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that's okay, though. i need to get it out, to say that i did so.
spent the week in the hospital. liver is safe, head and body are not. my parental tried to put me in an eating disorder facility. i'm officially underweight now, lost 45 in one month. BMI is below "underweight" level of 17. but because my skin is still soft and i don't have bones that stab people (yet?) i'm safe. add to that fact that i'm an adult (though i rarely act it?) and i'm safe. i can't be "put" into any facility. me, 1. them, 0.
here's some stuff, from henry rollins. i got to meet him this year, the day before my birthday. it was the best birthday i've ever had. we exchanged something knowing (or so i told myself) and i have pictures of us together. his books have saved my life and head in more ways than one. each of those ways is outlined and emphasised below. this is the part i'm sure'll get skipped over. occasionally a song'll say something better than i can, etc... but this guy? henry... i swear he's been inside my head before. it's scary that these things could be written like this. that someone else could feel it so strongly.
so with all this my point is that i'm well aware i've worn out my welcome, and that i don't fit certain criterias to receive it. receive what...? i don't know, but i didn't get a single email, offline message, or ANYTHING while i was away. i realise how bratty it is of me to "expect" such things but you know, it does put things in perspective. i remember, again, that these are just pixels, just words and screen names. it means nothing.
would it be pompous of me to ask that every post i ever made here be removed? probably. but they fall to the wayside, ignored, anyways. to me that's just as good as removed. i could hope to be banned like bryce, so that even if i have the urge to "come back" i wouldn't be able to. i'm tired of beating my head into walls, frankly. i'm tired of not being special enough, small enough, thin enough, healthy enough, or even sick enough, or male enough, or young enough, to receive what everyone else has here. so screw it. with any luck i'll become unsoft and it'd be hilarous that all this hubbub was made about a fistula, when i could keel over from a heart attack due to trying to be perfect.
anyway, rollins:
Some of us live in the dark. We never see the light unless it comes through the window. Street light at night creeps through the venetian blinds and lies broken and scattered on the floor. Some of us wait in the dark. Quietly. Patiently. Sharpening our claws waiting for you to slip just once. Our bodies are warm. Our muscles are tight. We press our eyes up to the key hole and look around. We wait in the dark, grinding our teeth. Waiting. Waiting for you to slip just once.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define you character.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Tonight I'm an old satellite
Emitting weak signals from far away
Low output
Where are the planets tonight?
Think about the spaceman blues
Lonely on the moon
Imagine walking out of your room
And finding you're on the moon looking at Earth far away
After awhile it might not be so bad
At least they couldn't hurt you from there
Memories stick like napalm and keep burning
Years later I still burn.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Tried to find you with my eyes closed tonight,
I got to your face and that's it.
Something switched off--
The impossibility of you and me.
I can't remember how I felt then.
It doesn't matter.
You were a bag of lies and excuses,
You let your life turn you into shit
You're like all the others,
I must have been out of my fucking mind.
--vv the one i've written him about vv---------
I know you.
You were too short.
You had bad skin.
You couldn't talk to them very well;
Words didn't seem to work,
They lied when they came out of your mouth.
You tried so hard to understand the others.
You wanted to be part of what was happening.
You saw them having fun,
Seemed like such a mystery.
Almost magic.
You thought that there was something wrong with you.
You would look in the mirror trying to find the flaw...
You thought that you were ugly.
And that everybody was looking at you,
So you learned to be invisible.
To look down.
To avoid conversation.
The hours, days, weekends;
The weekend nights
Alone.
Where were you,
The basement, the attic, your room?
Working some job?
Just to have something to do?
Just to have a place to put yourself?
Just to have a way to get away from them;
Staying away from the ones
That made you feel so strange,
And ill at ease inside yourself.
Did you ever get invited to one of their parties?
You sat and wondered if you would go or not;
For hours you imagined what might transpire;
If they would laugh at you.
If you would know what to do.
If you would have the right things on.
