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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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I'm gonna die anyway, so why should I just prolong the suffering? Now, today as a day itself wasn't great. Firstly, I had that Sigur Ros video stuck in my head the entire day, secondly the year 7s apparently didn't want to play football as the field was empty so I played football by myself... with a flat ball. Thirdly, the geography teacher wasn't here so my favorite subject consisted of doing chemistry work followed by sitting ontop of my briefcase by the entrance to the first school. Then I had chemistry when we were told that the first practicle assessement is coming up, probably a week tommorow, and I suck at practicles. And I've lost my chemistry textbook so I can't do the prep. Then I get back a test ando home to saftey and sanctury (or so I thought), I was quite the whole way back as I was pretty meh... Then just as we approach home, my mum turns around t find out I get a D. A bloody D for godsake! WTF is that?! Then well, I go me and says stuff like "I'm gonna make arrangements for you go to school by the train, I spend an hour and a half taking you to school every day and your attitude is just stinky. And you've been so rude as to border on (someword I can't remember that sounds like insorbidination but it wasn't that) and quite frankly something I'm appalled to have one of my children behaving like. I don't know what your problem is with me, I always brought you up to be polite" and it just went on... So understandably I was pretty upset, but I just took it in my stride (or as much as possible in that situation) and said "Okay, it's your choice," while trying to hold back the tears (which I attempted to do for the rest of the journey, then when I got home, she was going out somewhere so she dropped me off, I went upstairs ignoring my dad and just broke down... I don't bloody have anything against her, I'm not intentionally rude! So I don't talk all the time, so I snapped at her once on Saturday accidently... And if you don't get what my problem is... HOW ABOUT YOU ****ING WELL ASK ME AND TRY TO HELP INSTEAD OF ****ING SHOUTING AT ME?! And she's saying I'm the worst of her children! THANKS A LOT! I NEVER DID AS BAD STUFF AS MY SISTER! Oh well, who cares about that, let's just make my life a misery. Fate just wants to see how many kicks in the balls (metaphorically) it takes to knock me out... Well I think however many it has been now is as many as I can take, or at least close... I see no light at the end of this tunnel... Things are just going to get worse and worse... There's no reason to go on, there's no reason not to end my life... I wouldn't be missed, everyone would just move on within about five minutes... Things arn't going to get better, there's no way they can... I just wish I had enough courage to... pay the final toll...
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Things have just got even worse! Okay, so my mum came in and kept on bugging about what was wrong and I said "Oh, it's just been a bad day" and explained why... And then I said "You don't get why the year 7s mean so much to me, do you?" and she said "Because you always wanted a little brother." And I said "Well yeah, but also... it's just... Oh, forget about it" and she wouldn't... So I hinted about what happened in year 7 when I was 11, she said "We'll talk about this later," seeing that I was quite distressed. So now, my most personal and private secret is out. God, I wish this had never happened...
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blue
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Likes it here |
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131
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I am in chat with him now. He says he's talked to his mum, and she's figured it out, in part. -- I hope for a good outcome, here.
My prayers are with you, Eothain, and your mum and dad and family.
My e-mail and IM are open.
You have the chance at health and happiness. Grab it and don't let go. If you do let go, grab hold again.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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This is just a road you are walking. It is a good thing that this is starting to find its way out. It is time. Be brave and handle the rest of this conversation. Doesn't matter if you cry.
I still have the counsellor's name and he is local to you. Mention this to your parents if you need to.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Hey Eothain--
My thoughts are with you, man. Yes, this is a crisis, but crisis is what brings change. Nothing was going to get better as long as you harbored your secret--now you have a chance to get some help and have an honest and real discussion with your parents--do it! the window for this is relatively small, so go for it!
as blue said, with both hands and hanging on like a limpet.
cheers!
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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after my most recent topic, i'm the last person you might think would say, stay with it, and keep going. but i learne,d the hard way, that people do care (and that if tell people here you;re going to give up on life, timmy will do everything he can to keep you alive, and can you blame him for that?)
you've been given an opportunity that can help you to resolve a serious issue in your life, i say take it. go for it. make the most of this chance. whenever life seems at its worst, thats when your friends and the people who care for you come through for you, are there for you, and support you. talking about the issues you face can be hard, epecially to someone like a parent, but talking is a good step. nothing can be kept a secret forever, maybe this is the time for your secret to come out.
stay with it, friend, when everthing seems at its worst, thats when things will start getting better.
