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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Meh, I may as well say it. It's been tearing at me for a while now.
Okay, earlier this year I started a chess ECA (extra-curricular activity, you have to do at least two a week) and I noticed this one kid while I was waiting for it to start, who happened to be in year 7. Well, he happened to look really cute, being shorter than the average year 7 by quite a bit, having these sweet freckles, and the warmest smile... Anyhow, during the ECA I played some of my friends at chess, but I liked this kid, and one time I did get to play him at a game of chess, then playing him the week later, and the week after that. During this time, I learnt his name was Steve May (but not from him). I began to really like him, but I wanted to develop a frienship. Anyhow, after that for a few weeks, we didn't get to play a game of chess, yet I did see him around school quite often, yet I wanted to take our relationship futher and become friends, especially as this kid is younger than me, and I was always the youngest in my family but I was too shy to try to talk to him. Anyhow, skip foward to last friday. I managed to get to play him again, and we played, and talked. I mentioned MSN, and suggested that he got it. It wasn't much, but at least it was a step. The next day (being a Saturday), I got an e-mail message from someone (who had Steve in his e-mail address), who claimed to be him. I was extatic, thinking at least I could futher our relationship, becoming good friends and such. Well, we talked about various things, games, school and so on. Anyhow, as it was a bankholiday, I didn't get back to school on Tuesday, but I didn't see Steve once that day. I was quite depressed (especially due to the fact that my coursework marks were rubbish), but then it got even worse as I discovered that the person who claimed to be Steve that I was talking to online actually happened to be someone else on my contact list who had played a prank on me. So much for futhering our relationship. I was heartbroken, and really upset and blocked him. Wednesday, nothing much really happened except at lunch, we skipped the last quater of an hour of maths and went straight to lunch, Year 7s have lunch quater of an hour before year 11s (which is what I'm in), so normally I'd miss him, and I took this oppurtunity and sat down at his table, with a bunch of other year 7s, but not next to him as there happened to be another kid in the way. He didn't even seem to glance at me, which was quite annoying... Though that evening, I did mention about him to my mum, and I was pleased she didn't take it the wrong way, thinking I might be some homosexual peadophile or something, but instead seemed to understand and supported me, which felt good. Today, I was deterimined to at least say hi, let him know that I was interested in him (not in a sexual or gay way, people). At the end of break, I saw him walking to ICT, and as I walked past, I said "Hi Steve" while raising my hand in greeting (not over my head, he was just infront of me). It may have just been my imagination, imagining what I wanted to hear, but I think he either said "Hey" back or "Mmmm" in acknowledgement of my greeting, but I'm not to sure. Anyhow, I decided later to try again later on in the day. I tried to catch him on the way to the last lesson (ceramics for me, sport for him) but apparently I was too late, as I didn't see him. At the end of the lesson, the year 7s were walking to the changing rooms, he walked right by me yet I was silent, being to shy to speak up. But I was deterimined to talk to him when he finished changing. So I waited by the ceramics area, which happened to be next to the changing room. Eventually, he came out, and I was nervous, but suddenly, he changed direction, walking to the boarding houses, which annoyed me, as I wished he could come this way so I could get to speak to him. But what's worse is that there was a sixth former, walking right beside him, they were chatting, playing some sort of game thing, doing what friends do. Ouch, that hit me very deep. At the moment, I truely wish that that I could be in the place of that sixth former. I don't think it's his brother, as they look quite different. *sigh* I just wish I could have a good relationship with him. As a friend, as a little brother...
I pray to God that I can get to have a good relationship with this boy, and have the courage to talk to him tommorow, and not just say "Hi" or "Hey" but a proper conversation, get to know him. I wish it could be so...
I don't know why I post this. But they do say a problem shared is a problem halved and I expect you guys will be understanding. Though if you've got any advice I'd be happy to hear it.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Friends is what you want, so friends is what you aim for. Sex and lust and love and stuff will just confuse the whole thing.
To win someone's friendship you don't just have to be where they are, you have to be interested in hearing them tell you about them. They have lives and you have to be interested in the minutiae of theirs without even considering your needs...... until they choose to be friends with you too.
This is all the more difficult if you are not classically heterosexual, and if you find them at peast pleasing to look at and feel a stirring in the loins when you are near them. But friends is where it starts and stops, at least for now.
The prank brat is annoying. Ah well.
I'm guessing you are UK by the description of the school, and spelling of "mum". Souinds similar to the type of school I went to.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Yep, I am from the UK (Hampshire to be exact). As for my school, it's quite liberal. No school uniform, lots of different nationalities and religions and such.
Quote:Friends is what you want, so friends is what you aim for. Sex and lust and love and stuff will just confuse the whole thing.
Ofcourse, I do not intend to have sex. The age difference is one thing against us, plus I could, quite frankly, never do that to him. At least not untill he's at least serveral years older.
Quote:To win someone's friendship you don't just have to be where they are, you have to be interested in hearing them tell you about them.
I would gladly listen to him telling me about himself all day, if I got the oppurtunity.
Quote:They have lives and you have to be interested in the minutiae of theirs without even considering your needs.
I am interested in his life, very much so. I just don't get a chance to show interest. I just want a conversation. Have him talk about what he likes and dislikes. Back at my old school, we had captains and moniters (and then prefects were added), and in year 6 and 7, I wanted to be one just so I could be that one guy that all the younger years respected and looked up to, whom I could help them with their worries, cheer them up when they're sad and so on. Just be like a big brother to them. Perhaps this is because I'm the youngest in a large family. This is what I want to be like to Steve.
Quote: and if you find them at peast pleasing to look at and feel a stirring in the loins when you are near them.
I do find him pleasing to look at, and do get a wierd feeling in my chest when I see him. But I've never got 'excited down there'.
Quote:But friends is where it starts and stops, at least for now.
