherwise. i couldn't love my friends. i simply show it differently.
speaking of which, it's become spring cleaning time.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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