Odi et amo: quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio, set fieri sentio et excrucior
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Okay, I'm feeling slightly less sucidal today but I'm still pretty down in the dumps. I haven't yet told my mum anything because preferably, I don't want to tell her anything. I know it would perhaps be wise for me to speak up but I'm much too cowardly to do that. And in school matters, it's seem to gone to putney on a pig (slang for gone to hell) with the year 7s. Well, maybe not that extreme but still it's not going great. So far this week, I haven't played football with them once! And it's bloody wednesday, soon to be thursday! Every lunch time, they're not even on the field and since seeing that Sigur Ros video, I've had a great desire to play football with them (and not as a goalie). Today at lunch, I didn't do anything but sit in the library, randomly pacing and trying to work out if the year 7s were playing football with the year 8s, I don't think they were, but I normally have the chess ECA but again I skipped it. I'm risking detention or worse and for what?! For what?! Absolutely nothing! At least before it was for something worth while, as IMO recieving detention is just a small price to pay for being with the year 7s, which is totally worth it. So I've gone and become a fugative for nothing. Why didn't I go when I could have, you ask? Well, because after missing it like three or so times prior to today, it would have been awkward to suddenly appear and skiving it would mean not drawing attention to myself, if you get what I mean. Still, it's nearly thursday and I've not played football once. Likewise, for the past few weeks at lunch, one a tuesday and friday I have lunch early because having a free period means I can skip the last quater of an hour and go to lunch at the same time as the year 7s and 8s (prior to that would be the hoardes of year 6 and below kids, after that there would be long ques). When I've gone to lunch early, the year 7s have either sat next to me or invited me to sit next to them but on tuesday and today (as due to the fact that we were having career seminars) I've had early lunch and not a single person sat next to me or invited me to sit next to them from year 7 (heck, I barely saw most of them). I've had a few "Hey, Hugh"'s sparodically throughout the week (most of which coming from two kids in the geography group I mentor, not the ones I played football with) but except for that nothing... Maybe it was all just some sort of illusion and hoax. Maybe I should move on like I did from Steve... Maybe in the words of the REM song losing my religion: "But that was just a dream, that was just a dream" And it's nearly thursday... It's currently 11:35, I've not done (or even started) my chemistry prep due in tommorow, I'm counting on half an hour's free period tommorow (as I'll be mentoring in my second free period- if my geography teacher is in and he hasn't been in all week to my knowledge), there's no-one on MSN or YIM I can talk to, the time for my first practicle assessment for chemistry draws ever nearer, I've not played football once this week and in that way my only light has been extinguished as has, perhaps, my friendships (or at least what I thought were friendships) with the year 7s, the Sigur Ros video continues to haunt me and I've got chemistry practicle assessments on Tuesday. Every day which lacks football or lunch with the year 7s is one day closer to the assessment that's wasted... I'm so going to die in this assessment... Still, I'm not feeling sucidal at least. I'm going to continue living just to spite fate. YOU CAN'T KILL ME, I'M INVINCABLE! Like that song, "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down" but that still doesnt mean I'm not depressed though...
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blue
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Likes it here |
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131
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Hey, Eothain, keep your chin up, you can work through this somehow.
I'll be on and off through the rest of the week. I'll be able to chat every so often.
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Well, at last it's friday. I have to say this week has probably has probably one of the worst in recent memory... It started off bad on Monday with no football, my mum having a go at me, my mum discovering my secret and finding out that I have my first chemistry praticle in a week, then it remained bad (but not quite as bad as that day).
Tuesday, as I said was like Monday except for not quite as bad. Still no football but my mum didn't shout at me, or continue the subject of the event, thankfully.
Wednesday, we had careers talk thingies all day. As we finished the one before lunch before 1, I went into lunch at 12:45, same time as the year 7s and 8s. Again, none of them sat down next to me, and they weren't playing football. I was pissed but this would have given me a chance to go to chess, which I didn't go to.
Thursday, much the same as the previous days. The only good thing about today was mentoring which was good. The kids seem to like me and I had my geography teacher praising my mentoring abilities! However, I then discovered, much to my announcance, that 2/3 of the year 7 geography periods are during my lessons, so I can only mentor once a week on Thursday. Still, it's better than nothing but still... No football again at lunch which was annoying. Got my history test results... a bloody C+. Then when getting home, my mum had left a message on my PC basically saying that I should go see a counciler or phone childline and if I want to talk to her I can and not to hold it all inside... Bleh...
Friday... well, pretty normal today. Chemistry, free periods, lunch when again I didn't sit next to anyone... No football, however there's a story to tell. I assumed that no-one was playing football so I went to my study and got my ball to practise, then walking towards the field, I saw people playing! My heart skipped a beat but I thought it might have been year 8s, which would have annoyed me. So I put my own ball away and went back to the field. It was indeed year 7s, about three of them and a girl. But they were walking out of the field towards the other fields/entrance to the lower school, i.e away from me, passing the ball to each other. So I watched for a bit, then kinda of resigned assuming that I wouldn't get a chance to play. Well, it's happened four times else this week, not unexpected... Then they came over and said something like sorry not to be able to play but they're tired now but we can play on Monday. A glimmer of hope? Perhaps. So, I accepted, ofcourse. Anyhow, they went off, I went off to my study, got my ball and took a few shots at goal. It's amazing how many shots came off off the crossbar... Then lunch ended, and walking to geography I met the main year 7, i.e the one who seems to be their ringleader, the one who's most foward and one of the ones that seem to like me the most (along with one or two of the kids I mentor, and another person who I only played football with once), he basically said sorry for not playing, basically repeating what the others had said earlier and that we could play on Monday. So, yeah, I accepted again... Then, after geography and a restless double biology, the worst week ever finally ended. So, from now, things can only get better... Even if I have the chemistry practicle in only a few days... And perhaps there is hope with the year 7...
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blue
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Likes it here |
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131
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Sorry your week was so awful. I think you're due for some better days ahead. That note from your mum offers a chance for a permanent upswing for yuo, even though right now, you're thinking, "bleh, I wish this would all just go away."
Have you thought of finding a student who'd tutor (mentor) you in chemistry, since it's giving you such trouble? Someone in your year or above ought to be able to help you out, and you might wind up with a good mate too.