Getting it to start seems to the hard part. *sighs*
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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It can be quite hard to have a real friendship across year groups. It all depends on how your school is organised. Mine was rigid and cross age friendships were discouraged. My son's was active in promoting cross age friendships in his house, but other houses were constructed to discourage it. Coincidentally that was Hampshire, too, but I am sure it is not the same school
Steve has to walk towards you, really. But starting that can only be done by being where he is, and your being a part of his world in the clubs and things where he is interested. I am guessing he is a boarder and you are not, too. This makes a friendship the more challenging because you go outy of his life each day.
Year 7 makes him 12/13? And I am guessing you are 17/18? You are going to open yourself up to the "gay" accusations. How comforatable are you with that at this point in your life? Are you new to the school? It sort fo "feels" like that.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Timmy is wise, he gives good advice here...
You want to be friends with this guy, but he is a lot younger than you and could maybe feel shy or a bit intimidated by you if you push too hard. Just take it easy, dont't force the issue. The chess thingy could be a good way, where you could maybe get to know him a little in a relaxed manner.
Take care, and no matter what happens:
WELCOME to the board! Stay a while and talk to us, we love to meet new people. Soon you'll find a friend or two here as well I'll wager. 
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Now i can't comment about the school system since here in the United States is totally different. The way things are done is just different.
However, what i want to talk about is how completly understand your feelings. I know is very hard to make friends. Just getting the guts to finally do it takes a lot of work. Ways i meet people: we have same class, practice same sport, go on fieldtrips together and get asing to the same group, work on a group together, or sometimes i meet them through other friends. It is all it takes, just one opportunity in which we could exchange words then we just continue talking and usually become friends. I find it very difficult to just go to random person or anybody to start a conversation. I need to have a reason in order to do so. When i find the right time, i just take a chance and it usually goes well.
From what i read i see you guys have a common interest. You play chess. Well for me it would a great place to start a good friendship. Just talk to him like he is your best buddy. Tell him things about you to show him he can trust you and let him know you can always talk to him. I know once someone starts talking to me, usually i know they will continue talking to me for the rest of the time. I'm easy guy to talk to. Try not to be so shy (i know is hard) but a friendship begins with trust.
Just becareful and don't get in trouble with your school about the age difference. Just play it safe.
By the way, nice to meet you. My name is Mike ( i'm 16 years old ) and even if i often don't post here, i check the board just about everyday and read what people are posting.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Quote:Year 7 makes him 12/13? And I am guessing you are 17/18?
He's 11, I think, maybe 12. I'm 16, and have my GCSEs soon (oh joy...) as for how my school's organised, it's not really rigid, but the years are spread out, and people usually stay with their specific years. And I can't really go to the year 7 classrooms, as that would be just quite wierd. Not just for me, but for him as well.
Quote:But starting that can only be done by being where he is, and your being a part of his world in the clubs and things where he is interested.
I would, but I don't really know what he does at lunch and break. He may hang out around the year 7 classroms (like year 9s around year 9 classrooms, year 11s around year 11 classrooms and so on). As I said, I couldn't like just go to the year 7 classrooms as that would just be wierd, and Lenny is right about the possibility of me being intimitated about him, and I don't want to like scare him off or anything. Really, the only real time I get to talk to him is during chess. Today, I did manage to talk to him. And we were like bonding. And we just chatted and such. We also arranged a game for next week, which is good. Now that the ice is broken, I can get to know him better. Now, if my stupid shyness didn't keep on getting in the way...
Quote:You are going to open yourself up to the "gay" accusations. How comforatable are you with that at this point in your life?
Meh, I already do. And even though I find it annoying, I can deal with it. I also get called a peadophile for some unkown reason. Perhaps it was because I brought in a CD to school and named it 'childporn' but it infact had some schoolwork on. Come on, it's a joke! A joke! Not meant to be taken seriously! Also could perhaps be because I display fondess towards the year 7s (for instance, playing Steve at chess, talking to them and such). What can I say, I like kids. Nothing wrong with that. Not like I'm sexually attracted to them or anything, or would abuse them or whatever.
And no, I'm not new to the school. Been there for a few years now.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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chess is the key. And neither be shy nor pushy. Keep it light and happy. and just be yourself totally.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Yeah, I guess chess is the key, but it's only once a week, and due to exams, I'll only be able to go to it a few more times this year...
Oh who am I kidding? I doubt I'll be sucessful, and get to know Steve as a friend. I won't ever have a sort of 'little brother' (like Steve) or a son... I'll just die an old lonely man in 60 or so years time having acomplished nothing and with no-one to care about my passing...
A word of advice, do not watch the Video to Mike and the Mechanics- the Living Years when you're sad. It's quite depressing...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Just follow this thread to where it leads. When you reach the end of it there will be a new thread to follow.
Depressing videos do hurt rather.
You are right, of course. Steve may never become your friend, BUT you will always step in to protect him. And you will get to know him some.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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A new thread... But will it be one of sorrow or happiness? Whom can tell...
As for this week, I have tried to get to know him. Talking to him on Monday on the way back from morning notices when the entire convo was basically "Hi" "Hello" "How was your weekend?" "It was good thanks." "Do anything interesting?" "No, not really" "Heh, same. So, what lesson do you have now?" "Science" "Which one?" "Biology." "Ah... Have fun!". First time I've spoken to him outside of chess, so at least he knows I am genually interested in him. Yesturday, I talked to him again at the end of school, which I didn't actually expect. And the convo went "Hey." "Hello" "How was your day?" "Tiring!" "Tell me about it, I was up untill midnight last night!" "Why?!" "Oh, just, er, playing on my computer and stuff." "Oh. Hey, that's nice car" "Yeah, wonder what it is." *silence for a few moments "So, where are you off to now?" (asked by him no less, first time he's asked me something "Oh, I'm just off to my mum's car over there." "I'm off to Hamilton House." (the boarding house), "Oh, have fun." Then, I went to my mum's car and drove off. Didn't want her to see me with a year 7. Especially when she accidently got the idea that I have a crush on him. Anyhow, I was quite happy. That being out longest convo so far. Now today... The day of reckoning... I had intended to talk to him today after morning talk (which I knew would be on the diving trip to Egypt), and I had planned what I was going to say... But it did not go to plan at all... Firstly, for some reason I couldn't summon up enough courage to even say hi, for some reason... Then the convo consited of "So, did you enjoy that morning talk?" "Yeah." "Cool. Have you ever been to Egypt." "No" "Oh, I went at the end of year 8. It was good fun." "Okay" then he ran off with the other year 7s. Somehow he seemed quite a bit less chaty than yesturday...
