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Howdy! I’m down/over/up here in Texas, (depending upon where YOU are) visiting my father. Currently, no one else is home, which is why I’m risking actually BEING on this site at the moment. Upon their return I will, of course, destroy all evidence of my ever being here, for while my Mother’s stance on a .. er…“different” orientation is rather clear my Father has never once mentioned it at all and personally I would prefer some sort of platform – even a negative one – to such an undefined position. ‘Know what I mean?
Anyway, I think I’m going certifiably nuts spending so much time in such a repressive (for lack of a better word (though, a better word may be “frightening”)) environment. And to make matters worse, I think I’ve figured the reason for my reluctance at a familial admission of my “preference.”
Personally, I wish I hadn’t been so introspective as to cause this epiphany as it were. I would much rather remain in my naïve little paranoia where I could not quite figure myself out.
Basically I’m weighing the expected relief of no longer hiding against the emotional explosion that I think I know I’ll bring down upon myself in the process.
So, I was just wondering if it’s “normal” to feel this way. I mean, I only consciously knew I was gay at the beginning of this school year and that had a lot to do with the amazing College atmosphere in which I found myself. Now I am back among the very people who taught me it was wrong. (AAAUUUGH! Sorry; had to scream.)
Right, so that’s my question; is this mental torture (okay, that’s a bit dramatic but that’s how I feel, okay?) a normal occurrence or am I “freaking out?”
Sorry to dump again,
-Machelli
viðrar vel til loftárása
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I reckon it's pretty normal
Self realisation can be damnably awkward, too
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Normal as normal can get, me thinks.
Sometimes we have to seperate ourselves from what keeps us down to realise who and what we are.
You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet
You went to a better place but He stole you away from me
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Totally normail, for sure. Especially when you haven't been back home to the original "nest" in a while. We seem to shrink back to being powerless little kids, and they still tend to treat you like you were too young...
When I was in my 30's and visiting my parents, my mother would still try to set curfews for me...amazing!
Just keep being yourself, even if you decide for good reason to hide what the reality now is until you get back to a safer environment.
Maybe try and get out for an evening on your own, if not to a gay friendly place, at least to get your equilibrium back. If you can't get a car and drive, just going for a walk or to a movie will help. Phoning friends who DO know you also helps remind you that you haven't in fact gone back in time...haahaa.
And...hehehe...have a happy new Year.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
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