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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"We'll play football on Monday, okay?" "Sure." That was the conversation that took place between me and the year 7s on Friday (well, not all of it but some of it). And so Monday comes with the usual annoyance of biology and history. Then lunch comes, which I eat somewhat quickly for me, getting out at quater past one, not bad for a Monday. Walk towards the field (which also happens to be the same direction as the toilets, drinking fountain, my study and the library) and see no-one there... Oh well, it's early, I think, perhaps there'll be there soon... So I go up the library, watch some sadistic year 7s watching videos of old women being knocked over by cars and the like then it comes to half one... Still no-one there so now I know that if they're not there by half-past, they won't be there at all... So I spend pretty much the rest of the lunch break playing football on my own, taking shots at the empty goal... While depression and disapointment take over me. It's been six consecutive days since the last time I've played football with them, not just a last week thing. Perhaps the man above is trying to give me a subtle hint? Surely if the week starts like this, it's not gonna get any better. *sigh* I thought I might have gained a friendship, but I guess it was just an illusion... "We Had A Dream, We Had Everything" Or so we thought... Now my dream has been shattered and my everything stolen... Oh well... I survived prior to meeting them, I can continue surviving without them... They've made their choice, our paths have diverged, now we must walk them... seperately, even amongst the storms and dangers of reality... And I have chemistry tommorow, eurgh. As for getting a mentor, I doubt anyone would be willing to help me at chemistry...
Yeah, I know you must be getting sick and tired of my rants, but I need somewhere to rant and of all the forums I go to, this is one of the best.
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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When you returned from your little forray to Morroco you were convinced that your friends were doing little more than plotting against you. You then proceeded to wave them off as they hailed you.
You seem to have made your own bed here.... Now it's time for a reality check.
Go out and find some friends your own age. Stop being the self deprecating introvert and make an honest effort to begin walking on your own. Stop looking at all the phantoms of your own creation and stop trying to convince yourself that there is nothing better in store for yourself.
Life is what you.... thats right.... WHAT YOU make of it.... It's time you start doing something more with it than feel sorry for yourself.
I know this is a bit of a harsh realization but the sooner you admit to yourself that you are not the looser you portray yourself to be the happier you will become....
Face it... It's time.....
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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blue
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Likes it here |
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131
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Eothain, I know it's rough when friends aren't around, or aren't there when they say they will be. But that happens sometimes. Try not to set so much store in each meeting or each conversation. You are so eager for everything to turn out alright, that when things don't turn out just right, you're badly disappointed. Hey, I understand that. I'm a perfectionist; there's nothing like judging yourself, for instance. It isn't your fault that they weren't there. Why not see if some other friends are around somewhere at lunch or on the field, library, or study areas? Or, heck, just say hi to someone you don't know who looks friendly. Don't make how you feel or how you feel about yourself dependent on how others act or how you think they think. That will make you unhappy and second guess too much. Every moment is another chance at life.
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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"But the best thing God has created... is a new day" And I would agree with that. No matter how bad a day might be, there's always a new dawn, a new day. A new chance, a new beginning. The day began with chemistry, which wasn't as bad as I feared. The results I got were accurate (and strangely very similar to everyone elses so I must have been doing something right) and seemed to make sense. Anyhow, fastfoward to lunch as nothing before then is important... Early lunch as per usual, year 7s sat on their own table and some of my year came and sat with me, so I had lunch. Anyway, I went to get my drink from the kitchen and came back. I saw one of the kids in the class who I mentor, one I kinda like who's friendly and likes me a bit, sitting alone at a table which was half full with a bunch of year 13 boys and girls. Now, I know it's not too fun to be sitting on your own with a bunch of people much older than you whom you don't know at all. So I went and sat next to him to keep him company, and we talked and such. It was nice. So I finished and left the lunch thingy, walking along towards the rest of the school, and this kid whom I sat next to (it would be easier to name him, but I dunno, it might be a bit, er, personal or private) like continued talking with me so we walked to one of the three entrances to the lower school talking all the time. As we got to the entrance I assumed he had somewhere to be and also it wouldn't seem right to walk into the lower school so I said "Well, cya." and he asked if I was going the wrong way, but I said I'm not going the wrong way because I don't really have anywhere to go so he asked me if I wanted to go into the woods (I admit I was a little suspicious at first) then he said to see their base. Remebering a similar thing with me in year 7 (a base that is), I accepted. So we went quite deep into the woods, him leading the way untill we came across the base, which looked somewhat similar to the one at my old school. I was greeted by a few of them and we... to cut a long story short, I spent the rest of the lunch break chatting with them, climbing trees, having stick wars (i.e me and the year 7s throwing sticks at the year 8s while they did the same to us- one hit me on the leg!) and stick sword fights. It was fun. Revelling in their innocence and friendship. They were somewhat innocent in a few respects, like one kid saying he searched for erection on google image search followed by much laughter, cries of pervert from one and "Not a good idea, that!" and such, just a bit of innocent fun. It was fun, yeah. However, this group of year 7s was different to the group I play football with (well, except for one person but...) whom had said they'd actually be there [on the field] this time, (their words or something), so I feel somewhat guilty about not being there, but oh well... It was a pleasant lunch with the year 7s.
Yes, I know my mood swings are insane and like a girl's in the fact that it changes so often and so easilly... Must be too much estragen or something.
And you're right blue, I shouldn't be so emotionally attached and let small events affect my mood so drastically. But it's kinda hard... As for people in the library or somewhere, there's always people, some of which I know, but meh... I'm shy... Not so much in my own year, but still slightly...
And Marc, I didn't precede to wave them off. I did it once on the Monday, but the rest of the week I didn't at all... And as for the rest of what you said, that's slightly easier said than done. Ofcourse, I try to not be so introverted, but it's just rather difficult.
