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Hey Timmy!
It's been a while.
Well, something just came to my mind recently and since then, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I hope you won't mind me asking but...
How did you do it?
You know... live a normal life?
I mean, you're married, and you have a son.
Honestly, that's the kind of life I want for myself too.
You know... just be... normal- like the others.
The thing that scares me is that... no matter how hard I tried...
I can't get myself to like girls.
I mean, yeah- sure- I have a lot of friends who happen to be girls but...
they're just not the same. I don't... get attracted to them the way I do with boys. Believe me, I've tried as much to be normal by having a girl friend but... it just didn't work. I broke up with my girl friend before 'cause I felt guilty- that I didn't love or like her as much as she did with me. And it really felt like... I was lying to myself.
I just... can't seem to understand the way my mind works.
I mean, I've asked myself many times, "WHY THE HECK DO I LIKE BOYS AND NOT GIRLS?!!!!!!!!" "WHAT DO I SEE IN BOYS THAT I DON'T SEE IN GIRLS???!!!" I gave up of course. It just drove me insane.  Darn, had I been... a normal boy I wouldn't... argh! I can't even explain it. I just wanna be normal.
It's just that... me--- getting married--- with a girl and having kids of my own is just... sooooo out of the picture.
I'm kind of scared of my future.
I don't know exactly how I'll end up.
Well, there.
Sorry for all the angst. ^^:-X
Just couldn't help it.
Had to let that out. )
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Living life is the important thing. Personally I could not imagine myself married with children. I am gay... I like guys... I especially like guys that like guys too...
I have alot of female friends... Some are very close, but as for romance, they just dont ring the gong for me.
As for your referance to "normal".... I think I first have to say that I resent the notion that because I have no wife nor children I am abnormal.
Personally i believe a gay man with wife and children is abnormal. I don't mean it is wrong... What I do mean is that it is going against the natural inclination of male preferance for the sake of annonominity.
You ask "Why do I like boys and not girls?".....
The answer is easy.... You are gay... Gay guys lean toward liking guys...
As for the future.... name one person that is not afraid of it....
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michael, i know this is addressed to timmy, and i can't totally understand what you're dealing with because i'm not a guy who likes guys (just a girl who wishes she could like guys, because as a female she doesn't et et etc, lol!), but i wanted to still say something.
first and foremost--it's nice to see you around again! 
secondly, i don't think we're meant to really know how the mind works. even scientists cannot figure out where "creativity" comes from (beyond right brain/left brain .. i mean the "why"), and to puzzle over it would probably drive us all insane. i've kept myself up many, many nights wondering about things from 'why can't i just be a normal straight girl?' to 'if i can't be a normal straight girl, why can't i just totally like and want women? why do i have to be stuck in this gray space no one seems to get?' and other questions, about where we go when we die, how do they know this/that, was it big-bang or was it god, etc.
i guess what i'm getting at is, maybe you should think more about how to life your life as how you ARE, how you are comfortable, rather than question why. you know that you like guys, you've tried to make yourself be in a straight relationship and couldn't (even if you perhaps loved the girl as much as you could, as a person loving a person, or in the future if that occurs--but plutonic is not romantic, and in the end it won't work if you're not totally in it). the heart wants what the heart wants, michael--regardless of what our heads say, or what they say that we can't understand why.
like marc says, i can't think of one person who is not scared about the future, or at least doubtful and apprehensive. none of us know how we'll end up. we know how we might want to, and how we don't, but we'll never know until we get there. and when we do? well .... we'll wonder about the future after that! 
you're such a wonderful person, and i can tell that much already from posts i've read from you. i know, also, it's MUCH easier to "say" than to start to "do," especially with things like this. but just try a little each day, or each night before you go to sleep. some questions just aren't meant to be answered. if we knew all these "why's," what would be the point of living through it all?
the best to you, and NEVER apologise for your angst! (goddess knows i've littered this place with enough--it's good to share the angst-throne!  ) everyone's here to help you!
-heathyr
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Remember, Michael lives in Asia. Here in Asia many gays get married and have families as the deal they have to make with their famaily's and society's rules. Then they have their gay life as well, kind of in parrallel.
Until recently, gay guys married with children were the rule and not the exception they may become in the future.
And many of the gay guys on this MB are married with children.
So Michael, it's not impossible...if in fzct it wasn't just a stress releaser vent post...hehe
Just make sure that you are as clear with potential female partners what the deal is, if you can. maybe even choose a lesbian who needs the same arrangement for the same reason. It could be a loving family...who knows?
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I have no real idea. It all happened.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Haha ^^ Thanks for the usual warm welcome heathyr! )
Glad to be back- and most especially glad to hear from you guys again!
Yeah- I guess there really ARE certain things in life we can't answer.
During the course of my reflection- (yeah! I actually locked myself up inside my room on a rainy afternoon and stared blankly at the ceiling for about... almost 2 hours I guess!)
Those things you said were really beautiful heathyr.
Especially when you said, 'the heart wants what the heart wants.'
I guess that was basically the root of all the angst.
Society goes about judging and condemning people like us. Like me.
If only they had the slightest idea of how I am.
If only they could be me even for just a second, maybe they'd understand.
I just find it... unfair.
I just figured being gay would not have been a problem
if not for the 'oh-so-judgmental' society.
Darn- I wish all gay guys had guts!
I'm sure somone out there must like me somehow!
Maybe he's just afraid to say it. :-[
"The worst way of missing someone is to be sitting right next to them knowing you can't have them." To Stephen Tsang, wherever you are.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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It's only complicated if you want to make it that way.
You ask then "Why exactly did I have to BE gay"
The answer to that is just as simple...
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i'm very certain someone out there DOES like you, michael. i even bet someone out there is looking for someone just like you. you just haven't found him yet, and he hasn't stumbled upon you.
"they" say (who are THEY?! now that is my big, unanswerable question... ) that things come to us when we stop looking for them, or when we least expect it. which is hard to swallow, but often true. things will fall into place however they may, once you let them i think.
i think people would understand others better, if they'd step out of their own shoes and walk in someone else's (in this case, yours) just one day. but no one wants to make that effort. getting out of their own shoes takes too much time; fitting into someone else's even longer. and so it goes, unfortunately.
but you'll make it. you've got so much spirit in you, i don't doubt it for a second.
h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Timmy, I have a question... 
i'm gay! haha ^^ 
the heart wants what the heart wants 