If they would notice that you came from a different planet. ***
Did you get all brave in your thoughts,
Like you were going to be able to go in there,
Deal with it and have a great time?
Did you think that you might be the "life of the party?"
That all these people were going to talk to you,
And you would find out that you were wrong?
And that you had a lot of friends,
And you weren't so strange after all?
Did you end up going?
Did they mess with you?
Did they single you out?
Did you find out that you got invited
Because they thought you were so weird?
I think I know you.
You spent a lot of time full of hate,
A hate that was as pure as sunshine.
A hate that saw for miles.
A hate that kept you up at night.
A hate the filled your every waking moment.
A hate that carried you for a long time.
Yes, I think I know you.
You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived;
Home was not home.
Your room was home.
A corner was home.
Anywhere they weren't,
That was home.
I know you.
You're sensitive;
You hide it.
You fear getting stepped on one more time.
It seems that when you show a part of yourself
That is the least bit vulnerable,
Someone takes advantage of you.
One of them steps on you.
They mistake kindness for weakness--
But you know the difference.
You've been the brunt of their weakness for years, and
Strength is something you know a bit about.
You had to be strong to keep yourself alive.
You know yourself very well now.
You don't trust people.
You know them too well.
You try to find a special person,
Someone you can be with.
Someone you can touch.
Someone you can talk to.
Someone you won't feel so strange around.
You found that they don't really exist.
You feel closer to people on movie screens.
Yea, I think I know you.
You spend a lot of time daydreaming--
People have made comment to that effect,
Telling you that you're self involved and self centered.
But they don't know, do they,
About the long night shifts alone.
About the years of keeping yourself company.
All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself
So you could imagine someone holding you.
The hours of indecision.
Self doubt.
The intense depression,
The blinding hate,
The rage that made you stagger,
The devastation of rejection.
Well, maybe they do know.
But if they do,
They sure do a good job of hiding it.
It astounds you how they can be so smooth,
How they seem to pass through life
As if life itself was some divine gift.
It infuriates you to watch yourself
With your apparent skill in finding every way possible
To screw it up.
For you life is a long trip:
Terrifying and wonderful.
Birds sing to you at night,
The rain and the sun,
The changing seasons are true friends.
Solitude is a hard won ally,
Faithful and patient.
Yes, I think I know you.
------------------------------------------------------------
Hope is the last thing a person does before they are defeated.
------------------------------------------------------------
I am ready for whatever's coming. I expect nothing but to be let down or turned away. I am alone. Goddamn. The shit hurts sometimes, but I realize what I am, what I have become. The alien man waved his arms up and down and noticed that he couldn't wave in the right language so he stopped. ***
------------------------------------------------------------
Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them. If you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.
------------------------------------------------------------
Wrap your skeleton around me.
Weld your bones to mine.
I need more than regular involvement,
I need you to perform a miracle on me.
Somehow still the horror inside.
Please help me,
I don't want to die screaming.
I don't know if you can do it..
Hold me in a violent grip,
Outsmart me.
I need something.
A vacancy is growing inside me that I can't control...
Fuck it.
Don't even try.
I'll just abuse you;
It's all I know.
I'm just afraid that I'll hurt you
More than I already have.
------------------------------------------------------------
they don't lie a lot
they just don't tell the truth very often.
truth does not mean much to them;
you can lie to them, or tell the truth
makes no difference to them.
walk on them, if you want
eat with their forks
destroy them for the hell of it.
this is me -- nothing-light, leander, heathyr -- logging out of apos. i wish i could erase URLs from my memory so i don't come back, i hate being human, and curious. but i don't want to read the nothing that'll be said back. it'd be too little, too late.
andy - although i'm not too happy that you spoke with my mother, thanks for being the only one who gave a shit that i was in the hospital. i do appreciate.
my void does not want.
-- 2.13.61.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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Hey there, wait a cotton pickin minute.....
I read every post, word, utterance and innuendo you place on this board.
I feel for you. I truly do but sometimes I just don't know how to respond.