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Okay, it's the end of term, at last so I thought that I'd update you all with the amazing events that happened since last time as I'm sure you'll be dying to know *cough, cough*
Warning: This'll be quite a long post as it's been a while and lot of things have happened recently.
Okay, anyway. So in my last post I mentioned about sitting next to one of the boys from the class I mentor, which I might as well give his name: Alex Rogan as the chances of him seeing this post is somewhat somewhat slim (though if he did, that would be interesting if he did) at lunch. Anyhow, at the time I didn't have a clue how sucessful or big this would be. The day after the last post, I sat with him at lunch again (didn't have an early lunch) but he was sitting completely on his own so I thought I'd join him. Again, we went into the woods (under his invitation again). Thursday and Friday, at lunch I went into the woods again with him (on Friday lunch, initially I sat on my own but they called me over so I sat with them). During this time, as well as getting to know Alex, I also got to know some of the other year 7s better (nice story about this later). That Friday, I had parents evening, so I was staying behind. I stood out by the pick-up watching various people leave and such. Then I decided to go to the library, via the lower school (otherwise I'd have to go around which would have taken several times longer), it was locked but on the way back Alex ( saw me and invited me over. Then essentially we spent the next 45 minutes talking and hanging out and chatting about various things and slidding down railings on stairs and such. It was fun. Alex truly represents innocence though! He's bursting with the stuff. But it was nice. And we walked together to the lounge and we continued to hang out prior to the start of parents evening and I introduced him to my mum.
The next week, I spent a lot of time with him again, getting to know him better. On Monday, it started off with me recieving a certificate to show that one of my ceramic pieces was on display at an art exhibition, and as I passed the year 7s while going down front of the school to recieve it (not on my own, of course) several of them said "Well done, Hugh!" to me. Yeah. Then at lunch, I spent more time with Alex in the woods but I found out he had a detention. Several mintues after the detention was due to start, so we ran. Then I offered to carry him over my shoulder to get him to the detention quicker. Well, it didn't quite work out, but he certainly enjoyed it, laughing all the while. Turns out we were rather late for the detention (mainly due to me) so he was allowed to go and get one the next day instead, so we spent the rest of lunch hanging out and we even went to the year 7 classrooms for a bit, which I was a bit reluctant to go into, but I decided to swallow my fear and 'sieze the day'. An interesting occurannce was when one year 7 who was with us at the time asked "So, will you be going to each other's houses and stuff?" and Alex responded with "Yeah, probably." Next day, there was the detention and the teacher allowed me to stay with him during it, so he found it not so bad (quite fun actually, not being on his own).
Anyway, I could talk for ages about all the various things I've done with Alex but I won't as it would be the size of a small novel and you'd probably find it boring (just take my word when I say we've spent a lot of time together, both on our own and with other people). Anyhow, fast foward to recently. This week specifically. So basically, we've been friends since that first lunch time a few weeks ago and we'd spent lots of time together, as with many of the other year sevens, whom I've become quite close with (closer than I ever was with last years year 7 or the ones I played football with (though one of them now never seems to talk to me ever. The rest seem to though)). For instance, one boy called Tom was initially quite introverted both within and out of the geography room but gradually he's become a lot more open and stuff and we talk more and stuff which is rewarding, in a way. The whole year seems to know me and I'm not a welcome guest into the year 7 classrooms which I occasionally visit. Anyhow, this week was the last week of term. Monday I spent some time with Alex and the other year 7s at lunch, but on Tuesday and yesturday, I didn't much to my dissapointment thinking "This is the last week of term and I haven't spent much time with him!" (though on Tuesday, there was the ECA Fair and I was with him for a while as we chose our ECAs. Funilly 3 of the 4 ECAs I joined happen to be the same ones he does and I actually intend to go to them next term). Yesturday was also house football matches. My house, Douglas, came fourth, much to my very bitter disappointment. When I'm not paticularly happy (due to the fact that there's only one day left and I haven't seen him much), little things such as coming last in the house matches (bad by our house's standards, usually we come third) have a bigger impact. Especially as I'm generally a rubbish footballer and in one paticularly vicious tackle, I made a year 11 cry... Which I was terribly guilty about (I'm a living example of determination being worthless when you're completely talentless). So yeah, yesturday wasn't a great day. Today, it was the last day of the term for anyone in years 9 and below (including year 7). Years 10 and above finish tommorow (after the 'dinner dance') but as there's no-one in year 9 or below, the school is almost completely dead. There's about 150 students throughout the whole school, the lower school playground and classrooms and first school playgrounds completely deserted... Creepy, and not paticularly great when you're fixated on those who are gone... Anyhow, today had lunch with the year 7s, and spent some time with them at lunch. It was the year 7 and 8 house matches today, so I was loitering in the lobby, motivating the Douglas players (and jokingly saying I'd break their legs if they lose!) and such, though Alex isn't actually in Douglas (he's in Neville) but I wished him luck anyway.
