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smith
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On fire! |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 1095
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Last week, a sweet, sensitive boy killed himself because he was gay. He left his boyfriend grieving and totally lost. The boy who is gone is with God now and at peace but the one left behind is searching for a way to get through it.
These two boys, 16 and 18, are my friends. I want to help and I feel so helpless. My friend who remains keeps asking 'Why? and 'How will I go on?' and telling me how much he wants to talk to his love one more time. He says he is all alone. I know there are so many of you who care and understand and will try to shoulder some of the heartbreak for him but he just feels so destroyed.
Please take a minute and think or write loving thoughts so he will feel comforted and know he isn't alone. Thoughts for him and all the lost boys who just want to live and be happy. We all need to be strong and courageous; it's just that, sometimes........it's too hard.
{{hugs}}
smith
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It is always difficult in times like this. Years ago when we lost a dear friend we did something a little different which helped all of us more then I would have imagined.
Instead of mourning his passing we all went to the beach (we're in Florida) and built a big bonfire (we got the proper permits first) and we threw a party to celebrate his life. After a while we all took turns standing in front of the fire and sharing a special moment of his life that we remembered with the rest of the group. Some shared something he did that made them laugh. Others shared something that made them cry. Some just shared a special moment they spent together.
It was a magical evening in honor of our friend. AN evening that none of us will ever forget and one that I remember whenever I think of him. He is no longer physically here with us, but in no small part because of that evening he lives forever in our hearts and is and always will be with us the rest of our lives.
**BIG HUGS**
Piper
Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be
From 'Breathe' - Pink Floyd
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about 18 mos ago, my cousin (who was 18 at the time) tried to kill himself. i was shocked by this and was asking why at the time as well. fortunately, he was not successful...
it wasn't because of the same reasons mentioned before. in fact, i don't even think that i could ever tell him that i am gay. he wouldn't understand.
but a suicide is a suicide, no matter what pushes the person to do so. it's sad to hear that there are so many out there that feel that death is the only way out of their problems.
my thoughts go out to the surviving partner. knowing that what i had to go through at a failed attempt was so difficult, i can hardly imagine what he is going through now...
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dmanLA
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Getting started |
Registered: May 2004
Messages: 4
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Oh dude - What can I say? This has got to be just the WORST thing you will ever go through. As an older gay male, I know what it's like to grow up gay in a world that is less tolerant than this one we currently have. I too contemplated suicide several times. But, luckily, I'm still here. And I just can't imagine what you're going through. The loss is.... just devastating. Yes, that one last conversation to have with your loved one.
In my years and wisdom, I've come to see suicide as a totally desperate and selfish act. How could someone do that to you? How could they?
It is just mind boggling and .... I'm just soooo sorry buddy. Soooo sorry. It really sucks to be you right now.
Now I'm gonna say all the stuff that everyone says. They say it because it's true. So here we go. You'll never get over this. Never. But you will get past it. You will. And over time.... years, it will hurt less. But it will always hurt. It will change you. You will never be the same. I know you didn't want to be changed in this way.... WHO WOULD? But we don't have a choice in these things. This may shape something positive in your life.... direct your energies, you never know.
Okay enough of that. Dude, this is just so sad. I read what happened as I was looking at my email, kinda rushing around to get out of the house and...... when I actually read what had happened.... I just sat down and cried like a fucken baby. I'm SOOOO SORRY THIS HAPPENED TO YOU. I know you love your boyfriend but..... he sure wasn't thinking about you when he did this, did he? No.... he didn't. Damn.
Okay, I'm gonna shut up now and get my crying under control. I'm sure you'll have a much tougher job doing that. My heart goes out to you pal. If you wanna vent or rage or cry or ..... just write the shit that's on your mind and heart.... my name is Tom and my email address is davismanLA@netscape.net. I'll listen. I'll respond. I'll be here as much as I can from a distance.
This is just so sad. Be strong and ..... it will get better. You'll have to trust me on this because I'm sure you don't believe it now. Like I said, if you need to reach out for any reason.... please do. I'm here. I'm sorry.
