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I know where you hide:
Alone in your car,
Know all of the things that make you who you are.
I know that goodbye means nothing at all,
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls..
i spent the last 3 days up in what some people call god's country; a place that my car could barely get to, and the weather didn't cooperate either. it rained until yesterday, and then i swam naked in water that was way too cold. you can't spot tears when you swim. see, this lady called while i was away, ignoring voice mails on my cellphone until the last. my mother gave me her message: that she loved my resume and could i please call her at westshore internal medicine, to set up an interview? i was ecstatic. i called right away, on my cell and racking up roaming charges... but she was actually looking for a medical assistant, not a phlebotomist. i'm not trained as an MA but i told her i could learn quickly, that i adapt very quickly to new situations.
she said she was sorry, but no... however my resume was quite impressive and she will see to it that it gets into the right hands this time, if she can. i thanked her for her time, clicked 'end' on my cellphone, and then thought about stealing boat anchors from various spots on the lake i was at, tying them to my ankles, and then going swimming again.
it doesn't much matter if they do call, or the resume does get into the right hands, at least not right now. the externship hours are officially done; i have a paper to write and turn into my college by the 20th, at which time ludington's evaluation of my extern performance should also be in, which is the other 50 percent of my externship grade! yay though, for that! because then i will get my actual graduation certificate. ludington memorial hospital gave me a certificate, which almost made me cry it was so nice of them. i loved it there.
but it's done and i said and promised family and the like, 2 friends i actually have that when it was over, i'd get this last surgery i need. i know that that fistula is pushing on places it shouldn't -- if i move quick or in the wrong way, i can feel it. the last x-ray i actually had showed an inch or less between it and my liver. if it reaches the liver it'll be bad news. i need to have the surgery to have it removed, i know this. i wonder if i'd have not missed certain doses of imuran if this wouldn't've happened, but playing what if games won't change it, i GOTTA get this done. it'd be another week in the hospital, and then recovery time because it's abdominal surgery.
i must be a lame person to be putting this off because i'm scared of being "inactive" for so long. because the meds i'd be put on afterwards for pain make me crazy and i have an addictive personality. because i also know what'll go down afterward. i've lost too much weight, again, and my mom knows that the time off my feet will maybe help me gain, but if it doesn't i have to seek treatment for that, too.
and if someone could just hire me i could avoid all this. i need to work, need to have money -- shiloh needs school shopping supplies, and my car's transmission needs a flush, and these things do not pay for themselvse and i couldn't be made to have this surgery or go into treatment for eating issues/gender issues (they releate; my screwed thinking seems to think i can, in fact, starve off feminine curves, and only andy here has seen the awful picture that is feminine curves and my fat ass, and i've lost 20 since then) if i had a job. because i'd have to be at this job.
who i miss most in all of this, is kevin. because no matter how shitty things got, kevin made things seem like they were cake, and could always make me laugh and his voice was a soothing one. sometimes, i call his cellphone just to hear his voice on his outgoing message say his name. but i know even if i left a message that he wouldn't call back.
i don't know how else to apologise. i wasn't myself during those times, you guys. i wasn't. i handle pressure badly and school was being a monster and thorizine made me a zombie but now all that is regulated, and it doesn't change how i acted and i'm not trying to use it as an excuse but it's just how things rolled. i remember when i first came here and kevin offered shi and i a place to live if i was able to move out, and i know he's not there anymore (at least i don't think) and some nights the only way i got through was thinking about having such an awesome downstairs-roommate, and throwing little apartment-building parties and cooking everyone's food and cleaning for them as well, to show how much i appreciated a shot at a new life.
kevin, if you're sitll out there and read i miss you, and i'm so sorry for how i acted. i wish we were friends again.
if anyone even made it through this drivel-y long long post, thanks. i just had to release/vent somewhere, because a lot of this i can't get out in daily life. i'll drop a line in this post (digging it back up if i have to!) when the surgery comes up, i know it's a simple one and everything so it's not a big deal, i just can't put it off anymore, or else more scar tissue'll build and get closer. as for after that, ed treatment, i'm not entirely sure. it won't be anything inpatient though because i'm too old for them to force that. my mother says 5 more pounds down and she can, under the 'threat to self' motiff, but i doubt that.
love you guys.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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You sound as if you need someone to care. Well you came to the right place. People here do you know.
Mike gives you a ((((((((HUG))))))))
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Sooooo, you're a Phlebotomist? You probably already know that • A leech's saliva contains a property that acts as an anticoagulant for human blood.
• In the famous shower scene in the 1960 Alfred Hitchcock chiller Psycho, chocolate syrup was used to simulate blood.
• Barbers performed as surgeons hundreds of years ago. Bloodletting, a remedy believed to cure diseases at the time, was one of their main tasks.
Don't quit now, man! Hang in there. I'm truly sorry I'm not Kevin, to assuage your pain somewhat, but know that I'd like to be, so I could. No-one should hurt, knowing there are others prepared to help the hurt go away. Keep in touch -- PLEASE! d
"Remember what the Dormouse said:
"Feed your head; feed your head."
--Jefferson Airplane - WHITE RABBIT
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there needs to be a happy-but-sad emoticon. hehe.
i did know those things, in fact.. but not until i had to do a final report in my phleb 201 class over the winter. the barber pole stood for: red = blood, white = tourniquet, and the pole itself being something the person would hang onto (akin to clenching a fist, these days.)
i always mention small things from this report i did, to people who are scared to be drawn. that compared to how they used to do it (old fashioned lancets, real leeches, metal-leeches, and the scarificator) it's a walk in the park.
i won't give up on it, though. i just don't like having to wait.
a friend confirmed for me that i'm not underweight regardless what my BMI might say. so probably i'll get out of getting help for the eating disorder. the surgery has to be done, though.
thank you, d...
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Hi sweety--
I, too, just came off of being unemployed and fearing that my career in healthcare was finished (though you're in fear of it not starting). Please don't let the stress get to you. I was so stressed that i developed eczema on my scalp, a thing that doesn't happen until it's very, very bad. But i finally got a job, and i know there's one out there for you too.
as to the surgery, you're absolutely right. it mustn't reach your liver, so you need to get this taken care of...the sooner the better.
So take your marinol and eat hearty--you need to be healthy if you're going to be able to do the work you need to do at the hospital.
cheers!
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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