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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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I've had meetings with 8 people from online, including 2 that I met through a personals site and I have to admit that none of them turned out to be dangerous or at all a risk, they were different to what I expected, but I don't think you are getting into the emotional side of things in that piece. Perhaps you could have another page in which you detail how to deal with teenage internet "romance", because from my experiences that ends up quite often with people hurting a lot more than 'real life' romances can, simply because the emotions are real, but until there is a meeting, there is no emotional validation.
Anyway, with the people I met online, one time I made a really, REALLY stupid move. I mean, I had known the guy for 3 years so there was little chance of it turning foul, I knew him pretty damn well, but even so it was a really stupid thing to do. Without ever meeting the guy prior to our real life meeting (and in fact only occasionally having heard his voice and seen a pic or two) I arranged to stay at his house overnight; initially I was even going to go there by bus by myself, as a 19-year-old I had some level of independence and what not, but still... In the end I was dropped off there by Mum who met him and the like for a while before leaving me there to stay the night, everything went fine and he was pretty much everything I expected, but in theory it could have turned out awfully. Another guy I stayed at his house straight off the bat (with his parents there) but he was a minor himself and I was 3 years his seniour so it was a bit less worrysome.
That being said, though, I have two recommendations that the article didn't really cover. The first is what NOT to do, and that is regarding giving out personal information. I once had a chat with someone which led me to realise just how easy it to give away dangerous information, look at the following two statements:
- "My address is 123 St. Bob Street, Thistown in the Republic of Mycountry and my phonenumber is 123-456-6789"
- "I live in Thistown, Statename." "There is this really cool park on the North Side of town where I sometimes go by myself to think and clear my head, no one ever goes there so I can be by myself. I usually go there once a week, after school."
The first statement is much more specific, but the second one is actually the more dangerous of the two, in my opinion, because a smart stalker would be able to use it much more effectively. What use is an address if you are a minor, what would the person do, turn up on your doorstep and explain to your parents that you are a friend of theirs from school? A phone number has even less use to them. What is dangerous is giving out your town (or worse, address) and then your schedule along with it. Or telling people what you like to do alone and where.
My second piece of advice would be regarding knowing the other person. You can never be 100% sure someone is who they say they are. With EVERYONE there are chances they aren't who they claim. Take Timmy for example (hope you don't mind me using you as an example) I think I could trust him with probably 99% assuredness. Why? I talk to a lot of other people that have met him (that one is reasonably big), he has a lot of personal information displayed publically, he warns against caution himself, he is able to talk for long times about issues that he is either interested in or about issues from his past and finally I have known him for about a year or longer now and he hasn't changed at all in that time. Does that mean I'd still meet him down a quiet alley alone in England some place if he asked? No, of course not! Even with Timmy I can't be 100% sure that he is as good a person as I think he is; even in real life you can never be 100% sure that people are totally safe.
So from that I'll just try to summarise a few points on how you can be more sure someone is being honest and is not dangerous:
- Note where you meet them
~ In my opinion forums are usually safer than public chat rooms, webmasters are usually safer than 'regular members', interest based sites are safer than general talk sites, small communities are safer than larger ones.
An example of a 'safer site' would be my own site, I guess. It is a Harry Potter roleplaying game where members write from the points of view of their characters in an interactive environment. I know some players in my roleplaying game that have written over 100,000 words as part of their roleplay- what does this mean? Well, for one they do actually have an interest in Harry Potter and in most cases it means writing about Harry Potter is probably their main priority on the site because there are much easier venues to prey on people. I would be quite willing to meet the large majority of active members simply because they reveal a lot about themselves through how they write and the other community based topics, while none of them really have revealed the specifics. (Yes that was awfully long winded but the main point of "Note where you meet" them is there at the start for briefness)
- Time
~ This is a big factor. Length of time has more strength than quantity usually, although most are good factors. Knowing someone a week is not enough time to get to know them enough to trust them. A month and you can start to see whether their story and personality are changing or not, six months and you usually know the person fairly well, multiple years and the chances of them being safe are even higher. Also look at the amount of time you spend talking to the person and how balanced that time is. If you talk to someone for 6 hours every day instead of just 10 minutes here and there in most cases it is safer. Also look at how much of the 6 hours is spent talking about you and how much is spent talking about them. Most safe people will be willing to meet you in the middle with information, you tell them what state you live in and they do the same, you talk about your problems with school and they tell you about their woes. If they never seem to talk about themselves and are only interested in you, then maybe they aren't entirely safe. Over generosity of any kind should be eyed cautiously.
- Location
~ Well, personally I find it easier to trust people that live further away, especially when they are able to start telling me about particular facts and figures about their own town, state or country. Now that I live in Japan I usually have no worries about giving my address to people, because for the most part the people I talk to can't speak or read Japanese and live as far as an ocean away. If I know someone can speak Japanese and/ or lives in Japan I will stick more to the "don't give away personal information rules"; I know some of my online friends I'll never meet and some I will meet, but not for some time, it is the ones you intend on potentially meeting that you actually need to take the most care with. When I lived in Australia, I usually gave away more personal information to people I believed were in America than to fellow Australians. Personal information should always be given out cautiously, however.
- Pictures, Webcams, Voice, Phone
~ These are usually factors that usually make it reasonably easy to tell if someone is who they say they are. They are not 100% fool-proof but while pictures and voice clips can be taken from random places, consistantly similar, yet different pictures will help identification. 'Live' medium such as voice chat, phone and webcams are even better and as far as I know, the person you see is what they do appear like at that specific time. These tools should only be used reciprocally, though, in most cases and you should volunteer them rather than doing such things on request.
