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i suppose it has to be that i have nowhere else to go, if i come here with something like this. this is not to badmouth anyone, more the fact that i had proof that comfort words were prettily painted but never backed up when the stakes were really high.
whatever though. can't really worry about that when you're dying, right? what? yeah. had a doctor's appointment this morning because my last round of bloodwork came out with liver abnormalities, along with an extremely high WBC. this prompted a lower GI and a colonoscopy to go further when they wanted to be sure that, yes, i have a fistula that's somehow been forming itself in between everything so it hit nothing .. until it hit my liver.
now, dramatics to make it seem fake to keep myself from panicking aside, there are procedures for this, but it requires so much time off i can't do that, and for what? so it can just come right back after awhile, like crohn's always does. so yeah, i'll still play around with the bucket for another few years, maybe even ten, twenty if i'm lucky, before i kick it. prior to this discovery my "expectancy" was approximately 40 years.
they would like to blame it on bulimic/anorectic habits, and if they want to, they can, but i'm still fat and some true friends helped me out of it (somewhat...) rather than just told themselves and others that i was crazy and needed professional help. so they can't prove i ever had a problem with that. sometimes it doesn't take professionals, sometimes all it takes is someone who gives a damn, unconditionally. now i owe these people everything and i have nothing to give.
so why am i coming here about it? i don't know. because for the measly two of you i still even talk to anymore, i'd like to explain without having to get into a conversation about it, why i'm never around. school? yes. externship? truth. graduation (with honors) preparation? sure. but any other freetime i have that isn't spent with shiloh, i spend asleep.
i've been able to lucid dream again, and oh, the places i go are amazing, and who i get to be (a boy, mostly)... honestly it's better than life could really be. i have no idea what i really think about heaven or hell since i tend to not think about either if i can help it, but if it was that we create our own, then may it be where i go at night and in my free afternoons.
for instance, five minutes from now. spend my time far away before i spend it very close to home, close to the vest, close with my pixie, who is the only reason i don't just seek out some kevorkian wanna-be who'd maybe be willing to gut all my intestines out and have it be done with. ::-)
so i'll leave some lyrics here, like i always do, and also an apology for whomever i've pissed off, pushed away, or gotten mad at. while i am not blameless in anything that happened with certain people, i know certain people's slates aren't perfectly clean, either. i at least come forth to admit i did some wrong things, and assumed others. i only wish that i could have the same respect. at this point though, i wouldn't want it, because it'd only be Because I Made This Post. i'd rather forget, even if i will never forgive (which yeah, is backwards from what the big JC wants us to do, but i'm only human, not a saint).
i am trying to cut away, one by one, at demons or unfinished business i've got hanging around inside. this was one of them, and so here is my apology.
lay down
your sweet and weary head,
night is falling
you’ve come to journey's end.
sleep now
& dream of the ones who came before,
they are calling
from across the distant shore...
why do you weep?
what are these tears upon your face?
soon you will see
all of your fears will pass away--
safe in my arms
you're only sleeping...
what can you see
on the horizon?
why do the white gulls call?
across the sea
a pale moon rises
the ships have come to carry you home...
and all will turn
to silver glass,
a light on the water--
all souls pass (into the west...)
hope fades
into the world of night,
through shadows falling
out of memory and time.
don't say: we have come now to the end
white shores are calling,
you & I will meet again...
& you'll be here in my arms
just sleeping...
-- annie lennox: lotr:rotk soundtrack, snippets.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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