But, it gets worse. At lunch, I hear news that the ceramics group is going to some exhibition on Friday lunch time... Friday, now why does that seem significant? Mmm... Oh right, I have chess with Steve then! And I promised him a match. Being as stupid as I am, I failed to hide my feelings and shouted "NO!" really loudly... Then he asked why, and I said "I'll miss chess." and then he said "So will I. What's the big deal?" "Oh, you wouldn't understand?" "Oh, I know, it's because you want to play your lover-boy, Steve isn't it?" Then I said "He is NOT my lover-boy, and... maybe." Then, I can't really remember what happened but I know there was a lot of calls of "Lover-boy" or something like that... So, missing chess. My one ray of light in an otherwise dark world. How else am I going to get to know him? I don't have much time left, litterally. Study leave starts soon and then... the great doom of my time: GCSEs. Followed by the summer hols... 8 or more so weeks of non-stop boredom, and not seeing Steve. Probably longer due to the exams... Argh, it's so unfair. Fate is acting against me... I just want to get to know him as friend. I was the youngest in a family of seven people, and the age difference between me and the second oldest is about five years. Always had I wanted a younger brother, or at least a brother my age... Steve can be that younger brother, but it seems fate doesn't want it... Anyhow, in the afternoon walking to games me and my friend had another argument about Steve which I can't remember too well, only things I can remember is me asking if it's so hard for a year 11 to have a non-sexual relationship and be friends with a year 7, and him saying that it wasn't normal. And one of rare times when I raised my voice...
Anyhow, I take it you haven't seen the Living Years video. It's not so much depressing, it's just I percieve it to be such. There's lots of scenes that just add up together. One bit, Mike is looking out from a window, at his son (who could be around 9 years old) who's sitting on a boat, and stroking a dog. And another bit it shows Mike squatting down, apparently talking or pointing out to his son, who is like happy and laughs and such. Combined with the images of a boys choir singing the chorus, and images of the wide countryside from the air, in the second verse being red, sunset like, and the sea, as well as these images of the father and son together (including one bit when they're at Mike's father's (the boy's grandfathers) grave and they're standing there and then the boy walks off, followed a few moments later by the father/Mike) and such, the song ending with the a view of Mike and his son walking along a high ridge in the middle of the countryside, by the sea, Mike's arm around the boy's shoulder, and the camera zooms out, the two figures visable, the father and son together, in the countryside, the sea below... I guess it's because of my longing for a friendship with Steve as well longing for having a son for myself, which due to certain circumstances *cough*being attracted to males*cough* it seems ever so unlikely. No-one to watch grow up, support, help them through their downs, and share with their ups, have a good relationship... I'll just die alone...
Just re-read the post. Man, that's quite hard to follow. Sorry for not putting the speech on different lines like you're meant to but I don't want to like make it too long or anything... Also, now that I think about it, it seems pretty pointless... I'm sorry for wasting your time, I'm sure you have more important things to do than listen to the whinings of a sixteen year old who has no self-esteem and is fond of an eleven year old and wants to have son... *sigh*
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ahhh my friend, i know the pain and emptyness hyou feel, and if i could, if you would but let me, i would do all i could to make your life the happiest i knew how. *hugs*
be yourself eothain, you're a great person, wonderful to be around, wonderful to talk to, and you make my life a lot brighter just by being there for me.
have you ever thought he might be shy/intimidated of you. you may not be the tallest person i know, but you are fairly big, especially comapred to someone his age and stature...
you don't whine my friend, and there is nothing more important to me than you, nor is there anything wrong with "being attracted to males" nor anythin g to be ashamed of.
i know you eothain, i know what your like, and while you are shy, you are also kind, calm, gentle, and loving. (and also bloody cute!)i see no reason why later on in your life you won't have a loving wife and a son of your own to love and cherish.