Love,
Tom
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I'm sorry for your loss. It's never easy no matter what the age.
Why people do things in life, I don't know. But I do know that the ones left behind are the ones that suffer. It doesn't matter if you're old or you're young that feeling of despair that causes a person to end their life is tragic.
There are no words that will make this easier for you to get through, but the older you get [I'm 58] the hurt will diminish. Unfortunately I speak from experience.
All I can offer you are my thoughts and prayers and I will keep doing that for you for as long as you need them.
Please take care of yourself.
Billy
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In Memoriam
Your name is never forgotten
Nor ever likely to be
Whose moral strength continues to shelter and protect
Through love shared sacrificing all
Being the best that you could be
Living your hearts desire
Forging bonds surviving throughout all eternity
November 12, 1951
July 3, 1978
----------
So says the words inscribed on my lover Jon's nameless headstone.
Thirty-six years and one month has passed since that morning when the World came crashing down around me as news of Jon's death, from a massive cerebral haemorrhage whilst he crossed the threshold to our apartment, greeted my arrive at work.
Although the circumstances are somewhat different from that of your young friend, I do however know the devastation of heart and mind he must be feeling. That it might be self-destructive is a very real possibility, and should be guarded against at all cost, just as it had been in my own instance, and from which without the support of those closest to me, I know I would not have ... no let me make that stronger ... I COULD NOT HAVE survived. This not-with-standing that through the course of the next two years I became hell-bent on destroying myself and my then career, fracturing an already fragile relationship with my family, and all but voiding any goodwill that remained between myself and my peers.
That Jon should die at age 27, seemed to be so futile; but, I since have come to the realization that his time simply had come ... that he was needed elsewhere ... that other challenges faced him which demanded his full attention.
It would be nearly six years before I could begin to accept his passing, taking an abused youth named Alan in 1984, then not aged-15, to snap me out of my self-imposed prison; a fragile and tormented teen who would later become my eldest adopted son. Alan had been told that I might be able to help him if he cared to ask; and ask he did, never once taking pity upon the broken, crippled and otherwise worthless middle-aged man he found; but simply befriending him; and in his doing so, forcing me to rise to challenge of his needs taking precedence over my own.
Four years earlier, as a direct result of a head-on collision with a bridge abutment at over 100 miles per hour, I had been told I would never walk again unaided, nor would I ever once more grace the atélier runways, magazine covers, billboards or filmed commercials of my youth. Speeding towards an imminent death I was surprisingly at peace; but, that I did not die is testament to there having been some other higher purpose for my surviving. Alan gave me that purpose, whereas thoughts of my lover Jon gave me the strength to fulfil it; his daily state of grace, in life, having been so all encompassing, that I can't say I've ever encountered another to this day, nor am I ever likely in future, whose belief in his faith governed each and every breath that he took.
The healing that began with Alan entering my life was completed ten years almost to the day after Jon's death, late one June evening, where upon in response to a very insistent ringing, I opened the door, and gasped. My heart raced, my head started spinning, and I weakened at the knees, very nearly collapsing across the threshold. The young apparition steadied me with his outreached arms and asked me almost in a whisper, and decidedly shyly, "If he might come in ... ".
I truly thought I had just seen a ghost, or that perhaps I too, had died and my lover as I had first known him, all those many years ago at the World's Fair in Montréal, had come to greet me. This was the younger brother neither Jon nor I had ever known existed. The sixth boy, named Aaron he told me, born not quite three years after we left Iowa. Once seated, and slowly returning to normal, I saw before me a youth exhibiting an extreme anguish such as I'd not sensed in another in over twenty years.
I felt his desperation as he begged me to "tell him who his brother Jon had been?"; his wanting so very much, "to understand what it was that had bound the two of us so firmly together, and created such a crisis in his family?"; a crisis, which he informed me "continued to prevail to that very day".