So, rest of the afternoon passed as per normal. My geography teacher didn't comply with my request to go watch the year 7 and 8 matches (they're lucky, they had blue skies and sun while we had cloud!) and history we didn't actually do any history but we're just talked for half an hour about various things. Then after school, adrenaline going, as in a few moments I'd be gone and wouldn't see Alex or any of the year 7s again for four weeks (that's a lot to a 16 year old or me at least). I found out the house results from another year 7 (Douglas came third, Ensor came first. They came first in year 11,12 and 13 and year 9 and 10 as well. They've completely gone from losing everything to winning everything) then after much internal debate, I decided to go to the lower school classrooms one...last...time. There was Alex. We talked, I helped him carry his bags as he was taking home everything. I stayed and talked for a while, but a few minutes had passed and my mum was waiting outside and I didn't want her to get to annoyed by forcing her to wait too long, so I said goodbye to Alex. The parting was touching... We kinda put our shoulders around each other in a half-hug type thing, said goodbye. I wished him a great Christmas, and he wished me that too and to have a good holiday and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, which I said back to him. He asked me if I had his number, I said no but he said "Ah, well I have your number." which is true, he does. He added it on Monday at lunch and he also said he'd phone or text (and on the white board of his class, as other people had been (and were) doodling on it, I had written "Hugh Rules! Phone me @ *my phone number* (I also drew a CND) and I told him this was actually my real number so he may phone that), aftering finding out I wouldn't be going to the Diner Dance for years 7 to 9 (much to his dissapointment). Then I said goodbye, waved and off... Extremely bitter-sweet. Sort of like the ending to the Return of the King (except I will actually see him again, and it's only four weeks) still, it's sad. Awfully fond of him (and unlike with Steve, he's fond of me, which is the main thing) and it'll be sad to not see him for a while... But maybe he'll phone and even if he doesn't (my realistic side says he probably wouldn't, in contradiction to what my idealistic side says, but idealism rarely works anyway) we've got a friendship and it shouldn't disappear after four weeks. More than I ever had with Steve. Admitteldy I will miss him... but meh, it's not the end of the world.
Anyhow, that's a brief summary of the last few weeks for me... Reason I posted this was mainly due to the last bit today, I just needed someone to talk about what happened to (and the rest was because background would have been needed about Alex and such). There's also been some work somewhere amongst all that, but that's all depressing stuff. Also been some nostalgia (leading to me posting four pictures of myself at various ages between 6 and 9 on another forum) but that's not really important.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Well it sounds as though you have made a friend. And a good one. Good.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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And another twist in my life. And quite a blow at that. Now I am officially no longer a year 7 mentor. At all. Ever. It's over, fenitio, gone. Instead my role goes to some other girl in my year, while two other girls cover their other two lessons each week, leaving me with nothing. Every other year 7 lesson is during my lessons or being taken by someone else. Now I have nothing. Reason for this? Because my geography teacher wants as many people to mentor as possible and by setting this girl to mentor that class in that period, due to the complex arrangement that is the free periods of various people in my year, allows pretty much everyone to mentor one period. So now I've lost that class who'll be mentored by some other people. As time passes, they'll forget about me and move on. Soon I'll just be a distant memory. I no longer have any legitimate reason to see them or associate with them and no longer have any excuse to be friends with them. I can't be anymore... I'll miss the whole vibrant, bustling activity of their class and even the people I wasn't paticularly close with, they were still nice and I'll miss them. I liked the entire class (even if I liked some more than others).
Of course, I'm not completely left without a class. I was delegated *cough*relegated*cough* to a bloody year 9 class on a Monday. Year bloody 9. I mean I know absolutely no-one in year 9, they're just another year, like, say, year 5. I mean, what do year bloody 9s have? Nothing... They're just a bunch of kids discovering the joy of teenage angst. Yes, I know you're gonna say I could make some friends but I don't really care. The thing about the year 7s is their innocence and whole... vibrant energiticness thingy. There's no difference between having year 9 friends to year 12 friends... There's no bloody point. On monday, I'm going to intentially 'forget' about my mentoring period. I couldn't give a bloody toss. There's no reason for it now, no bloody point. Another dream has been shattered, wonder what'll be next... I should never dream or hope, it just leads to dissapointment. But I would have thought, of all things, mentoring the year 7s would have been something that wasn't just a fleeting thing. Guess I was wrong. As always...
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You know, year 9's are just year 7's who have hung around for a couple more years.
Go to your mentoring period on Monday. Resolve to become interested in them as people - genuinely interested - and you will find that they like you. And that will do wonders for your self esteem. 
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Damn, eo. I'm sorry that happened to you. Is there no way you can maintain some of the friendships you developed in your mentoring experience? I suppose it's all wrapped up with the class structure of the school system you're in, but it seems pretty unfair. Do you still play soccer with those guys?
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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I have something for you, something i hope will give you some light.
*********************************************************************
No Rose Without a Thorn
The rose is a wonderful symbol of what it means to live here on Earth in a physical body. From the outside, the rose has a beautiful color, a pleasing shape, and an inviting scent. But... look closer... for there is not one rose that grows on Earth that is without it's share of thorns.
"And upon a day,
while walking among the flowers of his teacher's garden,
did the child speak unto the Mystic:
"Some men claim that this life is the darkness of a curse,
and a punishment to be endured for all our wicked ways.
Oh Mystic, what say you of life?"
And the Mystic answered:
"I say that life is neither a curse nor a punishment,
But a rose filled with the beauty of desire.
The stem of the rose is your life upon this earth,
The thorns, painful lessons you bring unto yourself, that you might learn.
The leaves are those joys that enter your life
with the tenderness of an unseen Love.
Curse not the sorrow of your thorns,
for the deeper they cut unto the heart of your being,
the greener the leaves of joy shall be.
The tiny bud is your soul,
waiting to bloom with the truth of God among its petals.