you're a great guy eothain, don't do yourself down
life has its ups and downs on occasion, and at the moment, with exam pressure it may seem like more downs than ups, but life will get better, things will change, and you'll find the friendship, the happiness, and ultimatly the love you seek. i know you will
if you ever feel you want to meet again, i'm always gonna be there for you my friend, and like you i have a long boring summer to look forward to. i'd be happy to spend some of that time with you, and make it less boring. the decision is, and always will be, yours
Aden
Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, set fieri sentio et excrucior
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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So... Here we are over a month later... Much has changed since then. I've done my GCSEs (not too bad... Except maybe biology and chemistry... One's I intend to take for A/S level too, nuts!), I've finished school, saying goodbye to some of my old friends (alas, I'll probably never see some of them again). Has much changed with Steve? A bit perhaps. As well as with the other year 7s... Since I last posted, it's mainly just been conversations, trying to get to know him and such. Also, I've gotten to know a few other year 7s as well one of which says "Hey Hugh" whenever he sees me... Now, it's been the last two or so weeks when stuff has really happened. During exams, you can be at school when you're not actually having an exam which is what I did a lot of the time. Though officially for study perpouses, I used it often for playing football with my friends. Anyhow, flashback to last Monday (was it only then?! It seems so long ago...) I was in school as per usual, and I watched a few year 7s play football, and I collected the ball for them when it went out a few times, and recieved a few thankyous. However, there's something comforting about watching a bunch of year 7s play football while it's raining (I like rain, it's refreshing). Anyhow, Tuesday is the most important day. Initially I inteded to watch the year 7s and perhaps get involved myself, but it turned out it was Sports day (nuts, I had intended to enter in the open event, oh well). Anyway, I spent the first bit of it watching while hanging around with the year 7s, then at around 2pm, it was Steve's race. Well, to cut a long story short, he came last (alas), but I cheered for him quite loudly, hoping he'd appriciate it... However, just as I was going to congratulate him on running well (even if he lost... I know what it's like) but then I saw him getting into a car... Thinking he was about to leave, I rushed up to congratulate him before he left... Yet I was somewhat surpsied... He was crying! Seeing a friend crying whom you've never seen do so before is quite wierd, especially when they're four years younger than you. Apparently he had hurt his knee when running. Now, this was a perfect oppurtunity to be 'big brotherly' and show my support for him... So I stood by, talked a bit tried to cheer him up, and at one stage I put one arm around his shoulder, kinda squeezed him a bit and said "There, there, don't cry. I'm sure the pain will go eventually." Okay, perhaps a tad corny... Anyhow, eventually he cheered up... I signed his bandage (Hope you get well soon -Hugh) and hanged about... Sort of playing with some of the year 7s (having sword fights with sashes, quite fun really!). Wednesday... A day filled with doubt... Secretly, I was hoping he'd be a bit more open after I'd been there for him when he's hurt, but alas it wasn't so, leading me to doubt whether or not he even appriciated it... (also, my last exam- history took place on that day). Thursday, I didn't go into school. Friday, I had to to hand back text books and such... Friday was the day of chess which I was looking foward to. However, it wasn't on for some reason. Then while randomly pacing in the direction of the lower school playground (I wasn't going anywhere in paticular) I suddenly heard the sounds of "We get Hugh!" and "Hugh, come join us!" Looking up, I noticed one of the year 7s beckonning me. Yes! Finally get a chance to do stuff. So I went and played football. Scored two goals, right... Missed an open goal (Can you say Beckham?) and anyway, it was fun playing with them. Steve joined as well and it was fun... That evening, I intended to meet Steve to talk to him... However, I realized he wasn't coming down... Eventually, some of the other kids left untill it was just Steve on his own playing football. So, I decied to go and ask if he needed a player. Well, we played for a bit (trying to kick the ball into a basket ball hoop) then had penalty shoot outs, then a match... Ending up as 2-1 to me when my mum came... Saturday was founders day... Basically the last chance to see many people as they'd be leaving. I spent most of it with my best friend (who was leaving afterwards) and eventually he left... Alas, another friend lost... Also, I didn't get a chance to talk to Steve. I saw him twice, once with a bunch of year 7s, and once on his own... Shame, it would have been a good oppurtunity... So, come the end of the day, I was somewhat depressed as my friends had gone, and I didn't get to talk to Steve... Now fast foward to Monday... Lunch time, I wanted to play football with the year 7s, but the three main ones which I knew weren't there, and the year 10s were playing... With year 10s and my three main aquantinces in year 7 not there, I wasn't too inticed to play. In the evening, I was pacing randomly, and one of the year 7s (actually, the same one that says "Hey Hugh" and invited me on Friday) invited me to play. It was just him, me, a girl and Steve. So, we played for a bit. Good fun, then the boy left... Then the girl left... Untill it was just me and Steve. We played for a bit and then I tried a bit of making our friendship (or whatever it is) official I said: "Look Steve, I know I'm four years older than you" "Yeah." "but I really like you and would like to be your friend" "Yeah" "and I hope you'd like to be mine" "Yeah." The yeahs were Steve's respone... Thinking he actually meant yes, he'd like to be my friend, and yes I am his friend (was that what he meant? Perhaps.) I accepted it and then we departed... Fast foward to today... Lunch time, I played football with the year 7s and 10s (good playing against year 10s, I can be violent without fear of causing too much injury, and plus, I don't object to hurting year 10s compared to year 7s!) and such... Steve was there, and such... Didn't get to talk to him. That afternoon, I wrote a note which I intended to give to him. The note reads "Remeber, Steve, I'll always be here for you as a friend. If you ever feel lonely, upset by anything or just want to talk to a friend, do not hesitate to phone me or E-mail me -Hugh". On the otherside, it has my home number, my mobile number and my two e-mail address (well, one's actually my parent's which I hijacked). I intended to give it to him but alas, I was too shy, sort of... I was hoping to give it to him after playing football in the evening, but he was walking to HH with a friend. I could have followed I guess, and given it to him after he and his friend had split ways, but I think I thought he'd be back... How wrong I was... Now, the thing approaches which I have been dreading most (used to by exams, but after meeting Steve, it somewhat changed)... The summer holidays (yes, I know that seems strange coming from a kid... I'm just like Harry Potter!). Now, there's just two days left of term... Tommorow, however, the year 7s are going to France for a day (6am start, the poor things!)... So that just leaves me Friday... Friday... the day the doom of men (or me) shall be decided... Friday is what it all hinges on... On Friday I must give Steve that note... It'll give me hope... Maybe he will phone or e-mail me... After all, I've been nice to him... I'm somewhat scared... I have no room for failure so I must be sucessful... Yet even if I am... I still have around eight weeks in which I almost certainly won't see him... Eight weeks... Surely you know how long that is when you're missing someone? Out of sight, out of mind does not work for me (which is a shame as it would be usefull)... I have eight weeks in which I won't see him and it saddens me... greatly. Seeing him over the hols? It's not likely. For one thing, he lives in London, about 40 miles away, and also he's going to Plymouth (even futher away)... So now... All rests on Friday... He'll take my note and perhaps he'll be touched by it... Perhaps he'll like hug me or something (well, we can dream)! Still, just me giving it to him will give me hope. Hope that he'll phone me or e-mail me... Heck, he may get MSN messenger and we can talk! That would be great! But still, it'll give me hope which is basically all that keeps me going at the moment. Steve, where-ever you are, know that I'll always be here for you... I... love you... Kinda... As a friend! A brother!!!
