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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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- Why did you get married?
- How satisfactory is it?
- Is it a state of completeness, or is there a lack?
- What would you advise a gay or bisexual person considering marriage based on our own experiences?
- Is it posisble or even desirable to repress urges for male/male love and sex?
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I got married because, at that time, she was my best friend, the feeling was mutual, and we didn't want to be separated.
It was very satisfactory up until the time she told me she didn't love me any more. For me, it was a bolt out of the blue. I thought we were growing old happy and together.
During the time we were together, I felt complete. When she left an enormous hole was created. I think now it was more the loss of my children more than the lose of her, but there is still a place in my heart for her.
I wouldn't recommend marriage to anyone without knowing both parties involved.
No, it isn't possible to repress urges for male/male sex. I thought I had, but even while married, I still looked at men.
Hugs, Charlie
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May I presume to answer even tho I have never been married? (To a woman, that is).
If the marriage produces growth, fulfillment, and satisfaction for both parties, then I am for it. No matter what other choices are then NOT made. One cannot walk down all possible roads in life, and choices must be made!
But if marriage is undertaken for purposes of fear, or repression, or evasion of something else, then it isn't fair to either partner, and will produce problems and pain aplenty, sooner or later.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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nemesis
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Getting started |
Location: Born in England
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 2
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I think that originally I married out of loneliness and because the woman who is now my wife loved me very much. I was always too scared to be openly gay - still am. If my wife and I have been together for more than 30 years it must be satisfactory from her point of view. I have always felt that there was something very important to my soul that was missing.
My advice: only do it if the woman is as fantastic as my wife is  ! I only wish I could return her love in as complete a measure as she gives. But I can't because there is a part of me that has an unsatisfied yearning that can not be stilled.
In my experience it is completely impossible (and therefore undesirable) to repress urges for male/male love. However, whether or not you act on the recognised urges is a matter of circumstance. I never have, and despite the happiness and contentment that my family life gives me I regret never having experienced the kind of love/sex that my soul craves for so much.
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mihangel
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Likes it here |
Location: UK
Registered: July 2002
Messages: 192
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A bit of history first. As a teenager and up to say 21/22 I was pretty certainly gay. Not actively - I was much too shy for that. Being at boys-only schools, and having a cramped home life, I'd met hardly any girls. There were plenty at university, of course, but they didn't turn me on. When I went out into the big wide world I met more and more, of both genders. I had to relate to them professionally, and I think I did that OK. But relating to any of them socially was difficult because I lacked confidence; and still do today (music to the ears, Tim, to hear about you in this respect!). And for about ten years my sexuality seems to have switched off altogether. No interest of that sort in anyone.
Then when I was about 33 I met a girl who attracted me physically and mentally. It wasn't a very serious affair, and we amicably went our separate ways. But she'd switched me on again, and a year or so later I met another girl. A student of mine, as it happened (no, it wasn't cradle-snatching: I've been in adult education all my working life). The lights started flahing instantly and unmistakably, for both of us. That was it. If you'd asked me my orientation then, I'd have said straight, without any deceit. I thought my gayness in youth had been that phase that so many people are said to go through. We've been married 26 years now, with two smashing kids as straight as they come.
But over the last few years, totally unexpectedly, I've started checking out blokes again, especially young ones. It's all theoretical: I'd never contemplate being unfaithful, quite apart from the fact that I'm long past my sell-by date. But I admit to a hankering, which is why I've crawled into Tim's site. And I admit that in a way I'm ashamed of it, because it smacks of unfaithfulness. Why it's happened, I haven't the foggiest. Is it something akin to second childhood? That's not meant facetiously - I'm not gaga, I hope, or even approaching it. Seriously, can one's make-up change with time? Can the pendulum swing back? A question for David, perhaps.
Sorry, I've been rabbiting on. How satisfactory is it? Very. The odd up and down, inevitably. But I reckon a lot better than most marriages. Apart from the fleeting bit of petulance when we've had a squabble, I've never once regretted it.
Completeness or lack? Completeness, with recently this new dimension - not a lack, an extra - coming in on top.
Advice to gays or bis contemplating marriage, and repression of gay urges? I can't say from my own experience, because I don't honestly think I _was_ gay when I married, or did repress anything. I'm far from convinced I'm gay or bi even now. But from what I've seen of others, I'd say to gays, DON'T go for marriage, at least not without total honesty. I've known a few women who unknowingly married gays and were shattered, completely shattered, when their bloke walked out on them and they learnt the truth. It's just not fair. If you _are_ totally honest in advance, then the woman knows the score and it's up to her whether to take the risk. But even so I'm doubtful if gay urges can or should be repressed.
Bis seem a rather different case. If they want a monogamous relationship they have to repress one or other half of themselves. But I can't really say - I've never knowingly met a true bi.
Sorry for going on, but you asked for it! Fings ain't simple!
