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I would like to share an experience, and ask and opinion at the same time.
Recently I ended a friendship that lasted since Junior High. (I'm a high-school senior now.) There were a lot of reasons why, and they are too many to list here. But my question is... When this happens... Is it just me,
or is it a strange feeling when he/she walks by, and you're so used to waving and saying: "Hi" - but you catch yourself, and stay quiet? When you sit next to him/her, but don't say anything? Even though many times you would get in trouble before, for talking too much? And people around you notice it,
but do not say anything, although it's obvious that they notice what's happening? Does anyone want to give feedback/opinions on this?  ??
You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet
You went to a better place but He stole you away from me
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Yes, I do know exactly of what you are talking. I too sort of ended a rather lengthy and enjoyable friendship somewhere at the beginning of High School (so, as far as time comparison goes, my situation is/was not exactly the same as yours.) Nonetheless, I can sympathize with those terribly awkward moments during which you feel sort of lost, emotion-wise. After all, you are/were so comfortable talking to this person that your first impulse may very well be to say something – perhaps it’s a humorous observation that creates this initial compulsion – but then you realize “hey, wait. I’m not supposed to do that anymore; I’m no longer affiliated with this person,” and therefore remain silent.
It’s tough, right? Kind of annoying too? Well, unfortunately – at least, as far as my personal experience is concerned – a lack of communication can easily provide for a lack of improvement of the awkwardness of the situations in which you will find yourself. As a matter of fact, it tends to worsen your already weak relationship to the point of hostility.
Now, the reason for the “break-up” of my friend and I may be different from your experience. I mean, this fellow was a “Colonel”-esque homophobe (for you American Beauty people out there) and certain events lead to his eventual estrangement of me that were rather directly related to that character flaw.
However, I do know what you mean and while I can not really offer any advice (for I did not do anything to better my situation until it was too late) I can only say that you should do whatever is possible to keep this ex-friend of yours from becoming an antagonist in your life. You certainly need no more of those than occur naturally.
Sorry I couldn’t offer more help. It’s one thing to have experienced a similar hardship but a total other thing to have learned from it and I don’t believe I’ve done the latter, though I hope someone here has and can offer better words of wisdom than can I.
Adios for now,
-Machelli
viðrar vel til loftárása
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I had 2 best friends from age 6. When I was abused at 12, I told one and he dropped me straight away and said some really horrible things to me and I had to put up with seeing him for another 3 years. The other one stayed with me and ended up using me and I dumped him.
There is no easy answer?? All ya can do is be nice if the friend says hi ? other than that??
Dont fall into the trap of saying nasty stuff about them though..
People have a habit of changing your direction through life
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Although I do understand and sympathize with the problem, it's kinda hard to offer advice without knowing why the friendship split up. I mean, I know that's kinda a personal place to go sometimes, but without that knowledge, one can't be specific about how to offer any help.
What I can say is that I sense two things about this issue. First, it must have been one serious break up. You and this other person were really good friends, probably in ways you are only now beginning to realize. The second thing I'm getting is that you may be regretting your decision to part. I may be wrong, but something tells me I'm not (and I hope that doesn't come across as condescending or preachy, just a feeling).
Whatever the issue, there's a sense that you aren't happy with the outcome, even if the break-up was necessary. Like Ashley said, often you travel separate roads and sometimes you travel them alone.
One of my best friends, a man I went through fire and rain with, who I literally laid my life in his hands when we were younger and stupider (long story, not necessary for this example), well, we're like total strangers now. And it's only been this way since earlier this year. I know where he is. I can go visit him anytime and I'm sure he'd greet me as a friend. But the feeling is different now. We haven't really split up, we just walk different roads now.
Occassionally, I'll drive past his appartment and see his truck parked out front. I'll maybe see him and the wife in the market, although they don't see me, or if they do, they pretend not to. I know where his mother's home is and could easily go there and ask after him. I've even still got his phone number on my speed dial. So what prevents me from just showing up and opening up our friendship again?
We walk on different roads now. Perhaps some intersection will come up in the future and we'll regain some of that closeness we had since my junior year in high school. Perhaps some accidental meeting in the streets or at a restaurant will reaquiant us. Who knows.
As to your situation, well, all I can say is that maybe a little distance between you and this friend has made you question your decision. Perhaps that distance is still required, I'm not sure. If forgiveness is the issue, perhaps you should arrange to speak with him or her privately. If nothing else, maybe you could resolve the issue. If such a meeting is refused, then at least you know that you tried and your roads wont be close anymore.
I don't know if this helps you any, Syyton. With any situation like this, it's the details and particulars that matter the most, and I wont ask you for them here, nor should anyone else here. If you were comfortable telling us, you would have, and we should respect that privacy. However, I hope that you can at least take some comfort from knowing that you aren't the only one who'e taken a separate path, and that at some point in our lives we've all had to call it quits.
