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And, now what?
I'm as lost as before. Did he like me? Did he think I was a total bore? Would he ever consider going out with me again, more 'properly'? All we did was walk around and talk for about an hour and fifteen minutes in the cool evening.
I don't know. I can't tell anything about what he might be feeling on the inside.
All I know is he's nice, rather cute, not completely slim - which is good coz that might be neat too and I would feel he'd be too perfect and totally out of my league if he was really lean), has rather long black hair and reeeally hot eyes. His mouth is attractive too with fairly plump lips - also cute.
We talked a lot, and he is interesting; obviously a movie buff which is neat. In fact, much of our conversations circled around movies, and I did my best to be natural and such so he'd like me in return.
Why then do I always have to feel as if I screwed up? As if I'm no good, that nobody would ever want me? It was an emotional struggle for me just to get THIS far, do I now have to struggle even more to try to get a second date with him? I must have been an idiot for hoping this would be it, now I'd reached my goal, everything would miraculously fix itself somehow and I could finally have a boyfriend.
But, I think the universe really, truly hates me. I'm not supposed to be happy. Why do I even keep on trying? After all, isn't it better to live alone? That way nobody can let me down, nobody can dump me or cheat on me. No quarrels, no falling-outs. I know what I've got, but I won't ever know what I might get; this is safer, more dependable.
Alone.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Lenny? You call him and say "I would love to see you again." And then you see what he says.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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There is nothing that happened for you to get your hopes down over. You met a guy, you went out, you talked, you walked. You didn't have sex with a virtual stranger, sure, but isn't that a good thing? You can't expect a lot from the first date, he's bound to be just as shy as you. Did you tell him your feelings for him? Did you tell him that you wanted to date him 'properly', if not, then you can't really expect him to do the same. If you did, then maybe he's even just a little more shy than you.
He did not hate you, he is not a jackass, maybe it wasn't love at first time, but quite often the most stable relationships are built up and worked on from the ground up. So stop fretting! Everything is going to be fine, it may not end up as a relationship, I'm sure you are aware of that possibility, but if it doesn't, then don't take it personally, it is just because you have differences that either he or you wouldn't feel comfortable with.
Don't give up yet, though, your post makes it sound like he said "I'm not interested sorry, please don't call again". A relationship will be hard.. it will be about compromise... it will be about sacrifice... You will fight, you will quarrel, you will get hurt. That is what makes a relationship such a growth experience and in some ways that is what helps bond you to each other, too. But all the pain, all the fighting, it is worth it most of the time. Loneliness is a harsh master and you deserve better than that.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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...got lost beneath other posts.
But, I think the universe really, truly hates me. I'm not supposed to be happy. Why do I even keep on trying? After all, isn't it better to live alone? That way nobody can let me down, nobody can dump me or cheat on me. No quarrels, no falling-outs. I know what I've got, but I won't ever know what I might get; this is safer, more dependable.
Alone.
you say this, but i don't think you mean it. i also know the universe can't hate someone as harmless, as thoughtful and kind and unconditional as you.
i don't know how many times i have said this, but lenny, i live this way -- alone because it's safest? because you can't get cheated on, hurt, screwed with, lied to, etc...
and look at what it has done to me. look how it has caused me to act, to treat people because when i start to trust them i realise oh! hey! i am not supposed to be doing that and so i use them as a stomping ground to harden myself back up so i can't be touched or hurt or anything, and i leave a huge mess in my wake and then i wonder why i can't just magically come back here and have friends again.
do not do that to yourself. do not put yourself in a place like that. for all you know, he's having the same thoughts as you. and if he's not? then maybe there'll be someone else. the world is a very, very big place, lenny. and i hate doing the whole "you have it easier" thing because i KNOW each person's struggle is no less than another's, but you are in a position TO find people, you know? maybe not this guy, but "They" say there is someone for everyone. if i am supposed to believe that there is a someone for a gender fuck-up, nasty ugly thing as myself, then i can most certainly assure you that there is a someone for an angelically beautiful, caring and kind and soulful boy as yourself.
you just have to wade through the dirt of the not so great people, sometimes, to find the good ones. you'll find him, lenny. you have to believe that. if you can't, then i will for you, until you do.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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sparks
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Toe is in the water |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 57
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IM cute,handsome and unattatched.I am also as poor as an English church mouse.So you would have to pay my freight.I am completely house broken only dribble a few drops on the toilet seat.I wash behind my ears but not behind my ankles as socks cover my feet.I am really good at pushing dirty undergarments under the bed.I can cook and burn water with the best of them.My best dish is carbonized toast.Sprinkle a bit of sugar and ill burn that too.I am completely loyal and will only look to you provided you get hans solo to carborize me in frigid liquid hydrogen. sparks
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Have you called him? has he called you?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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I SMS'd him early last week sort of jokingly asking if he maybe wanted to do it again or perhaps forget he ever met me, I got a reply this sunday saying he would be pretty busy this week. I replied today asking if it would be OK if I called him towards the end of the week, and there we are.
I'll wait and see if he replies and says it's OK to call. I hope he does. If so, I'll call him on friday I guess.
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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So, I finally got together with the asian guy... 
Re: So hey Lenny I will be your boyfriend 