I knew you were going into hospital for treatment but as my life is a bit hectic at the moment with business (making a living) concerns I tend to get a bit distracted.
Hell, I have just been informed I will have to spend the next 12 months in familial limbo because I happened to forget my parents anniversary.
I do not ignore you. I just get busy.
Now on a different tack. You have to come to terms with your dietary struggle. I know what you are going through, albeit my point of view is about as opposite to your situation as one can get. I do know how hard the battle is and also how easily it can be lost.
If you feel you must vacate then that of course is your choice. Just remember, I am almost always on AIM even if you cant see me there. Talk to me if you want.
Marc
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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XXX took the words right out of my mouth: i read every word everyone says on this board. i'm kind of new around here, so i don't know all of you very well, so disappearing acts don't effect me as much as the next person. i'm terrible at making people feel better anyway. u don't want me to try, really... 
i sincerely hope your situation becomes better. if you need someone to talk to or if you just need to vent, i'm always up for it.
rodney
"more tongue and groove than a hardwood floor"
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I'm going to have to agree with the people above. I read every word and i can honestly say i can relate to it a lot. The poems really go to me because reading them makes feel like i'm reading my life, my every intimate details.
You can always contact me... if you do you will be one of the few that ever have ( from this board anyways ).
I read every post here, many times i don't answer because i'm just afraid i will never fit in.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I have read "not every word", but I have read your words.
I want to express anger to you for getting underweight in that way. I want to do this gently and kindly, but as anger. We, I, will be very angry indeed if you slip away that way, into scrawny oblivion, so I am expressing this to you in the best way I can.
I also want to remind you that a post that is not replied to has huge value too. It is hard, sometimes, to find the words to reply to a brain dump of despair. While we "should" we are not always able to.
We do try, you know.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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saben
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On fire! |
Registered: May 2003
Messages: 1537
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And I didn't post anything here, nor offline message you, nor email you. And I felt bad about that before this post. And I felt bad about that before you mesaged me on MSN. But I didn't know what to say. That doesn't mean I haven't been thinking of you, or praying for you, in fact as I mentioned to you I was talking to Lenny about you, being worried for you and your health. And I felt guilty about that, too. I feel like I was advocating you losing more weight. I don't think it is wrong to want to lose weight, or to be losing weight, that is not an eating disorder. Not eating for 3-4 days in a row is an eating disorder, though. Losing 45 lb in one month is pretty dangerous, too. I didn't mean to advocate that, at all. I feel guilty if you thought that I was. I wish you could be happy with who you are. Your build may just not be built for the way you want it to be and changing that is probably just as hard as changing the physical gender you were born with.
Yesterday was a good day for me, but apart from that I'd been having a very rough week, not as rough as yours I think, there wasn't really many bad things that HAPPENED, but just from within it was a very unmotivated and emotionally drained week. I was a bad friend because of that, but I never claimed to be a good friend, just someone that cares, just someone that is trying to be a friend as honestly as he can manage. If you don't think I make a valuable enough friend to keep because of this, then feel free to "dump me" so to speak, but that won't stop you from being someone I think about, worry about and care about, even if it isn't as often as it should be.
Look at this tree. I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time [...] No matter what you do, that seed will grow to be a peach tree. You may wish for an apple or an orange, but you will get a peach.
Master Oogway
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You know that! Or you should, at least, because I've told you I'm your friend and I care, but I never hear from you these days, I wait for you to come online but you never do anymore. Had I known you were in the hospital of course I'd sent you a mail, but how could I know? I've not heard from you all summer I think.
I've been wondering many times what's going on in your life, how you're doing, if you're okay... Wish you'd log in a bit more often, heh. It would make me feel a lot better. 
In fact, me and Shem spoke about you just the other day.
I'll be with you as much as you'll allow, alright? I am your friend, please be sure of that.
{{{hugs}}}
-L
"But he that hath the steerage of my course,
direct my sail."
-William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act One, Scene IV
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i know that no one's going to read through all this. 
Hey, I do give a shit you know! 
