|
|
who, while not being catholic, is very, very religious. so ... i approached this with an angle she can't ignore or back away from, this time. i don't hit so much on my transgender issues--that comes later, with her, if at all. but it's yet another attempt.
here is the letter:
"I think God appreciates it even more than the rest of them, because He created you in his image; He knew, and knows, exactly what He's doing--at least that's what I was always taught. And since God is love and God doesn't make mistakes, then you must be exactly the way He wants you to be--and that goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, every tear... and every faggot. We're all His, Emmett. He loves us all."
-- Queer As Folk, Season 1.
Even though you're sitting across the room from me, I'm emailing you this instead of just talking about it. Possibly because though we've talked about it before, I get the impression you'd rather not be; that while you mean what you say, you'd rather not have this conversation, or ignore that this exists. I felt it when Lynnie was here, and you got upset about a fingertouch to my ankle or knee--something so insignificant I don't even remember which it was--and said it was for the sake of Shiloh seeing, even though Shiloh wasn't even in the room. It was right then that I knew, or figured, that you weren't okay with things we spoke of about me, regardless of saying that you were. It's been weighing on my mind a lot lately, probably because I've found friends in town again; local friends who accept me as is. Yes, they're gay: boys and girls, all of them having respectable jobs, and some even have children. Two of them are legally married--they were married by none other than a Catholic priest in this very town. I got to thinking that if a Catholic priest can realise that this is just how things are, that it's not the 40s or 50s anymore, that this is common place, then maybe I can wake this family up, or parts of it.
Why does this matter so much to me? Because this is who I am. It's a lot of things--it's that I'm going to be 26 very, very soon, but I get told, still, to "not make it late," when I go out, which we all know is such a rare thing. It's that I don't want to move out of here, and you know that, for how it was when I moved back here and said even that apartment I really liked didn't feel like "home," but I also know that I feel like I can't be myself here; that while it'd be financially better for both of us that I stay here after I graduate, I don't intend to, anymore. I cannot breathe here, anymore.
Now, this is not to say that I want to get flamboyant about things; and I understand about the fact that I have to watch it for the sake of Shiloh--but it's not for the sake of Shiloh. She knows that Seanna has two mothers, and didn't even bat an eye. She knows what "gay" means and that while it's less common, it's not wrong. It's because of her father, not Shiloh. And I've done my research, I know that there are organisations, even ones right here in Muskegon, that would fight tooth and nail if he ever tried anything--even though he can't, because one of the people he cheated on me with was male. He wouldn't get far. Margo, one of the ladies I've met through Chelsea, delt with the same thing, and we've been talking a lot in email about it, should I ever have to deal with things like that down the line.
I'm sure you might think or feel that I'm being "influenced," but that's not the case. I can show you journals of mine from way back when, age 13 and 14 (though maybe you've read them, LOL!! but maybe there were parts you skipped), where this first came about with me--before I became friends with Raychel, and back then it wasn't acceptable to "come out" (which is why I am startled to find that several people i graduated with, friends I used to have in school that I've re-met while going out these past two times, are in fact gay or bisexual, and have been for years and years) so there was no one influencing this with me. Twice back then, I called an 800 number hotline for "confused teenagers," but it was mostly geared toward boys, so I never called again. I've spent almost twelve years, twelve years, trying to ignore this part of me, or put it aside.
Did you know that Aaron knew this about me when we met? I thought maybe he could "change it" or make me forget about it. Did you know that David considered himself bisexual, and while I don't doubt that we did really love each other at one point, we thought that if two people like us hooked up and had a "straight relationship" and got married, that maybe we'd be safe and okay, and we could ignore these parts of us. Obviously, that didn't work.
So, then, this has been an issue of mine for a long time, and I've had no one to talk to about it. What would you have done, had I come to you at that age? What would Tony have done? But I'm sick of hiding it--I feel like I'm dying inside, sometimes. What caused it? Did the incident with Jeremy (another thing you refuse to touch with me) cause it, that I'm "afraid" of boys/men? Maybe, but maybe it was just another trigger, because again, this came about a bit before I ever met him.
I am not sure why I'm writing you this, or what I think will come of it. Probably nothing. Probably not an actual conversation, but I'm just as much to blame as I'm writing this initial email right now, instead of engaging you in a conversation. Probably because I've found a place I can hang out and feel safe at, accepted at. I've made real friends, locally, that I haven't had in so long, and all of that combined makes me happier than I've been in a long time ... but then very, very sad, because who can I share it with? Them, of course, but not with others who I'd love to--mainly family. Because I wonder if there's something I can do, or didn't do, or have to do, to make this okay, when I listen to people who are younger than I am talk about how accepting their families are, or became over time.