Slowly will your flower unfold,
that you might not become lost within the fragrance of its secret.
And when the rose is at the height of its beauty,
Shall you not see the pureness of God smiling from the very center of your Being?"
As so it is.
**********************************************************************
There is always something worth fighting for!!!!!
Listen to the people around you, open up to new ideas , depart from that desire to live in the past, embark in a new quest for the future because whatever happened in the past, sorry to say, but it stayed there and is time to move on.
"Growing up sucks....and not all kisses are magic, and most boys do not live up to your expectations. But there are those times when everything, I mean love, romance, relationships...it all falls together perfectly, and its incredible...it's those moments, no matter how depressingly few and far between that make growing up worth it. And it'll be okay." -Dawson's Creek
Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies. -- Ann Landers
I hope it helps
Dearly M.
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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You know, if you saw this as a TV Soap you would look at it and say "This plot is not realistic". It's a bit like Thmas Hardy and droopy Tess of the blasted Durbervilles. "If only she'd turned left at the station then she woudl not have been in the turnip field anyway."
So, turn left at the station. You have so many opportunities to unscrew up your suposedly screwed up life:- Your mother wants you to talk. So talk
- Not a lot wrong with year 9, you know. Two years older, so what? Make friends with them
- You have a world class counsellor two miles maximum from your home. Use him
- I have offered to meet you and your mother and facilitate the conversation between you on neutral ground in your very local Holiday Inn foyer in comfort over a cup of tea. Use me
At present you are displaying a load of teenage angst yourself. That's pretty normal stuff to have. Only we all need to get through it, and we need to make positive efforts to get through it.
Aiming at doom and gloom and "alas poor me" is not going toget you anywhere. Unless, of course, you function better as Eeyore. But, Eeyore is not an attractive comncept to befriend, is he? Damp and dismal things await Eeyores. "I had a house once......"
A few years ago, on Wednesday evenings on Capital Radio "Anna and the Doctor" had a problems spot. I can hear Anna Raeburn's advice to you now in my head. It is the exact opposite of "carry on doing what you'e doing". I woudl put it here, but you don't ever listen except to reject things, nor do you take advantage of any opportunities that you have.
Are you ready to actually do something?
[Updated on: Sat, 15 January 2005 14:20]
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Mmmm...
Perhaps I've given out the wrong impression. Firstly, I think you, Timmy, overestimate the importance of what happened when I was 11. Yes, it wasn't paticularly pleasant but oh well. Whether this is the cause of my nostalgia and longing to be a kid again is uncertain. Maybe it has a small affect but I certainly don't think it is the main thing. After all, I never really thought of it at all untill it was brought up and in my time I've felt a bit of nostalgia for being in year 8 (post the event!), at my old school (which is one of the main focal points of my nostalgia). Being carefree and innocent and not under the bloody rediculous amounts of pressure which I'm currently under is another focal point to this nostalgia. And recently, I've been nostalgic for a different age, not 11. Infact, between the age of 7 and 10, reason for this being for the carefreeness as mentioned as previously, but also due to friends.
What I'm getting at is that you seem to blow it out of proportion (maybe because of things I've said). I mean, it's not like I think about it all the time and stab voodoo dolls screaming "Die, James, DIE!!" (James being the other kid, if you don't know). I personally don't see the reason for talking to my mum or seeing a counsellor. She doesn't need to know, I don't need to talk. I can get on fine without doing so.
On the subject of the mentoring. The fact that the other potential group is in year 9 and two years older is not the key issue here. I mean, I'm not some agist person who bases people on age and once the year 7s enter year 8, I'll 'dump 'em'. I might have made friends with them when they were in year 7, but I'll continue being them in year 8 and hopefully year 9 as well (though that might be somewhat tricky as I'll be leaving school and maybe going to uni). This is shown by the fact that one person I know online, I first met him when he was 11, but now two years later he's 13 but we're still good friends. The issue is, however, the fact that I liked them and they liked me and now I won't be getting to be their mentor. Perhaps I was overeacting a bit on Thursday but I sometimes do, and hindsight is a wonderfull thing. I'll miss 'em. I'll miss 'em awfully and they may miss me. The thing is, it gives me a chance to bond with the entire class, even the ones who I ain't so close with but still fond of which otherwise I wouldn't get a chance to. Mainly, I'm losing the oppurtunity to bond with them, I mean I can still bond with them at lunch or whatever but I wouldn't get a chance to bond with everyone and also, helping someone out with something they find tricky is a great way to bond. The year 9s, appart from being a bunch of strangers which is frightening in itself, would probably have that cynicism which the year 7s wouldn't have and would be far less willing to accept me.
Also, Timmy, you seem to have the wrong impression, especially from this quote: "Aiming at doom and gloom and "alas poor me" is not going toget you anywhere. Unless, of course, you function better as Eeyore. But, Eeyore is not an attractive comncept to befriend, is he?". Perhaps you think that at school I'm an emo Goth type that goes around never smiling and generally scary. But most of the time at school, I am far from depressed or filled with self-pity. I'm just fine, most of the time. I talk to people, I go to lessons, I joke around and have a laugh and just try to do what I'm meant to do, I'm just normal. Nothing special or different about me (except I'm the only one wearing a Portsmouth Football Shirt but that's a different story). I don't spend the whole time depressed or filled with self-pity. On time I ever really feel that is after recieving a bad grade and/or during chemistry and for both of them that feeling usually goes with time (for the latter, usually after the lesson finishes, especially on a Tuesday when I'm thinking "YES! NO MORE CHEMISTRY FOR A WEEK! CELEBRATE!"). Sure, occasionally I'm down... but who isn't? I try to be logical, I try to be calm but sometimes I can't be and I'm overcome by my emotions. Sorry, but that's the way it is.