I guess they are the main points I had floating around. This kind of turned into an essay, but maybe you'll be able to take it and some of the ideas from it and turn them into something more succinct.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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I myself have met quite a few people on the internet... lets see... 1,2,3,4,5,6...,7... i believe it was 7 people, maybe more, all in the last 3 months or so.I can only say that maybe 1 of them i regret meeting, but it was my own fault for that... My main rules for meeting anyone online is:
1. comfort - do i feel comfortable talking to the guy online, do we get along? how are our conversations? Do I have any doubts when talking to the guy? Do i see meeting this person worth my time?
2. length of time - Though this isn't important, I do generally give myself at least a month of talking to someone prior to meeting someone, though i have on one occasion broken that rule, but it turned out ok. Generally I want to get to know the person better and get a better gauge as to whether I like the guy.
3. lingering doubts/fears - Generally if I have some doubts (major ones that is) about the guy I won't meet the guy at least at that time. I try to read our conversations, and ask myself "is this guy hiding something" "is this guy truthful?" Doubts include stuff like who the person actually is, personality wise, or age, or what he wants from talking to me. or meeting with me. Does he want sex/friendship? stuff like that.
4. future - Do i see myself being friends for long term with this guy? Is meeting him going to help/deter our friendship developed online? Would meeting in person effect our relationship as friends to the point where we aren't friends anymore, even online?
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As to how we meet, generally it's easy,
The most important thing is to meet in a public place - generally speaking i won't meet someone in a public place, or at least go there with the knowledge that we will be the only ones there for an extended time. I've met two people in a more private setting, and one turned out great, one turned out bleh. the bleh was more my fault, as i didn't meet the guy in a public place, and i didn't fully trust the guy. lets just leave it at that, i slipped into a very depressed/suicidal mood for a couple weeks after meeting that guy. That time we were at his place the entire time (even though there were two other people in the house at the time but they were sleeping) the other time, we were at his house for maybe 5 minutes before we went out and did something, we then did spend time at his place, watching a movie, but we had spent 5 hours nonstop talking and conversing, so by then, we felt comfortable around each other.
(no matter what, my bad experience came AFTER the first good experience... and i let my guard down. now i'm much more careful.....)
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I may not be the best of examples, as i've done all the no-no's. i've flown to another state, and met up with a couple friends, even stayed at the girl's place... (we met in a chat) it turned out ok. but for me, there are some key things that i recommend to others.
1. Don't let the other person pressure you into meeting him, no matter what sweet talk the guy does to you, don't meet him until YOU are ready. If you have any lingering doubts as to the guy's sincerity, then don't meet him. let those doubts wither away. Well ok, maybe you'll always have doubts, true, but if there's something that pulls you back, then don't meet the guy.
2. meet only those you think you can trust, almost completely. If you don't think you can trust the guy, if you have problems trusting the person online, then don't meet the person. If you can't trust the guy online, then how can you trust him in person?
3. When dealing with pictures of yourself, and/or him. BE CAREFUL. Don't just post up your pictures everywhere. I would recommend you only show pictures to those you think you can trust or want to show. Who knows who's out there and what they'll do with those pictures.
4. Personal information - Don't hand it out. Or at least give as minimal information as possible. Heh I've not been the greatest example, but generally the only thing i give out is my cell phone number to those I trust. Otherwise, no no, they don't get anything. they get my pseudoname, location that's more broad than narrow, etc. personality wise, they get me, I don't mask who i am, just personal information they won't get, besides age, gender and race.
Anyways i think i'm rambling now.... Just be careful when meeting people online. My friend's reminded me uber many times to be careful. he knows 2 people who've been murdered by people he met from online by people he thought he could trust... I won't post up the information.. but I do have an email detailing generally what we do know. It's sad.. but it's true. there are people out there who prey on innocent good people. It's okay to meet people from the net, but be on guard, because you never know until you meet the person and have talked to him/her for awhile.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Please summarise into the additional bullet points that should go in my page. Short and sweet.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Please summarise into the additional bullet points that should go in my page. Short and sweet.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Bulleted points
- If you feel uncomfortable at any time during the meeting, leave promptly.
- Meet at a place, where you know quite well, if not, get there early to get acquainted with it.
- Notify someone who is NOT present where you are, how to contact you, and what your plans are.
- Do not get in the other person's car, even if it's a minute drive. Ask to take public transportation, separate cars, or walk.
- Find a way to keep in contact with someone not there at all times, whether it be a cell phone, laptop, or the presence of phone booths near by.
- Only do things within your boundaries, don't let the person make decisions without your consent. That applies both ways.
- Stay on alert, don't let your guard down at any point. You don't want to give the person an opportunity to surprise you with someting unwanted.
********
I think that's it. I did go off on whether or not you should meet a person, but I won't go into that. Hope this helps.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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No Message Body
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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I tried to do that and I ended up rambling heaps! Maybe someone else could summarise what I said in bullet points for me. I am no good at short and sweet.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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I hope these aren't too long winded:
-Almost as important as personal information, be wary about giving out details of your schedule or habits.
-Use webcams and voice chat, but usually only if they are shown by the other person.
-If you have to tell someone something personal that could be used to identify you, try to choose someone located on a different continent.
Knowing how to trust someone (some guidelines which will hopefully help)
-Note where you meet them, hobby based sites are usually safer
-Look for inconsistancies in their story
-See how willing they are to talk about themselves
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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No Message Body
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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