marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Well it's been over 20 years since Queer Consumer Reports reviewed
boy-friends (QCR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have altered, new
features have been introduced, and the market for boyfriends has
changed substantially. So we here at Queer Consumer's Union decided
another report was needed.
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a
boyfriend before obtaining one. This will, in large part, dictate
the final product you should consider. Do you want an intellectual
companion? A hiking partner? A muscle queen to put on display? Or
just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the
first, and most important, step in selecting a boyfriend.
The second question that needs to be addressed is, of course, how
much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your
physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a
commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the
resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if
you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are
more limited.
Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection.
Although the salesman will tell you that a boyfriend can be financed,
QCU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations,
the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New?
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A question many boyfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a
new or a used boyfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly
speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
QCU recommends
Your age you buy
-------- -----------
1-12 years (see note A)
13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up
22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New (see note B)
60+ (see note A)
Notes:
------
A: Get real.
B: "New" recommended only if you are extremely wealthy. If you
are of average means, or less, QCU recommends that you buy
"divorced."
New boyfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will
rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used
boy-friends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers,
with the initial problems worked out, but QCU advises that you avoid
models that have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much
greater than the average may be an indication that the boyfriend was a
professional.
Accessories
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Often the potential boyfriends you see on the lot or in a meat market
will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on
such items as long legs, green eyes, large basket, etc. Other
accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models come
pre-equipped with closets full of drag outfits, or the ability to run
10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. In such cases you should make a
list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as Calvin Klein underwear) can be added later, while
others (such as foot-long dicks) should be factory installed.
The Test Ride
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When evaluating a boyfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride
ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from
the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip
("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus
comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable
"Smile, you'll look better."
Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration.
The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far?
Examine the detailing. Does the dick curve? Is the asshole nice and
tight, or loose and juicy?
Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
-----------------------
Finding the right boyfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many
potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and
accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an
option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on
the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a
practice: if you have access to a baby factory, you should reconsider
your need for a boyfriend anyway.
Methodology
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Boyfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were
performed at QCU's specially constructed test facility, which included
a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and
taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run,
evaluating each product according to the following criterion:
intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
Results
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Boyfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within
each category, variation is not statistically significant.
Category Comments
-------- ------------------------------------------------------
God This is the man of your dreams. He comes equipped
with all the options you want and none of the ones you
don't. He can argue subtle points of philosophy, give
you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you
mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No
mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that
this model is not actually available.
Boy Next Door This model is similar to the god, but comes with
contractual retainers, such as a spiteful mother, an
alcoholic father, bratty siblings, and very often a
psychotic ex-lover.
Leather Boy The Jaguar of boyfriends. Purrs in your ear. Sleek
lines, smooth touch, solidly built. Handsome exterior.
Pricey: Top models cost as much to buy and maintain as
a Ferrari or Mercedes sport coupe. You can get one
free for a weekend or two, however, if you happen to
be outrageously sexy yourself (see "God" above).
Otherwise, mid-range leather boys can be rented or
leased, usually at reasonable rates. And for the
budget-minded, low-end leather boys (haphazardly
assembled and lacking full leather gear) are abundant,
cheap, and readily available for test driving again
and again and again. Be aware that leather boys are
nighttime creatures; all of them have an almost
pathological aversion to bright light, and therefore
are not suited for beach-going or parading on the
boardwalk at Santa Cruz.
* Special Note: While leather boys look predatory and
dangerous, they're generally kittens, and almost always
bottoms.
Leather Daddy Pluses: comes fully equipped with a dungeon "playroom"
full of what look like Medieval torture devices.
Minuses: older models with sagging nipples and butt
cheeks invariably insist on wearing nothing but a
chest harness and chaps.
Jail bait A popular but risky choice for those wanting to mold
their boyfriend from scratch. Pluses: soft skin, downy
cheeks, doe eyes, cute little bubble butt (most
models), virgin hole (very new models only). Often as
malleable as clay. Disposable once they lose their
baby looks. Minuses: Illegal to possess in all 50
states and the Virgin Islands. Twiggy arms and legs.