In any event, I'd say that you shoud evaluate the situation from your own perspective and then at least attept to see it from your friend's side. If for no other reason than to gain some perspective. Maybe the issue can be salvaged, maybe it can't. Whatever the case, it is clear that you miss that relationship. To put not too fine a point on it, it's time to fish or cut bait, and I think you know that and feel it.
Oh well, I hope this at least gives you something to think about. Maybe things will work out and the road will go smoother for you. If not, at least realize that there's lots of lonely walkers out there that also understand the road less traveled, and that perhaps it was just time to move on. In any event, just know that all of us are here for you, as well as so many others.
The path is before you, leading forwards, my friend. Cya on the other side.
D'Artagnon
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
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I'll fill you in a little bit more.
We still go to the same school, and have 1 class with each other.
We've had problems since the end of 2002. He would preach at me,
and condemn me ad nauseum. But then it would be fine again.
It would be like that, as soon as I was comfortable, or ready to leave, he would start going either way again. It wasn't all his fault, I had my own share in the demise. There were times when I could not talk to him for days or weeks at a time, after he preached, and lectured me in how much better he was, how we is such a good little Protestant boy, and how I was just some fallen sinner who'll take the next express to Hell. Oh yeah, that was for growing up Catholic too. He would always look down on me. I could not handle it anymore. The final draw was when he tried to drag some non-involved friends of mine into the fight, and blame them for everything.
You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet
You went to a better place but He stole you away from me
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Er.... don't get me wrong but it sounds as though maybe - just maybe - you might be better off without this fellow. I mean, you may have had some good times and all but it's unlikely that any amount of fun could make up for such a seemingly repetitive assault on your beliefs.
That, however, is only my opinion.
viðrar vel til loftárása
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Tough as it may seem, perhaps Machelli is right. Maybe separate roads is the best path for both of you. When you can't agree, try to agree to disagree. And if even that isn't enough for some ppl, well, there are plenty of other places you can waste your time, breath and energy and at least enjoy it.
It's not the wolf you see you should fear, but all the ones he howls with. Don't be afraid of the song, but don't piss off the choir.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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What was the reason for the end of the frinedship?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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The reason it ended... A lot of things. I guess I was sick of him abusing me all the time. Damning me to Hell, treating me like I was less than him.
I hated his sanctimony. I admit... I'm not innocent, and I made a lot of mistakes too... He would treat me like that because I'm a confirmed Catholic,
and the fact that I'm gay he used as an excuse to look down on me even more.
He was in his own way nice enough. I think what finally killed it was when we wanted to blame other people for the problems that we both helped to shape.
But what I wanted to ask was...
Is it strange that when he walks by, I still have almost an automatic trigger that I try to wave and greet him, but I check myself, and stop.
Or that Sometimes I feel like saying something to him,
but I don't. Is it strange that because I knew him for so long,
that even though we're no longer friends, I still have a reaction to greet him, or say something, even though I probably should not?
You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet
You went to a better place but He stole you away from me
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Peculiar? Yes. Strange? No.
There will be PLENTY of times when you feel like that around this guy. There will be countless occassions when you think of something that only the two of you would adequately understand and you'd love for him to be your friend once more for just thirty seconds so you could tell him and you could both laugh enough to do the thought justice.
That's not strange; that's normal and it's something you're going to have to live with for at least the remainder of your high school career. You'll get used to it, though. Or you'll develop a maddening psychological complex that prevents you from finishing the last sentence of every single one of your
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Sorry, couldn't help myself. I think I need to go to bed.
-Machelli
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Among other reasons for an abusive friehdship is the idea that he may be gay, may want you and may not be able to admit it. Unlikely yet possible.
As for acknowledging him... DO acknowledge him. Be civil, be friendly. This is normal interaction and is healthy. Simply make your own decision about how close he may come.
You were friends once, you may be friendly now.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I have heard of loosing touch, or not communicating anymore. But ending a friendship? How? You became friends because of some mutuality shared. Did that common bond end?
I have made many friends over the years, and can honestly say I have never consciously ended any friendship. We have disagreed over many topics and/or actions, and sometimes the common bond has disappeared, but does that truely end the friendship?
Honestly, the only method I can see to end a friendship is to purposely, deliberately, and with forethought, murder that person and build a hatred towards him/her that cannot be overcome. And I am not sure anyone has that much venom inside.
I do understand how your attitude can change, and how you communicate with the friend, but there will always be (possibly buried very, very deep) that little spark that caused the friendship in the first place because that is part of you. To remove it, you would have to change yourself at a very basic level, and then you would no longer be yourself.
IMHO
Hugs, Charlie
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When friendship ends... Feedback anyone? 
Separate Roads 
Re: Separate Roads 
