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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I have something to say that is not easy. Many of you know I was a teacher for some many years, twenty five plus a bit to be exact. I was good at doing what I did but not without some cost. An event took place some 24 years ago that shook my life to its very foundation. It took a lot out of me and even more from me. To make a long protracted story short, I had a breakdown. As part of the treatment I was prescribed with a cocktail of various drugs some for pain due to injuries suffered and some for stability. After the prescribed time of therapeutic deliberations I was deemed ready to tackle the world once again. WRONG! The drugs continued to be a part of my daily regiment in order to give me the albeit false confidence I needed to walk out of the door and to my classroom every morning. To make matters worse I discovered the wondrous effects of vodka.
In other words I was able to work.
Some years later I met someone online who invariably caused me to put some parts of this tale into words. I think you know who I mean so there is no need to mention Tim’s name. The method, causes and effects of our meeting are a bit cloudy in my memory but what I can remember was that it was none too pleasant. As it happened we became friends, quite close as we tended to listen to each other deeply. He is the reason I am able to be here writing this. He is the reason I am with Kevin as I am now.
When I was teaching I needed the drugs and drink to get through the day. When I made a commitment to stop doing those things so went my ability to handle being in front of my classroom. I was at a crossroads in my life once again and had to make a conscience decision once and for all. I was going to live or I was not. No in-between.
I am so sorry I make so many people uncomfortable. I don’t try to. I am also sorry that I get so upset when people don’t understand what I am trying to say. I know there is no excuse. I also know it is a thing that is hard to be aware of let alone control. I know the solution but for the sake of my Kevy I refuse to go that route again. It is hard for me to put my thoughts into type. My mind sometimes tends to race in tangents and the ideas I am trying to present get somewhat disheveled. One conscious way I try to control this is to not use many words to express myself but that doesn’t always work. I do the best I can but it sometimes isn’t enough. For that I am truly sorry.
As for Kevin… we have discussed this. Among other things that I can't talk about here (yet). We’ll be ok…..
Im sorry....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Marc, you have our support. We will all try to be patient and hope you can be as patient with us.
We will need your help sometimes to understand, but we will try.
I am speaking for my friends here because I know the have compassion in their hearts. Maybe more than I do. Some of the finest people I have known are here, and you are one of them.
And say Hi to the other Kevin for me.
Much love,
Kevin
:-* :-* :-*
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
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you don't need to apologise, it seems everyone here is pretty patient. maybe even remember the things you told me, when i got frustrated that people didn't understand my post that night, though i thought it was clear, or people didn't answer how i wanted.
you off all people was most patient with me that day, when i thought everyone else was being callous or flippant. i was able to understand what you were saying, and then, was able to understand what everyone else meant. i know it's different to apply to one's self, and i know our histories are different, but some things seem to be parallel, from what i've read here.
you're not really alone, even when you try to say you are. you've got more than many of us have or ever will, in your kevin, and it seems like people here are willing to listen and be patient, if you will to (and, even if you won't).
h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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Whenever these little tizzies start, I always get all fussed and stomp all around and try to think of ways to express what I'm trying to say. I usually stomp over to Timmy and he always giggles at me and then I think what would I really like to do.......and you know what? I just always want to hug you........really tight and ask you what's really wrong cause I know when I go off on people, it's cause something else is bothering me. So, for what it's worth, here Marc:
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
smith
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I do recall how I bumped into your issues. With my own fears I met your reality. But how we met? Of that I have no clear recollection. I know when. And I know you needed to talk.
Tough as it can be, I know you need to keep talking. In part to disempower your own demons and in part to help others see how they can ease.
Ease up on yourself and you will make others less uncomfy. I promise.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Marc}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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It helps explain your style and makes it more clear what you're struggling with and how.
It helps a lot.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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Steve
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Really getting into it |
Location: London, England
Registered: November 2006
Messages: 465
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No Message Body
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Sometimes it is so hard to get through the day. I worked so hard for so many years with little to show for it. Some days I feel so worthless. I know I have Kevin here with me and I know he loves me, but some days I just feel so alone... on the inside... When that happens it seems like everything is falling apart.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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When you're feeling alone, can't that be when you write your stories? That's what I do to feel like I'm making people happy. Anything you do for someone else that makes their day a little brighter, makes your day shine. Patrick and Braden are just waiting to be happy.
Just a dumb smith thought
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Yup youre right smith... Writing is a great solice... but only to a point.
Writing doesn't provide medical or dental coverage, pension or any of the things I've worked for.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Re: A smoking gun…. 
