|
|
|
|
well, almost. first there will be several careful and cautious conversations with my daughter. after all, it's one thing to explain to a young child (but old enough to know what gay is, and what straight is) that "mommy likes women," or "daddy likes men," but it's another to explain that, "mommy is, for all intents and purposes, a boy inside. outwardly she might start to look like one, except she'll look like one who is trying to look like a girl." totally different to explain that, in time, my name will be changed; that i already have begun to go by a new name in circles, which is a male's name, albeit effeminate; that she can still call me "mommy" though, because i'll probably be what would be considered a 'campy' or 'queen' male -- a male who chooses to personify a woman.
androgynous? i don't know. FTM? i think so. "ftmtranny" i was told in a livejournal community i found, geared toward xx-men, and the xy-men who love them for who they are.
i found what i thought was impossible (then again, EVERYTHING can be too good to be true), however where i live? HA. it isn't so easy, and won't be. but i know, now, how i want to spend the rest of the time i have.
i want to spend it not hiding.
the first step was the name, second will be to chop off all my hair, again. quite like "johnny's" haircut -- short/spiked in the back to the top of the head, and then mid-crown to front is 2 or so inches, angling longer toward the jaw. third is wardrobe, although that is already questionably andro/male.
i have looked into T therapy and surgeries, and found they are far more accesable/affordable than i thought; that 90 percent of ftm's are content with just T therapy and don't need/want surgeries. although the excessive body hair that'd come from T is offputting (body hair of anysort is a major turnoff to me, beyond faint-faint in the genital area), i shave everyday already, so what's a bit more hair to tend to? but i like how my voice is in between, and i have more weight to lose before worrying about hormones redistributing what would remain.
and i've learnt that it really has nothing to do with the hormone within, although it helps ... it's what i am.
and i'm not a girl. i don't think i ever have been, and i think that is finally, finally the answer to what i came here about what seems so long ago now. relationships with guys, or girls, has never worked because i am not a lesbian, i am not a straight girl, i'm not a girl at all.
from misplaced to liminal ('on a threshhold') to transformed. i've found who i am, even if far too late.
-l.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
first of all is not too late..... second it takes guts to do what you are about to do..... i'm very happy for you because it seems you have found what really wanted and i can see you are going to be more happy with what you are about to do.
good luck telling your child..... it might be confusing at first but then later on everything will make sense... lets just hope she accepts you for what you are....
damn! it was such good news to hear....... The Best of Luck for You!
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I think it's great and hope everything will turn out just like you want it to.
I don't know how things are where you live but I'd like to share with you a little about how things are here (in Israel).
This year, for the first time, the elected head of The Aguda (the Association of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexuals and Transgenders in Israel) is a transgender (MTF). Thanks to her a lot more transgenders came out of the closet and more importantly the whole issue, which has been always kind of pushed to the sides, been given more thought and time.
I am now volunteering in an organization called Hoshen. We go to High schools and talk to classes of students telling them our personal stories of coming out and such. You'd be surprised how well they receive us in their classes.
It was there I met for the first time transsexuals and heard a couple of their life stories. Some were forty years old, some were thirty years old and some were even as young as twenty. I have so much respect for you for understanding and accepting yourself as you are, it took me quite a while to accept myself as gay but even now I can't imagine how it was for you.
What I'm trying to say is that it is never too late or even late, it is just in time  .
Hmmm... I've rambled on enough I think so just let me wish you good luck again and say that it does take a lot of guts and I'm happy for you
Hugs,
Gil
Searching for the light at the end of the bed...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Steve
|
 |
Really getting into it |
Location: London, England
Registered: November 2006
Messages: 465
|
|
|
WB 
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
saben
|
 |
On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
|
|
|
I'm so happy for you that you can finally start to feel like you are headed to where you should be. I guess now it is easier for me to see just why none of us could really understand your position. I mean, as far as I know I've never met a "Drag King" or female-> male transvestite in my life, although I did see one once on a documentary that seemed to be making use of testosterone in order to 'become' male.
It will be hard no doubt, you will be a minority amongst minorities but there will be people who care about you for who you are, me amongst them. You and Shiloh love each other and your astrological charts speak of close bonds. It won't be easy for her, either, but I know it is the right thing and she is going to try her hardest to understand. I'm sure you will be a much better parent once you are comfortable with yourself (maybe for the first time in your life).