The family you see, had tried to deny to him his older brother's very existence; but he would have none of that and set off to find out the truth for himself. He related for me the some six months of searching until he had finally located where I could be found, and in doing so, shared he had feared that I wouldn't acknowledge, let alone want to see him because of what his family had done to his brother, my 'lover' Jon, and I.
Unexpected death, whether through accident, natural causes or suicide, leaves behind it a legacy of anguish, pain, heartbreak, unfulfilled dreams and promises, and all too often, unanswered questions. If I have learned nothing else from my own life 50-odd years life experience, it is that there is always a reason, always a purpose, behind that unexpected death; and that's it's our manifest duty to endure in order that those reasons and purposes get answered.
For the record, I have been running, not just walking, completely unaided since 1986, although I do experience severe pain and discomfort either seated or standing for any length of time, and have learned to pace myself in all that I do. Immediate, and later constructive, cosmetic surgery was never able to completely undo the damage that I inflicted upon myself. My eldest son Alan still is in need of my support and comfort, serving a second of two terms in a Canadian Prison for (drug-related) armed robbery, whereas Paul is still missing, and now pressumed to be dead, after two years. Other than our one unexpected, fleeting and unspoken, encounter with his elder brother Aiden in New York City in 1975, the telephone call at the time of Jon's death to his father in 1978, and my meeting with his youngest brother Aaron in 1988, neither I or Jon, had any contact with his family after Autumn 1967.
Warren C. E. Austin
The Gay Deceiver
Toronto, Canada
"... comme recherché qu'un délice callipygian"
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Hello there,
I want to say something comforting to you,but I don't know what to say except you must try to go on. You will always have the memory of your love to carry with you. Eventually memories of loved ones are all that we have. If only the person who doesn't want to, or think they can't bear to go on would think of the loved ones they will leave behind and how they will grieve for them, they might not go through with it. I always feel so sad when I see that a young person has died, so much to live for, but thrown away.
Make the attempt, take care of yourself, eating and getting some rest, you will get through this in time.
With a hug,
Cy
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smith, you wrote: "The boy who is gone is with God now and at peace but the one left behind is searching for a way to get through it." and "...keeps asking 'Why? and 'How will I go on?'"
Loss can happen only after gain. First one must love, and love deeply, to feel the tearing, gut-wrenching pain of loss. Please ask your friend to thank God he knew such love, since many have never felt, or never let themselves feel, such love in the present tense, realizing only too late that "I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all." - Tennyson. And from Annie Dillard:
"If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be too cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down." Your friend has built his wings -- and still has them, though now tightly furled. He'll soar again; some are groundings forever. Please, don't let him wallow in the pool of pity -- remember Mark Twain:
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." All my love to him, and to you for sharing this terrible misfortune. d
"Remember what the Dormouse said:
"Feed your head; feed your head."
--Jefferson Airplane - WHITE RABBIT
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Neph
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Getting started |
Registered: January 1970
Messages: 23
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You are not alone. Hundreds of hearts that learn of this tragedy mourn with you. They also pray that you will find the strength needed to mourn, recouperate, get on with your life, and find love again.
It's not worth much, but here are two pieces from great literature that contain truths that may help you in this difficult time:
Good boy, why mourn'st thou?
- Good fool, for my brother's death.
- I think his soul is in hell, boy.
- I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
- The more fool you, boy, to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven.
[William Shakespeare, slightly adapted]
(It is rumoured that Shakespeare was gay or bi)
Boy, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sorrow's springs are the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is boy you mourn for.
[Gerard Manley Hopkins - slightly adapted]
(It is a fact that Hopkins was gay)
Remember: in your sorrow you are not alone.
[Updated on: Tue, 03 August 2004 07:34] by Moderator |
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Ena
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Getting started |
Registered: January 2004
Messages: 23
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I like Piper's suggestion. Remember him when his was alive and share the memories with those who have loved him.
For the one who is left behind, forgive him. Forgive him for leaving you behind, forgive him for not giving you a chance to help him, forgive him for being weak, forgive him for the hurt and pain his decision has caused.
