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like i must have one stamped on me that says "come to me when YOU need but never be there when *i* need." really i think that it wouldn't matter if i nodded and agreed with everything said, or actually tried to offer things. as long as the other person gets to talk and go on about their problems but not .. ever .. listen .. to .. someone .. else's .. it's all good.
(this is another secret why my posts get SO long and babbly and all over the place annoying reads. 'cause it's not like i can get it out elsewhere.)
i don't TRY to "hijack" the conversations but if i have a personal example (one came up tonight that ohhhh, i try REAL hard not to touch on anywhere, but it fit perfect with this situation but was unfortunately very personal and very painful) i will give it, for the purpose of 'this is what i did and it worked,' or, in this case, 'in this case i WISH it would've been done, so i see these options as not a bad thing, because if nothing is to be hidden, all will turn out fine.' and i don't want the convo to sway that way, no ... because helping other people actually helps me because it keeps my mind off my stuff. but to have it TOTALLY blazed over is just ... amazing to me. really. and this isn't the first time, no ... usually when things are "okay" then you know, whatever. but when it's not i'm suddenly the greatest person to talk to? and while this post is brought on by one conversation this is not the first time with that person, and this person is not the only person.
(this is also another secret reason as to why i'm on messenger programs less and less lately.)
oh well.
i do hope the best for the situation at hand. and i think i just try too hard, or i'm worried about too much crap elsewhere and it's bleeding over into internet land. either way, just ... if i have these signs on my back i think it's time i take them off. no one likes fairweather friends, no ... but it sucks even more to be MADE into a badweather friend, because when things are fine then you NEVER hear from someone.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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It could be that your friends are there for you as much as you are for them, but they are just waiting for you to approach them. People don't always know you need help unless you ask for it.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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-- maybe i should be there for them more, then? like the whole "you get what you give," is that what you mean?
i think i just had a bad day yesterday. this came off more vicious than i meant it to be. i drop hints and this and that, expecting people to catch onto them -- i know people are not mindreaders though. and really, contrary to beliefs, i don't like admitting i need help, or asking for it, so i let others fish it out. i forget that no one likes to do that; and i forget that i actually prefer it this way, because at the end of the day i really DO feel that much better if i was able to help someone, or distract them for a time, or listen, etc. it detracts from my unsolvable, lame-ass crud, and i can live with myself for one more day. 
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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hey nothing--
haven't actually talked to you much, but i've admired some of your posts in the past and i wanted to respond to this one 'cause i've had the same problem. see, i'm a bit of a compulsive caretaker (it's why i'm so good in my profession as an RN), and i have a need to help people--it makes me feel fulfilled when i help someone. The problem that people like you and i run into is knowing when we're actually helping and when we're just accepting someone's garbage 'cause they're too damn lazy to take it out for themselves. It is, i think, a matter of recognizing when you're just being dumped on and setting limits on the people who do that. You can usually tell if that's what their gig is by suggesting a couple of plausible solutions or steps they might take to amend the problem they are complaining about. If they meet each suggestion with an excuse as to why it wouldn't work, and don't give the idea due consideration, then they're pro'ly just dumping. if this is their pattern, then tune them out. I you wanna be ballsy, tell them why you're not going to enertain their rants anymore. They'll be very offended, but you'll feel ever so much better about yourself.
As to getting support from your friends--you're spot on. You have to ask...just expecting that they will respond to your kindness with reciprocal kindness is not gonna cut it. Not everybody is a caretaker, and lots of people who would be happy to help if they noticed you were having a hard time won't notice 'cause they're too busy with their own stuff. Don't let that discourage you...if you don't ask, you can't be discouraged when you don't get. Let people know what your needs are, and i guarantee that you'll have a lot more help getting them met.
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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