A brother, a friend. Yes I would like to become friends with him and sort of like a 'big brother' to him, and he could be my 'little brother' and we'd have a really close and nice relationship and such. As I'm the youngest in a large family, I always wanted a younger brother. Someone that I could like cheer up when they're down, listen to their secrets and fears and dreams and desires and support and be there for. Ofcourse, I feel like this online as well with a few people, but with Steve it could be a real life relationship.
So anyway, that's sort of me now... and the last month... Yeah...
Please don't phone the policy or mental asylum.
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I think it's fairly common, as one gets older, to forget the incredible, ridiculously high highs and low lows that one encounters in day to day existence as a teen. Maybe this is a protective device, to keep us from seeking ever more intense experiences to re-create those mood swings, and in the process, quite possibly killing ourselves.
Thank You, eothain, for reminding me how it is to be a teen.
cheers!
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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Yes, thanks for the glimpse into your daily life, as well as your thoughts and feelings. It's easy to forget what it was like, soon half my life will have passed since I was in the same position you are now, and the reminder is actually a welcome one. So again, thanks for sharing.
Also, I hope you find the courage to pass on that note. As for if Steve takes you up on your offer to be his friend, well, we can only wait and see. As long as you feel you did your best to show you're willing to be a good friend and possibly sort of a brother, you shouldn't beat yourself up in case he doesn't feel the same way in return. Perhaps easy to say, but to be fair, when we're Steve's age, we are more immature and don't value things the same way we do later on in life. Maybe he's not yet able to appreciate an offer like the one you're giving him...
Anyway, I'm hoping for the best. Take care.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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I'm flattered that you think that was a note from Timmy that you were agreeing with...one can only hope to become so sage one day.
*laugh*
cheers!
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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My mistake, I don't know why I thought I was replying to timmy... Anyway, it was a good post IMO, and thanks for not getting upset with me.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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To those that thank me for giving you an insight into the life of a teenager, you're welcome! I hope you enjoyed it and such! Anyhow, I met with Steve at the end of the day (helping him as he was struggling with his school bag. I know what THAT's like!) and I gave him the note. He didn't read it just then, but I imagine he would have when he got the time... So now the ball's in his court (let's hope the match isn't postponed due to bad weather, haha!)... and now I can live on hope, as to quote Galadriel in LoTR "Yet hope remains while company is true." He has my number, and I pray that he'll contact me... If he does, it'll provide a stronger high than any drug on the face of this planet (though I've never actually done drugs, but it's just an anology)! Now, to pray that he contacts me... Please... I could fail all my GCSEs and not care if he contacted me... Oh I hope he does... Please.... please... please... *fades out into the distance*
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Steve is kind of grateful for the help, that I am sure of. He will be grateful for the friendship too, I am sure of that. It's great to have a hero, and you may well be a hero for him.
Just don't expect him to contact you, nor wait for it, nor pin your hopes on it. For, if you do, summer will not happen for you. Rememere what you were like at his age? A huge length of time has passed proprotionate to your age between being his age and your age.
So, choose to believe that he will not get in touch. It is probabaly the truth. Yet, if he does, read nothing into it either. He's a kid. To be fair, though it doesn't feel like it, so are you. Loads of time for you each to grow in stature and so much else
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Your advice is rather good if you don't mind me saying, Timmy. What you say is true, for sure (argh, I sound like my old maths teacher)... I don't expect him to contact me, and even though I'd like it, and hope it to happen, I would... But I know for certain this summer will be filled with boredom... My one outlet, archery, was crushed today as apparently as I hadn't done it for four years, I have to wait untill September to start... Even more things that I have to wait untill september for... Seeing Steve again, Rome: Total War, archery, and the ever fun prospects of A/S work (actually, I'm somewhat looking foward to it... It should be an interesting experience). What's most annoying is that there was (unlike last time) another kid there whom I guess would be about 13 whom I could have perhaps become friends with, and such. But alas, it wasn't to be... Still, I'll survive I guess... Two days are done already, only another... 60 or so more to go.
I know when I was his age I was, and still am, rather emmotional... I probably cried more times in school than anyone in my year back at my last school... Also, judging by some work with doodles on that I found this afternoon, I was a very, very bad drawer! Not sure what he's like though... Especially as according to one of the teachers, his mum has cancer which must be horrible for him...
As for me still being a child, fair commment and deffinately true... To be honest, I kinda don't actually feel like a 16 year old, more like a younger person (say 11) trapped in a 16 year old's body... I mean, I often have desires to be a kid again, but I guess most people do... Yet, for me it's quite strong... I mean, in role-play situations, I often play a child (in LoTR role plays for instance, I'm usually Eothain, based on the kid in the movie with the same name) and always the age of that child is 11. Also, I don't really act like most 16 year olds... I mean, I'm much more shy and reserved and introverted than most 16 year olds (plus my taste in music is certainly different from the average teen)... Only online do I really speak my mind because it's just so much easier, and such. I guess a reason for my desire to be 11 again could be due to the fact that when I was that age my friend kinda forced me into doing certain... 'things' with him... Whatever the cause is... I'm not even sure why I'm saying this... I'm not like the sterotypical teenager who's self-assured, stubborn, think's he's right and so on... Like Keven with his famous "I hate you!" line. Not even close... Deffinately more... of a kid...
Anyhow, I'm not sure why I just said that, and this post has been slightly longer than I originally intended and expected, so I'll quite mumbling now and go.
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I don't think that you're developing in any way that is outside the parameters that i would consider to be 'normal', eothain. I think there is room within those parameters for lots of people to develope and grow in many, many ways.
Would it be too weird and "parental" to encourage you to use the next 60 days to explore an interest outside the normal ones that you play within? go join some kind of activity that will get you out of the house, keep you busy and keep you from spending too much time thinking about steve. The thing is, while it may look like a long stretch from this end, it's going to look quite a bit shorter looking back at it from the other end if you don't use it well.
my favorite Galadriel quote: "I pass the test. I shall remain Galadriel, and diminish, and pass into the west."
cheers!
