I've been chatting to a friend. And things are confusing him. While I chatted I realised that these are the same type of things that confused me. So I thought it would be worth airing my confuzzlements and letting everyone see them.

I'm thinking back to when I was 15 or more, and growing up. I've used "gay". When I was growing up we were not gay. We were "queers", "homos", "poofs", "nancy boys".

• "I'm not gay. I just like, love, a boy"
• "I must be gay. I love looking at boys. Even the ugly ones"
• "I don't dare be gay, so I won't be"
• "It's a phase. The books say it's a phase. I'll wait it out"
• "There. I've fucked a girl. I've shown them all, and me. I am not gay!"

Only this was not totally helpful. It was natural, that I'll grant you, but it didn't help.

I also had this weird thing. Or was it so weird? I was only attracted to boys I was attracted to. Now that is not the truism it sounds like. I mean that, even if you were trying your hardest to seduce me, if I wasn't already attracted to you I would never have even noticed. I know this to be true, because, looking back, one boy tried very hard to seduce me. And I never noticed.

I was scared of being discovered, and yet I wanted to be discovered. Except the consequences until I was 18 of discovery were likely to be appalling.

When I went to university I tried as hard as I could to shed the "shy dork" of school, and to reinvent myself. I got as far as wearing what I hoped were "attractive clothes", but the clothing and alleged fashions of the early 1970s were all rather weird! I "knew" I could seduce Geoff Ashcroft, only I never knew how to start. He was pretty, friendly, and, well, would shag anything that moved, and some things that didn't move. But I never dared start.

At university, a large campus of at least 15,000 students, there were several tings I was sure were important:

• A very few old school colleagues were there
• A (rather cute) lad who taught sailing with me in the vacations was there
• Someone from my home sailing club was there
• My very best friend (who is not nowadays even in contact with me) was there from my summer vacation sailing club
• I was part of a clique and dared not be ostracised

Additionally I had actually no clear idea what sex with a guy meant. And I was sure I wanted more than sex.

Gay men actually disgusted me. The sole role models I could see were either effeminate, or were tough political activists. I could not identify with either

I've mentioned in another thread the Gay Liberation Annual Conference in 1972, and how I longed to be picked up. And also with Marc's reply that I would have run away. The majority of the people who I saw there were unusual. One sticks in my mind. Bright yellow tight T Shirt and leggings over which he wore crushed velvet black hot pants. If these were to be "my people" I wanted none of it.

Toilets with glory holes disgusted me. They made me very nervous just to go in when I needed to use the toilet and there was no-one around.

Public displays of affection between two guys made me shiver. Not because it was wrong, but because I think I wanted to be one of them but never dared, never knew how, and never had anyone who had showed me (so I thought) the slightest indication that he wanted me.

This whole thing comes down to fear. Now I've been on self development courses.

"Fear":

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

And now I can see that. But then I could not. Not at all.

Because I was afraid of myself.

OK, times were different in the 1970s. Being gay meant jobs were harder to come by and very hard to keep. Being gay meant social death. You see "there was no-one else in the whole world who was gay" in my circle of friends.

I'm not sure I would have been any less afraid today in my accepting nation. In a less accepting part of the world I would be as scared, if not more scared.