Learn from him and let those around you to help you over this tough times.
It's only right to grieve but hang on there.
Take care
Ena
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Please tell the surviving partner that i'm so very sorry for his loss. I understand intimately the pain and sense of futility that leads to suicide... and the guilt and pain of the surviving partner. Nothing i can say will lessen this boy's pain, but please let him know that there are many survivors out here, and while it feels like the pain will never end, it will become bearable. It won't always hurt so much. My prayers and thoughts are with this young man.
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I know I can't take the pain of your lose away, but I won't you to know that you are in my thoughs and prayers, may God Bless you and help take away the pain.
HUGS and Love
Leon
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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May God look after him, and give his partner the courage to still be himself.
Look after him well, the strength of all of us is with you.
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Never should this happen, and I grieve to know that it happens anyway. All our hearts go out to you, and to all who have suffered such cruel days. One million hugs for you. Peace.
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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No Message Body
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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Although I met Jake after his ex-lover/ friend killed himself the hurt was still very real, even 1 year on. My story Words Can't Express from my old name of Quondam Manitou is Jake and Nick's story. Told from my position as a third person "historian" talking to first person sources, I guess. It is dramatised and it is from a time when my writing was much worse than it is now. Nonetheless I can understand what your friend must be going through, maybe as much as a third person can understand. It's a sad realisation when love is not enough. Be there as much as you can, though, he will be bouncing all over the place now. Keep him clean as much as you can.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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This is by W.H. Auden, a gay poet who lost his lover. Jake found it to help a lot when he lost Nick, maybe your friend will find it of some worth, too.
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one:
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods:
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I lost a boyfriend when I was your age. He took his life as he couldn't cope with being gay and loving me. His parents and peers hated what he was doing. We loved each other as only two teens can do.
I feel for you so much and feel your tears and heartbreak. Nothing comes near such hurt. But being human and living after a while makes us think about the good times and love and the hurt dosen't keep its horror.
To be loved and to love even so young is the most wonderful human experience and makes for emotional growth.
He's always there and his arms are around you whatever you do and think and say. You've been one and still are even though he's sleeping.
He's yours forever and everything you did together belongs to you and I am sure that's where it's meant.
Take care and know that I and many others are thinking about you, feeling your loss as we experienced the same. I'm much older now and still carry the memories and my love for my first has never diminished. Somehow it has made me a better person as I feel love because I had it with my beautiful Dean.
Lots of hugs and cuddles,
Love Michael.
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My thoughts and prayers are with you. It is hard to find answers and even harder to accept what has happened, but I hope you know that the love and support and thoughts of many, many people are with you right now. May the light which has gone out be rekindled in your soul and bring you, eventually, to peace and understanding.
Oliver
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Dear smith
I guess this is the worst kind of news we can get, where one part of a problem is irretrievable. It grieves me to hear such news, but then I think how much worse it must be for your friend that is left without his closest friend in the world. My heart goes out to him in his loss. The only token we can give him is that he can know we grieve with him for his loss and any support that we can possibly help with. It will take a long time for the hurt to subside, and I'm sure he'll never forget him.
I'm sure his friend would never have resorted to such desperate measures if he had only stopped and asked for help in dealing with his problem. There is always another solution. I'm sure if he'd realised the result of his actions, he'd also never have gone through with it.
If anyone reading this, has cause to feel down or depressed in any way, for pity's sake ask for help. Don't do something that can't be undone.
Please pass my condolences and a hug to your friend smith, and let him know he is not forgotten.
Mike.g
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smith,
After posting my previous reply, I had other thoughts and what may be a helpful solution for your friend.
It can't erase the pain or loneliness he feels altogether , but it may lessen it a little. Ask him to sit quietly by himself and think about his friend. Now undoubtedly he will be feeling some anger at why he could have done this, but if he concentrates on thinking 'I forgive you' it will help enormously. If he can think that his friend only did this, not to hurt him, and didn't realise the consequenses, but just because he couldn't cope anymore, then the thought of 'I forgive you' will help him a lot I believe, especially if he really does forgive him for the hurt he's suffering.