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Well, that's what I tried to do with archery. Unfortunately fate stabbed me in the back twice, stamped on my face and then spat at my corpse. Oh well... Plus, there's nothing much really to do here... I mean, there's a park, and that's about it in my town (asside from the usual collection of stores, houses and schools). However, you seem wise in saying I should (to quote a song by Annie Lennox) 'use well the days' of my holiday, but I don't really know how I can use them... Downloading and listening to various Enya songs, Playing Warcraft 3, Neverwinter Nights, Age of Wonders and Call of Duty can only keep me entertained for so long... As for Steve, I try not to think about him too much. Though I do admit every time the phone rings, I do secretly hope it's Steve, even know I that's extremely unlikely. Though, I admit most of the time I barely think about him. Though wouldn't it be funny if he found these forums and read my posts...
By the way, I'm sorry if I seem like some annoying, whiney teenager that keeps on moaping about his 'problems' (as if I really know what true problems are yet!) it's just I like it here as I can express my feelings and expect a mature response which I can't do anywhere else. This place is like my one outlet and is somewhat comforting.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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OK, Hampshire: Sailing, Canoeing, Swimming, a different Archery thing, walking, cycling, indoor deep sea powerboat racing. Oh, no, the Solent isn't deep sea.
Any of these and other activities will get you active, out of the house, and in contact with other, like minded souls.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Seeing that you like RPGs a lot, might i suggest looking on the internet for the best way to contact the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronisms) in your area? I believe that you are located in the Kingdom of Drachenwald. At the least, plug "SCA" into your search engine and see if it could be something you'd be interested in pursuing.
cheers!
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Oh my not there is a memory blast....
When I used to do Renaisance Fairs on weekends some years past i remember when the SCA's would proclaim their arrival.
Mostly though, I remember one young Knight challenged another more experienced Knight to do upon each other battle over some lame arguement about a mug of ale.
Well, out was dragged the baby crib mattresses and rolls of duct tape and the knights had the mattresses adhered to themselves as padding. They both then took arms (stout sticks about 4 feet long) and they commenced to wailing on each other unmercifully.
There were literally 2 thousand people gathered to watch this specticle of heraldic bravery and it was about the most hillariously funny thing I had ever seen.
And to add insult to injury, the mug of ale was consumed by one of their friends while he watched the battle.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Timmy, on the subject of activities, I do actually intend to go sailing some time, whenever there's both a good day and my dad's in so I can get my boat sorted out. So, yeah, that's one activity. It could be fun, you never know, something like the events of 'The Holiday' may happen...
Aj, yeah I do like RPGs. The worlds in that are just so much more fascinating and interesting than reality: a boring, metropolitan, consumer-driven, materialistic society. Looking at that SCA thingy, it seems quite interesting. I may give it a closer look (not now though, it's 2AM and I really should be getting to sleep).
XXX, that sounds quite funny, lol! I certainly would have liked to have seen that fight! Hehehe.
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yup, that's pretty typically SCA insanity. They have this whole mock-serious attitude that is pretty unique to them.
Did you know that they were once under investigation by the FBI as a subversive organization? Apparently they met all the requirements to be considered a subversive political organization, and were pretty intensively investigated until someone's sense of the ridiculous kicked in over there....
One other story: Every year, two fiefdoms fight a war over posession of Pittsburgh, PA which happens to straddle the border between the two lands. The war is always long and hard fought...and the loser gets Pittsburgh.
cheers!
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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So, I've been on holiday for over two weeks now. Infact, it's been around 16 days since I last saw Steve's sweet face. Yet despite my ramblings, he isn't the only problem. Firstly, I have an incredibly strong feeling of nosgtaliga. Most of the time, I think of the past, between and during year 6 to year 8. I think about them so much that it's almost like being there... except I'm not. It's like all you ever wanted is just a few inches away from you, you want to reach out and grab it but there's this invisable wall stopping you from getting to it and you're trapped. It also doesn't help that I have a rather good and vivid memory. I can see the past, I can remember various things of it and relate many songs, objects and games to them. My mind's there more than it is in the present. I can't help it. I don't want to constantly be thinking about the past, but I can't help it! It's just always on my mind. Not to mention there's also the feelings of inadequecy and such... As I said earlier, I've done my GCSEs yet I don't get my results untill late August. I'm quite nervous about them. Well, that's a bit of an understatement. I'm petrified. I revised, yes. Deffinately. I spent hours revising various subjects. I'd listen to my playlist while lying done on the floor reading my books. Note just reading but writing down notes to make the facts stick in my memory. Yet, for all this I can't help but feeling that I didn't do very well. This feeling is a constant shadow on my mind, such as how Legolas says in FoTR "A shadow under threat has been growing in my mind." And what happens? Orcs attack, Boromir get's killed, Merry and Pippin get captured and Sam and Frodo go AWOL. This also isn't helped by the fact that many other people that I know are really clever. And by clever I mean 4 A*s, a bunch of As and two Bs clever. And quite a few of the people are younger than me, and much more sucessfull. Sure, well done for them for getting good results, but it sure does make me feel inferior. And ofcourse, as per usual, there's Steve. Heck, I can't help but think about him. Not only him but some of the other year 7s as well, and my school in general. Heck, the last few nights dreams have been rellated to school (whether my current or present in some way). Thursday's, I think, consisted of me going to my old school and all my friends in the year below me were there (I had quite a few of them), as an example. I've also had a few dreams in which Steve's been part of. I'm sorry but I can't help it! I have no control over my bloody dreams! I know I'm not gonna see him for another 7 weeks, but I can't help but think about him. I see and hear the name Steve a lot (as well as his sirname May) and whenever I do, I think of him. Like I said, I can't help it. In other, slightly more positive news, I am getting a chance to do archery starting next Saturday which could be fun. Anyway, to sleep... Have I mentioned that for the past few weeks, I haven't been able to sleep very well? Well, I haven't been able to sleep very well. It's rather annoying. Anyhow, good night. Thanks for letting me talk my mind. Always greatly appriciated it.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Thinkinh and worrying about test scores won't change them. If you are a good student and rate fairly well then you will be just fine.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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That's something I've long wanted to try, but I don't think I'll ever get the chance. The closest I've gotten so far is playing computer fantasy games where I'm an elf shooting arrows into orcs and picking up the loot they drop as they die, heehe...