"I woudl put it here, but you don't ever listen except to reject things, nor do you take advantage of any opportunities that you have." I'm sorry, but I resent the implication there. I don't ever listen except to reject things? That is totally false! I listen to everything people say, even if I don't respond to it, doesn't mean I haven't acknoweledged and read it. Usually just means I don't know what to say to respond. I may occasionaly be depressed but by Thor's beard, I over come it! I mean, right this very moment in time, I'm not depressed, on the verge of tears while listening to some really depressing song like... er... Mad World by Gary Jules! In fact, I'm quite content just sitting here listening to the Lightning Seeds. Initiall I was 'slightly'... 'annoyed' with that statement which I just quoted, but perhaps the Lighning Seeds have a mallowing affect or something. Don't take advantage of the oppurtunities I have? Again, that's also false. I had the oppurtunity to become a mentor, I took it and it was worth it. I had the oppurtunity to make some real friends within year 7 and I took it. I had the oppurtunity to do something new and interesting... and I did! In the form of Karate! I've had numerous oppurunities and I've taken many of them. Even with mentoring year 9, I'm not absolutely certain that I'm not gonna do it because it's an oppturnity, like you said. Heck, I may try it at least. See no reason why I shouldn't. And maybe this change will only be temporary and I'll mentor the year 7s again. Or both year 9 and year 7! Who knows? I don't waste oppurtunties. If I did, I wouldn't have started mentoring anyway, I wouldn't have sat next to Alex at lunch when he was sitting on his own at lunch. I wouldn't have started karate or archery (or continued it when I was doing rubbish at it) or sqaush, which I haven't played in about 4 years or gone to Morocco, or whatever. Just because I do not feel the need to see a counsellor or talk to my mum about whatever happened five years ago, doesn't mean I don't take advantage of any of the oppurtunities I have.
Despite the fact that it's had it's ups and downs, I think this school year has been really good actually so far. *touches wood* Perhaps it's not quite as apparent over this forum, but in quite a few ways I have, well, developed I guess. I've got more confidence, I've got more pride. Could be a delusion, but I don't think so. Sure, the work has been hard and certainly no picknick (I mean, mock exam results are two Bs, four Cs, a D and an E) but that just means I have someone to aim for, I'm not gonna let it get me down!
So in conclusion, I'm not as bad as you might think. My life isn't really screwed up, it's just the normal things of a teen. A bit of nostalgia, a bit of depression, a few bad grades but overall, not bad!
And for the record, A/Ss are a heck of a lot harder than GCSEs and anything that comes before it. A lot of people find them tricky!
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No Message Body
You don't love someone because they are beautiful, they are beautiful because you love them.
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You're right, there has been a change. When i first met you, you wouldn't have stood up to Timmy like you just did...you'd have rolled over and played dead. I like this new you a whole hell of a lot better, my friend.
cheers!
aj
"I promise not to try not to fuck with your mind/ I promise not to mind if you go your way and i go mine/promise not to lie if i'm looking you right in your eye/promise not to try not to let you down."
--Eve6
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I'm glad this different spark is showing.
Now about turning the spark into a flame? And the flame into a fire?
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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blue
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Likes it here |
Registered: August 2004
Messages: 131
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Eothain,
GOOD JOB! Great, fantastic! Way to stand up for yourself!
:: applause, wild cheering, WHOOP! ::
What, you think I'm overreacting, it was nothing, you say? -- It was important, all the same. It shows up the positive things going on for you. It shows you are getting comfortable being you.
That's awesome.
-----
I'm not going to nag you about talking to your parents or a counselor. I simply hope that you will someday. I know exactly how hard it is, and it is something to do in small steps.
There will be friends you *can* talk to. You've already discovered that, and it has helped you. Who knows, someday you may even be able to help someone else who's been through bad times, whatever they may be.
It's working for me, slowly.
-----
Keep taking those steps forward. Don't let it get you down when you stumble. You'll pick yourself up and go on, and there will others to help you up.
You really are gaining the better, adult, got-it-together you. Excellent.
OK, end of sermon.
-----
Recommended CD: "Beautiful Letdown" by Switchfoot, particularly, "Dare You To Move" and "Twenty-Four."
-----
Congratulations again,
~Blue
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Nice words, Blue! And nice to speak to you again after all this time. How is everything?
And out of curiosity, what exactly were you congratulating me about? I mean, all I did was reiterate some points and clear up a misconception or two.
[quoeth the AJ]You're right, there has been a change. When i first met you, you wouldn't have stood up to Timmy like you just did...you'd have rolled over and played dead. I like this new you a whole hell of a lot better, my friend.
[/quoeth]
Not actually sure what to say to that except thanks! But I guess I have changed. Being in the sixth form and mentoring has really developed my personality and confidence and self-esteem. I can honestly say Year 12 > Year 11... By FAR!
And Timmy, no hard feelings or anything. I wasn't intending to be hostile or anything in my previous post. As for letting this spark develop into a fire, I'll try! But I don't want to start of a forest fire or burn anyone. As for proving how wrong you are, it would be my pleasure! 
