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..on a morning that shot an entire day in about 10 minutes. i hate that i have parts of me that feel this way; that sometimes wish i wasn't a parent. and it is nothing, nothing against shiloh--it's all me and my selfishness (nevermind the countless "altruisms" that have occured without hesitation for her, for her..).
it figures i've been smoke-free for awhile, mostly for her so that she doesn't keep getting coughs and colds, yet this cough STILL hasn't totally left. today i was giving her a dose of her syrup before leaving for school, and she coughed so hard that it, along with last night's dinner, wound up everywhere. so naturally, i decide to keep her home so she can just relax, stay warm, stay medicated on a regular schedule, and maybe feel better.
but i had plans today. i was going to go to this gay/straight alliance (barring the fact they leave out people like, oh, misgendered's) meeting at my old college--the college where my friend c. still attends. after, we were going to finish up x-mas shopping, then go watch some QAF, as she is borrowing my season 1 and i've told her to NOT watch the last three or four episodes without me there with her. that's shot.
i seriously must be pathetic that the computer here, and online, and alllll these pixels and binary whatever's is all i have to escape, and be who i am, who i am LOSING beneath the veneer of being a parent. friday night there is a drag show at the ONE measly gay bar this town has. i was all excited to go: i couldn't decide between decking out in pinstripes and suspenders and a fedora, or wearing my blue/burgundy/black/white plaid-punk kilt with a slipdress skirt beneath that, with tights and a ramone's shirt. girly or boyish. i was so excited either way (even if faced with being around THAT much smoke for the first time since i quit--even if i know i'll say "i won't drink" but would probably wind up drinking myself under some table, pretending to be brian kinney because my life sucks and i should be destroyed for being so selfish to think that). except oh! i have no babysitter. shi's dad NEVER takes her on a regular basis anymore, as he SHOULD per our custody papers, and my mom, while not even LOVING this guy, has to go out with him allll the time. which IS good for her, i love when she gets the heck out of the house.
but i cannot afford to pay a babysitter, and so it's either: have her watch shiloh for drag night on friday, or have her watch shiloh so i can see return of the king on saturday. honestly, with the week i've been having and the allure of the club and getting the hell out of my nasty skin for a night, pretending to be someone else (and pulling it off quite well--i never toot my own horn but i am getting pretty good at wearing a fictional character's skin...) beats hobbits and pretty elves for a night.
the sweet irony is that the very, very few times i've had a parent-break for more than two days (my trip to new york; when her dad took her to cedar point this summer)? i spend most the time after day one and two missing her like crazy, and being miserable until she comes back, or worrying that he's going to take her and run and so nothing is fun until she gets back.
people, use protection until you're ready to be a parent. well ... that is if you ever wind up in bed with a female.  ) sorry, i had to make a funny.
ok, now this. fitting for me, for today. for always. it's come to a point i exist more in my head, and in the fantasy of things that'll never REALLY happen or come true, more than i do in reality. how pathetic.
she's lost in coma where it's beautiful
intoxicated from the deep sleep, deep sleep.
do you wonder what it's like
living in a permanent imagination?
sleeping to escape reality, but you like it like that.
guilty by design
she's nothing more then fiction.
she dreams in digital,
cause it's better then nothing.
now that control is gone,
it seems unreal,
she's dreaming in digital.
she dreams in digital.
and your pixel army can't save you now--
my finger's on the kill switch.
i remember i used to compose your dreams
control your dreams
and don't be afraid to expose yourself
before i shut you down
you made some changes since the virus caught you sleeping...
:-/  ?? :'-(
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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You are such a sweet girl.... I'm going to let you in on a secret. About every friend I have with children from one time or another has felt a little styfled. After all you have needs as well as your little girl.
It's nothing to feel badly about.
As for going out friday of saturday.... Well life is just full of choices. Just one hint though, you can always rent the video, the club show won't wait.
I don't get the brian kinny comment. Is this a friend or something?
If your Mom will sit for you then go out ank have a bit of fun. It's been a long semister and you owe it to yourself.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Oh, and no offense.
Wind up in bed with a female.......
EEEEEEEEWWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I just couldn't......
(editted it to make it narrow again! - timmy)
[Updated on: Tue, 16 December 2003 16:24] by Moderator
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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On the flipside though, you won't be an old fart by the time she turns 20 which would more or less have been the case if you had her when you're in your mid-30s like many parents today, which must have its advantages too. 