On a more serious note though... It's not strange you think about school a lot, it's been a big part of your life for a long time and basically everything you've done so far has revolved around school in one way or another. Of course that will reflect into your thoughts - and dreams. It's perfectly normal!
It's also not strange you may feel bad about your grades in relation to other people's grades, but remember, they're just GRADES. They're not you, or even a measure of you. You're so much more than that, and worth so much more than those silly letters on a silly bit of paper. I've had classmates with good grades that were boring as hell and classmates with rotten grades that had the most vivid of personalities and were veritable volcanoes of creativity and ideas. So even though it's hard to relax, try to, because you're normal in this regard too. People worry over grades, it's common, yet those same grades don't tell everything about you.
Thanks for sharing!
Take care:
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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The thing that strikes me is the longing for the past. You also said clearly that something happened to you in your past that was not really what you wanted to happen, though it may have been pleasurable at the time, kind of.
Are these things linked in some way? Think deeply and consider the era you long for and the timing of the unpleasing experiences. Is there a relationship here between them?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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"Steve's sweet face". You know he may be handsome as anything, but don't give him too much sweetness. He sounds a pretty usual boy, really. 12 years old or so, all the usual stuff that goes on in a 12 year old's head. Wondering about girls, wondering about sport, a bit of scrapping with mates, computer games, loads of "stuff".
You, my friend, are the last thing on his mind, and he would be horrified if he knew you thought he had a sweet face.
He's pretty normal in that he has scraped knees, bruises from falling off his bike, gets grumpy like anyone else. He truly is nothing special, except you have given him power over you. Been there, done that. And it sucks, though at the time it actually feels "good".
He will, I hope, grow into adulthood with you as a friend. What he will not do, I think, and what would be very unwise to hope for, is be the type of friend who, after the age of sexual consent, will be a sexual partner and friend. It would not just be unwise to hope. The UK has legislation regarding "Grooming" of a child below the age of sexual consent. One must therefore be quite clear on the scope of one's friendship and what is not allowed.
I don't say that to frighten you. I say it to inject, as ever, reality into an unreal situation. Except and a simple friend this boy is off limits to you. Be his friend, even be a protector and mentor to him, but never cross that line.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Ofcourse I'd never cross that line. I'm not interested in him sexually at all. Even if he was 23 and I was 27, I wouldn't have any desire to have sex with him at all. And I certainly wouldn't 'groom him' or anything, which, though I'm not sure what exactly you mean by that, I guess is becoming friends with someone so that you end up having sex. I'm not Joey Tribiany, my mind doesn't work that way. I want a little brother, not a sex partner. Especially as on this one forum I go to, there's three brotherly couples, by which I mean three groups of two brothers and seeing, in this one thread by one of them, photos of them together and the older one pretending to chuck the younger one in a river, and I wish I could have something like that... And I know I'm the last thing on his mind (nice to put it so bluntly...), I don't expect to not be, even if I hope he does think of me like "That Eothain's a nice person" or something and by sweet, I mean cute as he has the physical apperance of a younger person... Considering someone cute isn't that bad is it? I mean, there's cutest baby competitions so there's nothing wrong with thinking that a person looks cute... And I don't expect he'll find out that I think of him like that anyway (unless he happens to come to this site, which I doubt).
As for the comment on the past, and the unpleasant experience. Well, the unplesanat experience happened in the Christmas term of year 7 when I was 11 and basically my friend 'convinced me' into having sex with him... And he also did what one might call 'molesting' me during prep (though I was thankfull, and surpised, that no-one saw). Coincidently, 11 is the age I chose for my role-play characters. The period I long for is between year 6 and 8 during which I was at my old school, yet I'd say greater for year 6 or early year 7 than year 8. It's all the people and atmosphere which I long for, as well as being able to avoid that incident. I'd say of the three years I spent at that school, year 7 would be the worst year. The only things I can remember from year 7 are the incident, a bit of the French trip and a bit of the play Jesus Christ Superstar, while my recollection of year 8 and 6 is much broader. So yes, there probably is some sort of rellationship between the event and my longing of the past. One of the things I wish for is to go back to the time when I had... well, innocence. Before I, in my opinion, lost it on that Wednesday afternoon, and before I discovered masturbation and such... The time when I was a child, before growing up, losing my innocence and such. However, it's not just my childhood and innocence I miss, but also my friends. Including the ones in the year below me... Though in my life, I've made and lost many friends... There's one in paticular I missed who was my best friend for four years but oh well. He was actually prior to year 6. Anyhow, I've rambled enough for one day...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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A couple of thoughts. By the way, I do tend to be blunt, but then shilly-shallying doesn't help either. You are bound to be the last thing on his mind, you know. You see you are pleasant, but just not important to him. There is no way you will be important unless and until he needs you to be.
I'm really glad it is fraternal. I know you are, too. The thing is you are also exploring your sexuality. Because of this thoughts can turn out differently from the way we expect or even hope they will. Concentrating on your adoration for your potential kid brother may lead to your discovering that you have, by accident, fantasised about him. Ithappens. So make it very clear to yourself, and later to him that you never had a kid brother and that you feel that way about him. Interesting conversation to have.
The point about innocence and yearning for innocent times is well made. Your friend and "having sex with him" covers a multitude of things. It is also very often irrelevant to the way we develop and grow. It doesn't make you gay, for example, and it doesn't control your life. 11 year old boys are 11 year old boys. They explore stuff. Your friend explored you as well as himself. It's always happened. If it's overwhelming you I know a top quality UK based sexual counsellor reasonably local to you who can help you to untangle those feelings. If you email me I can give you his details.