I was told, "maybe if you stopped hiding yourself, your family would be okay with it--even those that don't know yet. How can you expect them to just accept what you're not even letting them know about? They aren't mind readers." This from a 17 year old! I felt silly and enlightened, and very very stupid. I feel insanely old but so childish at the same time.
I like the arrangement we have here, and could have here especially when I begin working--that bills will be cheaper and we'll each have more money for our seperate bills (CC, personal things), but at the same time it feels strange to be on the downhill slide toward thirty, and still feel guilty if I'm out late, which is a rare occurance, or that I have no idea what I'll do if I do meet someone and have a relationship again, because they can't spend the night here without underlying stress or tension, or they might want to move in with me elsewhere, and I know what you've said might happen, or how you'd be, if Shiloh and I left .. and that guilt you lay right there has all but trapped me--I remember exactly how you were when I moved back home; how long it took to pick up the pieces. Twice you've allowed males to move in here, or spend the night sometimes...
But what happens if that person I happen to meet is a girl? On one hand, it'd be so much easier in regards to Shiloh, because girls love to have sleepovers, it's not an uncommon thing, whereas pulling the "sleepover" card with a guy would so not fly. But this, of course, is if I met someone and was still living here. And again, I'm not the one worried about what Shiloh thinks, but it's because I know how you feel about it, and 26/downward stint toward 30 or not, sharing bills eventually or not, this is still your house, not mine. And I'll respect that as long as I'm here.
It doesn't mean, as well, that I want out so I can run some lesbian brothel from my new living space, either. Being gay doesn't suddenly make me dirty.
Plus, I meant what I said when things with Lynnie were still steadily going on. That kind of "physical" relationship isn't one I'm particularly wanting, or after. However, I've come to realise that I rarely enjoy things I have done in that sense with guys--9 times out of 10, I'm method acting: I'm pretending, saying what you're supposed to say when talking about sex, and so on. Lying through my teeth, basically, because I've never actually enjoyed sex with guys, it's all been an act.
Maybe, I'm just writing this for myself, to finally get out half of what I wanted to say, when I first mentioned this to you, when Patti urged me to open up to you; that you wouldn't begin to understand until I started to show you. It's been my fault in just pouting about the fact that "everyone else" seems to accept it, yet I know my family (this goes beyond you; it includes dad, tony, grandparents, etc) would probably hate me for it. I don't understand how, in this day and age and yera, it's still such a big issue. Love is love, is it not? And you've always told me when I have problems or I stress out, to "put it in God's hands," which is exactly why I opened this mail with that quote above. Because when I first heard that on this show I watch, in this particular episode, I started crying. It should be that easy, but prejudice makes it otherwise. Half of "society" would be very surprised to find out just how many people they know, they work with, they go to church with, are really gay or bisexual. I bet I could pin a good handful at your very church! (that was a joke, you are supposed to laugh there.)
So, in light of putting it in God's hands, I've emailed all this to you, with no real clear intention or reason. Other than the fact that .. I think I may have fallen in love with a girl, again, and it makes me ill that I have to hide her, or, that I feel like I'll have to ... in the meantime, I know it wouldn't be that way the other way around, if and when I were to ever meet her family. Is it fair? No ... am I saying it this way to "force" you to just accept this part of me? Of course not. But I'm still me, regardless of all of this.
You said that, that day in the kitchen, and then gave me a hug ... but did you really mean it? Do you think that Dad or Tony would feel that same way, or would they say it because they're "supposed" to, and then hate me/be disgusted by me, anyway? I'm not too concerned with the rest of the family. Knowing that my parental rights would and will be protected, if need be, by one hell of a HUGE organisation in this country, makes me wonder why I am still hiding myself after almost twelve years of trying to do so, but ultimately failing.
Your God is love, and your God doesn't make mistakes, right? I'm not a mistake, and neither is this. And I just can't go on feeling like I am, anymore. I've been missing out on way too much--on a group and culture of people who are much kinder, much more relaxed and easy going to hang out with, than any group of friends I have ever had, in all my life.
I don't know where else to go with this, and will probably be terrified inside until you've read it, and even still after you have. I love you, mom. I'm sorry if this upsets you, and that I'm not normal like everyone else.
h.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
