|
|
|
|
May 14, 2004. My last day of high school.
Well, technically. There's a senior trip to Washington, D.C. on Monday and a Physics final on Tuesday...and of course graduation! But, today marked my last day of classes. It never really seemed momentous or climactic to me. A lot of people (most notably parents) were talking about it, asking how I felt, but I really don't know. I'm not sure if it hasn't set in yet or if I'm just apathetic about it. I guess the coming days will tell.
Some have asked if Conor and I will ever have a final "meeting of the minds," if you will. And now I hear the shouts of "Please, do get over him!" Yes, I should, but that's easy for you to say, too. I will get over him once he is physically out of my life. That will not happen until Tuesday. That is the last day I will ever see him, and while he may not immediately vacate my thoughts, it will certainly be a signficant step.
But no, that final "meeting of the minds" never amounted to anything. As much as I'd like to talk things out and mend fences, I've lost all respect for the kid over the past 18 months. Not just because what he did to me but the way I see him treat others. He's quite irritating when it comes down to it. But, shoot me, I'm a person who needs to know all the answers. I'd love to approach him or the kid who outed me and ask how it all unfolded. Really, you don't know how much I thought about doing it in the last two weeks. Hell, I almost flipped Conor the bird as an act of desparation as he pulled out of the parking lot today. Oh well.
So, I'm just sitting around here on a Friday night, feeling generally numb and melancholy. Emotions welling up but not enough strength or will to cry. My parents are out tonight at school for a senior parents night, so I can't go out. Well, actually, unlike other times they go out, I was allowed to go out also. But it took me so long to get them to agree that I could go out that I didn't have time to make plans. It really sucks.
All I want is someone to love. Is that so much to ask? I'd really like this torture to end. I've put up with this tugging-at-my-heart-strings bullshit for years now and a change would be nice for once. I see all my friends happy with their companions...why can't I share in that for once?
Just until Tuesday. Then he's gone. Forever.
-Tom
"Whatever is sought for can be caught, you know,
whatever is neglected slips away."
Oedipus Rex, lines 126-127
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hi, Tom.
First of all, congratulations!!! In spite of everything, you made it (as I think we all here had no doubt whatsoever you would).
It would indeed be all too easy for any of us to say, "Forget Conor!" (and something tells me there may be more than a few of us, myself included, who would be fine ones to talk). Of course that's easier said than done; and there may even be a part of you that doesn't want to forget him (and perhaps you shouldn't). At the same time, though, you have discovered that ultimately he is unworthy of your attention, and that you deserve so much better.
Sadly, that still doesn't do much to ease your current situation. If it's any consolation, I think it's a safe bet that you aren't the only person who finds himself in such a situation (indeed, there's every chance that there are lurkers to this message board who fall into this same category; perhaps this may provide them with the impetus to share their thoughts and feelings as well).
Anyway, may this be not just the end of another chapter in your life, but (with college looming in your immediate future) the beginning of a whole new volume. And as for the immediate present, who knows what miracle may occur in these few weeks before graduation (I hope that miracle does indeed happen for you). Bear in mind, though, that all these graduation-related events are a once-in-a-lifetime thing, so enjoy it all as much you can.
Again, congratulations, Tom! Best of luck on that physics test, and with everything that comes after.
We do not remember days...we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
timmy
|
 |
Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
|
|
|
Now is the time tpo reinvent yourself. Go into the next phase of your life as Tom. Do it with the confidence a new scenario will bringyou, and look for the love you need in the right places. If it's a boy, don;t go where str8 boys only are. If a girl make a positive decision and be where they are.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Congratulations!! YAAAAY!
About Conor, never mind what you feel. On bad days, you'll always remember him with a pang. On good days? Well, the best revenge is living well.
I remember the feeling of being at loose ends when High School ended. I was relieved and happy, for sure, as well as sad about lost possibilities and afraid about the future all at once. Major changes bring anxiety, along with many other feelings all mixed together like spaghetti on a plate. Ride with it and it will pass.
I look back on those years with the feeling of "Thank God I don't have to go thru that crap again!" My life got terrific only after age 30.
So hang in there! Uni will be as good as you yourself make it, and should be a vast improvement over what has gone before. Like not having to get the rents permission to go out for one thing...sheesh!!!
And after that? Second star on the right and straight on till morning, or something like that.
"Always forgive your enemies...nothing annoys them quite so much." Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
|
Goto Forum:
|
] 
A Place of Safety
Search
Help
Register
Login
Home
Re: Another chapter in the book of life 