And I now know the lyrics of Vithrar Vel Tel Loftarasah (aka 'that Sigur Ros video') off by heart. In Icelandic! Which is pretty funky as I'm going there next year.
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Eothain
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Likes it here |
Location: Rohan!
Registered: April 2004
Messages: 108
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Firstly, before the main topic of this post, a quick update. I've litterally stopped mentoring the year 7s now and they've had a replacement, who happens to be a girl I know. Though it's quite annoying when she's talking about them, either to me, her friends or the geography teacher and I'm like "Yes... indeed..." Not that I resent her for it or anything, just it's sort of like nostalgia, but of a different kind... As for mentoring the year 9s, I've not got around to that yet as I've been too busy working during my free (and I'm not as willing to do it with them than with the year 7s. I'm prepared to put year 7s ahead of my work, but I must put my work ahead of the year 9s). Plus, by accepting mentoring them, I'll be admitting defeat... Anyhow, on to the main point of this post.
I know a whole lot of you have been bugging me to see a councillor for ages, and I admit talking to someone is something I want to do. Kinda just talk to someone face to face and let everything out, kinda like I do here. Just someone to talk to, whom I can trust to talk about quite personal things. However, it needs to be someone I trust and medical practitioners and councillors and all that lark, I do not trust at all (most likely due to events in my early childhood). Admittedly I don't have many close friends whom I could talk to (the closest friend I've ever had I haven't seen in five years and it was his 18th birthday just on Friday...) but in all this... There is someone I feel that I might be able to talk to. Maybe not the most expected person as he is, in fact, my geography teacher. He's a great teacher and a nice person. Most of the school seems to love him, he's decicated, caring, charismatic, etc... Perhaps I could talk to him about stuff. The year 7s, etc. I know he's not a 'qualified councillor' or anything but he'd understand and it could be of some help. This is just something I've been kinda thinking about recently, about whether I could talk to him. Yet for all this I don't want to be selfish and get in the way of his (no doubt busy) schedule or anything. What do you think? Should I? Is it worth it?
Also I have to admit, I hold some doubts over my future and motives. Reading NW's thread and hearing about the whole trial of Michael Jackson makes me wonder if I'll turn out anything like that. 'Cause after all, any 'peadophile' (to use that term) was 16 at one time and who's to say that they weren't like me? I mean, it's possible that I'd turn out like that, not that I want to. I do find myself attracted to year 7s, not sexually of course, but if someone was to happen, if I was to placed in some sort of circumstance where stuff could happen, what then? I wouldn't do anything to intentionally harm anyone, but that's just something I say now... If such an occasion came up, I might not think straight, and even still, perhaps people who do... stuff like that, they wouldn't want to intentionally hurt the child would they? Maybe they try to justify it or something, try to claim that the child wanted/enjoyed it. It doesn't help that one year 7 thinks I'm a peadophile, or so the others say (though I've never done or said anything suggestive of the fact) and one kid claims his mother thinks that I'm a peadophile as well (not to judge or anything, but still, that's not paticularlly nice of her). Of course, I may be looking to much into this, but who knows? I just doubt... myself, I guess.
Sorry, a bit off the topic of the main post. But if you respond, please don't be too brutal...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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I would say "yes" talk to him. You are right to worry the worries. And you do need to talk to someone.
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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Important things first!
From what I've seen of your posts, I don't think there's too much chance that you'll end up as an abuser, or predatory paedophile. You seem much too honest with yourself for that, and I seriously doubt that you could ignore a kid's best interests, or fool yourself about your own motives. You may well carry on having mentoring roles with respect to younger people (I've had such, both formally and informally, for most of my adult life - and very rewarding they've been, too), but that is a totally different thing from bribing /pushing / persuading / blackmailing / etc a kid into doing what YOU want.
Definitely find someone you can trust to talk to. A teacher may not be the best bet, as they may feel a possible conflict of interest, but if that's what comes to hand .... just don't expect the world of him (it's easy to put a big burden of expectation on those we admire)If there's *any* risk that you'll fall for him, think *very* carefully.
It doesn't have to be a 'caring professional', just someone to trust. Various of us have had shitty experiences with counsellors / medics, (also some good ones) - if you ever decide to go that route, personal recommendation, or a recommendation from your local Gay Switchboard etc, is pretty much essential in my view.
Don't get too hung up on my early experiences (the guy was a total jerk in every way, as I'm realising), and sorry if it triggered a bunch of painful stuff for you.
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. ... Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night devoid of stars." Martin Luther King
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marc
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Needs to get a life! |
Registered: March 2003
Messages: 4729
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What the hell is wrong with being just a tiny bit selfish and infringe on your teachers time a bit. You arent after all moving in and banging a drum in his ear at 3am. Talk to him if you trust him. Teachers as a breed tend to look forward to times when they might make a real difference in a students life. Make him happy and in the process yourself as well.
Life is great for me... Most of the time... But then I meet people online... Very few are real friends... Many say they are but know nothing of what it means... Some say they are, but are so shallow...
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timmy
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Has no life at all |
Location: UK, in Devon
Registered: February 2003
Messages: 13796
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Someone once said to me "If you want something done give it to the busiest person."
Yes, he is busy, yes he has a schedule. And YES that entire schedule can be thrown away for one pupil in genuine need.
So, grab him. "Sir, I realy need a chat with someone. I need some advice and help. May I talk to you, please?"
Author of Queer Me! Halfway Between Flying and Crying - the true story of life for a gay boy in the Swinging Sixties in a British all male Public School
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