The lost friends can be re-found. It takes a burning desire to do it and then action.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Interestingly, I met someone else who was forced into have sex with his friend at a young age (ten to be exact) and it seemed to have a big effect on him. In fact, at one stage he was considering sucide but luckilly he changed his mind. He seems to regret is, much like me, and wish he could change it. Also the circumstances around the event are somewhat smiliar to mine as well. By sex, I mean, anal and nearly oral (my mum came up just as I was my mouth was hovering not far from his... privates) as well as a bit of fondling (one time happening in class). The thing is, at the time I knew I was doing something bad and after doing it the first time I recall saying "Now let's never talk about this again" or something like that but he responded with "Not infront of anyone else, but to each other." He also then forced me into continuing doing stuff with him saying that he'd tell everyone what I did if I didn't continue. As for seeing a sex councellor, I don't think I could do that. Firstly, what exactly would I tell my parents? If I told them the truth, I'd probably have to tell them everything, which wouldn't be to busy. Plus, it would be incredibly difficult saying all these things to a person I don't know. It's different over the internet as you can't see face to face and there's miles between you... I sincrely doubt I'd be this open in real life.
On the subject of Steve, I haven't fantized about him yet, and I don't intend to. No matter how close we get, I don't intend to have sex with him or experiment with him. I'll keep my experimenting to myself. I have mentioned once that I've never had a kid brother, but didn't really lead on from there, but we'll see what happens in September. I get to be a mentor then, and it would be really cool if I had Steve as my mentee (or whatever the phrase is), but we'll see, we'll see.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I understand the ability of kids to control each other. He wasn't much of a friend, really, was he?
I think one of the problems is that society makes us feel more guilt than we ever need to. Why not try tohold the experience differently? Maybe along these lines:
"
We each got naked. No big deal, I've seen naked before and been naked before. Actually I liked the look of his body. I even got hard. But then the situation was sexually charged and bodies do that. Again no big deal. Well a bit of one coz it felt odd being hard with another kid, but, since we're designed that way, no big deal."
That may help a little so far. Of course you may want to chnage the words, but it truly was no big deal.
The final part looks at the real issue, or what I believe is the real issue. Actually there are two issues here, i think, but the more important one is below:
"I feel let down by him. He used our friendship to control me and make me do what he wanted. And I still liked him and wanted to be his friend. So I accepted his bullying and blackmailing and still did it. And that sucks. He was a totally selfish brat, even if I did like him. He bullied me. And the way he did it made me feel it was all my fault. He was a really clever brat. No-one woudl ever be able to do that to me today. I'd see through their threats and walk away. And that;s just what I'm going to do now, from him and his threats those years ago. I just started to realise that he doesn't matter and what he made me do doesn;t matter. Doesn't even matter that my body enjoyed parts of it. Doesn;t even matter if I liked the closeness sometimes. It's not the sex bit that was wrong, that was just kids being kids. It was the bullying.
The next bit is as simple:
"He wanted to do more than look. Well that's ok too. loads of boys touch each other. It was odd at first, but it actually felt good. I got a bit concerend about the 'gay' thing, but I can put that part behind me. Again no big deal. It got a bit weird, though when (Hugh, I don't knwo which way round what happened, but I'm assuming he penetrated you and you may have penetrated him) he wanted to stick his dick in me. For a start that just had tobe gay, and I really don't think I was ready to do stuff like that. Problem is it felt good. Maybe not at first, but it did feel good. The thing is I really didn't want to do it, and that makes me feel upset."
I am hoping I'm at the right level here.
"I don't mind the sex bit. I enjoyed parts of it, didn;t enjoy other parts. They weren't life altering momenst, that;s for sure. The sex itself was pretty unimportant, I wasn;t ready for it anmd it really isn;t significant. Well, maybe a little, but I was young, and the thinsg we do as kids dont; really matter. What I really do mind is that I thought he was my friend and he bullied me into doing what he wanted. he never cared about what I wanted."
Again, let's take this in sections. Each section stands alone and kind of escalates into the next phase, ok? And we're starting to move to the true problem. I don't think sex was the true problem here. I think that you probably agree. Probably.
"What was really the thing that was wrong was that he used our frinedship to bully me into doing what he wanted and not stop when I didn't want to do it. The sex stuff is no big deal. That was just kids. Even the parts I enjoyed were no big deal. I hated his bullying though, and feeling so powerless. That part is the problem. And I would never let that happen today. The thing is, now I know all this, it is starting not to matter. Today it matters less than yesterday. And that;s because I can see it for what it is. A bullying, clever, controlling brat bullied and controlled me. And I liked him so much I let it happen. But it matters less today than yesterday."
There is the other issue. Let's get to that later, ok? Just tell me how this one works for you first
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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You are here, I think, because something in you is trying to understand your sexuality.
The experience when you were yoiunger does nto mean you are gay, nor bisexual. You may be or you may not. Probability is not. Only one in ten of guys are gay, for example.
Do not allow a prior abusive experience to form who you are today.
As for telling parents enough to get you to a counsellor "Mum, when I was 11 I was abused by a friend. I have some issues from it. I need, I think, to see someone to talk this through with"
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Just to clairify something in my mind.
When you were in year 7, just how old was this friend?
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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A good point, well a godo question. I htink, though, whatever age the answer is should have no real bearing in the need for Hugh to work out strategies for putting this in the trash bin of time.
If the friend was older that makes it much less "kid being kids" but a manipulative kid being somewhat older and thus truly abusing horridly. But this friend was a manipulative brat anyway. Not a true friend.
I always supposed the line of "If you don't do this I'll tell everyone you wanted to do it!" was one of the more unpleasant lines in blackmail.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Friends are good. 
Re: Longing for a friend... 
*Agrees with timmy* 