Constantly needs to be refueled with cash, food,
beers, pot, movie tickets, bubble gum, toys, and
whatnot. Erratic, unpredictable behavior. Potentially
cruel and spiteful.
Mr. Right The best all-around choice for most boyfriend
situations. Has most of the characteristics of the
God except possibly in the wrong size or hair color.
Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.
Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally
be found with luck.
Macy's Queen Pluses: Readily available, especially during
happy-hour in video bars. Can be purchased for the
price of one or two mixed drinks. Comes with dozens of
pairs of fresh white underwear. Hair always neatly
combed and gelled. Closets amply stocked with sweaters
and loafers with tassels. Minuses: factory installed
personality tends toward whininess, non-stop dishing
of co-workers, and the insatiable urge to recite the
plots of soap operas. Always reeks of cologne.
Babe This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive
powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade
or for impressing your friends, but not for your
long-term boyfriend needs.
Geek The responsible choice for those looking for a
quality, long-term investment. Pluses: Low
maintenance, low profile. It more than earns its own
way. Doesn't flirt with every cute boy at parties. Can
fix your computer, balance your checkbook, advise you
on the stock market, lend you money, and map out a
detailed scenario for the two of you for the rest of
your lives together. Easy to shop for (wears only tee
shirts, sweatshirts and blue jeans.) Minuses: Uses
technical terms you don't understand, even during sex.
A bit on the bland side. Mechanical in bed. Cowers in
corners at parties, except at geek gatherings, where
you'll be the outcast. Reads only computer magazines
and science-fiction novels. Always wears ratty
underwear. Always has ring-around-the-collar.
Diva By far the most exotic model on the market, available
in a multitude of colors and adorned with everything
from feathers to chiffon. Minuses: To perform
smoothly, these must be coddled endlessly. Otherwise,
they have a tendency to break down repeatedly, often
with dramatic effects such as throwing expensive china
across the room, raking long fingernails across the
faces of all within striking distance, and hissing
violently about their owner's mental deficiencies and
sexual inadequacies. Wears too much mascara. Not
easily explained to your parents (in the unlikely
event you should ever decide to take him/her/it home
for the holidays).
Girlfriend The model with the most empathy. Can be an actual girl,
but most often is a boy, minus any sex appeal. Caring
and kind but you wouldn't be caught dead in bed with
it. Availability is fair to good, depending on
quality.
Hunk The best choice for those who want to impress their
(a.k.a. neighbors, look good on the beach, or spend all their
Muscle Queen) weekends in pulsing, throbbing, mind-numbing discos.
Comes equipped with steroids and huge jars of protein
powder and vitamin supplements. Generally has or knows
where to obtain party drugs, including cocaine,
ecstasy, and crystal meth. Readily available in gyms,
but its sale is restricted to those with (a) a huge
wad of cash, (b) a huge, hulking, glistening torso,
(c) a huge dick, or (d) all of the above. Not equipped
for conversation. Hunks make great statuary, but
terrible boyfriends. They're notoriously hard to keep
track of: even after parking it for the night, in the
morning you may find it has moved on to some other
bed.
Artist A high-maintenance option for connoisseurs and
masochists only. Pluses include its ability to change
style and persona from week to week. Can exist for
long stretches on practically no income (because it
shares a space with at least a dozen other artists,
and subsists on coffee and falafel). Great companion
for openings at art galleries. Can be kinky in bed.
Minuses: Always looking to you for "loans." Not clear
whether its odd behaviors are the product of
creativity or schizophrenia. Sleeps too much. Has
weird friends who raid your refrigerator, draw on your
walls, and smoke all your pot. You can never
understand what the hell it's talking about.
Who? Oh, Him? The Ford Escort of boyfriends. Widely available, but
useful as a boyfriend only in a pinch, if no others
are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or
have a dull finish.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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