I don't really know what else to say, but you have my undying respect and love for having the courage to standup and admit this and do something about it. I know you'll have the strength to cope with whatever it throws at you.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
 |
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
|
|
|
You know, you are not the first here with this issue, though you may be the first to resolve it.
Telling your daghter will be odd and will make you weep, but it won't be a bad experience for either of you.
What woudl be interesting is if you were born with indeterminate gender and if being a girl was something created by surgeons. Even so the fact of a daughter militates against this.
It's going to be an easier road to walk than you fear, I think
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
i'll nail it all here, because it's easier than board clutter.
M and gil, thanks a bunch for your kind words and support. it sounds all trite and stuff, but that does mean a lot to me; i need this quite a bit. this ftm community on livejournal, they are nice and VERY helpful, but are also very UNbiased. so they told me my haircut sucked for passing as anything male or even possibly andro (which ideally, for me, i'd rather an androgynous look than outwardly "male" seeing as how i myself identify with a feminine (or would that be campy? ::-)  ) male) and now i am sad and regretting the hour and some change it took me to cut it this morning.
also, that is very interesting what is going on in israel. i read a disheartening article at school today about the push for the amendment changes, and it it at least reassuring to know that not only are gay/lesbian rights more open/safe elsewhere, but also for transgendered folk.
saben -- thank you especially, because of all that time you went through charting back then, and because i know you (and others) tried so hard to understand all my ranting and whining and moodiness, but never could.
hopefully shi doesn't hate me. on the plus side, she said my hair was "weird but fun to touch." she's never seen it shorter than like, my jaw. ;-D
the confusing part is, i don't know if i'd be a drag-king. i mean i suppose by definition i am. but what is it called when a girl who knows within she is a guy, tries to make herself outwardly to be a guy--who likes to look like a girl? i get SO lost on that. it shouldn't matter, it should matter what's within, but the sad fact remains that it's what we look like outside that draws the attention. so to draw the attention of what i am looking for, i have to at least pass for andro. i don't think i can as you'll see below.
you needn't say anything else, because your timeless and unconditional support has been more than enough--yours and others too (some who've gone quiet on the board, but he knows who he is). thank you.
timmy -- do you think that i should tell her now, or wait a bit yet, and feed her bits at a time? also, i used to wonder/dream if i was born a boy for real, and something odd happened after birth. because i just .. i don't know. i function sexually as a 'stereotype' guy (well, quirky things, like ranging from body reactions to orgasm, to the need to sleep and dislike to cuddle-talk for TOO long after, to what i think of, to the shameful habits i have of falling in/out of love) but there's also many feminine qualities to balance it. and then i go in circles and realise there is no balance, and i'd go insane trying to find it.
anyway, the first part of my haircut is done. i had to stop today because i had to get to class.
here is what i was basing it off:
and here is what it is:
and then a side (the lighting is bad, so you can't see the spikes as well) :
i realise that my front/bangs are much longer than alex band's (johnny in my story) above .... this is because i still have some odd issue that i need to have my face/eyes covered. like the kitten-in-a-bag syndrome: if they can't see my eyes/if i can't see out, then that means my fat face is invisible.
within a day or so i'll start cutting away at the front, i'm sure. no one in the ftm community was RUDE, or mean, but ... they let me know i can't pass for shit. :'-(
oh well, right? i guess it doesn't matter, it matters what's inside.
anyhoo, i've post-babbled long enough. thanks again you guys ... your words mean more than you know.
always,
leander
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
sorry.. but maybe i'm not supposed to say this or maybe it doesn't mean anything to you but i think you are a pretty girl or man whatever you want to describe yourself as... ( yes i do appreciate the female beauty sometimes even if i look at guys more often )
maybe is the shorter hair... i have a think with girst that don't have such long hair.... more like what showed in the picture..
sorry .. i just felt like saying it.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
|
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
|
|
|
Kids understand things much easier than any of us believe. So, when you feel you and she are ready, just tell her how complicated your life is and how, living as a guy, you will feel much easier. And allow her to know you are scared when you are.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
don't apologise... i really appreciate you saying so. kind of (and this sounds SO retarded i know) like there's more validity in your opinion, than theirs.