I believe he will be able to at least cope a little better.
Like I said before he will remain in my thoughts, even though I am busy helping a young man who is suffering the mental anguish of being raped two years ago. He is now 19, but was raped on his 17th birthday.
If I can show him love, I can surely feel for your friend. Tell him he is welcome to email me anytime.
Huggs
Mike.g
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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Not sure how to express my concerns for your pain. I have not
experienced such a devasting loss, my loss was due to a natural
death, and not from old age either. My friend died of heart
failure after 10 long years of continual pain. I know he is in
a better place now, and that he no longer hurts. We must move
on an pray for each others pains. My thoughts are with you and
I hope you can continue looking to the future, it will take some
time I know. It has been 3 long years for me, and still I think
of my friend and miss him terribly. They say it gets easier as time
goes on, maybe so, we can only hope for the best.
God bless you.
Calvin
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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I've read all the responces with all the kind words of encouragement and you know what....
It hurts.... It hurts more than anything ever will hurt and although time may send the hurt to the back of your memory it will always be there. Every time you hear "that special song" or "see that special movie" everything will come crashing back.
You want to scream and yell your rage and you want to hit something because you've been wronged. You can't reason nor justify what happened and all the well wishing in the world doesn't make the hurt stop one tiny bit!
So go out and scream and yell, take a bat and ball out and give it hell....
and when all this works itself out... go and talk to someone "greif counceling" wise... be with your friends... Don't sit home and dwell on the "what if's" or the "if only's"...
but there is hope... I know...
Eventually, in time...
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Guest
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On fire! |
Registered: March 2012
Messages: 2344
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I am so sorry this had to happen to anyone. I know how you feel I lost my boyfriend 8 months ago too he was killed in a car accident he was my best friend but I couldn't always be with him and trying to keep it from my family and he doing the same I am happy that now we can always be together in spirit because he will never leave my side it makes me feel safer and happy every time i think about him being near me and I sometimes cry because I miss his touch but I fell him touch me every time I cry he is always there and I know it so just think to yourself everytime you cry that he is there with you and holding your hand and he wants you to be happy and enjoy life he still loves you and he can take care of you better. I hope my heart and feeling help you to heal the scar on your heart you can email me if you would like to or im me doesnt matter ( brian4315@aol.com )
sincerely,
brian
::-)
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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I will pray for each boy
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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Dear Gentlefolk,
I am one of the "Real-Life" friends that smith was refering to in his "Another Lost Boy Post." I wanted to thank all of you on behalf of the survivor, his family, and his friends for all of the kind words, thoughts, and in some cases, e-mails. It has been an incredibly heartwarming response that has boosted the young man's morale and spirits. All of us here thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your kindness.
Sincerely,
G. P. Bishop
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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blue
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Likes it here |
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131
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~Blue here.
-- You were a true friend and loved one to someone who loved and appreciated your friendship and love.
What if this or that never happened? What if something else happened instead? -- You can ask those questions for a very long time and still not be sure of the answers. We're all only human and imperfect.
Why? -- I wish I knew too. That doesn't mean no one cares or that there's no answer.
How will I go on? -- It is OK to feel overwhelmed. We often do, all of us, even the most together, well adjusted people feel that way sometimes. You will be able to go on. It will be hard, but you will be able to. There are others you can lean on. Sure, you'll miss him. He was important to you; he still is. Little things will remind you of him, even years later. Remember the good times and let go of the bad times. Don't be afraid of the memories. It is no disrespect for you to go on with your life, either. A true love would want that for you.
Do you feel angry? Sure you do! Maybe even a little angry at him, just a little. Maybe at other people. -- You have reason enough to be angry. Don't hold it in and don't let it eat at you. What happened was in all ways a terrible and unnecessary mistake.
Things will get better.
~Blue
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Another Lost Boy 
Re: Another Lost Boy 
