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Right now at this particular moment in time, I'm drunk, scared, unemployed, and unsure of things. I try to be a friend, but not sure anymore.
Sometimes you just gotta say "to the hell with things" and risk it. I'm risking it. I don't know what my future holds, nobody does, but I'm hoping.
Hoping things work out, hoping so many things come true.
I was awoken at 7 am today with at phone call from the "water" company telling me they would be here around 9:30am. I stood and waited for them to show up, thinking. Thinking all kinds of things. Later in the day something came up between me and my mom when we stopped for fuel.
I told her: "I WANT TO LIVE!"
All kinds of reasons went through my mind when I said that.
Most of all was because: "I have so many things to do yet"
"so many things to do yet"??????
I want to meet the love of my life so bad it hurts. Those that know me know who and why that hasn't happened yet. Those that don't, ask, I'm not toooooo shy.
Other things came up tonight, little things, but things that showed me "quietly" how much my mom loves my dad. She was making plans for the two of them well into the future, even though my dad is recovering from a heart attach. They were "close" tonight, something i havent' seen before.
I can't tell them, but I can here. I love my mom and dad. If I told them, they'd think I lost my mind, and have me committed. Mom and I worked on they're house today, and gave my dad little chores to do to make him feel useful. (He only got out of the hospital on Saturday) He's like me, Stubborn. He has 6 stints in him now, and didnt' really understand what that meant till I opened my mouth tonight. He has enough metal holding open his arteries to set off the air port metal detectors, enough metal that if they do an MRI (Magnetic Resolution Imangie) they can be ripped from him causing instant death. (the doctors didn't explain that to him) A simple car accident where he's unconscience and can't tell them "No MRI" could kill him, and he's gone.
I guess what this is coming to is "What do we do?" I took a chance with my mom's and my life earlier today while fueling the vehicle. "Do we live in fear?" "Should we live in fear?" If we do, then what is the point in going on?
Yes, I'm still drunk, the beer is affecting me more now as I write this. But, I was out with my parents and one sister having a good time and drinking. We talked about death in front of my dad, even about his mother's death. "Is that good or bad?" (I learned things I didnt' know)
Oh well, If nobody ansewers, I'll understand. I was stood up by a "friend" tonight too, so screw it.
Brian
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.
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brian,
i know we haven't talked a whole lot, and i'm not sure if we get along or not. being that i'm not sure, is why i'm taking a chance.. on the fact that maybe we do. but if not, your post still reached me and i wanted to say something.
first off, wow... i can only empathise with that feeling of wanting something so bad it aches down to the marrow of your bones and nerve endings of the skin. i've felt that way before, back when i could actually feel things beyond regret. i am not really sure who it is, but don't feel it's by business to ask -- it doesn't change the message, which is this: if things are going well, hold onto that feeling. i don't know how much distance is involved, or circumstance, but even though my luck and life stinks, i still hold true to the fact that hope is a good thing, maybe even the best of things (quote "the shawshank redemption"). so hold onto that hope, and love. i think that if the love is meant to be, and true, that nothing can stand in its way.
nothing.
as for your family, i wish i could have any kind of advice or words for that, but i don't. only one member of my family knows about me, and even then she just assumes it's "bi," she doesn't know the gender issues and i couldn't even think of ways to tell her. most importantly, it's love. love is all i want. if it was love maybe it could see beyond genders and labels and whatever's, but to explain that to a family member who, while they love me, are bound to stricter ways they came up, would be impossible. so that's the only way i can even offer a sort of "i understand," -- i'm not trying to talk about myself, rather, i am trying to show you that i'm not just talking out of my patoot when i say that i understand.
i am glad your father is pulling through recovery, and i'm glad that you have a good time with them tonight, and gained some insights in the process.
i only wish i could help more. i used to be able to do that well, help people... now i feel like i'm digging holes or like, offering useless words, so if i'm doing that here, i'm sorry.
take care of you... drink lots of water before you finally sleep. 
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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Hey Brian--
I don't know the story of you and the person you love, and i'm not tooo shy either, so i'm asking.
The things i'm going to tell you, you already know--but it never hurts to be reminded. First, go ahead and tell your parents you love them. They already know, but "i love you" is one phrase that can never be said enough times. Your parents are under enormous pressure and moving thru some pretty profound changes, and i think it would be a very good thing if you told them how you feel about them. One of the true joys in my life when i hit my late teens and early twenties was seeing my relationship with my parents (and my siblings) move from child/parent and child/child to the love and respect and friendship that adults can share. Don't be afraid to speak openly about your feelings--despite all our training as teens not to talk about these things, it can make an amazing and powerful change for the better in your life.
Being unemployed and scared sucks. I have dealt with that in the recent past, so i know whereof i speak. Thanks to the care and support of some very close and good friends, i made it thru and out the other side. You will too. This is a matter of holding on for dear life and working your ass off to change the situation. It's tough, but if you can write the post you did here while drunk, you're plenty smart enough to be able to market yourself and get someone interested in hiring you. If you need help with resume`s and whatnot, please email me and i'll help however i can.
Your life is changing right now, obviously. You won't be the same person at the end of the process, inevitably. The trick is to guide the process a little, and use the momentum of the change to nudge yourself closer to what you want to be, after considering carefully what that person will look like.
I wish you all the best in this difficult time, and i will be sending lots of good energy to your father for his continued recovery.
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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We talk FAR too little! You're always nice to talk with, and a good and kind friend.
I don't really know what's going on in your life these days, it's been too long since I had the chance to have a chat, but it's really great I think to hear you say you're stubborn. Keep being that way, stubborn people are the ones that make it in life. 
{{{huugs}}}
Hope to get to talk to you soon!
Your friend also:
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13800
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No income needs addressing.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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How? Why?? What happened???
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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Oh man, I can barely figure out what I was talking about last night.
Lets see, how to answer all these replies...
Okay,
aj, We'll have to chat sometime for all those answers.
Lenny, I'd like to chat, but I really don't care for MSN, I'm on Yahoo and
AIM everyday, you know that.
Timmy, I'm at a loss on yours, if it's what I'm thinking, then you know what
I'm doing.
nothing, Thanks, I still can't say that to my parents, they really would
have be committed. I think they know in there own little way.
I think we've only chatted once, so I guess that we didn't have
much to say to each other.
Marc, What do I say, How? The township passed some rules and regulations
for my business, and I don't have the big bucks to fight them in
court. I either played by they're rules, or closed, so I closed.
I've sold mostly everything I can't take with me when I move.
hope that answers some of the questions.
Brian
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.
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