Actually, I guess your long post demands a far more serious treatment than this, but it's the best I can do right now (I'm tired from lack of sleep and a long walk. Sorry).
Hugs.
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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yeah, i think i've chosen the club over seeing the movie. my tickets are pre-bought, i can use them whenever i want. now it's just a matter of convincing my mom to stay in on friday night and go out on saturday. right now she wants it the other way around. and she's the babysitter for free--it's her call, not mine.
i bought a hideously ugly paisley shirt (burgundy, browns, cream and blue) for 3 dollars on clearance. it's the best shirt ever, so my mood is temporarily okay.
the brian kinney reference is to a fictional character that doesn't exist, portrayed by the most beautiful and mysterious guy in the world, who is not much like said character.
thanks for answering, marc. take care of you..
h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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none taken, trust me. i don't much like going to bed with males (or females) myself. heh. take that and analyse it, huh? i'm so messed up.
what's worse is what i have been dreaming about, which i really want to post about but don't know how to, without offending or grossing people out, or just flat out confusing people or staring at a silent thread. i am sure it's all just "supressed wants and needs" but ... this is different. and it's frequent. and ugh.
anyhoo.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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hehe. the fact that when she turns eighteen i'll only be turning thirty-five is a big comfort, yes. perhaps i can still "get away with" doing half the things i had to stop, and the other half that i've had to put off, huh?
it's not so bad, it's just i really wanted to go out and cut loose and forget who i am, especially after this last term. it's been over for days now and i've done nothing. i just wanna be someone else for a night. it's nothing against my responsibilities, or shiloh herself, it's just i cannot be caged up all the time, and i have been, and bleh!
i'm sorry you're tired sweetie. get some rest and we'll talk soon, ok?
hearts and smootch,
h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I don't think you are messed up at all.
You are just like the rest of us.... A little different.... but it is that little difference that makes us all a family.
As far as grossing me out.... Let me clue you in.... There is nothing that could be said here that could gross me out....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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well, then maybe some day, when i'm brave and ready, i will post about the dreams. it's really less about the sexual aspect and more about the fact it's more evidence to point out i'm in the wrong body, and will probably never truly be happy, or make a relationship work because of it.
thanks, marc.
by the way -- the guy in the icon = gale harold, who i mentioned in a post previous; the actor who plays brian kinney.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Actor who plays in what?
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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No Message Body
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Oh my.... I only saw the first 3 episodes.....
I think it is an insulting portrail of gay life.
He does have a nice butt tho..... ;-D
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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yes, i've heard that opinion on it--people either love it or hate it, nowhere in between. but i think most TV drama's are "inaccurate portrayals," like ally mcbeal certainly was. "charmed" gives pagans a real, real bad rap (because paganism and wicca are quite different, but they use pagan references, etc). there'll always be things like that.
what i like is that they enforce safe sex, it isn't ONLY about the "whores" and the "queens," you have just normal, average guys (and girls) in it, too. but yeah--i will fully admit that a portion of my obsession with toronto is because of watching the show so avidly (it was filmed there, for the tv show's 'pittsburg'), although i have been to toronto many times (all but one was before i ever saw the series, as i only just started watching it this summer), and have been in the clubs and bars they use in the series, and was in love with them already.
i have no point here! i'm rambling because once again, plans got fucked up tonight. the same friend, c., asked if i'd like to go to the blue note tonight. i said yes, but i could only go if she waited until AFTER i got shi in bed (8 PM), and if she could please give me an hour to get cleaned up and get ready. she huffed and everything and was like, 'well i wanted to get there before that.' so i say, 'okay ... get there before that, then, and i'll meet you there.' she says, 'so you're going to drink and drive yourself back home?' and i say, 'you mean to tell me that out of the million little social climbers you hang out with, not ONE of them can ride with you, to drive your car back to your place and you, perhaps, drive me home?'
apparently not. so here i sit once again cursing the fact i had to let some guy fuck me when i was 16, without a condom. fancy that. first time, too! first time and poof. pregnant. man, the luck.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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eeeee, gale in that suit = nnnnnnnngh! you find the best pictures, hands down.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Kids can be an inconvenience, sure. 
Gale Harold 