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Some of us have a situation that works the best for both, mysterious answer, maybe so. But in the end it all works out, both partners are happy, contended in marriage and most importantly with each other. Such is my situation.
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tim - the canuck
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Getting started |
Location: Canada
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 14
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I guess you could say I got married because it was expected of me to do that. I had and enjoyed teen gay love with a couple of boys. I lived in a very protected life style attending an all boys school where my father was the Headmaster (made life difficult at times). Unfortunately my b/f's left for other parts and I moved on as well. I to became a school master and because of that managed to completly surpress my gay feelings - until a year ago(I left teaching after 22 years - burn out) and suddenly my gay side started to surface - the harder I tried to surpress these feelings the stronger the gay side kept purculating to the surface.
I am married (happily) with 2 terrific sons - but I feel that there is a side of me that is empty and unfulfilled. I am not sure what would happen if suddenly the right guy suddenly appeared - ??? I have the opportunity to contact and meet one of my former b/fs - I have talked to him!, but was afraid to take the step to meet him (he is married as well) but I am afraid of what might happen - I would rather keep my dreams of the past. Probably I would again surpress my feelings and let life carry on - out of duty and love for my wife of 28 years.
I have often wondered what life would have been like if I had followed my true feelings?? I will probably never ever know.
Thanks Tim for being there - HUGS
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trevor
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Really getting into it |
Registered: November 2002
Messages: 732
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Why did you get married? My wife was my only lover and we had been dating for 7 years and gotten through some rough times together. I hadn't "taken seriously" my boy-lust thoughts which weren't that frequent, but also never seriously considered that I'd never lusted for women, other than her, and that may have been teen-hornyness/convenience, for all I know. Seemed right at the time, but I don't honestly know if I was truly "in love" ever, let alone at the time we were married. But then, "in love" is transitory and hormonal, I suppose.
How satisfactory is it? At the moment, fantastic on all but that one lust point. Just the other day she said she couldn't hope or wish for a better relationship. My coming out to myself and her was a turning point in a marriage that was spiralling downward. She knew I was holding something back - something I wasn't telling her. I was quite scared because she has extremely low self-esteem and I thought she wouldn't be able to "take it" - blaming herself. David FHK said awhile back on the topic of boys needing a male mentor that people are more "durable" or somesuch - able to recover - than we give them credit for, and that was certainly true. Plus, she suspected a bit from sharing our fantasies with each other, long ago.
Is it a state of completeness, or is there a lack? A small lack, which is why I'm online! I hope the stories and e-relationships with you folks will fill that need. Truely hope. (A sentence fragment for Tim!) I think, but am not sure, that what I lust for is really more boylove than gay love anyway, and that just isn't very practical or healthy, IMHO. (Yes, a very very small chance of it working, I suppose.)
What would you advise a gay or bisexual person considering marriage based on our own experiences?
I just advised a fellow who is about 22 and has been married a few years, who recently realized his gayness isn't disappearing, to consider what he really wants/needs, especially since his wife is talking about having children soon. It would be a very bad thing, IMHO, to make babies and leave for a different lifestyle or lover.
I have no regrets. None. (Damn, I'm starting to write like him now!) I would certainly have no wonderful children, who are probably as important to me as a soulmate (until they become adults, I assume, and semi-discard their parents!) I doubt there are many gay relationships that last as long as my marriage has already, let alone into the future.
Is it posisble or even desirable to repress urges for male/male love and sex? I don't think so. But then mine was repressed/suppressed/denied/something for almost 20 years, so ?
Okay, having said the above, I have never had a male lover in any respect. If I had, I imagine my views would be different. Maybe the sex would be so fantastic I wouldn't be as satisfied with my wife, would know what I was missing? I guess I mean more than just "sex" - but you know what I mean - since most of us probably consider the male form more beautiful/attractive/desireable/yummy than female, rather than just "the act."
Okay, I'm just rambling now so I'll stop.
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tim
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Really getting into it |
Location: UK, West of London in Ber...
Registered: February 2002
Messages: 842
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Why did you get married?
I fell in love. I never expected to, an dit was different form loving a boy. Softer, warm, safe. And i wasable to say "I love you" without being beaten up or shunned or taken away by my parents to be cured.
How satisfactory is it?
Hard to say. Neither of us are 100% happy. Nor fulfilled totally. Yte we are all we each have.
Is it a state of completeness, or is there a lack?
Oh such a lack............................
What would you advise a gay or bisexual person considering marriage based on our own experiences?
If truly for love, go ahead. Do not consider what might happen, but live for each day. If for "convention" run away as fast as you can
Is it possible or even desirable to repress urges for male/male love and sex?
It is almost posisble, and yet not. And when they come they are overwhelming and a real physical need which may not be fulfilled without very difficult choices being made. I do not state whether or not I have succumbed. I stae instead that resisting the urges, natural urges, instinctive urges is so very, very hard
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