|
|
|
timmy
|
 |
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
I've watched the silly, schmaltzy movies. Thet are full of thinsg I forgot to do. Fun I forgot to have while I was too wrapped up in being obsessed to listen to the real world, bits of a dad I forgot to be, maybe never knew how to be. Certainly bits of a husband I have no idea how to be.
Now the TV has a crap soap opera on it. I don't want to watch it, so I am upstairs, here.
I dont; feel chatty, so I'm not logged in to chat programs. My writing inspiration is on hold because I can't seem to make time for me. And I feel weepy for no genuine reason.
Yet I have everything any sane perosn woudl want.
I guess I can't spend my life being strong, but my family expects me to be. Or my wife does. My son accepts me as sometimes an ordinary, weak, silly man.
Tomorrow the "January Sales" start. I will be here, at home, while she goes to town and enjoys shopping. Only I will be alone and lonely. And I don't think she understands how lonely I am sometimes. But, if I tell her, that will spoil her shopping trip. If I go with her, that will spoil her shopping trip. And when she gets back I will have to be damned careful I don't spoil the shopping trip she had.
Why, sometimes, is it so possible to be very lonely in company?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
e
|
 |
On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
|
|
|
Those silly christmas movies always end in a perfect world. and as we know, the world isn't perfect. So you weren't the perfect dad or husband. So what? And if you aren't the perfect you, then YOU are the one who can fix it.
Suggestion. Go with your wife, but don't BE with her. Let her do her shopping. Go your own way. Shop for yourself (even if you don't buy anything), or go watch a movie. Then when everything is done, have dinner with her. If you think it will ruin her shopping trip if you aren't with her, tell her why you aren't spending the time with her, It's her time, or you wanted some time to yourelf, or whatever, but you WANT to spend time with her too, so that's the reason for dinner afterwards. If your son is still home, take him. Tell your wife that the boys are going to go have their own fun while she does her thing. You can stay home and be lonely or go do something for you, then be with your wife. It might not be exactly what you want, but it will undoutedly be better than the alternative.
Think good thoughts,
e
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Because that is life.
We as people always look at an idealised picture of how we ought to be,
rather in how we really are. If we do not fill out the label,
the box of expectation, many times we do not feel as if we are 100%.
We are all only humans. Many times I have been told: "Get your shit together, love." Only to watch that person crash and burn when life grew to be too much to handle. We are always 1. In a group of 3, there is only 1, 1, and 1.
It is not 1.5+1.5. In the end, no matter how many people there are, we are still 1. 1, Weak, strong, angry, sad, moody, stable, violent, composed.
Everything in 1, and we can not be only part, we have to be 100% of what we have, what we are inside. We can only do what we can.
You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet
You went to a better place but He stole you away from me
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
Dinner with her does not work. She finds a reason to detest the restaurant. Trust me!
The idea is great, butthe execution is impossible
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
marc
|
 |
Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
|
|
|
Try letting her choose the place to eat. Then if she complains about it then it is her fault.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yeah, the holidays bring out the lonely in me as well. Even when surrounded by friends and family, when you've got tons of people around all giving you a hand to shake, passing out the pints, music in the air and just plain life going on all around you.....
Then everything simply stops.
And it's just you, alone, in your own head, wondering what troubles will darken your door now that we've basically started the celebration of this year's end the new year's beginning. It's funny how turning pages on a calander seems to bring out the darker side of who we are, even if that dark side is only depression, despondancy and fear of the future.
I find myself shrinking from a lot of family and friend get togethers because of this distance I feel between them and me. Oh, at the events I can't avoid I'm my usuall affable self, cracking wise and in general trying to be one of the lives of the party. But in those small spaces where you feel most comfortable, surrounded by your armor, as it were, I'd rather just be alone, watching snow fall, maybe one or two really close people with me. No distractions, no need to create an event.
Just a sense of peace. And a sense that my place in reality isn't defined by what I bought someone, or how many gifts I got. Peace is it's own gift. And for someone as warlike as myself, a rare one. I think a large part of what makes us tick is the silence between ticks, and the holidays usually seem to make the ticks themselves much louder than the silence can fill in between.
Then again, maybe I'm just going crazy. I've practically got my IRL friends trying to hook me up with people (not happening folks, I make my own choices) and someone new flirting with me online (Hey, that was uncalled for, it happens sometimes..... ) and work is in the toilet (again) and little family crisises keep popping up for me to deal with. I keep seeing odd things in my dreams that keep happeneing, strangely enough. And with all that going on, the whirlwind we call life keeps twisting and turning in new ways.
So after all this mess in the silly season, the hustle and bustle to get things done, the agony and angst and the flurry of activity and cooking and all......when all that finally dies down to a dull roar....
Then everything stops. And you find that the other tensions bleed out for a while, and then the emotions rush in to fill that vacuum, and then the lonelies hit. And no matter how many people are around, it's still that loneliness inside that get you.
You're a very lucky man, Timmy. You've got your family, you seem to be doing okay on the job bit. You've got friends all over the planet. Yet that ever present lonely just seems to grab you as well. It's not in the stuff that you find the joys of the holiday season. Oh, all that's nice too, but, in my humble experience, it's in finding that peace, making it your own, and realizing that we all need a moment to feel weak after being strong for such a long time.
The holiday blahs have me as well. I'm here typing when I should be getting ready for work. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to scramble for the door after I post this. Take courage from this Timmy; we all go through it, we all get through it, and we all find ourselves getting back into the game. I'm not sure if this helped anyone, but what the hell, gottah at least try.
Anyways, I'm out the door, folks. Here's wishing us all a safe return from holiday travels, a smooth transition into the new year and a little hope that we can get our collective kits together for a change. What a wonderful world it would be.
D'Artagnon
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
No Message Body
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Maybe I hit the send button too soon again...arrgh...
Maybe you're isolating yourself unnecessarily, or out of old habit due to wearing too much self-protective armour.
If you're sure the restaurant idea won't work, then go to the movie on your own and bring a good book to a good restaurant and have yourself a good time on your owqn while she shops.
Or call another friend to do those things with...or other things that suit you more.
If you have nobopdy to call and do things with, then your New Year's resolutions should include making more friends as well as making more time for yourself.
Oh, dear...am I sermonizing? Sorry...
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
e
|
|
On fire! |
Location: currently So Cal
Registered: May 2002
Messages: 1179
|
|
|
The idea was to find a way for you to allow her to enjoy her day of shopping AND for you to not be left alone. If dinner doesn't work, do something else with her afterwards. Coffee and dessert mught work if dinner doesn't. Or a movie. Or bowling. Or almost anything that the two of you like to do together. You need to get out of the house and do something while she is shopping, then to find a way to spend time together.
Think good thoughts,
e
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Though I do not have the benefit of a wife and child.
Lonely, it seems is a word that defines my life of late.
I cannot shake it, it is with me everyday. But in the holiday season it seems to have a special hold over me.
Tomorrow will be a new day for all of us, that can be our hope, our reason.
Keep a better future in your head and heart till that day arives.
Love and Hugs to you my friend,
Kevin
"Be excellent to each other, and, party on dudes"!
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
Christmas day was great. Why do I feel empty today? 
Scratching the Patch (No, not that one, you pervs.....) 