probably i'm going to wind up cutting more at the front strands. it takes more work than i wanted to make them lay/fall 'just so.' and one side is thicker than the other, and the other that is not thicker, is longer (i have a crazy, natural part). i'll refrain from littering the board with pics though, hehe! that makes me nervous, hence still needing hair to hide behind.
it's strange to walk around, campus and stores and such, in what i feel is (despite nothing changing except a hair style) new skin. not all bad, though. sometimes i pretend people aren't assuming i'm a butchy lesbian or whatever. i pretend they don't know what i am at all, and that makes me feel better.
(however, as for drag-kinging it [for saben, hehe], there IS a show at the club i went to with my ex, a lot, in june. i'm thinking about it, though i have no one to go there with now, and going alone to places like this is like walking into the lion's den.)
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I hope I'm not stepping out of line being as you don't really know me and I don't really know you but there are a couple of things I'd like to say...
I'd like to comment on what you said about being a campy male or drag queen and about how it fits you or not.
As part of my training at Hoshen (where I'm volunteering) I had lectures about sexuality and gender. I don't know if you've heard about Kinsey's scale of homosexuality but let me sum it up in short. It is a scale from zero to six describing the orientation of sexual desire being from completely straight to completely gay. Kinsey published his research and scale back in the 50's, however today it is no longer sufficient. Today we have a better way of describing one's sexuality, There is a set of five scales that together can be used to just that.
Please remember that each one of these is a scale and not necessarily binary.
1) Biological identity - the gender I belong to biologically (male - female)
2) Gender identity - the gender I feel I belong to (male - female)
3) Gender behavior - the gender I act as though I belong to (male - female)
4) Sexual attraction - the sex I am attracted to (male - female)
5) Sexual behavior - the sex I act as though I am attracted to (male - female)
(I apologize but translating is not my strong suit)
The reason I gave here this module for sexual orientation is to make a point, one that I didn't understand before I saw this. There are many many more combinations then just being gay, lesbian, straight, FTM, MTF. It is possible for a person to be for example a biological male who knows he is a woman, acts as woman and is attracted to women while still only having sex with males. (I actually came up with even more complicated possibilities, try it  )
All I'm trying to say here is that just because you feel you are a man doesn't mean you have to feel macho, those are two different things and are not dependent one each other.
Another thing I wanted to say was about moods and looks. When I'm feeling down and I look at myself in the mirror I don't like the way I look at all and I find something wrong with each of my features. When I feel good or happy I look at mirror and I know I look good, so I'm not a model but I am attractive. It shows. When I went out happy I got more looks and liked getting them. When I felt down but still went out (I have very insistent friends) I got less looks and also interpreted them differently.
I realized that if I feel good about myself it shows in the way I present myself, in my body language. So as long as you like the way you look or the change in your look just go out and you'll be beautiful.
BTW I don't know if it means anything and as I said it shouldn’t but I still think you look good in this haircut, I like it .
If you made it this far let me say again how happy I am for you and let nothing hold you back!!! 
Searching for the light at the end of the bed...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
that scale is.
1-4 fits, 2 and 3 especially, but 5 confuses me. i haven't had any other opportunities except black or white; sleeping with male or female. i've yet to have a relationship with someone like me.
( PS - i hair-hacked one last time. http://www.angelfire.com/space/starchild/thegirl/april04.htm and i've proceeded to make myself look more like a girl trying to be male in the bull kind of sense, rather than a boy trying to appear a girl. i know, i soooo know it shouldn't matter and does NOT matter, but it still sort of does when i know right now what i will attract is every lesbian under the sun. 
there are so many combinations though, and it's my hope that maybe there's someone, many someone's, who are like me and keep it locked inside or do not show it.
what i need is a nice boy (doesn't even have to be gay--just open minded and not stereotypically ... straight-acting/dressing) to take me and make me over.
(or well,one who lives on this side of the world!)
is there any websites about that mention more about this kinsey scale, or the research? i'd be very interested to read.
thank you so much, gil! :-*
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
Congratulations 
